The Valley in the Journey

I was thinking about what to write for my next blog entry and my mind did come out blank except to report about my radiotherapy but since the next session is tomorrow and there been none for the last 2 days, not sure what I should report on. I had thought about revisiting the topic of “Faith” and I did prepare half a draft for it but something happened this afternoon that you can say triggered a topic for me to write about.

Ever since I got home from been discharged from TTSH the week before, I had been experiencing pain in my abdominal area. Today, I was pressing down on my abdomen area and I can feel a lump and pressing further I can feel the pain.  I am thinking that this is perhaps the tumor and that the pain that I am experiencing is directly from the tumor or to put it more accurately, after every meals, I felt the pain because the stomach that has food in it is pressing again the tumor and thus I am experiencing the pain. You will have to take into consideration that I got the Fentanyl pain killer patch on my chest and it is supposed to relief me of some of the pain and for me to still be able to feel the pain including topping up the pain killer with morphine, I can’t imagine what the pain would be like without the patch and the morphine.

This afternoon was one of those emotional days as Josie asked me if I know whether God will heal me and I told her that I was just thinking about it yesterday and today. I guess having been joined by God, our spirits are in tune and we thought of the same thing. I told her that I honestly do not know and that I was given the impression that I will only know mid-way through the radiotherapy. I guess it is also the fact that the progress, effectiveness and interim prognosis for the radiotherapy will be known in 2 weeks’ time. Honestly, I also felt that my calling at this point is to serve as a beacon for those who is undergoing the same “traumatic” circumstances and that I am here to encourage and bring their faith in God to the next level. For this, I felt that my “early” death would serve a greater purpose than if the Lord had granted me the 21 years that I had asked for. It is perhaps as what Vicar had shared from Daniel 3:17-18 that says “¹⁷ If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” (NASB)

It is verse 18 that I would like to draw your attention to because in my faith, I declare that even if God does not heal, I will still worship Him and declare His sovereignty over my life. Although Josie did not say it as such but I know she stood on the same premise as me as we declare His sovereignty and will over our life. I said “our” because it is just not about me but it is about Josie and Nathan as well. We had learnt to leave it all in God’s hands regardless of the outcome. A littler morbid but she asked me where I would like my funeral to be and I told her Mount Vernon because it is nearer to home.

In saying all these, please try to understand that we are not losing our faith in God but rather, we had yielded completely to him in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer and this is why this blog entry is entitled “The Valley in the Journey” because Psalm 23:4 says “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”(NASB). We have God who is comforting us.

Don’t try to empathise with me or Josie because unless you are in the same exact situation that we are in, you will not know exactly our pain and heartache nor where we stand in our faith and belief in God. However, by just standing with us, trying to understand us and supporting us through prayers, words, works and friendships, you would already have our thanks and gratitude.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1