Radiotherapy: Update #10

It was a regular radiotherapy session today. The only unpleasant part was the massive traffic jam alone AYE due to an accident at Penjuru Road. For those who drive and know where Penjuru Road is, you will know that the jam was indeed massive if the jam goes all the way from Penjuru to Tiong Bahru.

On the physical front, I was a little tired but that’s probably because we had to bring Nathan to the doctor after my therapy for his persistent cough and runny nose. Had to wait for more than 2 hours before we got to see the doctor and because of it, the timing of my meals for today was hay-wired. The pain is starting to creep in again since the “good” day yesterday but it is not so bad as yet but bad enough to prevent me from having a good nap in the evening before dinner.

On the emotional front, maybe because I did not get a good nap, I was really irritable and I jumped at both my mother and Josie over something that was kind of nagging at me for quite a while but they were also things that may seem trivial to you. The toll on the family is indeed great and it is no small matter for caregivers of cancer patient as they walk the journey together. You can perhaps say that I am fortunate to have a supportive family and a group of supportive friends but it still does not take away the angst of having to go through what I am going through and the feeling of anger of having cancer and to be very honest about it, sometime the anger extends even to God not because of the cancer but because I see what Josie had to go through just to support me.

During the drive, Josie also shared about the conflict that she is experience that on one hand she believes in the sovereignty of God and yet on the other hand, she could not reconcile that cancer could be healed. Anyway, this is again a topic for another post.

Because of the traffic Jam this morning, I reached the Radiotherapy Centre somewhat late and had to wait my turn but while waiting, I had the opportunity to continue to read the book by Bernard of Clairvaux and the chapter that I was reading spoke about the “modesty” in prayer; in the sense that we don’t pray for a specific item and in a lengthy way but in making a simple statement to God that contains the unspoken desire within us. As a personal example, I come to God and say “I am sorry” that I was angry at Him but unspoken in this statement is also the fact that I need his forgiveness for the sin of been angry with Him but also inquire of His grace and mercy to overcome the angst within me and also for His support of Josie. This too reminds me of 2 quotes that I had posted from Brother Lawrence where he says:

“That we ought to act very simply towards God, speaking frankly to Him, and asking His help in things as they occurred; in his experience, God never failed to give it.”

“I advise you to avoid much talking in prayer; long speeches often induce distractions.”

However, I do acknowledge that in corporate and group prayer, it is often necessary to be “lengthy” with our prayer so that others may know what was in our heart and thoughts when we prayed for how would people know that when I say “I am sorry” that it would also mean more than just the 3 words.

Therefore in conclusion, I further say that in Christ alone my hope is found and that there is no need for me to dwell deeply into the circumstances except to look to Christ who is my hope and thus so by faith I trust Him.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Journey In Faith

For those who had noticed, the tagline I used in my last 2 blog entry was “In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found”

It has been a while now since I had added Hebrews 11:1 as my tag-verse having seen the goodness of God and received the assurance that he had given me. Quite a number of weeks ago, Josie’s second sister also shared about her study of Hebrews 11 but her reading included verse 6 that says “And without faith it is impossible to please Him,..”

Hebrew 11:1 (NASB)

¹ Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:6 (NASB)

⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

Today, I noticed too that Hebrews 11:2 says “For by it the men of old gained approval.” (NASB)

There are 2 parts to what I wished to share in today’s entry and the first part is about faith and hope. What I had not realised back then when I first included Hebrews 11:1 as my tag-verse was that I had focused so much on the part about “faith” and “trust” that I had missed the part in the same verse about the “assurance of the things hoped for,..”. I had written much about hope; of my hope in Christ but I had not really link the matter of faith with hope except when I quote Brother Lawrence’s words in “By Faith Give All to Gain All” posted on 5 March 2013. I had said before that you cannot dissociate “Trust” from “Faith” or vice versa for they are integral because we cannot trust God but have no faith or to have faith in God but no trust in Him. In so saying, out of faith and trust derives hope because faith gave substance to hope. It is because of faith that there is hope and it is also because of hope that faith is strengthened.

Concerning Verse 2 and Verse 6 of Hebrews 11 and this is the second part of my sharing. Suffice to say that these 2 verses spoke of gaining approval and pleasing God. Why I had grossed over these 2 verses was because I had not come to believe in God, to have faith in him just so that I can please Him or seek His approval. My faith in God was regardless of whether I gained His approval or seeking to please Him. I do realise that this is a very dangerous statement to make because it can very easily be misconstrued and just to clarify; it does not mean that I do not seek His approval nor try not to please Him. On the contrary, by having faith in God, it also means that in everything that I do, I seek to please Him and also sought after His approval. It is again one of those situations where having faith in God, pleasing Him and seeking His approval goes hand in hand and one is not independent of the others. By Faith we believe and if we believe in God and who He is, aren’t we then bound to the desire to want please Him as God and as Sovereign? Also, if we seek to please Him and believe in His sovereignty, then needless to say we too seek to gain His approval as a son would of his father or a subject his king.

Therefore, in using the tagline “In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found”, I am also declaring that I seek after Him, after His approval and also to please Him.

  

This leads me to the final 2 verses of Hebrews 11, Hebrews 11:39-40 “³⁹ And all these, having gained approval through their faith, did not receive what was promised, ⁴⁰ because God had provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect.” (NASB)

Verse 39 hits me with a sort of a bang as it says “…did not receive what was promised…” If you read through the whole of Hebrews chapter 11, the word “promised” meant different things for the different people given as examples of their faith in God. In my reading, I had felt that God was speaking to me in this verse as if saying “David, you have not received what was promised but I am providing something better for you.” What this promise is that I am missing out on I do not know and but I know the “better” thing that God had provided in Christ His Son and to expand it further, when Christ ascended, He sent the Holy Spirit who will strengthen and comfort me and if the Spirit be willing, my healing.

It is thus that I pray the prayer in 1 Kings 8:57-59 but I had taken the liberty of changing the plural into singular and so prayed “⁵⁷ May the Lord my (our) God be with me (us), as He was with my (our) fathers (spiritual); may He not leave me (us) or forsake me (us), ⁵⁸ that He may incline my (our) heart(s) to Himself, to walk in all His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His ordinances, which He commanded my (our) fathers (spiritual). ⁵⁹ And may these words of mine, with which I have made supplication before the Lord, be near to the Lord my (our) God day and night, that He may maintain the cause of His servant and the cause of His people Israel, as each day requires,..”

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

My Topsy-Turvy Days

You have read about me talking about my physical pain and before that concerning my motion and stools… It really has been a topsy-turvy 2 weeks in my life.

Yesterday was a bad day and that led to my blog post about my physical “Pain In The Journey”. Yesterday, I had slept for practically the entire day. After breakfast I slept, after lunch I slept again and all the while the sleep was fitful due to the pain and the discomfort.

Today was another story. Although I did not really have a very good night sleep, again due to the pain and discomfort, I was generally alright for the day. Attended the wedding lunch banquet of the worship pastor (I guess I can call him that) who is also one of the worship leader in church. As with any wedding banquet, there were plenty of food and I was happily enjoying them and consuming quite a lot of it without any undue discomfort.  You can say that it was thus a good day for me. Although I was not really in a positive mood or position to attend the couple’s wedding solemnisation yesterday, I was none the less very happy for them and in fact, when I first knew that they were a couple, I was already genuinely very happy for them. They are such a lovely couple.

For some reason, the pain is more obvious at night and I am now feeling the discomfort again and the pain.  On Tuesday, I have a medical appointment with my diabetes Consultant and hopefully he can have some advises or make some prescriptions that can help me until I can see my Med-Oncologist on 13 May. By the way, the stool is getting very light in colour and is not really a good sign.

I guess the topsy-turvy part is not just on a day to day basis but within the day as well but to be able to enjoy the banquet today and see church friends and receive encouraging words really make my day too and thank I God for it.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Pain In the Journey

Have I reached another milestone in my journey?

The title for this blog entry is that same as the one posted on 10 March but the difference is that this blog is about the physical pain in the journey.

God had been good to me as I was spared the suffering and the pain for about 8 months with the chemotherapy sessions. Since my last hospitalization for duodenum and bile duct obstruction, every single day are a constant struggle to get better and so was the pain. While in the hospital, I had experienced the most excruciating pain that I had ever known. Just to give you an idea of what it is like, for those of you who had the misfortune of been hit in the shin really hard by a hard object, you will know that it is one of the most painful experience that one can have. The pain that I had experienced in TTSH was worse, so far worse that I really needed strong pain killer (morphine) every 2 hours just to ease the pain and even then, the pain wasn’t totally removed. Ha!!… I thought I have a strong tolerance for pain and even one of the doctors in TTSH described me as “stoic” or the surprise from one of the nurses that was helping to flush the port used for my chemotherapy that I had never used local analgesic whenever the needle was inserted for chemotherapy.

When I was discharged, I thought that I would be alright as the pain was not too bad and that it was just a residue from the stentings. Oh how wrong I was. It has been 2 weeks since I was discharged and now the pain is not only constant and nagging but I can feel that it is progressively getting worse. I don’t think I can use “stoic” to describe myself anymore as I reach for the morphine bottle every night to help ease the pain so that I can sleep. At least for now, I had resisted the temptation to consume the morphine more than what was prescribed and in fact I am actually taking less.

In the last review with the Radio-Oncologist, I was told that the tumor will not shrink immediately and will normally be noticeable about 2 months after the end of the therapy. 2 months… I was kind of downcast when I heard that as I know that I will have to live with the pain for that much longer. I hope the chemotherapy can be restarted soon and even then, the therapeutic effect even if it is just palliative will also not be noticeable immediately.

What can I ask you to pray for? For now, at least:

a)      For the easing of the pain.

b)      For the tumor not to grow further.

c)      For the radiotherapy to work.

d)     For the chemotherapy to resume soon.

e)      For the sovereignty of God to be present in my life and for healing

Most importantly, pray for Josie as she is really the one that is bearing most of the burden at home, at work, for me and for Nathan. I can probably say that she is the stronger one at this point as I had not heard any complain from her. This is the emotional pain that I am feeling for her and from her I know that she is toiling through her own emotional pain too.

Having said all these, am I losing my faith in God? No… definitely not and I feel that God must have a purpose for putting me through all these. In one of my earlier blog, I had quoted from a book by Bernard of Clairvaux and I append it here again for your reference.

“‘A healthy man has no idea what an ill person is suffering, neither does a well-fed person know what a hungry person goes through.’ A sick person can feel for the sick, and a hungry person can understand the plight of the hungry, especially when those who suffer are in similar circumstances. Just as pure truth is only properly understood by the pure in heart, so a brother’s sadness is best understood by the sad in heart.”

Not only the pain but God is a constant as well in my life. I trust and believe that this phase of the journey is also something that God is allowing me to go through if I am truly to understand the pain of those that are suffering from illnesses and pains. I am not saying that it is a process for me to learn how to empathise but rather it is a process of gaining an understanding of what “sufferers” are going through and thus form the basis of where I hope I can help through my blog.

I am suffering but I maintained that there is no misery. How can there be misery when at every turn, I see the support from Josie who out of love for me is making the sacrifices that she is making. I know that there are those around me who are supporting me in whatever ways that they can and in the mails and messages that they sent. Furthermore, God had carried me so far and I know that He will carry me further.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #09

Nothing interesting to report today as it was just a regular session.

On my condition, I afraid the pain is not getting better in fact, it is getting more noticeable. It is not more painful but more noticeable and I have to increase the number of time I take morphine to twice every night. I guess it is not really good news but at least now with the enzymes supplement, the bowel motion is more regular and consistency of the stool is no longer greasy.

I ask that you pray that the tumor does not increase in size and that the pain will go away. It is really uncomfortable especially when I try to sleep.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #08

Today’s radiotherapy session was slightly different as the Radio-Oncologist requested for an “Alignment Scan”. In other word, there was a preliminary scan done to check on the planning’s alignment just to make sure that it is still correct and accurate. Other than that, it was just another regular scan but took 5 minutes longer. I was fortunate again as the patient before me was late again and I went into the “bunker” (yes, that is what they call the room that housed the linear accelerator as it has very thick walls to shield again radiation) at 8:25am and I was out by 8:50am.

The medication that I am taking for the greasy stool seems to be really working as I only passed motion twice only today and the stool is no longer greasy. Felt as if I had a little more energy today and I guess it could be a sign that the enzymes supplement is working. Praise God for it. Hopefully I can report next week on my weight gain.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #07

Once a week, as part of the radiotherapy regime, I will be assessed by the radio-oncologist to check on my progress and managed any side effects. So far, I had undergone 5 sessions of radiotherapy. The patient before me was late and so I was able to have my session earlier followed by the assessment by the doctor. You can say that today was another regular session.

Physically, today was kind of a down day and I was really very lethargic and slept a lot. Practically slept for the entire afternoon after lunch and took another half an hour nap before dinner and after returning from church from communion arranged by Vicar. The pain is getting to be irritating but I am coping with it and it is also one of the reasons why I don’t feel like moving too much.

The medication that I am taking for the greasy stool seems to be working. I am passing motion less and the stool is no longer greasy. I am still monitoring the situation and if it does really work, I hope to be able built up sufficient energy to start gaining weight and be less listless.

God is watching us. Despite some reluctance, Nathan is slowing but surely adapting to childcare. He is somewhat cheeky and finds ways and means in order not to go to “school” like lying on the bed and refused to be changed and he still cries whenever my mom brings him to the childcare. However, once there at the childcare, he will cry a little and settle down in a few minutes and start participating in the activities in the childcare. Nathan also knows that Josie wakes up early so that she can leave the house without “disturbing” Nathan but nowadays, Nathan wakes up just as early in order to stick to his mother and refuse to let her leave for work or recently, to follow me to the hospital for my radiotherapy. Josie is coping too having to double up on watching after Nathan especially since we do not have a helper now but I know it is still tough for her having to hold down her job as well.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #06

Today’s radiotherapy session was a regular one and unlike yesterday’s there was no luck in having arrived early. The patient before me was on time and I had to wait my turn. Anyway, I was in and out of the Radiotherapy Centre in 45 minutes. Arrived at 8:20am and left at 9:05am.

Today was a busy day. Had to go to Roche’s office at Tiong Bahru to exchange my gluco-meter because it was faulty and fortunately it was under warranty. They made a replacement and the new meter has a 5 year warranty on it. Don’t think that it is a good thing, Roche make most of their money from the consumables, essentially the Accu-stik (the test strip). Giving 5-years warranty ensures a captive market for their consumables.

Came home and rested a little and went to for my appointment with my surgeon at TTSH at 12:20pm. Hung around after that to arrange for an appointment with the Gastroenterologist that is in June (yup! real long time away), re-confirm my appointment for my by General Medicine Consultant who is taking care of my hypertension and hyper-cholesterol that is sort of in remission and for my diabetes. Tried to arrange for an early appointment with my Oncologist but was not able to do so but the assistant will check with him and see if I can get an earlier appointment. In any case, I will be calling the Chemotherapy Clinic at the end of next week as per my Oncologist suggestion to arrange for a blood and see if I can go in early for chemotherapy assuming that my liver had recovered sufficiently.

When I saw my surgeon, not much that he can do as I am still undergoing chemo and radio-therapy. So the appointment today was just a regular follow-up but because my surgeon specialises in Hepato-pancreaticobiliary Surgery, I asked him about my frequent motions and the oily faeces and the expression on his face plus the comments that he made tells me he knows what’s going on. Essentially, my pancreas is not releasing sufficient digestive enzymes that help to digest the fats in my food and because of the “grease” in my food, it “lubricates” the food and it gets passed through the intestine faster. It also explained why I am not gaining weight as the food was not sufficiently digested and the nutrient absorbed. I was prescribed “Creon” which is a digestive enzymes replacement. I will know how well the medication works in 1 to 2 days’ time.

Sort of a fruitful day and at least I know the reason for my frequent motion. If I did not have this appointment today, I would be continuing to suffer from the frequent motions for a few more weeks before my appointment with my Oncologist. God is good.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #05

Today’s radiotherapy session went smoothly and was what a “regular” session is supposed to be. I arrived at the Radiotherapy Centre at about 8:10am although my appointment was supposed to be at 8:45am.  As I was early and the next patient had not arrived, I was ushered into the therapy room and the session started at about 8:20am. The entire session was over by 8:40am.

Just a quick description of the procedure, the machine used for the radiotherapy is known as a Linear Accelerator. You can learn more about the machine at http://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info.cfm?pg=linac. There was a mold made when I went for my very first measurement, CT simulation and planning. This mold will be used throughout my entire radiotherapy and is used to fix the axis and location of the tumor so that the radiation beam can target the tumor accurately. There are three “dot” tattoos on my chest area that is also used to fix the position of the body and thus allowed for accurate targeting of the tumor. Once the positioning is done, the machine is put through a cycle where the tumor is irradiated from various axis where maximum radiation is focused onto the tumor.

It will be like this for the next couple weeks until end of May.

I am feeling slightly better today although the pain is still there.  I will be seeing my surgeon for a regular follow-up tomorrow and at the same time I will try to arrange for an appointment to see the gastroenterologist so that I can ask about the frequent defaecation and the oily consistency of the faeces. I will also try to push for an earlier appointment with my Oncologist due to the pain that I am experiencing.

I guess the recovery from the duodenum and bile duct stenting is taking longer that I expect. I am not gaining weight and in fact lost a little more weight in the last one week, about 300 to 400 grams.

Pray that I will recover quickly and start gaining weight so that my chemotherapy could also resume and that the pain could be managed

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

The Valley in the Journey

I was thinking about what to write for my next blog entry and my mind did come out blank except to report about my radiotherapy but since the next session is tomorrow and there been none for the last 2 days, not sure what I should report on. I had thought about revisiting the topic of “Faith” and I did prepare half a draft for it but something happened this afternoon that you can say triggered a topic for me to write about.

Ever since I got home from been discharged from TTSH the week before, I had been experiencing pain in my abdominal area. Today, I was pressing down on my abdomen area and I can feel a lump and pressing further I can feel the pain.  I am thinking that this is perhaps the tumor and that the pain that I am experiencing is directly from the tumor or to put it more accurately, after every meals, I felt the pain because the stomach that has food in it is pressing again the tumor and thus I am experiencing the pain. You will have to take into consideration that I got the Fentanyl pain killer patch on my chest and it is supposed to relief me of some of the pain and for me to still be able to feel the pain including topping up the pain killer with morphine, I can’t imagine what the pain would be like without the patch and the morphine.

This afternoon was one of those emotional days as Josie asked me if I know whether God will heal me and I told her that I was just thinking about it yesterday and today. I guess having been joined by God, our spirits are in tune and we thought of the same thing. I told her that I honestly do not know and that I was given the impression that I will only know mid-way through the radiotherapy. I guess it is also the fact that the progress, effectiveness and interim prognosis for the radiotherapy will be known in 2 weeks’ time. Honestly, I also felt that my calling at this point is to serve as a beacon for those who is undergoing the same “traumatic” circumstances and that I am here to encourage and bring their faith in God to the next level. For this, I felt that my “early” death would serve a greater purpose than if the Lord had granted me the 21 years that I had asked for. It is perhaps as what Vicar had shared from Daniel 3:17-18 that says “¹⁷ If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” (NASB)

It is verse 18 that I would like to draw your attention to because in my faith, I declare that even if God does not heal, I will still worship Him and declare His sovereignty over my life. Although Josie did not say it as such but I know she stood on the same premise as me as we declare His sovereignty and will over our life. I said “our” because it is just not about me but it is about Josie and Nathan as well. We had learnt to leave it all in God’s hands regardless of the outcome. A littler morbid but she asked me where I would like my funeral to be and I told her Mount Vernon because it is nearer to home.

In saying all these, please try to understand that we are not losing our faith in God but rather, we had yielded completely to him in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer and this is why this blog entry is entitled “The Valley in the Journey” because Psalm 23:4 says “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”(NASB). We have God who is comforting us.

Don’t try to empathise with me or Josie because unless you are in the same exact situation that we are in, you will not know exactly our pain and heartache nor where we stand in our faith and belief in God. However, by just standing with us, trying to understand us and supporting us through prayers, words, works and friendships, you would already have our thanks and gratitude.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #04

Today I had my second radiotherapy session. Really uneventful as I just have to wait my turn and have my pancreatic tumor zapped. The only so called “event” today was that machine that I was supposed to have radiotherapy on had a breakdown and I had to wait for about one and a half hour to be slotted in for the therapy on another machine. The actual zapping took only about 15 minutes. I napped a little while the procedure was going on.

Although I have been eating, my weight had not increase very much and is about the same as when I was discharged from TTSH last week. A little worried. I am still waiting for my appointment with my Gastroenterologist so that I can ask a couple of questions. In the last one week, I have been defaecating a lot and seem like whatever I ate comes out the other end. I think the liver and gall bladder (bile juice) is not functioning as per normal yet because one of the digestive functions of the bile juice is aiding in the digestion of fats. However, with the faeces, there seem to be a lot of “grease/oil”.

My blood sugar and insulin injection is very well controlled.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #03

It finally started. I had my first radiotherapy session today. For the first session it took a little longer (about 45minutes) as a preliminary scan need to be done in order to cross check the positioning with the planning done. In my case, a second scan was done as a slight adjustment to my body position was needed after the first scan. The actual therapy itself is very short, about 10 to 15 minutes. I will be going for my second sessions tomorrow morning at 8:45am and all remaining sessions are also at 8:45am until 31^st of May excluding Saturdays, Sundays and Public Holidays.

There was no “feeling” per-se and it was like having an x-ray taken. However, my arm ache a little as I had to maintain the position for more than half an hour.

Please continue to pray for effective radiotherapy and that the tumor will shrink. Pray too that both the short and long term side-effects for the radiotherapy will be non-existence or at least be minimal and tolerable. Pray that my liver will continue to recover and that I can go for my chemotherapy is 2 to 3 weeks’ time.

I am still generally weak but getting better and can move around more. Somehow, my body seems to want to shut down at night as in I feel “weak” and don’t have the desire to move about or move about only slowly. There is still a little bit of pain despite the pain killer patch and it was quite bad today after lunch. Trying to be strong and mentally “forcing” myself to move and tolerate the pain.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #02

Let’s start with last night. I was in a little bit of pain and normally I will try to tolerate it as much as I can but I found it hard as it really disturbed my sleep. You will have to take into account that I also have pain killer patch stuck on my chest that releases a potent pain killer slowly into my body. You can read about it at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fentanyl. Anyway, before I slept, I took additionally some morphine syrup to suppress what it termed “breakthrough pain” and it worked and I slept reasonably well last night. The pain during the day wasn’t as bad and it seem my “pain” condition is improving but based on the last one week’s experiences, it seem the pain is nocturnal and even as I type this blog entry, the pain is coming back.

I went to NUH in the late morning to have the CT-simulation/planning done for my radiotherapy. It was not a complicated process and it was all over in about 20 minutes and I spent the rest for the afternoon with Josie as we hardly had time together anymore. If there is no complication in terms of the planning, I will have my first radiotherapy session on Thursday at 5:15pm.

I guess you can pray that there is no complication and that the radiotherapy can proceed on Thursday. Pray too that the radiotherapy is effective in killing and shrinking the tumor.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Pre-Therapy Communion

This is a belated entry as the communion was served prior to my admission to TTSH. The passaged used was from:

Daniel 3:17-18

¹⁷ If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are

The following is a summary of the message by Vicar from Daniel 3:17-18.

 

When we read this passage in this modern age and when we come to Verse 18, making such a confession can make I lot of people very unhappy or uncomfortable because we are supposed to believe and make positive confession. We are not supposed to make statement like “…even if He does not…” as it supposedly showed a lack of faith or it is an attempt to give ourselves a backdoor should God choose not to act or that we actually do not believe that God can deliver. However, if we read this entire passage and look at the past life of the 3 friends, Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, that was not what they meant and they were not speaking out of a lack of faith and they are definitely not giving themselves a backdoor or excuses just in case God “does not work”. For the declaration in Verse 18, in its most fundamental sense, it actually requires and expresses a greater level of faith than that declared in Verse 17. In Verse 17, the 3 friends professes their faith, that He is able to “…deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand…” but Verse 18 raises and requires a lot more faith because the 3 friends declared that “…But even if He does not…”, they will still believe in God. It can be tough because if God works, then all is well and rosy but if He does not, the 3 friends are declaring that they will still believe in God, thus declaring their faith, declaring that they believe that God can still do miracles despite the absence of it in the specific instance. It is their declaration of God’s rights, of God’s sovereignty that He can choose to do what He wishes. In this respect and in the literal sense, it takes greater courage and faith to make such a declaration.

As we read in the remaining part of the passage, God created a miracle that day and because He had worked a miracle, that is why we can believe in God but we must take Verse 18 into perspective. It takes faith to declare that even if God chooses not to deliver them, they still will believe, it takes courage and it is not easy. When you look at the background of the 3 friends, the faith that they have is not something that came by overnight, it is something that they grew into gradually from the time that they were taken into exile, a traumatic event and so even as they continued to walk faithfully with God, the Lord continued to walk with them.

As we walk with God, the first thing that we need to do is as per verse 17 and then we need to grow in the Lord to the point that we can live out Verse 18 and say that I believe in Him not just for the sakes the miracles but regardless of what God chooses in my life, I believe and trust in Him and God will take care of the rest.

In the past months, there are ups and downs in my life, in this journey that I am taking. During the downs, our faith needs to be consistent, more like the 3 friends, Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego and says that God can and is able. However, even if He does not, we continue to press on to believe in Him, to have faith in Him as the sum of our experiences teaches us that God is always with us. We don’t often realise this because we are often distracted by the world, by circumstances around us that divert our focus away from Him. We need to focus on him, we need to be humble before him and realise that the path to a closer walk with God lies in suppressing our pride and surrendering to Him and walk in the path of humility.

There are 2 specific beatitudes that reinforce this path:

·         Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

·         Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Give Them All To Jesus

I was just sorting the music in my collection and I came across this very old song

It was originally sung by the artist Evie that I doubt those who were born after the 80s would know about.  Have a listen at the following link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwGRDLY_A24

I guess at this point in my life and considering the rat race that we all go through, the lyrics is so meaningful.

GIVE THEM ALL TO JESUS

Words and Music by Bob Benson, Sr. and Phil Johnson

© 1975 BMG Songs, Inc. (Admin. by Universal Music Publishing MGB Australia Pty Limited)

Verse 1

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?

Are you tired of spinning round and round?

Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life,

And at the feet of Jesus lay them down.

Chorus

Give them all, give them all,

Give them all to Jesus;

Shattered dreams,

Wounded hearts and broken toys.

Give them all, give them all,

Give them all to Jesus;

And He will turn your sorrow into joy!

Verse 2

He never said you'd only see sunshine.

He never said there'd be no rain.

He only promised a heart full of singing.

About the very things that once brought pain.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #01

I was at NUH today for my 1^st session of radiotherapy.

As the radiotherapy simulation/planning was done about 4 weeks ago before I got warded for the duodenum and bile duct obstruction, the Radiotherapy Centre’s folks did a dry run just to determine if the therapy could proceed. Sadly, as I had lost too much weight in the interim (7kg) which is more that 10% differential and I got 2 stents near the region of interest for the therapy, therefore, the previous planning is no longer accurate. I will have to go back to NUH tomorrow at 11:30am for another round of CT simulation/planning to be done and for the radiotherapy to be restarted on Thursday, 18^th April. I had expected as much that re-simulation and re-planning had to be done but I went today to NUH in the hope that the therapy could proceed anyway.

My Radio-Oncologist and the staff at the Radiotherapy were quite appreciative of the situation that I am in and that my therapy should not be delayed further. As such, the re-simulation slot tomorrow was a forced-in as well as the actual therapy on Thursday.  My Radio-Oncology would able be working “overdrive” to get the planning done in time for the therapy done on Thursday. I will provide further updates after the session tomorrow.

The pain is not too bad with the pain medication but I ask that you continue to pray for speedy recovery for the stomach as it is churning a lot and causing a lot of discomfort.

As a note of thanks to God, the situation described in the paragraphs above can be said to be extra-ordinary and out of the norm. While warded in TTSH and precisely because I was in TTSH, my Radio-oncologist’s team sent a doctor from NUH to TTSH to assess my condition before my discharge. While warded in TTSH, the bile duct stenting was done by the most experienced Radiologist that they have for the procedure. My duodenum stenting was done by the Director of the Endoscopy Center. The In-house Gastroenterology doctor who is taking care of me had experience in palliative and pain management and managed my pain pretty well when I was there and prescribed pain medication for my home use that is very handy now. God is good and despite me been a subsidised patient, I got great care.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Post Hospitalisation Update

It has been 2 days since I was discharged from TTSH. I had started on solid food since yesterday and I am doing well. Not so well is the constant pain in the abdominal area. Not sure if the pain is due to the Pancreatic Tumor or if it is due to the stomach getting used to the solid food or if I am eating too much. In any case, I am still generally week and do not really have much energy for general activities. It was kind of a letdown as I thought I would be able to cope and recover quickly.

 

Tomorrow, I will be going for my 1^st radiotherapy session. Because of the stents that is inside me, the radio-oncologist wants to do another scan (CT Simulation) and “re-plan” for the therapy. Also, from tomorrow onward, you will get regular updates on the radiotherapy treatment.

I ask that you continue to pray for me, that:

a)      The pain would go away.

b)      The radiotherapy session would be successful and that the tumor will shrink

c)      That my liver will recover quickly and I can start on my chemotherapy too.

d)     Most of all, pray for miracles, pray that my faith will remain strong.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 24 (Discharged)

My bacteria culture test came up negative for any bacterial infection and this of course is good news. The chill and fever is probably resulted from the residual "bacteria" from the bile juice that is draining into the small intestine. As such, there was no reason to keep me in the hospital anymore considering that the hole from the catheter for draining the bile had also closed up, is clean and no infection at the site either.

I am a little lethargic from staying in the hospital and lying on the bed for so long and I had lost quite a fair bit of weight too and my pants are really loose.

The discharged procedure went very smoothly and I was literally able to go home by about 10:30am. Waited for Josie and got home by around 11:30am.

Really thank God for His care and compassion. During my stay in TTSH, I was reading another classic book “The Twelve Steps of Humility and Pride / On Loving God” by Bernard of Clairvaux” that spoke not just about humility and pride but also about compassion and love. It will be a topic for another blog entry. Why I mention this book is that the 24 days that I was in TTSH, I saw a lot of things and learnt a lot of things as well. One of the most obvious is about pain and I quote from the book what had become so obvious to me.

“‘A healthy man has no idea what an ill person is suffering, neither does a well-fed person know what a hungry person goes through.’ A sick person can feel for the sick, and a hungry person can understand the plight of the hungry, especially when those who suffer are in similar circumstances. Just as pure truth is only properly understood by the pure in heart, so a brother’s sadness is best understood by the sad in heart.”

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” Matthew 5:8 (NASB)

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 23

There is really nothing much to report today as I am just waiting for the blood culture result to be out. Hopefully it is clear of bacterial infection or at least a minor infection and I can be discharged with oral antibiotics. There was no further chills last night and today. So relieved but I am still taking panadol as a precaution.

Pray that all is well and that I can go home tomorrow.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 22

Suffered another bout of chill last night at 10:00pm with the shivering and trembling subsiding at about 10:45pm. Thereafter, temperature was back to normal with panadol but I was perspiring profusely and the pillow and bed were drenched. When the Consultant came around this morning and when I told him about the chill, he said that definitely have to stay as indicative of some form of infection. The blood culture result should be out by this Friday which means that I will probably stay in the hospital till then. Hopefully when the result is out on Friday, it is nothing serious requiring only oral antibiotic and I can be on the way home.

The oozing from the catheter opening had stopped and that means that the bile is draining into the intestine (hopefully) and the liver will have the chance to recover and I can start on my Chemotherapy soon. My Oncologist asked me to call the clinic in 2 to 3 time to arrange for a blood test to ascertain my suitability to proceed with chemotherapy. My radiotherapy is definitely postponed till next week pending my 'recovery' from fever/infection.

My Pastor and another church staff came today and I was served communion. So appreciative of the gesture and allowing me that commune with God.

Everything is moving forward well and on the home front, Nathan is starting to get use to his Childcare Centre and crying less. He was also accepted into Nursery for next year.

Thank and praise God.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 21

Sigh... Looks like I have to stay in the hospital for a few more days.

I started developing a fever on Sunday evening but it was an intermittent fever and transient and the fever was gone in about an hour but I stayed in the hospital on Monday more because of the bile drainage.

On Tuesday early morning at about 3:00am, I developed a chill that lasted for about an hour. The fever wasn't high at about 37.4ºC but I was shivering and having tremor liked I had high fever and because of this, I was advised and opted to stay one more day for observation and just as well because at about 4:00pm this afternoon, I really developed a fever at 38.4ºC. Took Panadol for the fever and blood was taken for bacteria culture test and an IV line was set for antibiotic infusion. Broad spectrum antibiotic was administered for now as a prophylactic until the culture result is out and if there is an infection and if the bacteria are sensitive to specific antibiotic(s) then that antibiotic will be used instead of the broad spectrum one. The culture result will take at least 2 to 3 days which is also the minimal number of additional days that I’ll have to stay in the hospital.

Pray that there is no infection and that the fever is due to the bile drainage into my abdominal cavity. Also pray that the catheter/tube opening left behind after the catheter was removed will close up and that bile will stop oozing.

I still I have to admit that God is good to me and that the complications are minor not requiring any major interventions.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 20

Another day passes. I'm in a six-bedded cubicle and saw 4 of the beds got discharged today. Anyway, the Consultant came around today, took one look at the bag on my side and just said "Hey, have to suture". Asked me if I wanted to stay for one more day and I said yes because I got no idea how the suture will hold up. Had the suturing done at about 11:00am and just as well that I stay because despite the suturing, it still oozes and had to have the dressing changed twice. You might be wondering why not use the bag again but the doctor says to allow the opening to close up with pressure bandage. Now I'm not sure if I am discharged tomorrow, how will I cope with the dressing if I have to go to the Polyclinic to have the dressing changed more than once a day.

Pray that the wound will close up and dry up.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 19

It was sort of a good day today as nothing serious happened. The hole on my side is still oozing the bile juice and in quite a substantial amount. I was joking that if I was a bear I will be a rich man selling the bile juice for TCM purpose.

The junior doctor wanted to discharge me today but I declined as the Polyclinics and GPs would be closed today and no one can do the dressing for me. Instead of keep changing the dressings once it is soaked, one of the nurse patch me up with a bag to drain the bile juice. Quite a lot still oozes out. I will let the doctor review tomorrow and show them that I am in no condition to be discharged primarily because of the oozing. With the bag, it is more convenient but I got no idea how long before the hole will close up.

Started having mild fever too and I do not know what's causing it. Let's see how things are tomorrow.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 18c

My last report for this day.

There is seepage from the hole left behind where the catheter/tube was inserted into the bile duct to remove the bile juice. I had to have the dressing changed twice as a lot of the bile juice was oozing out and it is kind of yucky. Just pray that the hole/opening will dry and close up soon and the oozing stop or else I have to stay in the hospital for a few more days.

The pain is largely gone and except for the bandage, I pretty much have full movement. I am off the morphine pain killer but I still have a pain killer patch on my chest to take care of any residual pain.

Praise God for His hand of Grace and Mercy.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 18b

Just completed the bile duct stent review and everything is in order so the drainage tube was removed. The whole procedure took about 10 to 15 minutes excluding the preparation time. There was so much relieved after the tube was removed and on hindsight, the pain for the last few days was probably due to the tube rather than the stents or the contrast media as the pain is so much more reduced now and I can breadth and move normally with only very minor discomfort.

HALLEJUJAH!!

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 18a

This entry is basically for the purpose of thanksgiving and in particular for the specific cubicle and bed that I'm occupying.

I was observing the surrounding and the various cubicles within the ward and realised that the cubicle I'm in do got get any morning or evening sun. In other word, where I am does not get very warm. My cubicle is also the 1^st in the ward and near the doorway is a passage that connects to another ward. What this means is that there is lateral wind circulating from one ward to another and where I am is generally cooler.

I was walking along the corridor of ward and near the middle, it was really stuffy.

Praise God.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 17

It was an early day today and just as well. My stenting was supposed to be done at 11:00am but because there was an early slot, they moved my procedure to 9:00am.

Surprisingly the procedure was over in about half an hour. But boy of boy the pain after the procedure was quite agonising.  It was not excruciating but agonising none the less. The contrast media used to review the stenting gave a burning sensation plus the pain from the stent... if the procedure was done at 11:00am, I might not have the chance to be reviewed at the ward by the doctors frequently and have the pain addressed expediently. I can see God's hand at work. I was on low dose of morphine every 4 hourly but because of this stenting, the dose was increased to 2 hourly plus I am given a pain killer patch that releases pain killer slowly through the skin. I could not eat much because of the pain but I'm slowly coping. The abdominal pain is very discomforting.

However, I thank God that the procedure was a success and tomorrow there will be a review of the stent and removal of the drainage tube. If my recovery proceeds well enough, there should be no reason why I can't go home on Monday but I think Tuesday might be better just in case.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 16

Things are looking up. The pain is still there but I am learning to cope with it with certain posture and stretching and aid of pain killer. The occasional sharp pain still appears when I try to laugh or burb or sit in a certain hunched position for too long.

2^nd day of solid food and they stayed down which is a good news. I was thus taken off the TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) where the nutrient is directly infused into the blood stream. I still can't take real solid food as yet and I am on soft and moist diet (i.e. porridge). The duodenum stenting was definitely a success.

I will be having the bile duct stenting done tomorrow at 11:00am with the concurrent removal of the bile drainage tube. Pray for successful procedure, reduced pain and speedy recovery.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 15

Another day passes and I'm surviving the pain that at times can be quite excruciating. I had my first soft meal in the last 2 weeks. In other word the duodenum stent is working. I will be going for the bile duct stenting on Friday.

I ask that you pray that the pain will go away and for speedy recovery. I ask also that you pray that the stenting on Friday will be successful and with minimal pain.

Can wait for full recovery and start chowing down some of my favorite food.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 14

Felt slightly better today although the pulling and pain from the duodenum stent is still giving me some cause for concern.  I'm adjusting and coping and hopefully tonight I'll be able to sleep well. This will go on for the next 3 to 4 days according to the Gastroenterology Consultant that did my stenting who happens to be the Director of the Endoscopy Centre.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 13 and 14

For Day 13, it is a post-dated entry as I was too sedated to be able to put in any entry.

My duodenum stenting went ahead and I was wheeled into the Endoscopy Procedure Room at about 5:00 pm. I was experiencing some pain from my bile duct drainage and this complicated the procedure a little due to the position I have to adopt.

This morning (Day 14) when the Senior Consultant came around he explained that there was some other complication with my stenting because of where the occlusion was and a different scope had to be used and even then, the initial position of the stent wasn't ideal and it had to be reposition. Overall it was a success. The stent will progressively open up and this may take another 3 to 4 days before the stent is fully deployed. As the drained bile juice is getting clearer, the Senior Consultant will check with Radiologist to find out when I can have the stent for the bile duct inserted.

I woke up once in the morning due to an excruciating pain running around my stomach region. I had never experienced such pain before and I was practically begging for pain killers. Wasn't given any as the doctor had not prescribed any and I had to tolerate the pain for about an hour it subsided to a more tolerable level. I am still experiencing some pain now but not as bad. However, it can be quite debilitating when it suddenly hit.

I can start going for liquid diet and so far in the morning I had 3 glasses of water over a 3 hour period and I am still feeling fine. Hope it continues to be so.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1