Friday, 31 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #32

Finally… it’s all over. Completed the last radiotherapy session today and what a relieved. It was also a relieved for Josie. At least now I can look forward to some “real” rest and recuperation. The last 2 days had really been a challenge for me with the ups and downs all happening within the same day.

I will be having a follow-up appointment with my Rad-Oncologist on 8th July. Prior to that, I have a follow-up with my Med-Oncologist on 10th June. Not sure when they will schedule me for a scan to check on the efficacy of the concurrent radio and chemotherapy.

For those who had been following my progress, I thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. For those who had prayed, I thank you for faithfulness and prayer. Please continue to uphold Josie, Nathan, my mom and me.

I thank God for watching over us and helping us through this period.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Thursday, 30 May 2013

A Broken Spirit

Yesterday, Vicar celebrated communion for us again. It is always something that I and Josie look forward to. I am putting myself out on a limb today by sharing something that would probably put me in a vulnerable position.

Recently, I found myself to be quite emotional and yesterday, prior to the communion there was a short worship and part-way through the worship, I could not help myself and started crying. It was a long hard cry and I do not recall when I had shed as much tears as I had yesterday. In fact, I find myself crying a lot recently whenever I enter into worship regardless whether it is in church or in the short communion. I asked what is all this about and the word that came to be was “A Broken Spirit”.

In my case, the specific references for the broken spirit were:

Psalm 34:18 (NASB)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 51:17 (NASB)
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

I guess you can say that I take comfort in my current state of brokenness as this is not about a spirit that was broken without hope but it is about a spirit broken before God in yielded-ness to Him. Therefore, the tears I shed, I had shed for Him and for the grace and mercies that He had shown me. Why you might ask? Because it has been 10 months since I received news of my cancer and the doctor told me that without treatment, I would only have 6 to 9 months to live. Therefore, I had crossed a milestone as the Lord and carried me beyond what the doctor said I would have although it was perhaps through the various treatments that my life was extended. Also my treatments were always with relatively few or less severe side effects as compared to most other patients with the same conditions or undergoing the same treatment as me.

Psalm 34:18 and Psalm 51:17 were quoted often enough but how many truly understand the meaning of broken-ness before the Lord and what is a broken and a contrite heart? I am not trying to be self-righteous and claim true knowledge in this respect but I know the love that God has for me and I know that I am broken before Him and this much I take consolation in, no more no less. The tears I shed therefore I shed readily to Him and for Him because He had brought me low so that I would put aside my pride and let Him be Him.

I still pray that “this cup” could be taken away from me but as I had said before, not my will be done but His will and His will alone on this earth and in heaven.

O what grace that save a wretch like me
What love and mercy pour out freely for me
The price that was paid without demand
But demand of my life it had
I thus yield to Him my all in all.

Not quite original but it is from my heart.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #29 to #31

Tomorrow will be my last radiotherapy session and concurrently I will cease the chemotherapy until the next review. It has been a long 6 weeks and the last two weeks was very tough for me with pain in both the upper and lower abdominal area. Nathan and Josie were sick for part of these periods and this added pressure to Josie as she has to bear the burden of taking care of Nathan and I could not rest well during those days that Nathan was at home and I also have to worry about catch the cough from him.

In the last 2 weeks, sleep was hard to come by and I had to up the morphine dosage so that I can sleep. Because of the pain, I don’t really feel like eating but I try to anyway just to keep the energy lever up but I started to lose some weight.

You can see from this picture that the cuticle and skin around the fingernails turned dark from the chemotherapy drugs.
















What you are seeing is not a dirty feet. The dark areas are also due to the chemotherapy drugs and these areas are pressure sensitive and are somewhat numb with very slight pain when I put pressure on it.
















Not everything was gloomy as Josie can testify to. I did get the cough but it was mild. The doctors were quite pleased with my progress as I showed relatively little or not so severe signs of the side effects. At least after tomorrow, I can look forward to having “rest” and hopefully the body will recover from the radio and chemotherapy.

Stand with me and Josie. Pray that I’ll recover my strength soon. I normally would not admit it but it was really difficult for me physically although I try not to show it. Two nights ago, I cried to God and almost cried myself to sleep because of the discomfort. Emotionally, I find it difficult to see Josie having to bear a greater burden.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Monday, 27 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #28

This week will be the last week of my radiotherapy. The journey had not been easy especially in the last 2 weeks feeling the lethargy, the increase in discomfort in the abdominal area and since last Friday I’d been having spasm and cramps in my lower abdominal area. It is like the kind of pain and spasm you get when you have food poisoning or diarrhea. The overall effect is that I don’t really feel like doing anything including writing as it takes certain amount of mental faculty and effort to write anything coherent but I did anyway with a submission today to STforum , this blog entry and a mail to TTSH concerning my involvement in SARS back in 2003.

Nothing to report concerning today’s therapy. I would like to ask that you pray for an extra measure strength and tolerance this week to help me see through the entire radiotherapy.

God had carried me so far and I know that He will carry me further.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #24 to #27

I know I had not posted for the last few days. I had wanted to post on Tuesday but some of the keys on the keyboard on my notebook were faulty and I had to get it repaired by my Corporate IT folks on Wednesday. Feeling a little off on Wednesday and decided not post anything until today.

Tomorrow is a holiday followed by the weekend and so there will be no Radiotherapy until next Monday and I would have completed the entire Radiotherapy course by end of next week.

I did not mention this but when I usually have my weekly follow-up with the Rad-Oncologist, I don’t get be seen by my primary Rad-Oncologist but by a junior Rad-Oncologist and it is only occasionally that I get to see my primary Rad-Oncologist. Furthermore, for this week, my regular Rad-Oncologist was away and thus I was seen by another Rad-Oncologist that I had not seen before. Nothing really much to report as everything is again within the “parameter” of the therapy. My primary Rad-Oncologist happened to be at the Radiotherapy Centre today and I sort of stuck my head into his room and said hello. To my surprised, he asked me into his room and gave me an examination and went through my conditions with me. He is quite pleased with my progress seeing that there were relatively few side-effects or at least had milder form of the side effects. I would say that that the most irritating side effects that I am experiencing is the uncomfortable feelings around my tummy area. It is a good thing that I have this coming long weekend to recover and I have only one more week of radiotherapy to go through.

I had gained about 0.2 to 0.3 kg of weight. Not much but I guess it is better than not gaining any or worse losing more weight. It is a little hard to “force” myself to eat as beginning from from last week, I don’t go looking for food that I normally do. Perhaps the lethargy had something to do with it as well as the oral chemotherapy drug I am taking.

Nathan is recovering from his illness but he still has runny nose and coughs a bit in the middle of the night. However, he is back in school and this means that it is a lot quieter at home and I can rest a bit more. Josie is also gradually recovering from the illness that she caught from Nathan. By God’s grace I am still alright but I pray that I am not speaking too early.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Monday, 20 May 2013

The Body, The Temple

While I was warded in TTSH, I saw quite a few things about other patients that really made me angry. Not so angry such that I would “lose my mind” kind of angry but angry enough that it had been nagging at me and I just want to write about it.

I was in a ward that have patients hospitalised for various conditions that are seen by doctors from General Medicine, Gastroenterology (that’s the clinical discipline I was under), Rheumatology and Infectious Diseases. There was a patient warded for Asthma, a few for complication due to diabetes, one for dengue fever, one for gall stone, one for kidney stone, one for fever of unknown cause but not due to infection, one for fever that was finally diagnosed as cancer.

Recently, there were articles in the papers and letters in the forum page concerning the healthcare cost and integrated healthcare services but when I read all these articles and letters, rarely is there a call for patients to be responsible for their own heath, manage their own conditions so that they don’t need to come into the hospital or at least not as often as they need to be.

There was this patient who was hospitalised for a condition that I’m not aware of but who is also a diabetic but every morning and evening, he will head to the food court and buy additional food and these foods includes pastry and nonya kueh that are just so full of carbohydrate and sugars. There was another diabetic patient who was hospitalised for water retention and his legs were basically so swollen that he could not walk properly. His family will visit and bring him food that included tetra-pack drinks, pastry and strawberries, again, things that generally should be controlled because of the sugar content. The patient that was hospitalised for asthma and who is also a diabetic but he drinks about 2 bottles of beer a day, he will “disappear” for a smoke and comes back to the ward and goes on the nebulizer for his asthma…

These patients are a drain on the healthcare system especially since we were in a subsidised ward. Without taking care of their health, they would continually be hospitalised multiple times as they are not able to manage their medical conditions. Essentially they are drawing more resources in terms of monies used to subsidise their stay in the hospital, occupy beds that would otherwise be used for patient who really needs them and a drain on the hospital’s staff and resources as well.

When we as Christians talks about our body/bodies the 2 verses that are most commonly used are:

Romans 12:1 (NASB)
Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

1 Corinthians 6:19 (NASB)
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?
I guess without going too much into details, you would probably know which direction I am going with regards to this blog entry.

Before I had this cancer, I would eat whatever I want, drink whatever I want (sugary and alcoholic drinks) and in quantity as I so desired. With this cancer, everything that I consume, I have to consume with care and in moderation. Zero alcohol, less sugary food and drinks, reduce fried and oily food and no raw and no fermented food especially during chemotherapy period. In the Singapore context, needless to say, it is a tough act to follow but I have generally been a “good boy” and only indulge myself very occasionally.

Coming back to our physical bodies. If we believe that whatever we have is a gift and provision from God, then that includes our bodies regardless of what was said in Romans 12:1 and 1 Corinthians 6:19. Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters, to be mindful of your bodies if we are to offer it as a sacrifice to God, to cherish it as a gift from God and maintain its well-being as a temple of God. As a temple of God, it need to be properly maintained or else through negligence and lack of maintenance, the building (Body) comes into disrepair and would breakdown and become unfit for human habitation and much less the Holy Spirit. The examples I gave of the patients in TTSH were clear examples of the disregards for the bodies. In my younger days, I have also disregarded the body as I was a heavy drinker, drinking up to 12 pints of beer minimally in a week. I guess what is happening today is a consequence of my indulgence during my youth despite been a Christian and understanding the concept of the body been a temple of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, in a way you can say that I was disrespectful to God back then.

Most of us enjoy good food and for some the occasional drinks. I not advocating total abstinence although that may be the calling for some but in view of the calling in Romans 12:1, I would urge you to consider God before you indulge and even then in moderation.

A healthy body also means that we are able to participate in activities for the glory of God. Having cancer and undergoing therapy means that there are activities that I could not participate in or participate in a much reduced capacity. An example is that I have to forgo the annual Church Camp and thus the fellowship with fellow Christian families as I am still undergoing therapy with the uncertainty of the future therapy schedules plus my reduced physical tolerance to travel.

Is it too late to change? With God, it is never too late. As long as we seek Him and place Him first. He is always there for us and in regards to service to Him, He will grant avenues and opportunities to serve Him and in my case, without the need for expending too much energy or the need to travel a lot.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Friday, 17 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #22 and #23

I got 2 more weeks of Radiotherapy to complete.

As for the side effects, I may have spoken to a little too soon as in the last 2 days, my stomach wasn’t feeling too good. The feeling is like a mix of feeling hungry, gastric spasm, tummy ache due to food poisoning and lack of appetite when you have the flu. I still can eat and the food is staying down but the feeling is sort of awful when combined with the general lethargy. Not sure how much of these are also due to the chemotherapy drug.

Pray that the body will be able to tolerate another 2 more weeks of radio- and chemotherapy but most important of all is that therapies will be effective and the body will also continue to fight the cancer.

Nathan does not have fever anymore but he is still coughing especially at night and has a running nose. I am trying to be careful not to stay in contact with him as much as possible. Josie is still coping but as she is the one that cares directly for Nathan and she is showing signs of what Nathan is having. Pray for her that she does not fall ill. We are also monitoring Nathan as one of his classmate came down with Hand Foot and Mouth Disease (HFMD) last weekend. The school had instituted segregation this week but Nathan had not gone to school this week anyway and we are just praying that all he has is the cough and running nose.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #20 and #21

Two regular radiotherapy sessions over Tuesday and Wednesday and so there are really nothing much to report. Today was also the weekly follow-up with the Rad-Oncologist and again nothing much to report as everything were within the parameters of the therapy and in fact they were quite pleased with my progress as I am showing few if not no side effects at all.  The Rad-Oncologist confirmed that radiotherapy can make one very lethargic and thus needing more sleep. The skin around the region receiving the radiation is not showing signs of “burns” or dryness and that was good. Although I am not gaining weight, I am not losing much either and that is also good.

Today is also the second day that I am on the new pain killer dose and it seemed to be working and I feel more comfortable with lesser pain.

Nathan is still sick and was running a fever again last night and the whole of today. Praying that he will recover soon but he was a lot “slower” today and very sticky to his mother.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Monday, 13 May 2013

Cancer Warriors

Recently, there was a programme on Channel News Asia (CNA) that talks about Cancer Warriors and more specifically, cancer survivors. I happened to catch the show and somehow I got turned off.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the programme although it is indirectly an advertisement promoting Parkway Cancer Centre. The resilient of the survivors are to be commented as the treatment process is not something to be taken lightly as I very well know. I also know of a couple of cancer survivors within my workplace and in church and there was a person whom I do not know who wrote to me and who is also a cancer survivor.

So why I am I so worked out about it?

The stories of the cancer survivors a.k.a. cancer warriors in this case are probably far more palatable and are also more viable commercially. Everyone wants to hear the good stuff, the positive angles; who wants to hear about failure, about death, about defeat and the odds against surviving cancer?

If CNA had entitled the programme something like “Cancer Survivor” perhaps it would have been more acceptable to me personally but for the programme to be entitled “Cancer Warrior” and the focus is on the 2 ladies that survived does a great disservice to those who had cancer but fought on just as hard as the survivors, endured the pain, endured the sadness the family faces as they see the “warrior’s” bodies wasting away from the cancer even as they valiantly battle the dreaded disease. You might say that it is my ego speaking and in my case yes I admit it because why is “my story” who is currently fighting the disease or the stories of other warriors who lost the battle not featured?

In every battle, there is always a story worth telling except perhaps for those that had given up and was defeated from the onset. When I was last warded in TTSH, there was an elderly gentleman who had been coughing for about 2 months and was in and out of the hospital several times but the doctors were not able to determined what was wrong until his latest admission where the tests found cancer in is chest. I had a chit chat with him to try and encourage him as he moves on towards chemotherapy and there was one thing that he said that touches me. He told me that there were once his grandchildren who were fairly young who went up to him and told him that he must get well and that they will wait for him to come home. At that point he cried and told me how can he not endure the condition that he has or endure the therapy that he will be going through. He has a story and for the sake of his grandchildren he will battle on and he is a cancer warrior.

For the survivors, kudos to you and your battles and I personally know some of you. I say kudos too to those who fought just as hard but had lost the battle and I know some of these people too. Their lost did not make them any lesser as warriors but their stories is every bit as poignant as the survivors.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #19 and Med-Oncology Appointment

There was a slight delay at the radiotherapy session today but managed to finished in time for me to reach TTSH for my appointment with my Med-Oncologist.

Nothing much to report concerning the radiotherapy as it had really becomes just a routine.

Today’s appointment with my Med-Oncologist was a follow-up midway through my radiotherapy and also a review of the concurrent oral chemotherapy drug I am taking. Everything seem to be as expected except for my weight but now that my Med-Oncologist had the chance to looked at the enzymes supplement that I am taking, it was modulated to allowed me to have more small meals instead for a few large meals. I was told to take my Glucerna nutrient supplement to help boost my weight and protein intake. The dose of my pain-killer was increased and hopefully it will help as I will start on the new dose tomorrow.

I mentioned about my lethargy and that I am sleeping a lot but I was told that it is very normal for a person who is undergoing radiotherapy that for some reason it causes lethargy and nothing really to worry about. I also mentioned about the bloated/nausea feeling immediately after each radiotherapy sessions and was again told that it is also not unexpected as the region irradiated is closed to the stomach. I will try to confirm this on Wednesday when I have my weekly follow-up with the Rad-Oncologist.

If you don’t get to see or hear from me or if there is some gaps in-between days of posting on my blog, it is because of the lethargy but other than that I am coping well. Nathan is not well and was down with fever yesterday. I am always worried about this kind of situation as hopefully I don’t catch the virus from him and fall sick.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Friday, 10 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #17 and #18

There was nothing really exciting to report for the radiotherapy sessions for yesterday and today. Still feels a little nauseating immediately after the radiotherapy but it quickly wears off.

Today was a tiring day for me despite sleeping for most of the afternoon and the bloated feeling after each meal is really bothering me especially after dinner that I suspect it is due to Capecitabine.

I will be having my follow-up appointment with my Med-Oncologist on Monday. Hope there is good news and change in medication to help with the pain.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #16

Other than the radiotherapy, today is also the review day by the Rad-Oncologist. There was a lot of information that I had provided in terms of how I feel, my general conditions, pain and observations. Not much else to report as everything seems to be within the “parameter” of my therapy. My only concern is that the expression of the Rad-Oncologist is not really positive but I could be overly sensitive as Josie does not feel the same way as I do.

What was not really spoken is the fact that the radiation dose that I am receiving is on the high side but the positive side is that I am not really experiencing many side effects except that nowadays, immediately after each radiotherapy session for about half an hour I do feel a little “bloated”. “Bloated” is not the most accurate description of the feeling but it is closes that I can think of.

The pain in the abdominal area immediately where the tumor is getting more obvious and it is even more so when I press lightly on that position. One thing the Rad-Oncologist and I did agree on is the need to change the pain management regime so that I could be less reliant on the morphine and more on the Fentanyl patch. Generally I am doing alright but it is a really a topsy-turvy journey and I notice my “down” period coincide with the “expiry” of the Fentanyl patch. This is what I meant by needing to change the pain management regime. It is a little harder to get myself going and moving about because of the discomfort, pain and lethargy. It could also be due to the chemotherapy drug I am taking that is making me “slow”.

I had mentioned this before but previously as I was getting better physically, I was able to interact with Nathan but now, I am sort of in 50% shut down mode and hard to find the energy to interact with him but there are a few bright moments. When Josie and I went to pick up Nathan yesterday from the Childcare Centre, the whole class was together as it was raining heavily and most of the parents delayed picking up their kids. Nathan was playing by himself and from the window I shouted “son” and he immediately looked up as he recognised my voice despite all the cacophony. It was a heart-warming scene for me.

I have a lot of time on my hand now but I have to blank my mind out most of the time so that my thoughts don’t stray too much. I may have written much about it but often, it is hard to focus on God. It is an exercise and lifestyle that I still have to practice, to really let God be within me every single moment, to practice His presence at all time but I know He comfort me with the occasional “appearance” liked during last Sunday’s service.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #14 and #15

I had not posted any radiotherapy updates (#14) yesterday as there was really nothing “exciting” to report on and I was quite tired for the whole of yesterday and I slept for practically the whole day. Neither is there anything exciting to report on for today’s (#15) radiotherapy session.

I am taking Capecitabine, the chemotherapy drug and I am supposed to consume it in conjunction with the radiotherapy. In other word, when there is a break for radiotherapy for the weekend, I stop taking Capecitabine as well for the weekend. Not sure if the tiredness is due to the Capecitabine but I suspect that it is since I am generally “weak” and tire whenever I had my chemotherapy in the past. The good thing is that so far I have not experienced any of the nauseating side-effect of the chemotherapy drug but then I had consumed it for only the last 3 days including last Friday’s dose and may be just too early to tell.

Still trying to force myself to consume more food in terms of the quantity and supplementing it with Glucerna and I hope I would start gaining weight soon.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Sunday, 5 May 2013

Belief and Failure

A funny thing happened today that tells me that I could not really “run-away” from God and when He gives you a prompting you jolly well follow it. The question of course is whether you can recognise the prompting as having come from God? Anyway, that’s not the topic for this blog entry.

Yesterday, for some reason, I was actually prompted to write about belief and failure and the example that came to me was a scene from Star Wars that by the way is one of my favorite science fiction series and I mean not just the movies but also the books and comics. Here’s the funny thing, when we went to church this morning, the article printed on the cover page of the newsletter was “Don’t use the Force” and it was peppered with terms and comparison with the myths of Star Wars and I sort of scratch my head and look to God and say “very funny”. So here’s what I was prompted to write:

In Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, Luke Skywalker was training under Yoda on the planet Dagobah. In one of the scene, Luke’s X-Wing fighter was sinking into the bog where he sort of crash landed. Using the “Force”, Luke attempted to lift the X-Wing out of the bog but failed and proclaimed “I can’t. It’s too big.” And when Yoda in using the Force, was able to lift the X-wing free effortlessly, Luke proclaim further “I don't believe it.” and Yoda retorted “That is why you fail.”

Think about it. How often have we attempted to do something especially something for God and we failed and we proclaim that either it was too difficult or that we are not equipped or we simply did not believe that it would work in the first place? This is the part that I probably will be very controversial because with my example, I would be implying that you failed because you don’t believe. In Hebrews 11, there are a lot of examples about faith or what about Matthew 17:20 “And said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you” or Luke 17:6 “And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and be planted in the sea’; and it would obey you.”

What was also nagging at me when the prompting came was the statement that I had made in my blog entry “Journey In Faith” posted on 28 April 2013 where I said “…but I know the “better” thing that God had provided in Christ His Son and to expand it further, when Christ ascended, He sent the Holy Spirit who will strengthen and comfort me and if the Spirit be willing, my healing.” So is it true that you failed because you don’t believe? Probably… but have we not all failed at one time of another? Even the great men in Hebrews 11 had failed at one time of another in their lives. Isn’t it also why God sent His Spirit and in today’s sermon in church the biblical reference was from John 16:7-15 but I want to go off context a little from today’s sermon by just quoting John 16:7 “But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you.”

The development of faith is a process and if you had followed my blog, you will also notice that my faith in God did not come overnight. It came because of a traumatic event, it came as God slowly revealed Himself to me, it came also as I choose to surrender to Him. The question is what you would do to allow God to work in you, to assist you with the aid of the Holy Spirit to develop that faith that in turn would allow you to say you believe even to the extent that you will continue to believe “even if  He does not” (Daniel 3:17-18).

My encouragement for you is that you remain strong in the Lord especially when someone else comes along and tells you that you lack faith or that your faith is not strong enough. Trust in the Lord, trust in His grace and mercy because the words of these people only seek to destroy and put people down when the word of the Lord says in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.”

It is a very difficult journey for me and when I was writing all my posts, it comes with some trepidation because I do not know if they are biblically sound or worse, bordering on heresy. Despite all these, I put my trust in God that He will lead me, that the Holy Spirit will inspire me in my writing. Going by the number of encouraging words that I had received concerning my blog and those that said that they were encouraged by my writing then, I believe God had worked. How difficult is my journey? I weighed myself this morning and I had lost another 200g. I tried to eat and the appetite is generally good but I have difficulty eating larger quantity of food. The pain although not extreme is disturbing enough that I am tripling my night time dose of morphine so that I can get some decent sleep. However, my trust is still in God.

A couple of days ago when I was helping to prepare the chords sheets for today’s worship in church, there was a song “10,000 Reasons” by Jonas Myrin and Matt Redman. Verse 3 of the songs was something that struck a chord with me but at that time, I did not think too much about it but during worship today, the words came back and it touched me deeply when it says:
And on that day, when my strength is failing,
The end draws near, and my time has come;
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years, and then forevermore!

Or the chorus to the song “Joy of My Desire” by Jennifer Randolph that says:
I worship You in spirit and in truth.
I worship You In spirit and in truth.
There will never be a friend as dear to me as You.

I was tearing and almost burst out in unrestrained cries but I was also trying to hold back my tears. When God touched you, you will know it. Although these two verse and chorus is more like a proclamation of the feelings that is within my heart but what I felt was that God had heard me, had reached out to me, had heard my prayer from 1 Kings 8:57-59 and is comforting me.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Friday, 3 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #13

Not much news to report. The radiotherapy was a regular one, I was not late as per my appointment but I reached the Radiotherapy Centre later than usual and there were several people in front of me and so I had to wait till about 9:05 before it was my turn. Started taking my Capecitabine and since it is just the first day, nothing to report about it too.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Testimony of the Journey In Faith

In my post “Journey in Faith” posted on 28 April, I spoke about faith, hope and the promise of the things to come. I sort of remembered a while back, I had posted in “Pain in the Heart” on 12 March that there was this thing Josie mentioned about the testimony and faith and that I told myself I should write about it.

Having re-read the post “Journey in Faith”, I thought the title for the post was quite accurate because this journey of mine is not just about the battle with this cancer that I wage against on a daily basis but it is also about a journey, a journey of faith that I would say I constantly learn new things about although not on quite a daily basis but I would say often enough.

The journey is not an easy one despite what I may have written about in this blog filled often with positive news and development. When I posted “Pain in the Journey” on 10 March, one of Josie’s good friend texted me to encouraged me and one of the things she said that this was one of the darkest post I’d made. Often isn’t it true that the physical pain is not the one that will literally bring us down but it is the emotional turmoil and pain that could destroy us completely and totally. I therefore say that it is an understatement to say that God will “carry us”, He will “see us through”, “pray to Him”, etc etc… Not unless you are truly willing to give all to Him. I may profess my faith but I am a long way from absolute, total and complete surrender to Him as can be seen from my occasional anger and my report for disharmony and such. Thus I say the development of faith is a journey and it never really ends; that despite whatever pain (physical and emotional), emotional turmoil, hurts, uncertainty and fear, we really need to seek Him, to depend on Him and look towards Him for the resolution of what we cannot resolve. It is at these times that He is strong as we are weak.

Back to what Josie mentioned concerning the faith and testimony. At the point we were talking and I was talking about my perspective on “Faith” and she spoke about my “testimony” and when you add them up, it could be that my testimony in this whole journey is about faith in God. You might ask what has the earlier paragraph to do with faith and testimony of faith. In my case, it has practically everything to do with it. What is there for me to depend on at this point other than God? I know that there are medical sciences but medical science do not have an answer for all the ailments in this world. There is no definitive cure for my type of cancer especially one that is non-resectable. Who else can I depend on when I am emotionally down? I know that Josie and friends are supporting me but there is just so much that they can do physically and practically but they cannot take away what is embedded in the head, in the heart, only God can.

In short, if you had read my blog, you will know that it is a record of my journey but it is more than that, it is also about my journey in faith and my testimony to God’s goodness and faith in Him. I pray that what I had written would be a legacy, a testimony about faith and that it will lead others to a stronger faith in God, a greater trust in Him and formation of the foundation of our hope.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #12

The actual radiotherapy today was ok. There was a little hiccup with the Linear Accelerator’s computer system and a reboot had to be done before the radiotherapy could proceed and the whole process took an additional 10 minutes.

Today was also the weekly follow-up with the Rad-Oncologist. Same questions as last week like whether I feel ok, is there any nausea, is there any pain, etc? I had nothing new to report to the Rad-Oncologist except that my pain was getting slightly worse but I doubt that it is from the radiotherapy. Interestingly, I was told that the tumor may expand a little before the tumor cells starts to die. I had also told him that I was supposed to call TTSH to arrange for my oral chemotherapy. He was neutral to the chemotherapy and I just have to report to him if there are any side-effects.

Called TTSH’s Chemotherapy Clinic early in the afternoon and was told that the prescription for the oral chemo-drug was ready but I was told to go to the clinic too to have my Porta-Cath port flushed. I was prescribed Capecitabine and I am to consume the drug twice a day and in conjunction with my radiotherapy. Capecitabine is converted into 5FU (Fluorouracil) in the body and 5FU was one of the drugs used in my previous chemotherapy. Arrived in TTSH at about 4:30pm, had the port flushed and collected the drug and left at about 5:15pm.

There are supposed to be side effects and may be more pronounced when combined with Radiotherapy especially since the region of my therapy is near the stomach. I ask that you pray that there will be no side effects and as my pain is getting slightly worse, I ask that you pray for the pain to be reduced.  Pray too that the radiotherapy and chemo-drug will be effective against the tumor.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Radiotherapy: Update #11

This is a belated entry as I was really tired yesterday and thought that I’ll just skip one day and post this entry today. No real hoo-ha yesterday and it was just a regular radiotherapy session. On schedule I was supposed to the Rad-Oncologist yesterday but this was postponed till tomorrow.

I had another appointment yesterday in TTSH with my General Medicine Consultant for my diabetes. Told him I was not putting on weight and based on the information I gave him, he says it is most likely because I am not taking in sufficient nutrients (i.e. not eating sufficiently). This he derived as the amount of insulin that I am injecting now is 5 units less than what I used to give myself. I am trying to eat more but my appetite nowadays is not really big although given a choice, I can still consume more. Told my Consultant about the pain killer patch and the morphine and he was “ok” with me consuming more if it helps to alleviate the pain but from an overall management perspective, we both agree that it should be managed on a regular basis by my Med-Oncologist. On another issue, I told him that my stool is getting lighter I colour although not white. He thought that maybe the bilirubin was not excreted out but then I am not jaundice either and so it was kind of strange and since I will be having an appointment with my Med-Oncologist on 13 May, I was advised to monitor the situation until then and if the stool turn white to get an immediate appointment with the Gastroenterologist or my Med-Oncologist.

Other than this appointment, I went to the Chemotherapy Clinic to arrange for a blood test and chemotherapy as suggested by my Med-Oncologist. The clinic staff called him immediately and was told to have my blood taken for tests and that’s was it at TTSH. A couple of hours later I received a call from my Med-Oncologist and was told that my liver panel looks good and I could actually resume my chemotherapy but on oral form rather than by infusion. In my mind, I was thus very curious as to the colour of my stool but I did not mention this to my Med-Oncologist over the phone. The lab test is a far more accurate assessment of the health status of my liver.

For the chemotherapy, he said that he do not see any real benefit for the chemotherapy at this point and would rather wait for the radiotherapy to be completed first as he was also concerned about the possible combined side-effects from radiotherapy and chemotherapy. I told him that so far I feel well and would rather have the chemotherapy. If nothing happens, then so be it but if there is a possibility no matter how small of possible benefit, I rather go for it then. He was ok with it and asked me to call the Chemotherapy Clinic on Thursday to have the nurses there call him and arrange for the therapy. He was also ok with me consuming more of the morphine in order to alleviate the pain.

So that’s it. I’ll see what happens tomorrow with regards to my chemotherapy.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1