Solace in the Lord, Part II

Even as I search and take comfort in solace in the Lord, I was reminded of a Psalm and a quick search confirm that it is indeed the Psalm that the Lord had impressed upon me.

As a continuance to my earlier post, to me, it spoke of His ever-presence with me, of my whole being been made by Him. The pain and the discomfort are not getting better but I thank God that it is not getting worse either. How comforting when in verse 10 it says “Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me.” And the exhortation in verse 23 and 24 that says “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”

There was a song I wrote a while ago and it goes:

Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms.

I know I don’t have to
Worry about tomorrow.
Or be held back by my past
For God had set me free.

The stone that was rolled away
Is the start of the day I worship…

Note:
The stone referred to the stone that blocked Christ’s tomb. When it was rolled away, Christ had risen and if He is risen, then we are saved and thus the start of my worship.


Psalm 139 (NASB)

God’s Omnipresence and Omniscience.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

1 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Solace in the Lord, Part I

In the weeks where I was experiencing tremendous amount of pain and there seem to be no end to it, these verses were a solace to my soul, a constant reminder that the Lord is with me and will carry me through. He has and will continue to do so. Just look to Him and He is beside you.

Psalm 23:3-5 (NASB)

3 He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Philippians 4:4-9 (NASB)

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Psalm 116:5-7 (NASB)

5 Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;

Yes, our God is compassionate.

6 The LORD preserves the simple;

I was brought low, and He saved me.

7 Return to your rest, O my soul,

For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

Ephesians 3:17-19 (NASB)

17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,

18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,

19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NASB)

8 Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.

9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

There is this story about footprint in the sand. It is a well-known story and it spoke about how God carried us when it seems He was far from us. Although the story, its meaning and intentions were uplifting and is edifying to those who are seeking the Lord when they seem to be at a lost, I have another take on this story.

Whenever this story is told or whenever it comes to mind, the image that comes to me is not one where I am carried on the back of Jesus but rather there continues to be 2 pair of footprints. In instances where I needed Him, He is there, not carrying me but is beside me, walking with me, consoling me, uplifting me, talking to me, listening to me, one arm beneath my arm ready to support me when I stumble.

There were moments where there are knee prints and a set of footprint that are set deeper in the sand. That is when I stumbled and Jesus lifted me up leaving an imprint that is deeper in the sand. I know He is there all the time because He is beside me. Even when I sit down, He is there with me sitting beside me, looking at me. I have tears in my eyes but He has a smile on His face. I grimace from the pain in my abdomen but He is there holding my shoulder.

The Lord does not carry me. He upheld me and stood where I know He would be.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Treatment #01b

Specifically for the Chemotherapy, there was no major hiccup this time round on 22^nd August (Thursday) and 23^rd August (Friday).

The week before, I had developed water retention and my feet and calves were swollen for about 2 days before subsiding. On Thursday, there was still some slight swelling but not sufficient enough to be of major concern. My platelet count was 188 but because of my low haemoglobin and red cell count and the swelling, the preparation of my drugs was held off unit Friday as the nurses would like to see what my actual conditions are on Friday.

Come Friday, the swelling is still slight but not sufficient to cause major concern and so the therapy proceeded. All went well and I was home by about 1:00pm in the afternoon. Seem like all good things comes to an end at one time or another as things took a tumble on Saturday when my abdominal area went into a tailspin and I was having bloated-ness, pain on the left side (Stomach region) and on the centre (tumor region), did not pass motion for 1 day although there wasn’t that constipated feeling. The feet and calves swelled with the swelling subsiding only on Monday evening. I slept for practically the entire day on Saturday literally despite the noise from Nathan.

Slightly better today as you can see since I am able to blog but I am “tahaning” the tiredness and minor pain despite the morphine. Have an appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist next week and let’s see what she says then.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Treatment #01a

I was supposed to have the first treatment of my 2^nd Cycle of Chemotherapy on 16^TH August and thus my blood test on 15^th August. However, on 15^th August morning around 5:00am, I developed a fever and it was as high as 39.5 ^oC. In actuality, as soon as I developed a high fever, I should have headed to TTSH’s Accident and Emergency Department to have a blood test done and for the observation but as with most of us including myself, I did what came purely automatically and popped 2 panadol and went back to sleep hoping that the fever will subside. The fever did subside and it was down to about 37.5^oC to 3.9^oC at around 8:30am.

There is an overlap to this entry as it happened on the same day as my appointment with my Palliative Care Specialist

Called the chemotherapy clinic at about 9:30am to update the nurses there and ask as to what I am supposed to do next and well… I got a ticking off from the nurse as I was not supposed to take the panadol. The simple reason been that the panadol could mask the primary cause of the fever and this would make follow-up and treatment difficult should the cause be something serious. It was also from here on that I had difficulty “restarting” posting on my blog as a whole host of events occurred that really make me feel unwell that I simply do not have the energy to do anything else especially blogging.

The nurse was “at a lost” as to what to do next and I told her that I have an appointment with the palliative care specialist that afternoon and thus I was told to proceed to TTSH anyway to have the blood test done and decide what to do next. Based on the blood test done on 15^th August, I should be able to proceed with the chemotherapy on 16^th August as my platelet count was very good at 250+. The first time it had hit 150+ since last August 2012. Long story short again, in the previous post, I had spoken about the situation and appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist, based on blood test result and consultation with Chemo-MO on duty, they will plan to proceed with my chemotherapy on 16^th August.

However on 16^th August, I was having this terrible backache like those that you get when you have a bad flu and you have aches all over your body especially the back. Checked with the Chemo-MO on duty and she checked with my Medical Oncologist and they concluded that better to be on the safe side and postpone my chemotherapy and put me on flu medical (i.e. Panadol and Antibiotic).

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Med-Oncologist Follow-up and Appointment with Palliative Care Specialist

Waited and tolerated all the pain and finally got to see my Medical Oncologist on 5th August (Monday).

Prior to all my appointment with my Medical Oncologist, a blood test will be done but the test consisted of more parameters than those needed for Chemotherapy. From the result, my haemoglobin and red cell count is somewhat on the low side and this is one reason why I am generally tired and “lack energy” and would tend to want to sleep.

With my Oncologist, we spoke, we talked and at one stage he used the word “palliative” again to describe my treatment and condition. In other word, he is treating me from the perspective of lengthening my life and making sure that I have at least some form of “quality of life”. In any case we have a different outlook with this regards. Anyway, we spoke also about the constant pain and he increased the dose of my Fentanyl patch to 75mcg. When I switched to this does, it does help somewhat but the pain did not go away, it simply was less intense. I had requested for a referral to a palliative care specialist and was careful not to “upset” his professionalism. He was very open about it and thought that it was probably a good idea to have the palliative care specialist assess and manage my pain situation.

The appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist was scheduled pretty quickly as I got a slot within a week of my follow-up with my Medical Oncologist on 15th August.

With the Palliative Care Specialist, we spoke a lot as I have to provide her with background information other than those that are already in my case-notes. She was patient and generally “affectionate” but then I was told all Palliative Care Specialist are generally such due to the type of patients that they attend to. To cut the long story short, she asked me about my pain, type, location, occurrences and morphine dosage. She did some quick calculation and I was told I could triple my morphine dose so that the pain could be effectively managed. Guess what? I tried it at home and it really helped. The pain was sort of “gone” for at least the full four hours in-between dose and for the week after that, life was sort of pleasant again. I was also given another pain killer that was supposed to help with the occasional sharp intense pain in the abdomen and that really helped too. Before this, the pain was simply a constant presence, always there and always disturbing. I was told just to watch out for constipation as both the Fentanyl and morphine has this side effect and also causes drowsiness.

Really thank God for this turnaround of event.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #03

This entry is just going to be very simple and short. I had my blood test done on 1^st August (Thursday) and the platelet could was 188 x 10⁹/L. The result was good enough for the chemotherapy to proceed on 2^nd August (Friday).

There is still that pain in the abdominal region and I am just looking forward to my appointment with my Medical Oncologist and see what he can do to help with the pain.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02c

My apology for not posting anything closed to a month now especially to those who were following my blog regularly. There will be quite a number of updates and I will be posting them in separate entries in order to keep it in chronological sequences and short per entry so that it would be easier to track the sequence of events. As I am trying to remember as much as I can of the events that had occurred over the last one month, the details of which may not be accurate but I’ll try to recollect as much and as accurately as possible.

I had my blood test done on 18^th July (Thursday), the platelet count dropped to 94 x 10⁹/L. This result was kind of on the borderline and I was asked to have another blood test done on 19^th July (Friday) to see if the platelet count is on the uptrend or downtrend. The result on 19^th was 73 x 10⁹/L, too low for the chemotherapy to proceed. I’ll just have to rest one more week and see what happens next.

On the following week, I had my blood test done on 25^th July (Thursday) and the platelet count was 145 x 10⁹/L, good enough for the chemotherapy to proceed on 26^th July (Friday).

Nothing much to report specifically for the chemotherapy as everything was fine after the therapy and I was feeling relatively well except that it was also from here onward that I had stopped posting on my blog as a whole host of events occurred thereafter that really made me feel unwell so much so that I simply do not have the energy to do anything even blogging.

Anyway I was having constant pain in the abdominal region for about 2 weeks after the chemotherapy and that it really bothered me such that I could not eat much, sleep or focus on the things I wish to do. I was in a terrible mess, curling up to sleep, enduring the occasional sharp pain that would shoot up my abdomen and at one stage, the pain was so bad that I almost wanted to admit myself to TTSH. I had lost about 3kg of weight in the 2-3 weeks. However, God was good and He helped me endured that couple of weeks of occasional excruciating pain until 5^th Aug as the pain gradually eased off and I got to see my Medical Oncologist.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1