Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02b

I went to TTSH today for my blood test. The results came out alright and my platelet count was 145 and thus high enough for the chemotherapy to proceed tomorrow morning.

Yesterday, I wrote something about things happening that are just too good to be true, well… the pain was back. Not with a vengeance but sufficiently bad enough that I woke about 3 times this morning just to take in morphine to ease the pain. It was somewhat the same on the way to TTSH this morning for the blood test and currently the pain is still there but bearable but not sufficiently bearable that I could have a “wonderful” afternoon nap.

I ask that you continue to pray that:

a)      The pain and discomfort will stay away.

b)      For the chemo, that there will be no side effects nor add to the current pain.

c)      Nathan will behave so that Josie will have lesser things to hassle over.

d)     God will sustain Josie.

Kind of apprehensive as I am still fearful mentally and I am not really looking forward to the therapy but not having it is not an option either. The battle continues to be psychological and definitely far more difficult to adjust.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

What’s Next? Part II

Sometimes, things that happened are just too good to be true but in no way am I implying that God renegade on His promises. I thought I was on the mend as far as the pain and discomfort is concerned but 2 days ago, 22nd July, the pain came back with a vengeance and it was simply gnawing at me. The morphine did not help and I had doubled the amount of morphine that I was supposed to take. The antacid, other medications and various sitting and laying down postures did not help either. It was quite excruciating. I was on the verge of admitting myself to TTSH just because of the pain. Josie and I, we prayed and I prayed as well and I am not blaming God against anything but this time the pain simply did not go away or subside sufficiently for me to be marginally comfortable. Needless to say was that I hardly slept at all that day and it was not until about 5:00 am on 23rd July that the pain subsided sufficiently enough for me to have a half decent sleep.

Tuesday continued to be quite bad but I guess I had dosed myself sufficiently with morphine that I was able to manage some routine activities. Praise God that today was fantastic compared Monday but I do not wish to be overly optimistic at this point but to continue to monitor my condition especially since I am supposed to have my chemotherapy on Friday. From the lack of rest, I am not sure if the body had produced sufficient platelets for the chemo to proceed.

I ask that you pray that:
a) The pain and discomfort will stay away.
b) The body would product sufficient platelets so that chemo can proceed on Friday.
c) For the chemo, that there will be no side effects.
d) Nathan will behave so that Josie will have less things to hassle over.
e) God will sustain Josie.

God is good and I believe this is one instance where He really showed that He will not allow us/me to bear beyond what we could bear. I firmly believe that if the pain had not subsided on Tuesday, I would probably had collapse from the pain or at least admit myself into the hospital.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Happy Birthday Mr. Yue

Last Tuesday, 16 July was my 46^th Birthday. It was the 2^nd birthday since the discovery of my cancer. What a way to be celebrating my birthday! I had received a lot of messages from friends wishing me well with added notes of encouragement and support.

I had wanted to write something on that day or at least the next day but my constitution basically prevented me from having the desire to want to write. What you may not know is that whenever I sit down to work on my computer, especially in the last month or so when I had this problem with my stomach and the pain, sitting at the desk compresses and thus put additional pressure on the stomach and this increases the pain. I have to either lean back or sit ram-rod straight so that there is no additional pressure on the stomach but those positions are not really very comfortable over a long period of time.

As I had mentioned in my earlier post, the pain is easing with medication and knowing when to administer both the pain killer, the drug that decreases stomach acid production, antacid and food intake to reduce refluxes. During one of the prayer, I had received a prompter from God that I need to talk to Josie, to confess to her about a hidden sin of mine that I had kept from her. Strangely or should I say miraculously enough, when the prompter came and I who is no longer in a position to bargain with God in any case agreed to tell Josie, the pain started to ease off. It did not disappear but it eases quite a bit. Spoke to her yesterday and by God’s grace and mercy, things turned out better than I had expected and I thank God for his hands at work in this matter. No… It is not something that I will be writing about as it is a matter for me, Josie and God. If I can at least boast, I can boast that I have nothing else to hide from God and Josie. Kind of oxymoronic as we cannot really hide anything from God but my earlier statement is metaphorical anyway as far as God is concerned. I did not get to go scot-free though as according to Josie, I have to live longer than her in order to pay her back…

God is kind, God is gracious and God is full of whatever we would termed as “good” and He had given me Josie and whatever that may had transpired, Josie said that we are still in this journey together and God will carry us through.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02a

I went to TTSH this week on Thursday to have my blood taken for tests in order to find out if I could proceed with round 2 of my Post-Radiotherapy Chemotherapy Cycle #01. Sadly, my platelet count dropped to 94 and I was asked to return to TTSH on Friday for a 2^nd test to see if the platelet count is on the upswing or downswing. The platelet count on Friday was 73, worse than Thursday and so I had to skip this week’s chemotherapy.

I guess it is just as well because mentally I was not really looking forward to the therapy and I told Josie just as much that I fear not been able to have chemo because it gives more chance for the cancer cells to grow and multiply but I fear having the chemo because I do not know how much it would add to existing pain and discomfort. The battle thus had entered into the psychological aspect and this form of battle is far more difficult to fight.

Things are getting slightly better though. The pain is easing with medication and knowing when to administer both the pain killer, the drug that decreases stomach acid production, antacid and food intake to reduce refluxes. At one stage, things were kind of bad that I had to ask Josie to pray for me immediately and over a few times a day especially at night when the pain is more pronounce and this became a regular thing that we did over the last one week with her praying for the easing of the pain whenever it became kind of unbearable.

I guess God knows because in the last few days, a few things had happened that makes things easier psychologically and spiritually and this allowed me at least the effort of looking forward to the next chemotherapy.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #01

Last Friday was the first treatment for the first cycle of my first chemotherapy after my radiation-therapy. Went to the clinic not knowing what to expect but at least I know for the new regime, I do not have to carry a pump home and all the infusions are was done at the clinic.

Last week, I was progressively getting better from the Gastritis and started to feel and eat better although there were the occasional ups and downs. As I was sort of still recovering from the radiation induced gastritis, I was a bit apprehensive as to whether the chemotherapy would affect or make the gastritis worse. Therefore I was a little surprised that things turned out well enough on Friday and I was able to have a proper lunch and I was feeling well enough also in the evening. The next day though was another story. I was alright in the morning and went to Macdonald in the morning for Nathan’s weekly treat. A neighbor who is also a fellow church member was also at Macdonald and we had breakfast together and we chatted. That was around 10:00am in the morning. At around 11:00am, the side-effect (I assumed that it was the chemotherapy side effect) hit me like a ton of bricks and it was like a combination of all the things that I was suffering from in the last 3 weeks all coming together in that one moment. There was the pain, the bloated-ness, the feeling of wanting to vomit, the occasional sharp pain in the lower and upper abdomen, occasional sharp pain on the lower right chest where the liver is, the churning and spasm like those of gastritis. All in all, it was just bad, bad, bad… These lasted all the way through the day and into Sunday. Can’t eat but tried to and can’t sleep. Loaded myself with morphine but only helped moderately.

I am normally quite stoic but it was so bad on Saturday that I had resorted to “chanting” asking the Father in Jesus’ name to remove the tumor and pain and I kept repeating myself until I doze off at one stage.

Slightly better now but all the symptoms are still there but on a much reduced severity scale. Suspect that all these are part of the chemotherapy side-effects accentuated by the still recovering radiation gastritis. Suspect that the pain was that bad because I was also on the tail end (3^rd day) of the effectiveness of the fentanyl patch. Changed the patch last night and supplemented with morphine and overall I had a more comfortable night. At least I did not wake up from a sharp shock of pain from the abdominal region and I could sleep lying down instead of sitting.

Beyond these, I do now know if there is anything positive that I could report on but sadly I could really not think of any but the fact that I could still be writing now and report that I am doing better now compared to Saturday is a positive, that God is still with me and had helped carried me through the weekend. Last night, as my birthday is coming up, my mother cooked mee-suah in Bak-Ku-Teh soup base with pork ribs, kidney and liver, hard-boiled egg and Chai-Sin. Regardless of whether it is my birthday or not, that dish is one of my favorite and I guess it went in a great way towards opening up my appetite. Last night’s portion is roughly less than half of what I would normally had consumed when I am well.

What a way to celebrate my birthday but I am reminded of God’s goodness that I still have the opportunity to “celebrate” my birthday this year.

Yesterday, Josie received news that the sister of one of her closest friend was also diagnosed with Stage-IV cancer that had metastasised to multiple organ. Not certain what is the specific cancer but preliminary indication is pancreatic cancer but further test are been done. The metastasis is quite extensive and she is experiencing a lot of pain and I believe the pain is on a level that is far worse than mine. If you read this and have the time to pray for me, I ask that you pray for this sister as well, for God to comfort and sustain her and her family.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Where Is The End?

I am sort of upset that in April, the blockages happened to the bile duct and the duodenum as this had delayed and postponed all the various therapy and treatments and all the pain and discomfort all started from that time. It is also considering that my treatment was progressing well up to that point. It gave the tumor the opportunity to regrow and metastasise. Even as I write this post, I have to stand up and walk around every few minute so because of the pain and it is really driving me up the wall.

In the last few weeks, as I was going through this harrowing period, I was constantly reminded of what I had written earlier where there is no misery despite the suffering that I am going through. However, with the constant pain it does seem like all I have to look forward to everyday is just more pain and discomfort and herein lays my dilemma of belief. Life indeed looks miserable from where I am now but there is always hope.

I found myself praying more and more simply for the pain to go away, the cries from a son to the Father. I found myself occasional telling myself that I want to “go home”, home where the Father is, where there is no pain and no suffering and just to be in His presence. I envision an angel sticking his hand into my abdomen and removing the tumor cells. Every song that I hear that spoke about the goodness of God, of His grace and mercy, of dwelling in His presence, of the untold blessings that He brings, etc will bring tears to my eyes for there is nothing else for me to look forward to.

What do I do now, what shall I do and where is the end?

It is hard, very hard but by the grace of God, there is always a silver-lining. We just have to know where to look, where to see and feel His presence and my heart cry is “Father, help me!”

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Clinical Updates, July 2013, #01

My apology again to those whose who are following my blog that I had not posted for quite a while now. It is progressively getting more difficult for me to focus on writing due to the pain and discomfort. I will be making 2 posts today, this one that focuses largely on my clinical condition and another where I will focus largely on my thoughts.

The last 2 weeks was terrible and “terrible” might be an understatement. I was not able to sleep well because of the pain and discomfort and somehow the pain and discomfort were more pronounced at night when I try to sleep. It could be that there were no distractions like TV such that all attentions were focused back onto the body and I start to notice the pain and discomfort more. For the Radiation Gastritis, it is progressive getting better although not as fast as I would have hoped. I am getting less of the bloated feeling and I can consume more food (quantity-wise per meal) but the condition is still in a sort of flux and I got good days and bad days. Last night was quite bad and the total hours of peaceful sleep I got from 12:15am till 7:30am this morning was roughly about 3 hours. The remaining of the time, I was in a half-sleep zone and getting out of bed every now and then and moved about just to elevate some of the discomfort. The only fortunate thing is that during the day I seem to be able to catch up on my sleep.

I am still losing weight and this morning, I had crossed the sub-50kg mark with my weight at 49.6kg. It translate to me having less energy and physically less desire to move about although psychologically I do try to motivate myself to move about at least in the morning by sending Nathan to school and occasionally heading out in the afternoon for a short while just to occupy myself. I went a watch World War Z at the cinema yesterday. Again, it is one of those distractions that I had at least for a few hours.

I had my CT-Scan done last week on Tuesday and I saw my Medical Oncologist on 8 July, Monday. The good news is that the stents are where they are supposed to be and still functioning as what they are supposed to. The bad news is that the cancer had metastasised again to the liver with multiple ill-defined hypodense lesions in both lobes of the liver. The pancreatic tumor appears to be larger but not really very conclusive as it is sort of like a “blob” being inseparable from part of the stomach and intestine. There seem to be a “hypodense” area within the pancreatic tumor and it could represent “necrosis”.

What does all these means?

My Med-Oncologist is not too concern at this point about the Liver lesions/metastasis as he says we can make do with even just 1/3 of a liver. He is somewhat concerned about the pancreatic tumor and will be targeting treatment on that region. Since it would seem that the previous chemo-drugs used are appearing to be losing their effectiveness, the treatment is going to be switched to a more traditional drug Gemcitabine used for treating Pancreatic Cancer. I will be having 2 cycles of therapies with each cycle consisting of 3 treatments (once a week) and a week rest before staring the next cycle. The first treatment will be this Friday. I am trying to psych myself up for the treatment because I do not know how “bad” the side-effects will be considering my current weaken state and the ongoing discomfort I have with the stomach.

I had a follow-up with my Radiation-Oncologist on the same day and I got a little optimistic  after seeing him. I kept asking him if the “necrosis” could mean that the tumor is “dying” but he was trying not to be committal about it because I think it is still really too early to tell. He was saying that the effect of the radiation from the Radio-Therapy could last up to 12 weeks after the last therapy session (my last session was on 31 May) and we would need to wait and see how the situation develop especially now that I am going to start on chemotherapy again.

In any case, I do not sense the same optimism from both my Med- and Rad-Oncologist as I have from April of this year but I will still have to go through the treatment as it will provide some hope. In the meanwhile, the pain is really getting to me and I am finding it hard to tolerate it, this despite the increasing dose of pain killer. The Fentanyl pain killer patch is now 50mcg instead of 37.5 and my consumption of morphine is more regular and frequent now. I believe the main pain is coming from the tumor and lesser from the gastritis. I can also only pray and hope that this pain is from the tumor in the grip of a death-roll.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1