Home calling of David Jonathan Yue

David Yue was admitted into hospital on 7th September 2013. Our loving Lord took him home on 13th September 2013, 5:46am.

For 14 months since his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, David Yue fought a good fight and kept the faith, inspiring many.

As David said in his blog :"I would like to draw your attention of my faith. I declare that even if God does not heal, I will still worship Him and declare His sovereignty over my life."

David Yue left behind his beloved wife Josie and son Nathan. He is dearly missed and fondly remembered by family members and loved ones.

In God we trust and in Christ alone our hope is found. Glory be to God!

Below is a love note from wife Josie to his beloved late husband, David:

A love note to David

My love, if only I can wake you up just by calling your name...

So many nights when I looked at your faith and your love for Jesus, I am so touched. Moved by your tenacity, your strength and your courage. I did not see affliction but instead I saw wholeness and a complete trust in the Lord.

I love you very much. I love you for all the moments I spent with you.

From the times when we first met, you have already won m y heart with your integrity and your ever-preparedness to help and serve. Your gentlemanly love for me;  for all the times that you open the car door for me without fail! Your gentle and affectionate love; for the deep kisses we shared as one!

Your godly principles and convictions in life; you have taught me what true loyalty is all about! Your amazing love for Jesus; many times we shed tears together in the presence of God while worshipping Him!

My dear, I love you also for leading my mum to Christ. What a priceless gift you have given to me; when no one thought it was possible, God was able to use you to touch my mother's heart. 

Thank you too for being a great father to Nathan. Your love and legacy will always continue in his life.

But above all, thank you David, for showing me how to love Jesus more.

I remember fondly that each time when i ask you, "Who do you love the most?" Your answer to me will always be the same, "You are the second love in my life; Jesus is always the first love...therefore don't ask me again, love! The answer will never change." And you will say it ever so seriously.

You are my hero!

I can't thank you enough in this lifetime...

I guess I can only do it in heaven as I bid farewell to you for a while...

Till I see you again.

I still have a lot of things to share you. Wait for me.

My love...now and forever.

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Treatment #02 / Follow-Up with Pallative Care Specialist

Last week was kind of a week that was difficult to get through. After the 2^nd Cycle’s 1^st treatment (Post-Radiotherapy), I had swelling (water-retention) is both legs for about 2 days. My whole constitution was quite messy as well. There was general pain in the abdominal area and it did not go away despite the Fentanyl patch and morphine. One of the side effects of the Fentanyl and morphine is constipation and it finally started to happen. I was not able to eat well and sleep well despite the lethargy.

On Thursdays (29^th August), I went for my blood test and the nurses also notice that I am generally not myself and they notice my tiredness too. This is in consideration that I am generally stoic and normally jovial whenever I go to the clinic.

That same day, I had an appointment with my Palliative Care Specialist and we reviewed my condition, my medication, dosages, etc. This was when I found out that part of the contributing factor towards the pain was probably the constipation and that I would need to start on my constipation medication and also to go back to the medication regime previously prescribed as on my part, I had try to reduce the dosage as much as possible. Out of a “no choice” situation, I had to stick with the original prescriptions/regime and also start on the laxative for the constipation.

As the blood test result was positive, the platelet count was 120+ and thus we proceeded with the chemotherapy on Friday (30^th August). God is good to me. Following the prescription and some precautionary steps, the water retention was really quite minimal (almost none). I was very tired for the first 2 days but today was kind of good and I was able to move about and spend some time with Josie and Nathan. I will have to monitor myself for the next few days and see how my constitution will be like and hopefully continue to be well enough for my 2^nd Cycle’s 3^rd treatment.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him, all creatures here below,

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Amen.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:10

Solace in the Lord, Part II

Even as I search and take comfort in solace in the Lord, I was reminded of a Psalm and a quick search confirm that it is indeed the Psalm that the Lord had impressed upon me.

As a continuance to my earlier post, to me, it spoke of His ever-presence with me, of my whole being been made by Him. The pain and the discomfort are not getting better but I thank God that it is not getting worse either. How comforting when in verse 10 it says “Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me.” And the exhortation in verse 23 and 24 that says “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”

There was a song I wrote a while ago and it goes:

Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms.

I know I don’t have to
Worry about tomorrow.
Or be held back by my past
For God had set me free.

The stone that was rolled away
Is the start of the day I worship…

Note:
The stone referred to the stone that blocked Christ’s tomb. When it was rolled away, Christ had risen and if He is risen, then we are saved and thus the start of my worship.


Psalm 139 (NASB)

God’s Omnipresence and Omniscience.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

1 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Solace in the Lord, Part I

In the weeks where I was experiencing tremendous amount of pain and there seem to be no end to it, these verses were a solace to my soul, a constant reminder that the Lord is with me and will carry me through. He has and will continue to do so. Just look to Him and He is beside you.

Psalm 23:3-5 (NASB)

3 He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Philippians 4:4-9 (NASB)

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Psalm 116:5-7 (NASB)

5 Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;

Yes, our God is compassionate.

6 The LORD preserves the simple;

I was brought low, and He saved me.

7 Return to your rest, O my soul,

For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

Ephesians 3:17-19 (NASB)

17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,

18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,

19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NASB)

8 Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.

9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

There is this story about footprint in the sand. It is a well-known story and it spoke about how God carried us when it seems He was far from us. Although the story, its meaning and intentions were uplifting and is edifying to those who are seeking the Lord when they seem to be at a lost, I have another take on this story.

Whenever this story is told or whenever it comes to mind, the image that comes to me is not one where I am carried on the back of Jesus but rather there continues to be 2 pair of footprints. In instances where I needed Him, He is there, not carrying me but is beside me, walking with me, consoling me, uplifting me, talking to me, listening to me, one arm beneath my arm ready to support me when I stumble.

There were moments where there are knee prints and a set of footprint that are set deeper in the sand. That is when I stumbled and Jesus lifted me up leaving an imprint that is deeper in the sand. I know He is there all the time because He is beside me. Even when I sit down, He is there with me sitting beside me, looking at me. I have tears in my eyes but He has a smile on His face. I grimace from the pain in my abdomen but He is there holding my shoulder.

The Lord does not carry me. He upheld me and stood where I know He would be.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Treatment #01b

Specifically for the Chemotherapy, there was no major hiccup this time round on 22^nd August (Thursday) and 23^rd August (Friday).

The week before, I had developed water retention and my feet and calves were swollen for about 2 days before subsiding. On Thursday, there was still some slight swelling but not sufficient enough to be of major concern. My platelet count was 188 but because of my low haemoglobin and red cell count and the swelling, the preparation of my drugs was held off unit Friday as the nurses would like to see what my actual conditions are on Friday.

Come Friday, the swelling is still slight but not sufficient to cause major concern and so the therapy proceeded. All went well and I was home by about 1:00pm in the afternoon. Seem like all good things comes to an end at one time or another as things took a tumble on Saturday when my abdominal area went into a tailspin and I was having bloated-ness, pain on the left side (Stomach region) and on the centre (tumor region), did not pass motion for 1 day although there wasn’t that constipated feeling. The feet and calves swelled with the swelling subsiding only on Monday evening. I slept for practically the entire day on Saturday literally despite the noise from Nathan.

Slightly better today as you can see since I am able to blog but I am “tahaning” the tiredness and minor pain despite the morphine. Have an appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist next week and let’s see what she says then.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Treatment #01a

I was supposed to have the first treatment of my 2^nd Cycle of Chemotherapy on 16^TH August and thus my blood test on 15^th August. However, on 15^th August morning around 5:00am, I developed a fever and it was as high as 39.5 ^oC. In actuality, as soon as I developed a high fever, I should have headed to TTSH’s Accident and Emergency Department to have a blood test done and for the observation but as with most of us including myself, I did what came purely automatically and popped 2 panadol and went back to sleep hoping that the fever will subside. The fever did subside and it was down to about 37.5^oC to 3.9^oC at around 8:30am.

There is an overlap to this entry as it happened on the same day as my appointment with my Palliative Care Specialist

Called the chemotherapy clinic at about 9:30am to update the nurses there and ask as to what I am supposed to do next and well… I got a ticking off from the nurse as I was not supposed to take the panadol. The simple reason been that the panadol could mask the primary cause of the fever and this would make follow-up and treatment difficult should the cause be something serious. It was also from here on that I had difficulty “restarting” posting on my blog as a whole host of events occurred that really make me feel unwell that I simply do not have the energy to do anything else especially blogging.

The nurse was “at a lost” as to what to do next and I told her that I have an appointment with the palliative care specialist that afternoon and thus I was told to proceed to TTSH anyway to have the blood test done and decide what to do next. Based on the blood test done on 15^th August, I should be able to proceed with the chemotherapy on 16^th August as my platelet count was very good at 250+. The first time it had hit 150+ since last August 2012. Long story short again, in the previous post, I had spoken about the situation and appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist, based on blood test result and consultation with Chemo-MO on duty, they will plan to proceed with my chemotherapy on 16^th August.

However on 16^th August, I was having this terrible backache like those that you get when you have a bad flu and you have aches all over your body especially the back. Checked with the Chemo-MO on duty and she checked with my Medical Oncologist and they concluded that better to be on the safe side and postpone my chemotherapy and put me on flu medical (i.e. Panadol and Antibiotic).

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Med-Oncologist Follow-up and Appointment with Palliative Care Specialist

Waited and tolerated all the pain and finally got to see my Medical Oncologist on 5th August (Monday).

Prior to all my appointment with my Medical Oncologist, a blood test will be done but the test consisted of more parameters than those needed for Chemotherapy. From the result, my haemoglobin and red cell count is somewhat on the low side and this is one reason why I am generally tired and “lack energy” and would tend to want to sleep.

With my Oncologist, we spoke, we talked and at one stage he used the word “palliative” again to describe my treatment and condition. In other word, he is treating me from the perspective of lengthening my life and making sure that I have at least some form of “quality of life”. In any case we have a different outlook with this regards. Anyway, we spoke also about the constant pain and he increased the dose of my Fentanyl patch to 75mcg. When I switched to this does, it does help somewhat but the pain did not go away, it simply was less intense. I had requested for a referral to a palliative care specialist and was careful not to “upset” his professionalism. He was very open about it and thought that it was probably a good idea to have the palliative care specialist assess and manage my pain situation.

The appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist was scheduled pretty quickly as I got a slot within a week of my follow-up with my Medical Oncologist on 15th August.

With the Palliative Care Specialist, we spoke a lot as I have to provide her with background information other than those that are already in my case-notes. She was patient and generally “affectionate” but then I was told all Palliative Care Specialist are generally such due to the type of patients that they attend to. To cut the long story short, she asked me about my pain, type, location, occurrences and morphine dosage. She did some quick calculation and I was told I could triple my morphine dose so that the pain could be effectively managed. Guess what? I tried it at home and it really helped. The pain was sort of “gone” for at least the full four hours in-between dose and for the week after that, life was sort of pleasant again. I was also given another pain killer that was supposed to help with the occasional sharp intense pain in the abdomen and that really helped too. Before this, the pain was simply a constant presence, always there and always disturbing. I was told just to watch out for constipation as both the Fentanyl and morphine has this side effect and also causes drowsiness.

Really thank God for this turnaround of event.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #03

This entry is just going to be very simple and short. I had my blood test done on 1^st August (Thursday) and the platelet could was 188 x 10⁹/L. The result was good enough for the chemotherapy to proceed on 2^nd August (Friday).

There is still that pain in the abdominal region and I am just looking forward to my appointment with my Medical Oncologist and see what he can do to help with the pain.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02c

My apology for not posting anything closed to a month now especially to those who were following my blog regularly. There will be quite a number of updates and I will be posting them in separate entries in order to keep it in chronological sequences and short per entry so that it would be easier to track the sequence of events. As I am trying to remember as much as I can of the events that had occurred over the last one month, the details of which may not be accurate but I’ll try to recollect as much and as accurately as possible.

I had my blood test done on 18^th July (Thursday), the platelet count dropped to 94 x 10⁹/L. This result was kind of on the borderline and I was asked to have another blood test done on 19^th July (Friday) to see if the platelet count is on the uptrend or downtrend. The result on 19^th was 73 x 10⁹/L, too low for the chemotherapy to proceed. I’ll just have to rest one more week and see what happens next.

On the following week, I had my blood test done on 25^th July (Thursday) and the platelet count was 145 x 10⁹/L, good enough for the chemotherapy to proceed on 26^th July (Friday).

Nothing much to report specifically for the chemotherapy as everything was fine after the therapy and I was feeling relatively well except that it was also from here onward that I had stopped posting on my blog as a whole host of events occurred thereafter that really made me feel unwell so much so that I simply do not have the energy to do anything even blogging.

Anyway I was having constant pain in the abdominal region for about 2 weeks after the chemotherapy and that it really bothered me such that I could not eat much, sleep or focus on the things I wish to do. I was in a terrible mess, curling up to sleep, enduring the occasional sharp pain that would shoot up my abdomen and at one stage, the pain was so bad that I almost wanted to admit myself to TTSH. I had lost about 3kg of weight in the 2-3 weeks. However, God was good and He helped me endured that couple of weeks of occasional excruciating pain until 5^th Aug as the pain gradually eased off and I got to see my Medical Oncologist.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02b

I went to TTSH today for my blood test. The results came out alright and my platelet count was 145 and thus high enough for the chemotherapy to proceed tomorrow morning.

Yesterday, I wrote something about things happening that are just too good to be true, well… the pain was back. Not with a vengeance but sufficiently bad enough that I woke about 3 times this morning just to take in morphine to ease the pain. It was somewhat the same on the way to TTSH this morning for the blood test and currently the pain is still there but bearable but not sufficiently bearable that I could have a “wonderful” afternoon nap.

I ask that you continue to pray that:

a)      The pain and discomfort will stay away.

b)      For the chemo, that there will be no side effects nor add to the current pain.

c)      Nathan will behave so that Josie will have lesser things to hassle over.

d)     God will sustain Josie.

Kind of apprehensive as I am still fearful mentally and I am not really looking forward to the therapy but not having it is not an option either. The battle continues to be psychological and definitely far more difficult to adjust.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

What’s Next? Part II

Sometimes, things that happened are just too good to be true but in no way am I implying that God renegade on His promises. I thought I was on the mend as far as the pain and discomfort is concerned but 2 days ago, 22nd July, the pain came back with a vengeance and it was simply gnawing at me. The morphine did not help and I had doubled the amount of morphine that I was supposed to take. The antacid, other medications and various sitting and laying down postures did not help either. It was quite excruciating. I was on the verge of admitting myself to TTSH just because of the pain. Josie and I, we prayed and I prayed as well and I am not blaming God against anything but this time the pain simply did not go away or subside sufficiently for me to be marginally comfortable. Needless to say was that I hardly slept at all that day and it was not until about 5:00 am on 23rd July that the pain subsided sufficiently enough for me to have a half decent sleep.

Tuesday continued to be quite bad but I guess I had dosed myself sufficiently with morphine that I was able to manage some routine activities. Praise God that today was fantastic compared Monday but I do not wish to be overly optimistic at this point but to continue to monitor my condition especially since I am supposed to have my chemotherapy on Friday. From the lack of rest, I am not sure if the body had produced sufficient platelets for the chemo to proceed.

I ask that you pray that:
a) The pain and discomfort will stay away.
b) The body would product sufficient platelets so that chemo can proceed on Friday.
c) For the chemo, that there will be no side effects.
d) Nathan will behave so that Josie will have less things to hassle over.
e) God will sustain Josie.

God is good and I believe this is one instance where He really showed that He will not allow us/me to bear beyond what we could bear. I firmly believe that if the pain had not subsided on Tuesday, I would probably had collapse from the pain or at least admit myself into the hospital.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Happy Birthday Mr. Yue

Last Tuesday, 16 July was my 46^th Birthday. It was the 2^nd birthday since the discovery of my cancer. What a way to be celebrating my birthday! I had received a lot of messages from friends wishing me well with added notes of encouragement and support.

I had wanted to write something on that day or at least the next day but my constitution basically prevented me from having the desire to want to write. What you may not know is that whenever I sit down to work on my computer, especially in the last month or so when I had this problem with my stomach and the pain, sitting at the desk compresses and thus put additional pressure on the stomach and this increases the pain. I have to either lean back or sit ram-rod straight so that there is no additional pressure on the stomach but those positions are not really very comfortable over a long period of time.

As I had mentioned in my earlier post, the pain is easing with medication and knowing when to administer both the pain killer, the drug that decreases stomach acid production, antacid and food intake to reduce refluxes. During one of the prayer, I had received a prompter from God that I need to talk to Josie, to confess to her about a hidden sin of mine that I had kept from her. Strangely or should I say miraculously enough, when the prompter came and I who is no longer in a position to bargain with God in any case agreed to tell Josie, the pain started to ease off. It did not disappear but it eases quite a bit. Spoke to her yesterday and by God’s grace and mercy, things turned out better than I had expected and I thank God for his hands at work in this matter. No… It is not something that I will be writing about as it is a matter for me, Josie and God. If I can at least boast, I can boast that I have nothing else to hide from God and Josie. Kind of oxymoronic as we cannot really hide anything from God but my earlier statement is metaphorical anyway as far as God is concerned. I did not get to go scot-free though as according to Josie, I have to live longer than her in order to pay her back…

God is kind, God is gracious and God is full of whatever we would termed as “good” and He had given me Josie and whatever that may had transpired, Josie said that we are still in this journey together and God will carry us through.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02a

I went to TTSH this week on Thursday to have my blood taken for tests in order to find out if I could proceed with round 2 of my Post-Radiotherapy Chemotherapy Cycle #01. Sadly, my platelet count dropped to 94 and I was asked to return to TTSH on Friday for a 2^nd test to see if the platelet count is on the upswing or downswing. The platelet count on Friday was 73, worse than Thursday and so I had to skip this week’s chemotherapy.

I guess it is just as well because mentally I was not really looking forward to the therapy and I told Josie just as much that I fear not been able to have chemo because it gives more chance for the cancer cells to grow and multiply but I fear having the chemo because I do not know how much it would add to existing pain and discomfort. The battle thus had entered into the psychological aspect and this form of battle is far more difficult to fight.

Things are getting slightly better though. The pain is easing with medication and knowing when to administer both the pain killer, the drug that decreases stomach acid production, antacid and food intake to reduce refluxes. At one stage, things were kind of bad that I had to ask Josie to pray for me immediately and over a few times a day especially at night when the pain is more pronounce and this became a regular thing that we did over the last one week with her praying for the easing of the pain whenever it became kind of unbearable.

I guess God knows because in the last few days, a few things had happened that makes things easier psychologically and spiritually and this allowed me at least the effort of looking forward to the next chemotherapy.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #01

Last Friday was the first treatment for the first cycle of my first chemotherapy after my radiation-therapy. Went to the clinic not knowing what to expect but at least I know for the new regime, I do not have to carry a pump home and all the infusions are was done at the clinic.

Last week, I was progressively getting better from the Gastritis and started to feel and eat better although there were the occasional ups and downs. As I was sort of still recovering from the radiation induced gastritis, I was a bit apprehensive as to whether the chemotherapy would affect or make the gastritis worse. Therefore I was a little surprised that things turned out well enough on Friday and I was able to have a proper lunch and I was feeling well enough also in the evening. The next day though was another story. I was alright in the morning and went to Macdonald in the morning for Nathan’s weekly treat. A neighbor who is also a fellow church member was also at Macdonald and we had breakfast together and we chatted. That was around 10:00am in the morning. At around 11:00am, the side-effect (I assumed that it was the chemotherapy side effect) hit me like a ton of bricks and it was like a combination of all the things that I was suffering from in the last 3 weeks all coming together in that one moment. There was the pain, the bloated-ness, the feeling of wanting to vomit, the occasional sharp pain in the lower and upper abdomen, occasional sharp pain on the lower right chest where the liver is, the churning and spasm like those of gastritis. All in all, it was just bad, bad, bad… These lasted all the way through the day and into Sunday. Can’t eat but tried to and can’t sleep. Loaded myself with morphine but only helped moderately.

I am normally quite stoic but it was so bad on Saturday that I had resorted to “chanting” asking the Father in Jesus’ name to remove the tumor and pain and I kept repeating myself until I doze off at one stage.

Slightly better now but all the symptoms are still there but on a much reduced severity scale. Suspect that all these are part of the chemotherapy side-effects accentuated by the still recovering radiation gastritis. Suspect that the pain was that bad because I was also on the tail end (3^rd day) of the effectiveness of the fentanyl patch. Changed the patch last night and supplemented with morphine and overall I had a more comfortable night. At least I did not wake up from a sharp shock of pain from the abdominal region and I could sleep lying down instead of sitting.

Beyond these, I do now know if there is anything positive that I could report on but sadly I could really not think of any but the fact that I could still be writing now and report that I am doing better now compared to Saturday is a positive, that God is still with me and had helped carried me through the weekend. Last night, as my birthday is coming up, my mother cooked mee-suah in Bak-Ku-Teh soup base with pork ribs, kidney and liver, hard-boiled egg and Chai-Sin. Regardless of whether it is my birthday or not, that dish is one of my favorite and I guess it went in a great way towards opening up my appetite. Last night’s portion is roughly less than half of what I would normally had consumed when I am well.

What a way to celebrate my birthday but I am reminded of God’s goodness that I still have the opportunity to “celebrate” my birthday this year.

Yesterday, Josie received news that the sister of one of her closest friend was also diagnosed with Stage-IV cancer that had metastasised to multiple organ. Not certain what is the specific cancer but preliminary indication is pancreatic cancer but further test are been done. The metastasis is quite extensive and she is experiencing a lot of pain and I believe the pain is on a level that is far worse than mine. If you read this and have the time to pray for me, I ask that you pray for this sister as well, for God to comfort and sustain her and her family.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Where Is The End?

I am sort of upset that in April, the blockages happened to the bile duct and the duodenum as this had delayed and postponed all the various therapy and treatments and all the pain and discomfort all started from that time. It is also considering that my treatment was progressing well up to that point. It gave the tumor the opportunity to regrow and metastasise. Even as I write this post, I have to stand up and walk around every few minute so because of the pain and it is really driving me up the wall.

In the last few weeks, as I was going through this harrowing period, I was constantly reminded of what I had written earlier where there is no misery despite the suffering that I am going through. However, with the constant pain it does seem like all I have to look forward to everyday is just more pain and discomfort and herein lays my dilemma of belief. Life indeed looks miserable from where I am now but there is always hope.

I found myself praying more and more simply for the pain to go away, the cries from a son to the Father. I found myself occasional telling myself that I want to “go home”, home where the Father is, where there is no pain and no suffering and just to be in His presence. I envision an angel sticking his hand into my abdomen and removing the tumor cells. Every song that I hear that spoke about the goodness of God, of His grace and mercy, of dwelling in His presence, of the untold blessings that He brings, etc will bring tears to my eyes for there is nothing else for me to look forward to.

What do I do now, what shall I do and where is the end?

It is hard, very hard but by the grace of God, there is always a silver-lining. We just have to know where to look, where to see and feel His presence and my heart cry is “Father, help me!”

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Clinical Updates, July 2013, #01

My apology again to those whose who are following my blog that I had not posted for quite a while now. It is progressively getting more difficult for me to focus on writing due to the pain and discomfort. I will be making 2 posts today, this one that focuses largely on my clinical condition and another where I will focus largely on my thoughts.

The last 2 weeks was terrible and “terrible” might be an understatement. I was not able to sleep well because of the pain and discomfort and somehow the pain and discomfort were more pronounced at night when I try to sleep. It could be that there were no distractions like TV such that all attentions were focused back onto the body and I start to notice the pain and discomfort more. For the Radiation Gastritis, it is progressive getting better although not as fast as I would have hoped. I am getting less of the bloated feeling and I can consume more food (quantity-wise per meal) but the condition is still in a sort of flux and I got good days and bad days. Last night was quite bad and the total hours of peaceful sleep I got from 12:15am till 7:30am this morning was roughly about 3 hours. The remaining of the time, I was in a half-sleep zone and getting out of bed every now and then and moved about just to elevate some of the discomfort. The only fortunate thing is that during the day I seem to be able to catch up on my sleep.

I am still losing weight and this morning, I had crossed the sub-50kg mark with my weight at 49.6kg. It translate to me having less energy and physically less desire to move about although psychologically I do try to motivate myself to move about at least in the morning by sending Nathan to school and occasionally heading out in the afternoon for a short while just to occupy myself. I went a watch World War Z at the cinema yesterday. Again, it is one of those distractions that I had at least for a few hours.

I had my CT-Scan done last week on Tuesday and I saw my Medical Oncologist on 8 July, Monday. The good news is that the stents are where they are supposed to be and still functioning as what they are supposed to. The bad news is that the cancer had metastasised again to the liver with multiple ill-defined hypodense lesions in both lobes of the liver. The pancreatic tumor appears to be larger but not really very conclusive as it is sort of like a “blob” being inseparable from part of the stomach and intestine. There seem to be a “hypodense” area within the pancreatic tumor and it could represent “necrosis”.

What does all these means?

My Med-Oncologist is not too concern at this point about the Liver lesions/metastasis as he says we can make do with even just 1/3 of a liver. He is somewhat concerned about the pancreatic tumor and will be targeting treatment on that region. Since it would seem that the previous chemo-drugs used are appearing to be losing their effectiveness, the treatment is going to be switched to a more traditional drug Gemcitabine used for treating Pancreatic Cancer. I will be having 2 cycles of therapies with each cycle consisting of 3 treatments (once a week) and a week rest before staring the next cycle. The first treatment will be this Friday. I am trying to psych myself up for the treatment because I do not know how “bad” the side-effects will be considering my current weaken state and the ongoing discomfort I have with the stomach.

I had a follow-up with my Radiation-Oncologist on the same day and I got a little optimistic  after seeing him. I kept asking him if the “necrosis” could mean that the tumor is “dying” but he was trying not to be committal about it because I think it is still really too early to tell. He was saying that the effect of the radiation from the Radio-Therapy could last up to 12 weeks after the last therapy session (my last session was on 31 May) and we would need to wait and see how the situation develop especially now that I am going to start on chemotherapy again.

In any case, I do not sense the same optimism from both my Med- and Rad-Oncologist as I have from April of this year but I will still have to go through the treatment as it will provide some hope. In the meanwhile, the pain is really getting to me and I am finding it hard to tolerate it, this despite the increasing dose of pain killer. The Fentanyl pain killer patch is now 50mcg instead of 37.5 and my consumption of morphine is more regular and frequent now. I believe the main pain is coming from the tumor and lesser from the gastritis. I can also only pray and hope that this pain is from the tumor in the grip of a death-roll.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Clinical Updates, June 2013, #03

Yes, yes… it has been almost a week now since I had last posted and I am not exaggerating the fact that this was how uncomfortable that I was and still are and that I really don’t feel like switching on my computer and write.  I have not read any book in the last few weeks and the only reading I made were the newspaper in the morning during breakfast or the online version of Channel News Asia on my Smartphone in the evening. The rest of the times were spent sleeping, lying down, sitting or watching the TV. Eating is also getting progressive difficult due to the pain, bloated-ness and the occasional vomiting.

Sounds bad huh?

Probably is quite bad or probably not as bad as some other folks but it has been difficult. In fact, “uncomfortable” may be an understatement but I don’t have any other words that seem to be more suitable because I am not quite miserable nor in extreme agony although occasionally it had reach that stage but thank God that they were transient and lasted only a short while.

Last Thursday, I saw the Gastroenterologist as part of the follow-up for my duodenum and bile duct stenting. Both seem to be stable and need not put too much attention on it but since I was there at the clinic, I explained about the Radiation Gastritis but the Gastroenterologist wasn’t quite convinced that it was all due to the Gastritis as some symptoms are odd but there are some indications for it. Anyway, she increased my Nexium dose from 20mg twice daily to 40mg twice daily for 2 weeks and it does help but not to the fullest extent. Suspect that the discomfort is due to both the gastritis and cancer tumor.

I ask that you pray:

·       That I recover from the Radiation Gastritis quickly as then I only have to deal with the pain from the tumor and that is so much easier to manage with just pain killers.

·       For now, food intake is low and I am losing weight gradually and would be hitting 51kg very soon. Pray that whatever I eat, I can absorb the nutrient and thus to maintain and increase my weight.

·       “Peaceful” sleep and rest is hard to come by. Pray that the pain would be resolved and that the food would pass through the stomach smoothly so that I don’t have bloated-ness.

Some people who saw me may not think that I am going through all these pain and discomfort or that I may be exaggerating but I got to put on a brave front and be stoic for the family sake and the tolerance is also by God’s grace and mercy. Stay with me a couple of hours and you will start noticing the discomfort that I am going through  as occasionally I will zone out from trying not to focus on the pain and discomfort.

Nathan was ill over the weekend and from observing this son of mine, he seem to be as stoic as me in that he usually cries for a very short while whenever he fell and cuts himself or knock against sometime hard and most time he does even react to the “pain”. Last weekend however, he was clinging to the mother and complains of pain in the tommy area and cried quite a bit and we had no choice but to send him to the hospital to have a look and he was hospitalised on Sunday evening for observation for possible intussusception (i.e. obstruction caused by infolding of one part of the intestine into another) due to his recent history of fever and coughs or viral illness (e.g. stomach flu). Fortunately, the pain got resolved and Nathan was supposed to be discharged on Monday but we kept him in KKH for one more day just to be certain.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

What’s Next?

Psalm 23 (NASB)

1   The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

2   He makes me lie down in green pastures;

     He leads me beside quiet waters.

3   He restores my soul;

     He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

4   Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

     I fear no evil, for You are with me;

     Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5   You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

     You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

6   Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

     And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Truth be told, I do feel miserable currently but that do not translate into misery in my life and Psalm 23 still holds much truth for me despite the circumstances that I am going through.

I keep talking about my pains and discomforts and they were really a constant in my life for the last 2 weeks. Last night was quite bad and I hardly slept for about 3 hours intermittently despite the morphine. So what is next?

I won’t deny that in the last 2 weeks I have not thought too much about God as most waking moments had been locked up in trying to tolerate and finding means of easing the pain and discomfort. It thus makes me thinks about what happened to my belief and my effort to try and live a life where God is ever present and that He should not be far from my thoughts at all times. I admit that I was trying to fight this pain and discomfort on my own strength and also trying to see how far I could go on before I say “I give up, I surrender!”. Well… I am at that point now where there is really no one else I can really depend on except God.

God had been gracious and I know he will continue to be gracious despite my temporary loss of common sense and tried to depend on my own strength. How do I know that He is with me? Despite Nathan and Josie coming down ill a few times in that last few weeks, I was spared that illness that would have complicated my medical conditions. My last medical review was positive, Josie is holding up well and I know God was with her and strengthening her. Nathan saw a General Medicine Consultant today at KKH and we were told that his frequent illnesses were not unexpected since he started childcare and that he is holding up quite well actually. Nathan is also starting to “understand” things more and we are thankful that he slightly less (only slightly but better than no improvement) sticky and demanding and personally for me, that he will occasionally sit with me when mommy is busy. Ah… such heartwarming occasions.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

What Else?

Once again I know I had not posted for a few days and some of you might be wondering what is happening to me? I had consciously not posted anything because I do not wish my post to be just about the pain and the discomfort. It would either be the pain is here and then there, how it is giving me sleepless night or the discomfort is making me less willing to move about as every step that I take focuses somehow onto the bloated feeling in the stomach. I am also not quite up to writing as most of my time was spent lying or sitting down or sleeping.

I still have to put in some update but what else can I write?

For those hoping for something a little different and perhaps uplifting, I have to disappoint you for a little longer.

The new medication is helping but only to a certain extend as the pain still comes and go but at lesser intensity. Occasionally, there will be a sharp pain that runs through from my right side near the stomach to the middle of the chest on the right. I’m still talking the morphine but I had reduced the amount I took as the pain is less intense. Since what I am having is Radiation Gastritis, I’m assuming that the vomiting is part of it too. In the last one week, I had vomited three times from bloated-ness but I believe this is not because of the duodenum obstruction like the last time but simply because of the direct effect of having Gastritis. I really got to watch the quantum, the frequency and the texture (not too hard) of the food that I eat. In the meanwhile, I will having to depend a little more on the Glucerna supplement for my nutrient intake.

Josie is coping as best as she could and emotionally she is far stronger now than she was when this journey started. I believe God’s gift of Nathan had helped in this development as she has sort of a “distraction” and also a reason to remain strong. I wonder how she would have coped if all her attentions and focus is just on me alone and seeing what I am going through especially during this period when I’m having this Gastritis.

As a kind of record, I had asked Josie to take pictures of me while I sleep, sit of simply lying down and the various postures that I adopt just to ease the pain and discomfort. I kind of joked that I could be a yoga teacher because some of the posture I had adopted would showcase my flexibility.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Clinical Updates, June 2013, #02

The last 2-3 days can be considered bad days for me because the pain was quite excruciating. Fortunately it had not developed to a “debilitating” state but it came very close to it.

On Monday, I saw my Med-Oncologist and a couple of things to report:

a)     The blood test results were alright, not the best but alright. Kidney and Liver functions are within normal range and that’s good. Platelet was 102. Could be better but I’m thankful because it could have been worse. Lymphocytes number was borderline low but it is within the patterns observed from previous tests and not much to worry about. The CA19-9 Tumor marker had dropped to 158 from 300+. Still can’t make much out of it because at 300+ the reading is not definitive and thus a reading of 158 may seem like an improvement but again it is not definitive but a good indication none the less.

b)     The stomach pain is also as expected and my Med-Oncologist suspects that the “worsening” symptoms were probably due to the higher radiation dose used in my radiotherapy. My medication had been changed:

              i.         The Fentanyl dose was increased from 25mcg to 37mcg.

            ii.         Omeparzole was replaced with Nexium (Esomeprazole), kind of a more potent form of Omeparzole.

          iii.         Buscopan was replaced with Sucralfate although I can take both at the same time since they function differently.

          iv.         Given some more morphine and advised to take as much as I need (not “want”) within the prescribed dose to ease the pain.

After a couple of doses under the new medication, they do help to ease the pain but not totally. I have to make sure I don’t put any pressure on the stomach like sitting in a slouch position as it compresses the stomach and that often create quite sharp intense pain.

I have a CT scan scheduled on 2 July and follow-up with both my Med and Rad-Oncologists on 8 July. Depending on my current condition especially whether I would have recovered from the Radiation Gastritis and the result of the next blood test, my Med-Oncologist would restart me on Chemotherapy.

It has been nearly one year now (11 months to be exact) since the preliminary discovery of the “mass” at the pancreatic head with “invasion” of the liver and duodenum. A tough 1 year and clinically the best news was that the cancer in the liver is gone but beyond the fight against the cancer, the year was also rewarding in terms of building relationship with family and friends and more importantly with God.

Don’t really want to say the journey is coming to an end because the journey never ends. The end of one part of the journey is beginning of the next and I pray that God will grant me the opportunity to enter into a fresh new journey with Him when He call to a closure this current journey on this current path.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1