Pain In the Journey

Have I reached another milestone in my journey?

The title for this blog entry is that same as the one posted on 10 March but the difference is that this blog is about the physical pain in the journey.

God had been good to me as I was spared the suffering and the pain for about 8 months with the chemotherapy sessions. Since my last hospitalization for duodenum and bile duct obstruction, every single day are a constant struggle to get better and so was the pain. While in the hospital, I had experienced the most excruciating pain that I had ever known. Just to give you an idea of what it is like, for those of you who had the misfortune of been hit in the shin really hard by a hard object, you will know that it is one of the most painful experience that one can have. The pain that I had experienced in TTSH was worse, so far worse that I really needed strong pain killer (morphine) every 2 hours just to ease the pain and even then, the pain wasn’t totally removed. Ha!!… I thought I have a strong tolerance for pain and even one of the doctors in TTSH described me as “stoic” or the surprise from one of the nurses that was helping to flush the port used for my chemotherapy that I had never used local analgesic whenever the needle was inserted for chemotherapy.

When I was discharged, I thought that I would be alright as the pain was not too bad and that it was just a residue from the stentings. Oh how wrong I was. It has been 2 weeks since I was discharged and now the pain is not only constant and nagging but I can feel that it is progressively getting worse. I don’t think I can use “stoic” to describe myself anymore as I reach for the morphine bottle every night to help ease the pain so that I can sleep. At least for now, I had resisted the temptation to consume the morphine more than what was prescribed and in fact I am actually taking less.

In the last review with the Radio-Oncologist, I was told that the tumor will not shrink immediately and will normally be noticeable about 2 months after the end of the therapy. 2 months… I was kind of downcast when I heard that as I know that I will have to live with the pain for that much longer. I hope the chemotherapy can be restarted soon and even then, the therapeutic effect even if it is just palliative will also not be noticeable immediately.

What can I ask you to pray for? For now, at least:

a)      For the easing of the pain.

b)      For the tumor not to grow further.

c)      For the radiotherapy to work.

d)     For the chemotherapy to resume soon.

e)      For the sovereignty of God to be present in my life and for healing

Most importantly, pray for Josie as she is really the one that is bearing most of the burden at home, at work, for me and for Nathan. I can probably say that she is the stronger one at this point as I had not heard any complain from her. This is the emotional pain that I am feeling for her and from her I know that she is toiling through her own emotional pain too.

Having said all these, am I losing my faith in God? No… definitely not and I feel that God must have a purpose for putting me through all these. In one of my earlier blog, I had quoted from a book by Bernard of Clairvaux and I append it here again for your reference.

“‘A healthy man has no idea what an ill person is suffering, neither does a well-fed person know what a hungry person goes through.’ A sick person can feel for the sick, and a hungry person can understand the plight of the hungry, especially when those who suffer are in similar circumstances. Just as pure truth is only properly understood by the pure in heart, so a brother’s sadness is best understood by the sad in heart.”

Not only the pain but God is a constant as well in my life. I trust and believe that this phase of the journey is also something that God is allowing me to go through if I am truly to understand the pain of those that are suffering from illnesses and pains. I am not saying that it is a process for me to learn how to empathise but rather it is a process of gaining an understanding of what “sufferers” are going through and thus form the basis of where I hope I can help through my blog.

I am suffering but I maintained that there is no misery. How can there be misery when at every turn, I see the support from Josie who out of love for me is making the sacrifices that she is making. I know that there are those around me who are supporting me in whatever ways that they can and in the mails and messages that they sent. Furthermore, God had carried me so far and I know that He will carry me further.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1