A Broken Spirit

Yesterday, Vicar celebrated communion for us again. It is always something that I and Josie look forward to. I am putting myself out on a limb today by sharing something that would probably put me in a vulnerable position.

Recently, I found myself to be quite emotional and yesterday, prior to the communion there was a short worship and part-way through the worship, I could not help myself and started crying. It was a long hard cry and I do not recall when I had shed as much tears as I had yesterday. In fact, I find myself crying a lot recently whenever I enter into worship regardless whether it is in church or in the short communion. I asked what is all this about and the word that came to be was “A Broken Spirit”.

In my case, the specific references for the broken spirit were:

Psalm 34:18 (NASB)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 51:17 (NASB)

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

I guess you can say that I take comfort in my current state of brokenness as this is not about a spirit that was broken without hope but it is about a spirit broken before God in yielded-ness to Him. Therefore, the tears I shed, I had shed for Him and for the grace and mercies that He had shown me. Why you might ask? Because it has been 10 months since I received news of my cancer and the doctor told me that without treatment, I would only have 6 to 9 months to live. Therefore, I had crossed a milestone as the Lord and carried me beyond what the doctor said I would have although it was perhaps through the various treatments that my life was extended. Also my treatments were always with relatively few or less severe side effects as compared to most other patients with the same conditions or undergoing the same treatment as me.

Psalm 34:18 and Psalm 51:17 were quoted often enough but how many truly understand the meaning of broken-ness before the Lord and what is a broken and a contrite heart? I am not trying to be self-righteous and claim true knowledge in this respect but I know the love that God has for me and I know that I am broken before Him and this much I take consolation in, no more no less. The tears I shed therefore I shed readily to Him and for Him because He had brought me low so that I would put aside my pride and let Him be Him.

I still pray that “this cup” could be taken away from me but as I had said before, not my will be done but His will and His will alone on this earth and in heaven.

O what grace that save a wretch like me

What love and mercy pour out freely for me

The price that was paid without demand

But demand of my life it had

I thus yield to Him my all in all.

Not quite original but it is from my heart.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1