When I started this blog site, there were a couple of guidelines that I gave myself and prime among these are:
1) Leaving names out but there always hints as to who the folks are and
2) Being apolitical
In light of the massacre in Connecticut, USA, it was kind of hard not to write anything as I have very strong feelings about what had happened and most of them are not positive about American society and ideals as a whole. OK, this is about as much as I will comment directly on the massacre and trying to be non-political about it.
I am all worked up because every lifes are important and when I heard and read about the massacre, I immediately thought about Nathan, about what kind of world will he be growing up in and morbidly, thought about what would I do if Nathan was one of those killed in the massacre? I won’t go into details because some of my thoughts were not pleasant and some are downright unchristian.
I always sign off my blog with “In God I Trust” or variation of it and together with the massacre, it reminded me that printed on the back of the US One Dollar bill are also the words “In God We Trust”. Now, when I say “In God I Trust”, it also means that I placed God in a position of honor because you don’t place your life in someone else's care if you do not have implicit trust in that person and in this case, God. Honestly, if not for my cancer, I would not have arrived at such a conclusion because life was good and when life was good, God’s position in my life was diminished.
What does it mean to trust in God?
There are various definitions of “Trust” and if I were to piece them together (using references from dictionary.com), it would be: “to believe and have confidence in, such that we can expect, hope and depend on confidently without fear or apprehension”.
This is God; In Him I can believe and have confidence, such that I can be expectant, hoping and dependent confidently in and on Him without having to fear or feel apprehensive.
In the last one week, I admit that I had almost lost confidence in God because of the physical weakness of the body. The 7th chemotherapy cycle was by far the worse cycle so far in terms of feeling awful physically but I may have contributed to it by skipping the anti-nausea medication after the 3rd day (supposed to be on anti-nausea medication for 5 days). It was something that I had to chide myself on as it meant that I had lost trust in God. I am not trying to get sympathy by saying this but going for cell group’s Christmas gathering on Saturday was actually a challenge because I was actually feeling queasy. However, I’m glad that I had gone because it was a good gathering (read my previous blog entry).
I have to be strong, not just for myself but for God, for Josie and Nathan.
Felt a lot better on Sunday. I guess the body had sort of “recovered” and the blood sugar level was a lot easier to manage since I had “skipped” the anti-nausea medication. Had a close look at myself in the mirror and realized that not only had I gained weight in terms of fat but it looked like I had gained some muscle mass. Have a blood test on Monday. Hope the readings are in the positive regions especially for red count and platelet count.
On trusting God and Jesus, where are you when it comes to trusting Him? Very often, we hear of people saying that they pray to God and that they trust Him but I really wonder, do you? I am not judging anyone here because the question is directed at me and why I wonder was also because when I was well, I often said that I trust in God. However, on reflection, it seems that I am only paying lip service more than I am truthful about it. Going by my own definition, it would be difficult for me to say that I trust God if I don’t subscribed whole-heartedly to the same definition.
There is also a phrase we sometime say: “God is good all the time and all the time God is good”. Again, as a confession, I used to be very hesitant and uncomfortable in repeating or saying the phrase because if we truly believe it, then God is good ALL THE TIME and if I relates it to my trust in God, then ALL THE TIME He is good. The implication here is that there is no pre-condition to this statement. He is good not because he gave us prosperity, health, wealth, healing, fame, good looks, perfect partner, good exam results, etc, etc.
He is Good because He is Good… All the time... FULL STOP!!
In God I Trust.
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