Do you know what you know

On Tuesday, I had morning coffee with the Pastor who will be going back to New Zealand soon. It wasn’t serious meeting, just a casual meeting between two friends having a chit chat.

We were talking about a lot of things and at one stage I mentioned to him that I use to think that “I know what I know” about God and how wrong I was.  This journey that I am travelling on had really opened up my minds concerning what I know about God.

I was asked to share with the worship ministry group that was having their music practice today and I shared essentially the same thing. Do we really know what we know about God?

For me, the crux of the matter is not what we know about Him but rather, have we experienced Him.

In any relationships, regardless whether it is between family, spouse, friends or colleagues, it is not an academic process; it is not going to school to learn about relationship and passing an examination to say that we know what it is like in a relationship or to be in a relationship. 

Relationship is an experience, it is to be experienced.

Therefore, my proposition is that relationship with the Father, with Jesus and the Holy Spirit is an experience. When we want to learn something about someone, we do so by talking to that person, by going out, having a chit chat, by doing things together in general. It is a process and in the process we learnt about the person and we experienced the relatiuonship. Similarly with God, we learnt about Him through the bible, through prayer, through the prompting and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, through circumstances, through the sharing of others, we learn about Him by experiencing Him.

Do we really know what we know about God if we had not experienced Him? He is real. He is not a mental exercise in the study of the bible. We do not know him until we experienced Him.

I was sharing this verse today, Psalm 18: 2 and it reads “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (NASB)

 A lot of us know this verse but do we really know this verse?

Just to be forthright about it, I don’t think we really know this verse until we truly experienced God and declare unreservedly deep in our heart that He is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, He is my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

The following song was given to me as a word especially the chorus. It follows the same theme on God our solid rock

LORD YOU ARE ALWAYS HERE WITH ME

Words and Music by BO & ELSA JÄRPEHAG

Verse:

When troubles come I trust in You

For I know You will lead me through

And I know You are faithful Till the end

And when the storms are drawing near

When I'm with You I don't have to fear

You're my Shepherd on whom I can depend

Pre-Chorus:

Through the day, Through the night

I know You're always by my side

Chorus:

Lord You are always here with me

There is no changing God in thee

You are the same yesterday

And today and forevermore

Here on your promises I stand

You hold my future in your hand

My solid rock, Almighty God

I worship You

And so… In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #03 Comment #06

Not much to report except for the persistent nose bleeds.  Although not bleeding a lot, more like a trickle, I'm still a little worried because it is not healing. The hair continues to drop but at a slower pace.

The last couple of days are not good though...

• A cell group member's grandmother passed away.
• A worship ministry team member is warded in hospital in isolation.
• An elderly gentleman in church who was ill for quite a while had passed away.
• Some church members who are also diagnosed with cancer.

I'm not the only one suffering... for those who are praying for me, please pray too for others in who are also ill, we are all children of the Kingdom of God.

We need to pray and trust God to do what is needful. Never waiver, continue to persevere for those around you.

In God we must Trust.

The Sinking Island - Author Unknown

A good friend sent this to me.  It is not new and readily available on the net. However, we always need timely reminder.

----------------------------

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said,
"Richness, can you take me with you?"

Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!"

"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."

"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you."

It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way.

Realising how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who Helped me?"

"It was Time," Knowledge answered.

"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"

Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

----------------------------

The story is so real in my life right now.  "Only only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

How much time do I have? How much time is God going to give me? I asked to be able to see Nathan grow up to be 21 years old.  Will God honor this request?  Frankly I do not know but I trust and believe that God has His plan and as I had already mentioned before, I am bound to His sovereignty and so I do not question His decision.

This period, I had a lot of time on my hand, to contemplate and to sort of "seek out the meaning of life" and I sort of realised (hopefully correctly) what is meant by "Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity." (Ecclesiastes 1:2)

Only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is. Read one of earlier blog, please make time for family and love ones. As what Theodore Wan had said. “If you don’t schedule your timetable, the devil will plan it for you.” and the devil will make sure you do not have time for your love ones.

In God I Trust and I know He will give me the time that I need, no more, no less.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #03 Comment #05

For those who had read Post-Chemotherapy Session #03 Comment #04 without the "update", there was some updates. Hope you can go to it again.

Today, like the last round, the hair is starting to drop again. What is surprisingly is that the hair is dropping from the head. The rest of the body does not seem to be affected.

I am still coping well and having gone through 2 rounds of Chemo previously, I know what to expect for this round which means for the next couple of days I'll be experiencing various level of hunger pangs. The unpleasant feelings actually comes from the stomach churning in the middle of the night and waking up wanting to eat and drink some stuff but cannot because of the need to watch blood sugar.

Still I am happy that I "feel hungry" rather than "I don't feel like eating".

God is good all the time and all the time He is good and so... I Trust in God

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #03 Comment #04 (Updated #01)

For those that had managed to read the post before I deleted the last paragraphs, this is is an updated post.

--------------

Not much to report today but physically things are on the up-swing. Appetite is back to being good and getting hungry easily and want to eat, sugar level in under control.

Only slight problem I have is a small nose bleed in my right nostril. It is not healing well and it kept bleeding but very slowing and small.

Emotionally, it was a roller coaster ride yesterday and there were things said that should not or opinion raised that were inconsequential. Things are getting tougher emotionally now that I am into the 5th week of my therapy. It is a strain on the family and me. I guess Josie is the hardest hit because I am the closest to her and she has to manage her work, taking care of Nathan and be peace-maker in the house. Tough on her but that’s why I loved her. You can tell that she is also getting stronger but my heart still breaks when I see her sad.

I ask God this day for strength on behalf of my family and for Josie, I ask God for a greater measure of His grace and mercy, I ask Jesus to stand with us and be our comfort.

While wiping the cabinet top in our room and I saw this plaque that was there all the while but never really notice it and I was just wondering why? I guess God want to take His time to reveal Himself at the right moment or at least at a significant moment where the message could take root. The plaque reads “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer” (Psalm 18:2). How appropriate for Josie and me at this point.

When I am down, He reveals Himself. Such is our God.

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #03 Comment #03

I had not posted for the last 2 days.

Hoping to get some break and rest but my character and personality got the better of me and I spent time packing up the house again.  The good news is that the packing is coming to an end and I should have all that I'd planned to packed and stored away completed by Wednesday.  After that, it is just maintenance and keeping the place tidy.

The 3rd round of Chemotherapy... Wasn't feeling too good but that is as expected. The 4th round would be worse. I thank God that he is sustaining me. Was tired the whole of Saturday and Sunday but forced myself to remain active.

Blood pressure is a little on the low side but still within normal range. I just have to be careful but not standing up too fast and get dizzy spells.  Completed all the medications and now I'm just going into the "rest and rebuild" phase before round 4.

Today can be considered a bad day as I was really very lethargic but had a long nap in the afternoon for about 3 hours+. Don't be gross out but I had a nasty diarrhoea today in the late afternoon after the nap and felt much better after that.  I think it is the yucky stuff that the causing the lethargy.

Starting to go back to "normal" cycle now and feeling hungry but I still got to watch my blood sugar level.

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #03 Comment #02

Today, I'm not feeling too good but nothing serious, just that uncomfortable feeling especially around the stomach. Blood Sugar level went up the roof and had to inject more insulin to control it.

Josie's 2nd sister took leave to send us to TTSH and fetch us home after removing the pump. No drama here, standard procedure, in and out in less than 1/2 hours.

Occupying myself with emails (work) and sorting and packing personal documents at home.

Stay tune... Got some sharing coming.

Get regular updates from church concerning people that we need to pray for. There are quite a number of church members that are ill and they need as much prayer as I do.

Was a little depressed this morning because it's been exactly one month since one of my cell group member passed away. Woke up in the morning and just thought about him. I guess God is reminding me/us that there are still people out there, families that need our support.

God is still good to me and the family. Nathan is walking very well now, very stable and movement coordination looks good considering that he started walking for less than one month.

Josie is holding up well.

In God I Truly Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #03 Comment #01

I have nothing really much to report.

Side-effects and stuffs like that are the same as last time. I still got the hiccups, the nausea, the tiredness... They were more severe yesterday but milder today. Not sleeping very well though but that's probably because of the pump and I cannot really move very much and I was perspiring despite the air-conditioning.

But thank God that I am holding up and controlling my food intake so that the sugar level does not spike too much. Learning to titrate my insulin injection more accurately to match the blood sugar level.

2 days before the therapy, I had nose bleed but fortunately it stop pretty fast. The platelet level was this time was the same as the last time which generally is good sign.  White cell count was normal and higher than previous count. Red cell count is lower though.

All in all, I think it is still good and praying continuously for healing.

Oh... seem like recently, there is like a lot of "coincidences" but we all know it is God's planning.  As part of my packing last week, I realised that I have one too many guitar. Not a really fantastic one that cost thousands but a functional one that still gives good tonal quality. I normally prefer guitars that is "sweet" and bright sounding. During the last few prayer meetings organised by Josie's brother, he was using his guitar to lead worship and I thought he might need a guitar with built in pickup and so asked him if he wanted my guitar. He told me that he was planning to buy a new guitar but now he doesn't need to if I'm going to give him mine.

Praise God for he providence.

I Trust In God

Chemotherapy Cycle #03 Comment (Updated 3rd time)

I had completed the 3rd Chemotherapy session today.

The thing I don't liked the most for the therapy, the nausea!! The only way I can described it is like been high on alcohol or like hangover but remaining lucid plus the added feeling of motion sickness. The stomach doesn’t feel well.

As expected, the side-effects this time round were slightly worse than session #02 but thank God that it is still tahan-able.

I still managed to keep the food down but the sugar level spiked again. Got to monitor the sugar level closely and take insulin injection. That's all for now and feeling very tired but other than that, I'm alright.

Josie's family had stepped forward and helped and I got to really give thanks because without them, the travelling and other arrangement would be more difficult:

• The first 2 chemotherapy sessions, Josie’s nephew was the driver and together with her niece, they accompanied Josie.
• Today’s therapy, Josie’s 5th sister and brother-in-law was going to help with the transport but they had a last minute family matter to attend to and so could not make it. Fortunately, Josie’s eldest brother-in-law volunteered to send us to TTSH.
• Josie niece again accompanied her the whole day. Josie’s second sister fetched us home. Transport for the 4th session has already been arranged and Josie’s 4th brother-in-law will help with the transport.

Other things the family helped with were:

• Josie’s elder sister helped with buying an entire Bull Fish (Ngoh-he) that is not cheap.
• The younger brother organised 3 family prayer meetings cum communion.
• The 5th Sister and brother-in-law accompanied us during a second-opinion at National Cancer Centre followed by the consultation in TTSH with the Oncologist.

What I wrote here concerning the help extended by Josie’s family is but a small part of the things they had done. They had continually prayed, supported and encourage Josie through this period.

Other people from church and colleague had also been helpful.

• The parents of one of the Cell Group member gave me tips and passed some items that was useful like a special washing liquid for vegetable. They understood what I am going through as they had also witnessed their daughter’s fight with lymphoma and succeeded and their grand-daughter’s fight with kidney cancer but the Lord had chosen to take her home.
• Pastor and a church worker for helping to organise communion the day before each therapy.
• Cell group members for the support.
• Another church member for brewing beef essence that is so good and delicious and loving every single drop of it.
• The books passed to me by another 2 church member, one of them a cancer survivor.
• Church members offer of items that are useful but declined because either I have them already or the item are not suitable.
• Colleague who is helping me buy Diabetic Nutrient Supplement from Abbott.
• Colleague/Office who loan me a BP machine that is normally sold for hospital use. Very accurate, far better than those few hundred dollars set purchased at the Pharmacy
• Others who in their small ways encourages me with prayers and messages.

Josie said this evening while I was typing this blog that our marriage is no accident and I believe her. That God in His infinite wisdom had proposed and put us together. I can only say that the biggest beneficiaries was me and I thank God for it and in some ways I feel obligated to her.

Oh... I gained 1/2kg since last week.

Got to stand firm and fight the disease and trusting in God to perform the miracle.

In God I Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #03 Comment (19 Sept) / Communion

Tomorrow will the the 3rd round of Chemotherapy.  I will be lying if I say that I am not worried about it. There is no fear but I do feel somewhat apprehensive about it. The side effects from Round #02 was slightly worse than Round #01 and I suspect that Round #03 will be worse than Round #02 and hence my reluctance and apprehension.

I can only trust in Jesus that he will uphold me and minimise the strength of the side-effects.

Pastor conducted communion for family again and cell group members and friends were present.

The scripture read for the communion was Philippians 4:4, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!" (NASB)

Now I'll tell you what is so surprising about it.  A couple of nights ago, I had a dream and the number 444 came to me. I do not remember the content of the dream but I do recall that 444 is in reference to some scriptures. Philippians 4:4 has two 4s whereas my drean, I had three 4s. There seem to be a little mismatch but none the less I think it is related. what is the third 4s? I think God will reveal it soon enough.

Hmm... "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!"

In all my post, I had never really blog or make comment about "rejoicing" although I did mention about been thankful. It is I guess a reminder for me that I should also rejoice and share in all the goods things that the Lord had done in my life. Thus I quote Philippians 4:4-7.

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NASB)

Aha!!! The last 4... It refers to 4 verses from 4 to 7. The meanings of the verses for me in my situation are self explanatory and very clear especially verse 6 and 7.

Josie mentioned that her sister had Isaiah 44:4 "And they will spring up among the grass like poplars by streams of water." I guess you will have to read it in context from verse 1 to 4. In my case, my greatest worries are for Josie and Nathan.  These verses then speak to me about Nathan. God will take care of him.

Thank God and Jesus.
I Him I Trust.

Update for post "Christ and Cancer" and Opposite Attracts

In last Sunday's sermon, the Pastor was preaching on "Relationship in Christ". In one segment of the sermon, Pastor was saying that with our spouse, the opposite tends to attract like one partner is introvert and the other extrovert, one can pack well and the other not, etc. (note : part of what I write here is an extrapolation on the sermon) More often than not, these opposites complement each other. God in His wisdom gave us spouse that have opposite character or personality to compliment us.

When it comes to Josie, the fact is that there are really a lot of opposites that I can speak of and we do complement each other. Specifically for this blog, I want to say that she notice that in my post "Christ and Cancer", I used the phrase "Shall not name names" and go on to apologise if my comments was taken negatively, I had also written to the person who sent me the link to apologise in advance of the post. In any case, Josie mentioned that simply by using the phrase "Shall not name names" is already by itself inappropriate and that I should probably use generic phrase like "I was sent this link" and that's all. She is absolutely correct and I had edited the "Christ and Cancer" post. 

Thus the post now reads:

"I was given this link to read: http://www.soundofgrace.com/piper80/081780m.htm

The person who sent it to me intended it to nourish and empower me to trust Him in my situation and I am thankful for it.

This link goes to a site called "Piper's Notes" and specifically to a sermon entitled Christ and Cancer (Roman 8:18-28). It is quite long and will need some time to go through and some more effort to try and understand the content of the sermon."


Back to our spouse. In my earlier post, I had reproduced our marriage vow "In the Name of God, I, _____, take you, _____, to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.”

You will notice that even in the vows, there are opposite, "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish". The opposite do not just extend to the vows but in our daily life. I fully agree with what Pastor had preached on Sunday. God in is wisdom, provide for us a helper, a companion, one that will complement us and bring out the best in us.

Now, I say this with absolute seriousness, with no unintended punt nor with political correctness that marriage is an extremely serious matter!!! It is not to be taken likely. Even in the Anglican Marriage Liturgy, it says "Therefore, marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God." Our spouse is given to us by God, we may in our marriage life encountered difficult moments, disagreements, arguments, different choices, different preferences, different whatever... but our spouse is still our spouse, given by God to be cherished.

We were asked "Will you love him/her, comfort him/her, honor and keep him/her, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him/her as long as you both shall live?" and of course as part of the wedding ceremony, we all say "I will". However, do you consider (deep in your heart) that by saying "I will", we enter into a covenant with our spouses? This is not a contract that we can tear away whenever we feel like it.

Actually, I write this with a heavy heart too because I have a very good pair of friends who are divorced. When I first found out, it saddens my heart to the core because I had promised my male friend's mother that I will look out for them. They have their reasons and this post is by no mean a judgment of them nor is it meant to denigrate them. I still love them much. I fact, I feel sort of ashamed that as god-parent to their children, I had not done much except the odd lunches or dinners or meet up during special occasions.

I thank God for Josie and other than God, also the pillar of my strength. She does most things for Nathan now and allowed me to rest. She won't allow me to carry Nathan for long period because she is afraid that I will get tire easily. She feed him in the middle of the night whenever he wakes for milk. She supports me through my chemotherapy. I love her much.

In God I Trust

Here's a picture of Nathan dancing to a piece of music this morning. The arms are moving up and down.

Freed and God Reigns

About slightly more than a month ago, I got a new Galaxy S3 Smartphone. I was taking my time to setup the phone and download some apps that I commonly use. One of the Apps the I was downloading and use is YouVersion Bible. When I first launch on Sunday morning, the daily devotion verse the pop up was Roman 8:1-2.

Romans 8:1-2 (Deliverance from Bondage)
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.

Then as I was attending Service on Sunday, one of the songs sung was:

GOD YOU REIGN
Words and Music by Lincoln Brewster and Mia Fieldes
© 2008 Integrity's Praise! Music, SHOUT! Music Publishing

Verse 1
You paint the night.
You count the stars and You call them by name.
The skies proclaim, "God, You reign."
Your glory shines.
You teach the sun when to bring a new day.
Creation sings, "God, You reign."

Chorus 1
God, You reign.
God, You reign.
Forever and ever,
God, You reign.

Verse 2
You part the seas.
You move the mountains With the words that You say.
My song remains, "God, You reign."
You hold my life.
You know my heart and You call me by name.
I live to say, "God, You reign."

Bridge
Hallelujah! Hallelu!
Hallelujah! Hallelu!


Now, from the time when I started announcing my condition, Rom 8:1-2 was "given" to me several times and on Sunday morning, it reminded me of my last blog on "Christ and Cancer. It reaffirmed my beliefs that the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and of death. Therefore, my fresh and body may be corrupt due to Adam's original sin but I am no longer enslaved and are set free for now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

When God You Reign was sung during Sunday service, it reminded me again of an earlier blog "Confessing God's healing or Seeking God's Sovereignty". Nothing happened by chance as God is in control of everything, even when "nothing" happen, God is the one that make sure nothing happens. Therefore in this regards, I find the "coincident" to be uncanny for it reaffirms my stand on seeking God's sovereignty first and foremost. God created the heaven and earth, He created the stars, He parted the seas and walked on water. God is sovereign and He reigns.

When I combine these two thoughts together, Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and of death, God is sovereign and He reigns and therefore is on control of everything. As such, my life is completely in His hands to do as He pleases, to destine my life according to His will but I also have the assurance of been freed from condemnation under the law, By Christ's sacrifice, I enter into the holy of holies and there I seek the Lord, to worship and enquire of His will and ask for His healing.

On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

In God I Trust 

Christ and Cancer

I was this link to read: http://www.soundofgrace.com/piper80/081780m.htm

The person who sent it to me intended it to nourish and empower me to trust Him in my situation and I am thankful for it.

This link goes to a site called "Piper's Notes" and specifically to a sermon entitled Christ and Cancer (Roman 8:18-28). It is quite long and will need some time to go through and some more effort to try and understand the content of the sermon.

The author provided a summary at the end of the sermon that I will use it as the basis of the blog.

The author stated that "First, in this age all creation, including our bodies, has been subjected to futility and enslaved to corruption."

I personally find this disturbing. I am neither a preacher nor bible teacher and I do believe that our bodies may be corrupt but is it enslaved? Christ died to save and delivered us, therefore, how can our body be enslaved when He came to set us free. If anything, we are enslaved to Christ and I gladly choose to be enslaved to Him.

The author also stated that "Second, there is a new age coming when all those who endure to the end in faith will be set free from all pain and sickness."

You will have to read the sermon to understand the context of this statement. The author himself stated of Paul “yet His grace would be sufficient and His power would be manifest not in healing but in the faithful service of Paul through suffering”. However, do we really need to wait till the end to be set free from all pain and sickness? Again, you will have to read the sermon to understand the context but I believe that God is in control. We may suffer from pain and sickness but we are not bound by it for by grace we are set free and by grace God will sustain us.

I guess a lot may have to do with the way the scriptures are interpreted and how we understand it and how we choose to live it. I choose to live a live knowing the God had set me free and that I am no longer in bondage. Although I may be suffering an illness, I do not need to wait till the end (in heaven) to be released and set free. I am free now because I stand on the Father's grace and mercy.

THEREFORE, In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Comment #05

Things are definitely much better today.

Saw my regular hypertension doctor yesterday.  For those who was listening to FM 93.8 in the morning, he was interviewed about deep vein thrombosis.

I can modulate the insulin injection to match my blood sugar level and control my appetite. In other word, I can take more meals but much watch and if needed inject insulin to control the blood sugar.

I am taken off the anti-hypertensive as my blood pressure was low most probably due to the chemotherapy. I am also taken off the cholesterol lowering medication as the readings were very good. Visiting the doctor again in 2 months, have a blood test done and review the necessity of re-activating the medication of remain off them.

Foe now:

a) The sugar level is back to "normal" again as far as a diabetic is concerned. Had a scar this morning because the sugar level drop to <6 mmol. First time so far.  Now, the concern is not high sugar but low sugar.

b) Hair is still dropping and patches are starting to be obvious. Someone suggested that I might as well shave it now but I was thinking that shaving, the hair will be very short and since the hair is still dropping, these hairs will be tiny and short and I may just breathe them in while I sleep.

c) Appetite is very good.  Found myself snacking and having supper on most days.

Feel good, feel great and thank God for His providence.

I Trust In God

Confessing God's Healing or Seeking God's Sovereignty?

When this journey first began, I was very thankful that there such strong support from family, friends, bosses and colleagues.

Josie's (my wife) family was extremely supportive and they were the first few to know about my conditions and the immediately gathered around me to lend their support and prayer, even those who are non-Christian.  This had truly touched me and I am thankful that they are standing by and supporting their sister, Josie. On the same weekend that I was informed of the confirmed diagnosis, the family had gathered and prayed and had communion. Josie's brother, who is Pastor led in worship, sharing of the Word and celebrated communion.

They had started a prayer group using Whatsapp and regularly post scriptures, share their thoughts, send words of encouragement and update each other about my journey. I am very appreciate of it especially my 2nd Sis-In-Law with her daily morning post.  When I wake up in the morning, one of the first posts is usually from her.

There was one particular day before the start of my chemotherapy when I had shared with Josie about my thoughts because the family is concerned that I don't seem to be professing God's healing in my life, that I seem nonchalant about it.

The following is how the conversation went (sort of), I said to Josie: "Which is easier, to ask God for healing or to ask Him to take sovereignty over my life?"

I was telling Josie that it is easier to ask for healing. It is far more difficult to ask and yield to God’s sovereignty.  Anybody can ask for healing, there is no magic to it. You just have to say it, just pray it, and just confess it. It’s a no brainer. It’s too easy.

Asking and yielding to God’s sovereignty?  Now, in my opinion, that is altogether another proposition.  Yielding requires a much deeper kind of action, it is deliberate, and it requires conscious effort constantly lest we get distracted and lose sight of God and thus lost the way.

It is from this perspective that I do not specifically and directly ask God for healing.  I would rather let God take sovereignty over my life. When that truly can be accomplished, I would enter into a closer relation with God where I would know His will intrinsically and asking for healing at any time and it would only be done in accordance to His will and not trying to “bend” His will to our needs.

In the example of Solomon, he could have asked God for ANYTHING and God would have granted him his desire. However, Solomon asked for wisdom that to common folks is not logical. Who would not want power, wealth, influence, extension of earthly kingdom and much more? Still, Solomon asked for wisdom for with wisdom came knowledge and using modern adage, knowledge is power.  Therefore, with wisdom, Solomon also gained what he had not asked for as God acknowledges the choice that Solomon had made and that it is a good choice and thus everything else was given to Solomon.

In the similar way, I do not ask for healing but I ask for something that is higher, more significant, more in line with the desire of God and that is to let Him have control, let Him be sovereign.  For those who know me, I don’t normally do things the easy way but rather, I would do things the right way (or at least try to) or in manners that would pave and make the way easier either for myself or for others who come after me.  Once God is sovereign in my life, I would have entered into a different relationship with God, with Jesus, where I would be experiencing Him and I would know His will and pray according to His will.

In Psalms 23: 4, it reads “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;”

It does not read “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I pray that the Lord be with me for I fear evil;”

Do I ask for healing? Of course! As I had said before, this is a no brainer. I want to see Nathan grow up to be 21 (at least).

Do I desire the sovereignty of God? Of course! This to me is far more important than asking for healing because it forms the foundation of my faith.

Back to the question, do I confess God's healing or seek His sovereignty? My answer is that I seek His sovereignty first and foremost and everything else is secondary.  This is because I believe once God is sovereign, everything will be set according to His will including my healing REGARDLESS.

In one of my earlier blog, I said that we tend to take the life that God had given us for granted. With my condition, I see things differently now, things that God had given are precious and this include whatever extension He gives for my life.

I give myself to Him or at least I am trying my darn best.

In God I Trust

Don't Quit

Nothing really much to report today about my condition except:
a) Most of the side-effects had worn off and I'm feeling much better.
b) Hair still dropping but that is expected.
c) Blood sugar level is managing well and I'm back to the "hungry" self.
d) Blood Pressure was low the last few days but it is coming back to my normal baseline today.

All in all, I think it's good. I did some office work today and some house packing. They were great distractions for me.

Found another plaque that was given to me long time ago.  The words are quite meaningful.

DON'T QUIT

When things go wrong,
As they sometime will,
When the road you're trudging seem all uphill,
When the funds are low,
And the debts are high,
And when you want to smile,
But you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seem slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turn inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit.


Not quite about fighting cancer but it has similar correlation.  The fact of the matter is "Don't Quit".  The battle is far from over even though I believe by faith in the Sovereign Will of God and that I continued to asked for healing.

The fight that was fought to entrust my whole being to God for Him to take Sovereign control.

The fight is maintaining the faith, not knowing what the outcome is until at least 6 weeks from now when the next scan is done.

I don't fight the disease, God is fighting for me. I won't quit fighting because I know God is standing beside me.

In God I Trust.

A Prayer For You

One of the few things that I am doing a home while undergoing treatment is to pack the house.

Yes, yes... I hear you... I am supposed to rest but for those who know me, that is kind of hard.  I cannot be sleeping 24 hours and I need to keep myself mentally and physically occupied. However, I do admit that I get tired a lot more easily in the last 2 days.

Hair is still dropping by the loads.

Anyway, in the process of clearing the house, I never really quite knew that there are things that I had kept since primary school that are absolutely useless except for the memories. Cutting the long story short, a lot of stuffs are either throw out or donated or given to friends.

While packing, I found a small plaque that was given to me long time ago. Can't remember who gave it though.  On it is a small card with an "A Prayer For You".  I thought it is quite meaningful and would probably mean something to someone.  Therefore, I hope the words reproduced here will be an encouragement to those who are reading it.

A Prayer For You

I said a prayer for you today
And know God must have heard...
I felt the answer in my heart
Although he spoke no word.
I didn't ask for wealth or fame
I knew you wouldn't mind...
I asked Him to send treasures
Of a far more lasting kind
I asked that He be near you
At the start of each new day
To grant you health and blessings
And friends to share your way.
I asked for happiness for you
In all things great and small...
But it was for His loving care
I prayed the most of all


Dear friends, the last few weeks has been topsy-turvy for me.  My life really got changed and there a huge amount of adjustment.  I was at Toa Payoh Central today to pick up a gift for the wife, something that I had wanted to do since I knew her. Never told her about it but had wanted it to be a wedding gift, a beautiful piece of Jade that I brought in Myanmar long time ago and had it set as a pendent. She was there with me to pick it up. Before you think that I am a romantic type, my wife will tell you that I am far from it but none the less, it was something that finally got fulfilled.

Along the way, I see folks at the coffee shops eating and drinking and I told myself that I had really taken these simple pleasures of life for granted when I was healthy.  Friends, be thankful that you are able to enjoy the bowl of Laska, the plate of Char Kway Teow with the cockles, Butter and Kaya Toasts, etc, etc.  These are the things that I am no longer able to enjoy. For now at least.

I pray that God will heal me not because I want to enjoy these things again but so that His grace and mercy can be made known, that He is Sovereign. The small "pleasures", I call them fringe benefit. Sufficient for me today is what He had already given to me... family and friends.

In God I Trust
In Him I Must Obey

In God We Trust

The following is from the chorus of the song "In God We Trust" by Stryper.

In God we trust
In Him we must believe
He is the only way
In God we trust
His Son we must receive
Accept Him today, tomorrow's too late

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Comment #04

Argh... It has finally happened... My hairs are dropping. Soon you will see a botak. Thankfully it will grow back after the Chemo.

Things are still ok on my end. The blood sugar level is modulating well, appetite is very good.  In fact I get hungry very fast and the doc says to eat as I need but then I got to watch my sugar level.

Had a break yesterday from blogging as I was quite tired but I guess that’s from trying to keep myself busy by packing the house.  Was a little tired today as well and had a long afternoon nap for about 2 hours today.

I am constantly reminder of the people out there who cared for me with their messages of encouragement and suggestions.  Even some of the customers from work were concerned.  This definitely helps in supporting me mentally.

Therefore, I am also constantly reminded of God’s goodness and grace towards me.  What I meant was that he had carried me so far through my two sessions of Chemo-therapy and despite what I hear about the side effects, I look at myself and realize that it not as severe as indicated. Sure, there was the initial nausea but the food managed to be held down, there was no diarrhea, the fatigue was there but not severe, blood works looks good, etc, etc.

It is thus that I repeat that I have no fear for God is with me, His strength will carry me, His grace is sufficient for me, His mercy covers me.

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Comment #03

My blood sugar level getting bit hay-wire. Feeling a bit giddy now but not much nausea, I think the meds is helping.

Just injected the blood booster Pegfilgratim (12:30pm) 24 hours after the last chemo-dose.

Was well this morning and so the family went to the organiccfarm at Lim Chu Kang to buy veggie.  Need to get out of the house and have some sun but hazy day... darn forest fire.

I'm a little depressed when I saw my weight.  Lost another 2kg again. Sigh...

But have no fear for God is with me, His strength will carry me, His grace is sufficient for me, His mercy covers me.

In God I Trust.

The Father's Heart

The Father's Heart

The Father's heart never changes,
From the beginning to the end.
Son of Heaven descended,
Saved us all for eternity.
Cause the Father's Heart, longs for us.

Joy of my desire,
Jesus my Lord,
Jesus my Saviour,
The Father's sacrifice.


Words by DY

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Comment #02

Some of the side effects are still there, slight nausea, hick ups, tinkling sensation in the teeth, still slightly sensitive to pain.

Other than there all is well. Appetite is good and food is staying down. Blood glucose is under control, hovering around 14-16.

I will be going to TTSH at 2pm to remove the pump. Continue to watch this space for updates this afternoon.

------------------------------------------

I just got back from TTSH.  Removed the pump and needle, drew some blood for test. All went smoothly, in and out in about 15 minutes.

Still a little groggy but the nausea is not severe probably due to the anti-nausea meds I'm taking.

I will be injecting the blood booster Oegfilgrastim tomorrow.

------------------------------------------

Pray for speedy recovery from the side-effects but I think God that the side-effects were not severe.

Cheers!!
In God I thrust.

Post Your Comment (Updated on 7 Sept)

Had originally wanted to restrict comments on my blog but was told the process of registering is very complicated.  Therefore, I had unrestricted the comment post.

I will still be modulating the comments. It will help if you leave your name and not post anonymously.

Oh... You can subscribe to this blot.  The link is right at the bottom of the blog's overview page but anyway, here's the link: http://davidyuejourney.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default


May God Bless You.
In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Comment #01

Some of the side effects stared to kick in today.

Started having hiccups and this is the same as the last time after the 1st chemotherapy session.

When I touch cold objects, feels like getting static electricity shock. This is a known side-effect so please, please, don't panic. Dis not happen during the 1st round though.

Pain receptors are more sensitive, i.e. small knock can feel quite painful.

Fingers get cramps when working on the mouse for too long.

Feeling quite well but get tire slightly easier.  Just woke up from my nap and going for lunch now. Blood sugar level is 14 mmol which is good considering that the other side effect of steroidal drugs is to cause elevation of blood sugar.

Other than theses and having pump connected, I can't really do much stuff but feel like doing some physical stuff. That's good I would say.

Cheers!!
In God I thrust.

Make Time for Family and Close Ones

Had always wanted to write and had thought about it for church's magazine but never really got down to it.  Had written one article for vetting by the Vicare but never really brought it further than that. Now that this blogspot is created, this avenue is as good as any for my writing.

With my current condition and I guess for others with similar situation, our perspective in life changes especially with regards to those that is around us.

I remembered that when Josie and myself was attending our church's leadership course, our group had a discussion about friends and family and how we intend to reach out to them and about spending time with them. One of our group members, Theodore said something that was very interesting. He said: “If you don’t schedule your timetable, the devil will plan it for you.”

At the moment, I was thinking to myself… hey! That’s profound but you will have to understand the context of the discussion, and then you will realize why this statement is profound.

Our discussion centered around making time for our family and close friend and we all realize that we seldom make deliberate plan to spend time with family and friends and we don’t mean making plans for the annual family holiday or the occasional meet up to have drink (that I no longer am able to do and enjoy... :-( We ask ourselves, when was the last time that we deliberately planned ahead to meet up with friends on regular basis?

Now, the above statement is a generalization as we do know of people who will meet up regularly with friends but then the questions:

1.      How much time with friends?

2.      How much time with family?

3.      And the catch, how much time we spend at work?

I realize that on my part, I had not really spend QUALITY time with my family and with close friends and do not specifically plan ahead to do something with family and friends. Very often, if I do meet up with friends, it is usually done like “hey, I’m free tomorrow, can we meet? Oh, cannot ha… ok, we contact again next week to see how ok?” And next week never arrive.”

Have you checked you calendar, have you attempted to clear your calendar of unimportant activities so that you can spend time with family and friends? I tell you, under my current circumstances, I realized that very often I take my family and friends for granted.  It is during these times that you realize (stating it bluntly) how important your family is and who is your true friends.

Now back to what Theodore said. “If you don’t schedule your timetable, the devil will plan it for you.” Take a step back, plan your schedule deliberately to include time for family and friends and I mean QUALITY time, pray and ask God for wisdom and knowledge on how to plan, when, what, where.  If He can create universe, He can create the opportunities for you. If you don’t, the devil has a nasty way of coming in to cloud your life with one thing after another that will distract you from your family and friends.

Thus, I had resolve to try and spend as much quality time with Josie as much as possible and some close friends but Nathan came along mid last year and there was a huge adjustment but Josie was very understanding and never stop me from meeting close friends and occasionally have after-work drinks with some colleagues but under the conditon that I don't drive.

God is gracious. I have an extremely supportive wife and this really bring into the picture our marriage vow where we have to affirm by saying to each other: “In the Name of God, I, _____, take you, _____, to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my solemn vow.”

Thus we are bound by our vows and in the Name of God.  Let’s make time for family and friends.

In God I Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #02 (5 Sept 2012)

Arrived at TTSH, Clinic 5A, Room 27 to start my chemotherapy at 8:30am in the morning. Have to get some blood tests done before therapy could proceed.

The Oncologist is primarily concern about the Full Blood Count and whether the reading is healthy enough to proceed with therapy although other tests were done to check on my general condition. I'm happy to report that most of the readings were normal.

There were 2 results that post minor concern. The CA 1-99 (Pancreatic Cancer Marker) is hovering around the same level as when I was initially diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. The Oncologist mentioned that this is not of major concern now as the number is close to the initial number and usually after the first session, the number may flare. So, the reading remaining roughly unchanged is alright.  The other is my platelet level is reducing but still above the range where it is still acceptable for the therapy to proceed.

He is quite surprised by my report that the side-effects from the first session of chemotherapy is not severe and that my appetite is very good and encourages me to eat as I wish except of course I got to watch my sugar level.

In today's session, I told more notes of what was given. With providing more details the treatment is as follows:

1. Intravenous and oral Ondansetron

(Used to prevent nausea and vomiting caused by cancer chemotherapy)

Oral Ondansetron to be taken for 4 days.

2. Intravenous and oral Dexamethasone

(Relieves inflammation and intestinal disorders and treat certain types of cancer)

Oral Dexamethasone to be taken for 3 days

3. Intravenous Atrophine

(Used as an antispasmodic to reduce stomach and intestinal spasms)

4. Intravenous Oxaliplatin

(An anti-cancer chemotherapy drug)

5. Intravenous Irinotecan

(An anti-cancer chemotherapy drug)

6. Intravenous Leucovorin

(Used in combination with other chemotherapy drugs to either enhance effectiveness)

7. Intravenous 5FU

(An anti-cancer chemotherapy drug)

8. Intravenous 5FU through a pump that I take home for the next 46 hours.

9. Oral Emend

(Use for preventing acute and delayed chemotherapy-induced nausea and vomiting)

Have to consume today and for the next 2 days.

Very expensive.

10. Subcutaneous Pegfilgrastim

(Pegfilgrastim works by helping the body make more neutrophils)

Neutrophils is a type of white cell needed to reduce the chance of infection while on therapy.

To be injected Saturday, 24 hours after the completion of the "home" 5FU.

Yes, I inject them myself.

Extremely expensive.

11. Oral Metoclopramide

(Used to treat nausea)

To be taken as required.

12. Subcutaneous Insulin.

To control my elevated blood sugar level due to the steroid used in my therapy.

These are not counting the Diabetic, Hypertension and Hyper-cholesterol medication that I have to take. Feel like a walking chemical store.

Today's session was just like to last one except the onset of the nausea side effect was slightly stronger compared to the first session. Almost vomited my lunch but thank God it did not happen.

Got home at about 5:30pm and by then, I was quite tired and lethargic. Had dinner at 6:45pm and managed to eat well and hold the food down.  Had a short nap for about half hours around 7:15pm while watching the news. Feeling quite "energetic" now (12 midnight) while typing this blog.

Josie's nephew and niece was very kind to accompany me to hospital. The nephew to drive and both nephew and niece kept Josie accompanied. From my work, a customer in TTSH also accompanied me for about an hour which aslo very kind of her.

Sorry if there is a lot details in this post but here is the main reason; Despite all the drugs and the side-effects, I am generally feeling quite good except for dehydration. Have to drink lots of water.

AND... All the glories goes to God. Prayed before, during and after the therapy, believing that God is in control and he gave me the strength to "tahan" the treatment.

Very hungry again. Gotta go snack.

In God I Trust

Communion on Tuesday, 4 Sept

On 21st August, Canon had graciously agreed and celebrated communion for my family, cell group and friends before my first chemotherapy on 22nd August.

On 4 September, Canon Tong had again graciously agreed to celebrate communion again before my 2nd chemotherapy on 5th September.

During this session, the word shared is from Mark 8:22-26 (NASB)

²² And they came to Bethsaida. And they brought a blind man to Jesus and implored Him to touch him. ²³ Taking the blind man by the hand, He brought him out of the village; and after spitting on his eyes and laying His hands on him, He asked him, “Do you see anything?” ²⁴ And he looked up and said, “I see men, for I see them like trees, walking around.” ²⁵ Then again He laid His hands on his eyes; and he looked intently and was restored, and began to see everything clearly. ²⁶ And He sent him to his home, saying, “Do not even enter the village.”

I was trying to take note of all that Canon Tong was saying from these passages but alas I sort of gave up because I could not note everything while trying to concentrate on what he said.

What I could gathered were these:

1. The massage is timing because there are those in COR who are ill.
2. In the passage, the man was not immediate heal as oppose to the other miracles where those who were healed by Jesus was heal completely and immediately.
3. We should take encouragement that healing is a process and that it can take a while. In this case, the Lord had to pray a second time
4. Therefore, we need to persevere as healing is in the Lord's hand and that is something that we have to exercise.

This reminded me of what I had shared with Josie concerning asking for healing.  It is easy to ask and pray for healing but it is more difficult to ask God to take sovereignty in our life and let Him have full control. My thought is that once I am yielded to him fully, my life is in His control and thus He decides what He intend for me regardless. In that state however, I would also have full confidence in going to Him and unabashedly ask for healing knowing in faith that he will do what is necessary for me. The part that will be more difficult for people to accept is that God may choose not to heal slowly or not to heal at all but am I going to grouse about it? No, far be it that I should question the way of God for I have yielded to Him.

This does not mean that I do not pray and seek healing. I do and I ask that God allow me to see Nathan reached the age of 21. Why 21? Well, that is just a number that I look forward to and when that happens, my heart will be so full of gratitude and praise for God that nothing would be able to contain it for truely I will sing and shout of the mercies and grace of the Lord.

In the past, I live everyday without much thought about Jesus except when there is a need. Now, every new day I see the glory of God.

In God I trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Comment #01

Tomorrow I'll be going for my second treatment. Not sure how to describe the feeling that I have now.

"Fearful" is too stong a word.
"Afraid" is not accurate in descibing the feeling.
"Concerned"... well, yes but not quite.

Of course there is that small amount of fear but it is more to do with fearing the physical feeling of the treatment, i.e. the nausea.

Am I really afraid, nah... not quite. Josie can testify to that as I seem "eager" and chatty going in to my first treatment. This time, knowing what the process is, there is a small amount trepidation but I believe that God's hand in on me and I need not fear but I would be dishonoring God if I do not confess that there is this small niggling feeling within me that I can't quite put my finger on.

Perhaps "anxious" is as close to the feeling that I can describe but only to a lesser extent.

I'll go tomorrow knowing that God, my family and friends are with me.

In God I Trust.

Journey Update #001

The following is an update on my condition.

On 22^nd Aug (Wed), started on the 1st round of treatment.  I was treated with on FOLFIRINOX that is combination four different drugs:
1.      Leucovorin Calcium (Folinic Acid)
2.      Fluorouracil
3.      Irinotecan Hydrochloride
4.      Oxaliplatin

FOLFIRINOX is now one of the newer established method used to treat Pancreatic cancer that has metastasized (i.e. the cancer had spread to other parts of the body).

I was given Leucovorin Calcium, Irinotecan Hydrochloride and Oxaliplatin on 22^nd itself over about 4 hours and Fluorouracil through a pump that I take home over the next 48 hours.  The infusion was done through a port that was implanted below the skin on my upper right chest just below the collar bone.

During the initial infusion, things are generally alright and I was feeling quite well but the “hit” came in near the end of the infusion.  The nausea was a feeling that I did not quite expect because I never had such “bad” nausea feeling before.  The next 2 days was the same and in fact the nausea remains quite “bad”.  Fortunately, the side effects are quite well documented for this treatment and I was given medication to counter the side effects.

I was told I may vomit but surprisingly it did not occur and I was able to hold all my food down. Still, it was an awful feeling of been tired and lack of appetite. Have to force myself to eat regularly even if it is in smaller portions. Had lost about 11 kg before the treatment and lost about 1.5 kg in 4 days after starting treatment.

On Friday, 24th Aug, went back to Hospital to remove the pump.

By Saturday, the appetite was still a little bad and still quite lethargic but by God’s grace, majority of the side effects had reduced in intensity by then and I was well enough to move about.  The side effects got progressive lesser and lesser and by early Tuesday, it has more or less disappeared.

Due to the cancer, I am diabetic as well since my pancreatic function is impaired in that the pancreas is not producing enough insulin in the manner a normal person would. Part of the treatment uses steroid to control the side effects and boost the blood count of the body.  This however causes my blood sugar level to spike to a very high level after every meal.  Therefore on top of taking the regular oral diabetic medication, I am place on insulin injection as well to control the sugar level.  This process is very difficult to manage as I need to control the level of blood sugar carefully and titrate with appropriate the amount of insulin injection. This means that I need to test my sugar level regularly. My poor fingers… they are pricked so much.

Now is the time for the body to rebuild and re-strengthen for the 2^nd round of treatment on 5 Sept.

Today is Monday, 3rd Sept.  I feel like, look like and behave like a normal person except for the sugar level. If you do not know that I have cancer, you would not suspect it.

Truly want to thank God and those around me who is supporting me and there are so many to name.  It was quite tough for Josie initially but again by God’s grace, He had strengthened her such that she is able to stand beside me and fight with me.

This few short paragraphs could hardly express my thanks to God, family and community of christians and friend who is standing with me.

In God I Trust.

The Very Beginning (Summary)

The Very Beginning (Summary)

This blog was started because I was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer and wanted to share this journey with those who were concerned with my condition.

I am truly touched with the kind responses and the support shown by family, community of Christians, friends, colleagues, business associate and friends and colleagues of my wife. Truly want to thank God and those around me who is supporting me and there are so many to name.

If I need to put a date to it, then it all started on 15 March 2012 when I went for my regular follow-up for my hypertension and hyper-cholesterol. At that time, my fasting glucose level was elevated but not to the extent to cause major alarm.  The doctor suggested that I monitor the situation for the next 6 months, followed by 2 blood tests to determine the level of glucose in my blood.

At the same time, I started feeling bloated after meals, stomach spasm and gas.  I thought at that point of time that it might be stomach flu as the symptoms were very similar.  Saw the company GP and was prescribed some medication to take care of the spasm and winds. The condition got slightly better after one week and I “cleared” for one week after that.  However, on the 3^rd week, the stomach flu symptoms all came back. Went back to see the company doctor and got prescribed the same medication but was informed to see them again if the symptoms persist.

On 7 April, we had to send our domestic helper to SGH A&E for an old wound that started to get “infected” (actually, it wasn’t an infection but the accumulation of fluid in the wound cavity that did not close up properly). I thought since I am at SGH A&E, I might as well get myself looked at for the persistence “stomach flu”.

Skipping the specific details, I was supposed to be referred to gastroenterology but the waiting time for an appointment is extremely long and so, I was referred to colorectal specialist to have a look. That was 10 April. Referred for Gastroscopy on 2 May and results came back positive for Gastritis, Duodenitis and Helicobacter bacteria in the stomach.  Underwent what is known as triple therapy to clear the stomach of the bacterial and was thus on antibiotic for 2 weeks.

Things were so far so good at least in treating the gastritis and the helicobacter. At the end of the 2 weeks, the stomach condition started to get much better but it was also during this period around 16 May that pain started to appear on the left near the stomach and occasionally the pain extended to the back. Had a follow-up with Colorectal Clinic on 18 June and told them as much and also explained that I had lost about 5kg.  They suspect some problem but I guess they are from colorectal dept and so they ordered a colonoscopy to see if there is any issue with the colon suspecting that it might be colon cancer.  Anyway on hindsight and after knowing my present condition, was upset that the doctor did not suspect any problem with the Liver/Gall Bladder or Pancreas.

Again, around this period of time, I started drinking a lot of water because I am always thirsty and going to the toilet very often and had sugar craving. I can go through 2 ice-kachangs in a single sitting.

I work in the medical industry and a few of my colleagues are register nurses.  On one afternoon, we were having chit-chat and it was round about lunch time and related my thirst and toilet visit to my colleagues. Immediately one of them said that I should get my blood sugar tested because the symptoms are very typical of diabetes. It so happen that one other colleague who was also present is diabetic and he offered to bring his test kit to office and have my blood tested the next day and this was on 29 June and the sugar level was high.  Not wasting any time, I immediate had my appointment at TTSH changed to 2 July for the blood test (Fasting Glucose and HBA1C) and seeing the Consultant on 5 July. I am very thankfully for the Consultant’s assistance because have known her for many years, she helped to push in my appointment.

Needless to say, the test showed that I am diabetic and was thus prescribe oral diabetic medication.  I thought that was the end of it and I simply have to adjust and change my lifestyle to that of a diabetic.

Anyway, the pain that was on the left side was getting worse so much so that I get woken up at night and bow over in pain.  Again this was quite unbearable and since now that I know that I am diabetic, I thought the pain could be due to some problem with the pancreas and so requested for a CT scan and that was arranged on 6 July.  I was also prescribed a strong pain killer to help with the pain and sleep.

Saw the Consultant again on 10 July and was given the “bad” news. The long and short of it is that they found a “mass” at the pancreatic head with “invasion” of the liver and duodenum. The Consultant order a few more test to ascertain the condition of the Pancreas and made a referral to a surgeon to see what can be done about the “mass”.

Saw the Surgeon on 20 July and the Surgeon was quite straight forward and told me that it is most like Pancreatic Cancer. Well, imaging my reaction? Actually I was quite calm having expected the worse knowing what I know.  Josie was very much, she was quite devastated.  2 tests were ordered, a PET-CT Scan on 25 July and a biopsy on 27 July.

Collected the PET-CT Scan result on 26 July and surprisingly, the scan result was not remarkable.  At the same time, because Josie had a colleague who knew an Oncologist in National Cancer Centre (NCC), I was given an appointment on the 26 July itself.  The Oncologist looked my CT scan report, some of my blood test results and the PET-CT scan report.  He comment that my condition is somewhat unique as there seem to be indication of Pancreatic Cancer, the blood test and PET-CT scan report is not conclusive of it. There might still be hope that it is some form of lymphoma that is more manageable or severe from pancreatitis but this is unlikely.  The only definite way of knowing is from the biopsy result.

Saw the Surgeon on 3 Aug and was immediately given the bad news confirm that I had pancreatic cancer and more specifically Adenocarcinoma in the advanced stage. Go and google “Adenocarcinoma” and you can read up about it. Bottomline is that this form of cancer is extremely difficult to treat and life expectancy is very low once in the advance stage.

Due to the specific growth and position of the tumor, it is not operatable.  My hepatic portal vein is occluded and there seem to be invasion into the liver along the bile duct.  The bright side of it is that gall-bladder and bile duct is not occluded. It would make my life miserable literally it it had been occluded.

Next stop: Saw the TTSH Oncologist on 6 August and was prescribed the treatment but he described it a palliative.

Had 2^nd opinion at NCC and 3^rd opinion at NUH, both on 7 Aug and all concur diagnosis and with the treatment planned by TTSH Oncologist.

This is end of Chapter One.