Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #02 / New Year’s Eve

TTSH called and my therapy is postponed till next Tues, 8^th January 2013.

Today is also New Year’s Eve and the time of the year to reflect and look forward to a new year, a new beginning. What a year it has been for me and Josie but through it all, God had always been gracious, stood by us and carried us.

If I were to “leave” today, I would have no regrets as I have plan and settled most of things needed for Josie to take care of Nathan. I had made peace with whoever that I need to make peace with but the process had actually started last year. In a way, it showed me that God had started working in and on me even before I had cancer.

Having Josie by my side had also opened up many doors but along the way, there were some nagging too. For those who are already married, too bad, you have to live with the nagging. For those who are going to get married, understand that when your wife truly loves you, the nagging is just one of their ways of showing endearment and concern for you. Love them back in return as God had commanded and if it makes sense, change your ways so the wife will nag less and it is healthier for them too.

There are many things to thank God for and I have no regrets in believing and trusting Him. 2012 will go down in my life’s journey as a turning point and the most significant in terms of God’s presence in my life.

I thank Him and I trust Him.

Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #01 / Postponed

My scheduled 8^th chemotherapy was supposed to be on New Year Eve, 31 Dec. As it is the eve of a holiday, the blood test was done today so that my therapy could start earlier on Monday but the test result came back with my platelet count at 75. In other word, my chemotherapy is postponed till another day to be decided on Monday when my Oncologist can have a look at my results.

Again, a little upset with the delay.

I guess looking at the situation, Psalm 131 read during communion on Wednesday was  inspired as I have also written that Verse 1 speaks of what I had learnt, Verse 2 on what I aspire to achieve and Verse 3, my faith and hope in God. God is probably telling me to be “composed and quieted my soul” and continue to “hope in the LORD, from this time forth and forever”

It is also probably God’s way of allowing me to support Josie through this period as her company is experiencing some difficulties and she will be very busy and do not need another distraction if I were to have my chemotherapy on this coming week. She may also need to travel in the middle of January and my therapy’s postponement will mean that she will be travelling during my non-therapy week.

Josie’s father was discharged from TTSH on Friday and this also alleviated certain concerns and put the family at ease.

I believe once again, God showed His grace and mercy and planned things for the benefit of His children thus In God I Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #02 / Communion

On Wednesday, Vicar conducted communion for the family. It was a very small affair as only Vicar, one church staff, Josie and me were present. I had requested that Cell Group and friends not be informed so that they won’t be “pressured” to coming for the communion as it is at 6pm (delayed till 6:30pm because I was caught up is some matters) and just a day after Christmas.

Josie’s family could not make it as Josie’s grandmother is in hospital for an operation on the appendix and intestines and Josie’s father is in hospital for observation for suspected impending stroke (he did not have any stoke but potentially might have one at any time). A MRI was done for Josie’s father and we will know the result/report on Friday morning.  I ask that you pray for Josie’s grandmother and father.

For today’s communion, Vicar spoke from Psalm 131.

Psalm 131 (Childlike Trust in the Lord.)

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

 

A Song of Ascents, of David.

¹  O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,

   Or in things too difficult for me.

²  Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;

Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.

³  O Israel, hope in the Lord

From this time forth and forever.

How apt the scripture is to my current situation and the title given to this Psalm speaks volume in what I hope to achieve. Although I keep writing that I trust in God, I have missed out the “childlike” part of the trust in God. In reading this Psalm, it is an affirmation of my desire as described in this psalm. A childlike trust is unquestioning and a childlike faith is unwavering but how often we questioned God’s plan or action and how often we doubted Him.

Verse 3 issued a challenge to “hope in the Lord” and not only just hope but also “From this time forth and forever”. I think to hope in the Lord is the easy part but the “From this time forth and forever” will be a challenge for many as we are constantly bombarded with distractions and various priorities that we forget God and we say “later” to Him instead of “right now and forever”. I am guilty of that even now despite professing to trust in Him. There are the occasional doubts and there are times that I got distracted or I let my own personality or character rises to the fore and push God to the rear such that He does not take precedence anymore.

I don’t know how Vicar came about this scripture but I believe God has a hand in it either by inspiration or simply from Vicar’s knowledge of my desire. Regardless, to me, Verse 1 speaks of what I had learnt, Verse 2 on what I aspire to achieve and Verse 3, my faith and hope in God and thus I can proclaim:

In God I Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #01

It’s Christmas Day. We went for Christmas service this morning. The hall was packed with people as all the various services in Church came together for a combined service. I was very much encouraged by the people that came up to me after service top speak with me and provided words of encouragement.

Tomorrow, Vicar will be conducting communion for me and the family as preparation of my next chemotherapy scheduled on 31^st Dec, New Year Eve.

As the New Year approaches, there is much to be thankful for as listed in my previous blog “The melancholy of David Yue and his gratefulness”. I had just listed the items in broad general categories but in each of them, there are specific instances of the various things that people had done for me that showed-case their love, care and concern. These are precious moments to be remembered and cherished.

I looked back and know that every moment, every single days, hours, minutes and seconds in 2012 was granted to me by God and I forward to the New Year and know that I get to see 2013 because of His grace, mercy and sustenance.

In God I Trust.

The melancholy of David Yue and his gratefulness

Its Christmas eve… what a time of the year and every Christmas eve and New Year, I always get melancholic. This year, the melancholic feeling is somewhat mixed with other feelings.

What a year…!!

I wrote about sacrifice yesterday and one of the reasons for the melancholy is that I always think about Christ during Christmas Eve and New Year Eve. I cannot put a finger to the specific reason for the feeling but it is the fact that Christmas is not just about the birth of Christ but it is also the start of the redemption story that culminated in the crucifixion. I am not trying to be “Holy” about it because mixed with the knowledge of the birth and sacrifice of Christ¸ I always felt I had not live up to the “standard” that Christ had either taught or shown. I am reminded that my life is not perfect and that it will never be and that it is the grace and mercy of God that allowed me to continue on my Christian walk despite my failings.

This year though the melancholy is further exacerbated but my cancer. Don’t flame me when I say that I had never blamed God for my condition. You may not believe it but it is the truth. From the day I knew about my condition till now, it was a journey of reflection and discovery. Oh… How good God had been to me and how I had often been ungrateful when I analyse it deeply enough. I blog about the grace and mercy of God and I hope it will go some way into sending the message that God had and is always with me despite my failings and now I often grateful about it.

Why “often” and not “All the time” about been grateful? It is because there is still a long way for me to go in my journey of discovery about God and for me to fully allow Him to change me as there are still recesses in my life that has not been brought before Him.

It is also a time to reflect on the good things too. I may sound like a broken record but God had taught me to be grateful and I will continue to write about it even though I may have repeated these more than once.

I think about Josie and how she had stood by me ever since our marriage and more so now.

I think about Nathan and I think how God had been good to Josie and me for giving him to us.

I think about my cancer and chemotherapy and how God had sustained me.

I think about my mother and how despite her weak frame, is taking care of me as any loving mother would although there are time of tensions as some mother/son relationship are.

I think about the support and joy from Josie’s family.

I think about the extended family (friends that are very close to us so much so that I call them family) that supported me and upheld me.

I think about the friends around me that lend their encouragement and those that went the extra mile with their provisions and stuff they either prepared or brought for me.

I think about the people in church, the clergy, staff and fellow church member for their prayer, the clergy and pastoral staff that arrange for communion before every chemotherapy session.

My work place for their support as well.

I will probably say all these things again come New Year’s Eve or New Year day but indulge me this day, on the eve of the remembrance of Christ’s birth that it is never too much or too often to continue to give thanks and to acknowledge those who stood by me.

Today, not only do I trust Him but I also entrust my life and those around me to Him.

Have A Blessed Christmas.

Sacrifices

2 more days and we will be celebrating Christmas, the birth of Christ. Other than Easter, it is another significant event in the Christian calendar.

This year, strangely enough, I don’t “feel” anything significant about Christmas and I am not too sure why initially. After thinking about it, I would say that it is because of the journey that I am on, the present of Christ in my life had become more important than celebrating the day that He was born. His birth may be important traditionally or historically and I will continue to celebrate it in remembrance of the sacrifice that He had made in becoming man and dying on the cross. However, His presence in our life, my life bears witness to His birth and death and that to me is probably the more significant reason for celebrating and not just on 2 specific day of the year but on a daily basis.

This particular blog entry is also a kind of confession as the New Year is coming and traditionally, we reflect on the past year and make resolution(s) for the New Year.

An incident happened today that really bothered me. I won’t reveal the details out of “shame” but Josie knows what it is as she was there. Essentially I did something I should not have done and could easily not have done it but I did it anyway. When I had done it, I had actually psyched myself beforehand to do it.

I may blog about God, Christ, love, grace, etc but there are still a lot of things in my life that needs changing. I am not perfect and still very far from it. Anger management is probably high on the list of things I need to work on including my aggressive style of driving since it makes Josie really uncomfortable.

So… I will remember Christ, His birth and His sacrifice on the cross, remember it daily and not just during Christmas and Easter. In remember His sacrifice, remember also to sacrifice myself as living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is my spiritual service of worship (Roman 12:1)

In know all these but they were never high on the “serious” scale until I was diagnosed with cancer. Life’s perspective really does change and having to sacrifice some of the “nice” things in life proves to be a good training in what it means to make sacrifices for God.

Maybe it is also God’s reminder to me concerning the above that my next chemotherapy is on New Year’s eve, a reminder that He is with me as I cross into a new year.

He provides, He takes away but He stood by me and In Him I Trust.

Life’s Little Things

The last few days brought new meaning to life’s little things for me.

Josie recently celebrated her birthday and due to my chemotherapy, we could not really celebrate her birthday on the actual day itself but we managed to have lunch on Friday (21^st Dec) at a friend’s French restaurant who is also chef of the restaurant. Needless to say, we had a wonderful time and the food was excellent and I’m saying this not because the restaurant belongs to a friend but because the food is really good. The last 3 times I was there (twice I was just visiting to collect or pass some stuff), the restaurant was full and I mean not only was the restaurant simply fully booked, all the seats were occupied!! Anyway, at the end of lunch, I asked for the bill and was presented with an empty folder, i.e. the lunch was a treat from the owner/chef and her wife because it was also a gift for Josie’s birthday. Knowing my condition, I was given certain treat like instead of the regular starters on the menu, a special pasta (home-made) was served that is in my personal opinion one of the best pasta I ever had and the sauce was excellent. Given a chance, I could and would easily have had another 3 to 4 more portions of the pasta except that my blood sugar would hit the roof because of the carbohydrate in the pasta.

By the way, I had started a new blog (http://davidyuefavoritemakan.blogspot.sg/) listing my personal favorite makan places and hawker stalls. The blog is not meant to list “the best” but “my favorite”. There are very few entries in the blog for now. This French restaurant is listed there.

On Saturday night, 2 of Josie’s good friend had also invited us for dinner and we ate at an Italian restaurant at MBS. The restaurant was really nice in terms of the ambiance, food and services. Again, we had a good time with excellent food, company of friends and the exchange of gifts. Josie received a jacket that I have to say that it is really very nice jacket. I got a belt, a very good and expensive one. On the way home, I reminded Josie of what I had told her regarding one of the things that I would buy when I am well and it is a good and expensive belt. I don’t know if it is prophetic or just a coincident but this belt do tell me that God had used Josie’s friend’s to send a message to me, that He is watching over me and granted my desire in advance of my own planning.

The last 2 days were also difficult time for Josie in her office because of a current situation but in the midst of the situation, God had allowed these 2 events, the lunch on Friday and the dinner on Saturday to lift her spirit.

In my last blog “What I know and what I believe”, I wrote about the decision to remain in TTSH for my treatment. Guess what? On the next day after I wrote the blog, I received a called from a former colleague in TTSH asking me how I am and this person is also the Nurse Manager in charge of the Operating Theater. We spoke for a while and again, it could be God’s providence or it could just be a coincident but for me, it reinforces the sense that God is with me and guiding me along a certain path. By the way, this person don't read my blog and so did not call me because of what I had posted.

Why am I writing these “little” things, things that some folks would post on Facebook?

These little things showed me that God is with us, not just in the “big” things but also in the little things in our life and on reflection, there are many little things (some not so little or small) that I can talked about like:

·         The small pat on the back from folks who are concerned.

·         The little words of encouragement.

·         The extra opportunity to spend with Nathan

·         The firm support from family

·         The strong support from friends

·         The unseen support from bosses and colleagues

·         The providence in financial stability

·         The time available to blog

I looked back and on reflection, there were many instances where God really showed himself although on many occasions, the manifestation is so subtle that we do not notice it. God don’t intrude but He is always there, He will not barge in but will always enter when we open our hearts to him.

Relook and reflect on the past, recount the occasions where you think God might be there. I bet you will be surprise by the number of times God had manifested Himself but we never really took notice of it.

He is with me and He made His presence known to me. I don’t hear or see Him but He was always there if we choose to take notice of Him and so, In God I Trust.

What I know and what I believe

Josie regularly brings Nathan out in the evening just to keep him occupied and allow my mother to have a break. She takes the MRT to either NEX or City Square. I had gone with her to NEX before but today is the first time that I went to City Square with her and Nathan in the evening.

Nathan had a good time in Toy-R-us which were a relieved for me because I would not have known how to keep him occupied for 1+ hour. Anyway, we ended up in Burger King to sit down and have some refreshment and we talked.

One of the things that we spoke about was where to have my surgery when surgery is possible. Currently, I am receiving my all my medical treatments in TTSH as all my doctors are there for General Medicine (Hypertension, hyper-cholesterol, diabetes), Oncology and Surgery. The family though would prefer that I have my surgery in National Cancer Centre (NCCS).

Various options were discussed and certain decisions were made. One of them was made earlier on to have my chemotherapy done in TTSH as:

1)      All doctors are in TTSH and needed inter-clinical discipline to manage my case

2)      TTSH is closer to home and travelling is more convenient.

The difficult choice is concerning surgery. Anyway, to cut the long story short, the decision is to remain where I am now unless God has a very clear indication of where I should go for my surgery. The decision was derived based on the fact that we had handed the entire situation to God.  If I truly trust and have faith in Him and declare His sovereignty over my life, then He will in His sovereign ways take care of me wherever I am. If God chooses, I can be in the worst hospital in the world and I will still be able to be healed through whoever God had put in charge of my physical treatment and healing. Using a secular phrase, it is a “leap of faith”.

Putting myself and reading the above paragraph from a 3^rd person perspective, I can’t help but think it could be perceived as condescending. For those that think that I have been condescending, I make no apology here though. It was a difficult journey reaching where I am today as far as trust and faith in God is concerned. It really took this terrible disease to make me realise that what I know and believe in previously were not fully internalized and entrenched although I know what I know and believe what I believed in.

I know this… In God I Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Oncologist Appointment Updates

Saw the Oncologist today as part of the regular follow-up and had some blood test done this morning for the follow-up. God is indeed Good as the blood test result was positive considering that I had just completed my seventh chemotherapy cycle last week.

When you read my report, you have to note that my chemotherapy was done only last week and not 2 or 3 weeks ago:

a)    The red blood count is hovering around the same region as before and this is good, i.e. the number at least did not drop.

b)    The platelet count is 71.  The Oncologist says it is a good sign that the numbers did not drop far below last week’s result considering that I had just underwent chemotherapy which normally would be the case.

c)    One of the numbers for the liver was elevated but within the normal range. The Oncologist is not sure what to make of it as it could be due to the chemotherapy and thus need to monitor and see what the result is like during the next blood test.

d)    The white cell count is also good considering that it was only 4 days since I had the booster jab.

e)     Explained to the Oncologist about me stopping the anti-nausea medication and he was inclined towards my suggestion and cut down these medication and he is also giving me one alternative to help with the queasiness.

f)     As to whether the chemotherapy cycle should be spread over 2 weeks or 3 weeks, the Oncologist suggestion was to monitor my blood works and decide accordingly.

Initially, there was a little bit of scare as I received a call at about 2:30pm (my appointment was at 4pm) telling me that the Oncologist wanted to see me early as the blood result was out. I had thought that there must be some “problem” with the test result but it turns out that it is just a routine call and scheduling since the test result is already out.

No bad news… All is well and In God I Trust!

In God I Trust: A Revisitation

When I started this blog site, there were a couple of guidelines that I gave myself and prime among these are:

1)      Leaving names out but there always hints as to who the folks are and

2)      Being apolitical

In light of the massacre in Connecticut, USA, it was kind of hard not to write anything as I have very strong feelings about what had happened and most of them are not positive about American society and ideals as a whole. OK, this is about as much as I will comment directly on the massacre and trying to be non-political about it.

I am all worked up because every lifes are important and when I heard and read about the massacre, I immediately thought about Nathan, about what kind of world will he be growing up in and morbidly, thought about what would I do if Nathan was one of those killed in the massacre? I won’t go into details because some of my thoughts were not pleasant and some are downright unchristian.

I always sign off my blog with “In God I Trust” or variation of it and together with the massacre, it reminded me that printed on the back of the US One Dollar bill are also the words “In God We Trust”. Now, when I say “In God I Trust”, it also means that I placed God in a position of honor because you don’t place your life in someone else's care if you do not have implicit trust in that person and in this case, God. Honestly, if not for my cancer, I would not have arrived at such a conclusion because life was good and when life was good, God’s position in my life was diminished.

What does it mean to trust in God?

There are various definitions of “Trust” and if I were to piece them together (using references from dictionary.com), it would be: “to believe and have confidence in, such that we can expect, hope and depend on confidently without fear or apprehension”.

This is God; In Him I can believe and have confidence, such that I can be expectant, hoping and dependent confidently in and on Him without having to fear or feel apprehensive.

In the last one week, I admit that I had almost lost confidence in God because of the physical weakness of the body.  The 7^th chemotherapy cycle was by far the worse cycle so far in terms of feeling awful physically but I may have contributed to it by skipping the anti-nausea medication after the 3^rd day (supposed to be on anti-nausea medication for 5 days). It was something that I had to chide myself on as it meant that I had lost trust in God. I am not trying to get sympathy by saying this but going for cell group’s Christmas gathering on Saturday was actually a challenge because I was actually feeling queasy. However, I’m glad that I had gone because it was a good gathering (read my previous blog entry).

I have to be strong, not just for myself but for God, for Josie and Nathan.

Felt a lot better on Sunday. I guess the body had sort of “recovered” and the blood sugar level was a lot easier to manage since I had “skipped” the anti-nausea medication. Had a close look at myself in the mirror and realized that not only had I gained weight in terms of fat but it looked like I had gained some muscle mass. Have a blood test on Monday. Hope the readings are in the positive regions especially for red count and platelet count.

On trusting God and Jesus, where are you when it comes to trusting Him? Very often, we hear of people saying that they pray to God and that they trust Him but I really wonder, do you? I am not judging anyone here because the question is directed at me and why I wonder was also because when I was well, I often said that I trust in God. However, on reflection, it seems that I am only paying lip service more than I am truthful about it. Going by my own definition, it would be difficult for me to say that I trust God if I don’t subscribed whole-heartedly to the same definition.

There is also a phrase we sometime say: “God is good all the time and all the time God is good”. Again, as a confession, I used to be very hesitant and uncomfortable in repeating or saying the phrase because if we truly believe it, then God is good ALL THE TIME and if I relates it to my trust in God, then ALL THE TIME He is good. The implication here is that there is no pre-condition to this statement. He is good not because he gave us prosperity, health, wealth, healing, fame, good looks, perfect partner, good exam results, etc, etc.

He is Good because He is Good… All the time... FULL STOP!!

In God I Trust.

Cell Group’s Christmas Get-Together

Today, our cell group had our Christmas get-together. I’m not going to call this gathering a party because in essence, it is not a party, it is gathering of friends and family to celebrate (in advance) one of the most significant moments in the history of this earth, the birth of Christ.

In the past, the cell group had organised Christmas around bringing people to the cell, trying to get people to integrate, have some evangelism but this year, we had decided to go slightly different. I have to confess that the idea first came to me to have a gathering instead and after discussing with other member of cell, to use my own quote, “Let's go back to the root and celebrate Christmas as a family in Christ and enjoy each others' company.”

It may seem somewhat selfish of me but having experienced what I had experienced in that last few months, nothing is more important to me than those that is around me other than God. This gathering then to me was a great success as there was no stress over what to do, the food, the gifts, who to invite but we did have 2 new families and a colleague of a member joining us for the gathering. We all just bring food, gathered around the table to enjoy the food, enjoy each others’ company and have the chit chat.  There are lots of children now and there are no gifts for the adults, the only gifts handed out are for the children and how adorable they all are.

I believe everyone enjoyed the evening and so did I. God is still good to me, having placed me in this cell. You can feel the warmth, the closeness and the openness, the quintessential definition in my opinion of a FAMILY.  

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment #03

Hmm… skipping the anti-nausea medication may not be such a good decision after all. Feeling quite queasy for the last 2 days but blood sugar levels was good. So, it is a toss-up but I think “feeling-better” is preferable as I can control the blood sugar level with insulin.

On the 4^th day of my chemotherapy cycle, I have to inject a drug to boost my white blood cells production. I was warned that I might get some aches due to the action of the drug and I did not experience the aches in the first 4 cycles, but had them in the last 3. The current one is more obvious, my whole back is aching and it is like those aches you get when you have the flu.

Platelet level is probable dropping as I’m getting bruises where I am injecting my insulin. I’m also getting more tired and taking longer naps.

The body is getting weaker but God is my strength.

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment #02

Got the pump disconnected today and it was uneventful.

Was feeling under the weather but found out by accident that the anti-nausea pills was actually adding to my nausea rather than helping and so I am skipping the anti-nausea pills for now and pop them only if the nausea comes back.

Stopping the anti-nausea pill will help with regards to the blood sugar spike as it will mean that there is no steroids in my system that causes the sugar spike. Oh… switching to a new insulin injection regime helps too in controlling my blood sugar but doc is advising me not to go overboard as I may end up obese.

Nathan is getting more active and demanding more attention but always hard to give him time during the chemo days. Putting him in playgroup is hard too as they tend to bring illness home and I cannot afford to get sick.

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment #01

I’m feeling much better this morning after a good night sleep. Restricted the amount of food I took for supper and that help controlled my sugar spike.

Already showing sights of the low platelet count but the bruises I have from a few bumps here and there. I got to be extra careful too about the higher numbers of mosquitoes as it is the rainy season. Placed insect repellent all over the house but does not seem to help. Might consider getting the mosquitoes repelling incense as experiences from the army days shows that it seem to work and I will head to Jalan Sultan to get the safety incense holder. Will help Nathan too as his skin is sensitive to mosquitoes bite and always get that big swelling that takes about 3 to 4 days to subside and about 2 weeks to fully heal.

A little dehydrated this morning and trying to replenish fluid in the body. I am talking Helmig’s Curcumin drink just to add flavor to the water. I got it not for its health benefit but because it taste good and uses artificial sweetener instead of sugar. Here’s the web-link if you are interested (http://www.helmigs.com/products.php?products=8). You can get the item in NTUC. Their Noni drinks taste quite good too but they are manufactured in Indonesia… Hmm…

In God I Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment #01

Underwent Cycle #07 of chemotherapy today. The platelet count is still low at 78 but the duty oncologist allowed the therapy to proceed as he says that the platelet count is on the upswing. I will have to be careful about getting cut, bumps and bruises as the upswing in platelet count may stop due to the therapy today. It should not get too low until it hits the the dangerous level but I got to be careful none the less.   

Nothing special to report about the therapy today but is when I got home that things took a sort of down turn. Before I carry on, don’t worry, nothing serious happened. I just feel under the weather after reaching home, probably the worse I felt so far. I still can keep the food down but the “unwell” feeling a just a sort of “general” feeling, nothing I can put a finger on.

In God I Trust.

In God I Trust

Tomorrow…

If all goes well and my platelet count I up (i.e. >90), I will be undergoing my 7^th cycle of chemotherapy. As far as my treatment is concerned, every delay always depresses me and so I am hoping for good news tomorrow. 

I have an earlier blog entry entitled “In God We Trust”.  This blog though is entitled “In God I Trust”. It is a reproduction of the article/profile contributed by me to the church’s quarterly magazine (in Blue Text). I am supposed to seek permission to reproduce the article but I’m guessing it should be alright since it was contributed by me. I will still ask for permission though.

The draft article was submitted on 15^th October. Having read through the article and thinking about it, I probably would have contributed an article that is slightly different having another 1+ months worth of experiences going through chemotherapy and communication with friends and family.

I will be providing an alternative if the article was to be written today (in Red Text).

In God I Trust

When I was asked to write a testimony for the Chorus, I felt that I was given a privilege and then I thought, what am I going to write that would form a testimony and help encourage people?

I was diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer (Adenocarcinoma) in June this year. It is one of those cancers that is more difficult to treat as it is usually discovered in the late stage. In my case the tumor had spread to the liver and part of the small intestine. Surgery was ruled out due to the spread around the pancreas region and chemotherapy started on 22nd August.

How terrible is this cancer? Even the oncologist described the treatment as “palliative”. In other words, it is only meant to extend and improve my quality of life. Usually from the time of diagnosis, mean life expectancy is about 22 months; it could longer and could be shorter.

During this period, God has been good to me. There was tremendous support from Josie’s family, friends, cell group and some members from COR. I know there are prayer warriors out there praying for me, Josie and Nathan unceasingly. My work place was also generous and I was told not to worry about work and to rest. They hired a temporary Project Manager (a recently retired colleague) to fill the gap and I was allowed to work from home.

I was given time to do some of the things I did not have time for in the past and that is journaling. I was never a fan of social media like Facebook or Twitter but this cancer caused me to start blogging as it would be easier for friends and concerned ones to follow my treatment and it served as a way for me to share my thoughts. This is still the furthest I would go in terms of social media because I strongly believe that relationships are personal and social media takes away that intimacy with an excuse to say that “I’ve kept in touch with friends”.

I have posted many of my thoughts on my blog and some people have said that it encouraged them. If that is the case, the blog has served part of its purpose. I always end my blog with “In God I Trust” or something similar because it is the state that I am in, there is really nothing else except to trust in God. Canon Daniel Tong spoke on Luke 6:12-19 on 14^th October. On the point of verse 19 where it says that “All the people were trying to touch Him, for power was coming from Him and healing them all,” Canon Tong added that reality is not

that at all (paraphrased).

On my part, not getting healed is not a reason for losing faith in God. I may not know if I truly will be healed or live to see Nathan reach his 21st birthday, but I believe and I continue to ask. I believe in God the Father, who gives the best for His children. In the weeks since chemotherapy started, despite the side effects from the treatment, I have also had some of my best days because of the love I’ve felt from those who stood by me, especially Josie.

In God I Trust (Alternate)

When I was asked to write a testimony for the Chorus, I felt that I was given a privilege and then I thought, what am I going to write that would form a testimony and help encourage people?

I was diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer (Adenocarcinoma) in June this year. It is one of those cancers that is more difficult to treat as it is usually discovered in the late stage. In my case the tumor had spread to the liver and part of the small intestine. Surgery was ruled out due to the spread around the pancreas region and chemotherapy started on 22nd August.

How terrible is this cancer? Even the oncologist described the treatment as “palliative”. In other words, it is only meant to extend and improve my quality of life. Usually from the time of diagnosis, mean life expectancy is about 22 months; it could longer and could be shorter.

During this period, God has been good to me. There was tremendous support from Josie’s family, friends, cell group and some members from COR. I know there are prayer warriors out there praying for me, Josie and Nathan unceasingly. My work place was also generous and I was told not to worry about work and to rest. They hired a temporary Project Manager (a recently retired colleague) to fill the gap and I was allowed to work from home. Last Friday, I had gone but to the office and said "hello" and was greeted warmly by those in the office.

I was given time to do some of the things I did not have time for in the past and that is journaling. I started a blog (http://davidyuejourney.blogspot.sg/) as it would be easier for friends and concerned ones to follow my treatment and it also served as a way for me to share my thoughts. I have family, friends and others coming up or emailing me to tell me that they read my blog and that it encouraged them or set them thinking on some of things I had written. Therefore, my blog had served its purpose. For that, I am very encouraged to continue to blog.

I always end my blog with “In God I Trust” or something similar because it is the state that I am in, there is really nothing else for me to cling onto except to trust in God. My Vicar spoke from Luke 6:12-19 on 14^th October. In verse 19 where it says that “All the people were trying to touch Him, for power was coming from Him and healing them all,” Paraphrasing what Vicar had said, in reality, some healings takes place as a process and this is what is happening to me. I did not experienced the instantaneous miraculous healing but God is working in me, the cancer had regressed in the liver, the tumor had not grown any bigger, I am staring to gain weight, I still have my hair although I had also lost a lot of it.

For me, not getting healed is not a reason for losing faith in God. I may not know if I truly will be healed or live to see Nathan reach his 21st birth, but I believe and I will continue to ask, to believe in God the Father, who gives the best for His children. In the months since chemotherapy started, despite the side effects from the treatment, I have also had some of my best days because of the love I’ve felt from those who stood by me, especially Josie.

In God I Trust

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment #02

Another week is passing, seem like time flies even when there is really not much things to do.

This week, received one of those mass email from one of the bosses stating there will be some organizational restructuring and that 4% of the people in the ASEAN region will be affected. I had spoken with some colleagues and it does not seem like my position will be affected but you never know until the final announcement is made sometime in March 2013.
Somehow, I cannot help but to be a little worried considering my condition.

On the personal level, I have been working on settling personal admin like the Will, Insurances, Power of Attorney, Medical Claims, etc, etc. Should have everything settled before Christmas except for the regular medical claims for my therapy and clinical consultations. It just looks like there is insufficient time and one week is almost past and I be going for my postponed chemotherapy cycle #07.

Hopefully, the platelet level would go up.  Don’t really want to have any further delay for the therapy. As I had mentioned in one of my earlier blog, my healing is a process and if therapy cannot proceed, there is no hope. As long as I can continue with my therapy, there will be hope. Of course my hope is and continued to be in God and Jesus regardless of the therapy process. He had carried me thus far and He will continue to carry me.

In Him I Trust implicitly

Old Friends

So far, for my blog entries, I have tried as far as possible to steer away from controversy and it is from this perspective that I had left out names. For those within the “circle”, you would know whom I were referring to in my entries. I will continue to strive to be as “apolitical” in my entries as possible but often it is hard because of past “bad” experiences or “hard” feelings. I am human none the less but that is not an excuse but an honest confession of sort of my human frailty.

You might be wondering why I am saying all these things and it is because over the last 2 days, I had met 2 old friends that provided such joy and encouragement but at the same time a reminded me of what I had gone through in the past. Wish I could write about the actual circumstances and say who exactly I am referring to but that’s not the point and the direction I wish to go. To forgive is also to forget and not bearing grudges also mean letting go of the hurt.

On Wednesday, I had visited an old friend and her husband’s pastry shop at No. 7 Ang Siang Hill (near Club Street). I must say that they make really beautiful cakes but I was not able to try any on them because I just had lunch and I cannot afford the sugar rush from the cake(s). The husband was very nice and mentioned that he went through my blogs and prayed for me. He mentioned about visualizing me been old or saw me growing old and I witness my son’s graduation. I take it as a prophetic word and will carry it with me.

Singapore is really such a small place as it so happened that one of Josie’s good friend and husband (who is a French chef) patronises this shop.

On Thursday night, I met another old friends and her husband that I literally had not seen for the last 14 years. They have 2 boys, aged 9 and 3. For both set of friends, found out that they got to know about my condition from the Facebook entry of another friend, mother of my god-daughter and god-son. For this couple, we talked and we reminiscence about the past, spoke about who is who and where these people are now. She is much more connected and knows more than me so it was refreshing to know who is doing what or where they are now.

In both instances, there were a little hesitation about meeting because I do not know how the meeting might turn out but fortunately it turned out to be pleasant, refreshing and joyous, knowing that there are old friends who are still concerned despite the years of not having seen each other.

Today, I went back to the office as it was “Bring Your Little Ones To Work” day and I had not met a lot of my colleagues since I started my therapy and so I thought today will be a good day to visit but sigh… a lot of my colleagues are not in the office as many were either on leave or had taken off days. Those colleagues that were still in the office who knew me were very warm and asked how I was doing.  It was so refreshing to meet these colleagues again and wish I could be back to work as soon as possible.

Relationship is such treasured thing.  I kept saying that we need to value our family and friends and possibly some close colleagues for they are the ones who will see and carry you through difficult time. It may be oxymoronic to say this in light of my Christian faith but we need to choose our friends carefully for when you find one that is true to you and is close to your heart and vice versa, you would have found something that is more precious than gold or diamond. There is a song the liken God to being more precious than diamond, gold or silver but I say that the family and friends that God gave is also equally or if not more precious than diamond, gold or silver. You don’t go out and buy or sell your family and friends, they are either gifts or they are cultivated and like pearl, cultivation of friendship takes time, patience and tender care, it cannot be rushed.

Love your family, love your friends and love those around you. God gave the example of the kind of love He has for us and exhort to love unconditionally.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (NKJV)

⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

Above all, love God because if you call yourself a Christian are not able to love God, how then can you say that you those around you.  God has summarised His commandment into 2 concise commands.

Matthew 22:35-40 (NASB)

³⁵ One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, ³⁶ “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” ³⁷ And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the great and foremost commandment. ³⁹ The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”

Love God and love your neighbor… hmm…

Because of love, I had also written an email to the church staff that is taking care of the Sunday Service’s Worship team. Not sure if I should be calling him “worship pastor”. Anyway, I was trying to be as open as possible with this church staff member and hoped that what I had written will not be taken negatively but will form the basis of bonding and future open sharing.

I leave you with these thoughts.  Think about your relationship with God and those around you.

In God I Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment / Postponement (Updated)

Sigh… Not possible to proceed with chemotherapy today. A little upset but then I believe God once again has His plan and there is no worry with regards to the postponement.

The platelet count had dropped to 63, the lowest so far. The previous low was 66.  During the next appointment with the oncologist, I may suggest that the therapy cycle be changed to 3 weeks instead of 2 weeks. The final call still belongs to the oncologist though.

Today’s postponement also gave me an opportunity to spend time with Josie that is getting more difficult to come by now that Nathan is demanding more attention from Josie. Additionally, it gave me an opportunity to share with Josie my mindset concerning God, His sovereignty, His will, His faithfulness, His lovingkindness, how it is everlasting and to all generation. Josie also shared with me about her thoughts and how it was difficult for her to initially accept my stand but she also realized why I believe what I believe and received her support as my wife and companion. Anyway, this is also the topic for another blog, akan datang...

There are friends who are concerned and would like to meet up with me. I guess this 1 week period would be an opportunity to catch up with old friends but I am also mindful that I need to rest to build up strength and allow the body to replenish the platelets.

Double cheers!!!

In God I Trust

In God We Trust / Gathering of Friends and Prayer

Last night, a gathering was organised by our God-family and a few friends to come together to have fellowship and also to pray for me and my treatment. Some were not able to make and we miss their presence. By coincident, I am halfway through my treatment cycles.

We had a good time sharing both food and chit chat.

Why am I sharing these?

Because more than once, I am told I am loved and this event showcases that love.

A leaflet was printed for the occasion and on the cover is printed my signature for my blog.