An Extra Piece of Meat

One of Josie’s sister had a dream about me and I sort of casually mentioned that I cannot be bias and write about the dream a sister from church had in my blog “Creatures from 2 Worlds” and not write about her dream and so here it is.

Josie’s sister dreamt that both of us was at “somewhere” looking for “someone” in order for this person to have a look at my stomach (I guess it is no coincident as I was having gastric spasm for about 2 weeks at that point) and we searched for a while before locating the place and the person although we could not really have a good look at the person’s face. The person said that the “tumor” in me is not really a cancer but an extra piece of meat and does no harm at all and told us not to worry and go back. We seem to be happy and left the place. The place was kind of “Ulu” liked in a deep jungle (森林)but the place is quiet and peaceful, we had to cross a small river and pass by a school for children.

Not much of an interpretation is required for this dream and well, Josie’s sister believed that in this dream, God is saying that I am totally healed and that the tumor is just an extra piece of “normal” meat.

We believe and In Him We Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #03

I woke up fine this morning, spent the morning in my room as I was somewhat lethargic and shut the door. Lunch was ok and things are generally good and then I headed to TTSH to have my pump removed. Did a couple of things:

a)      Change one of my medical appointment

b)      Get an extra copy of my inpatient bill

c)      Change monies for the Chinese New Year

d)     Brought some diabetic biscuit at a shop for diabetics

e)      Top up some grocery at NTUC.

Got home at about 3:30pm and was so tired that I slept at about 4pm and woke up at about 5pm and that was when the lethargy really hit. Don’t really have strength to do any more heavy works.  Much better now but a little weak and you will probably be able to hear it in my voice if you are talking to me.

With each cycle, things are looking up in terms of the prognosis but the body is also getting weaker in terms of tolerating the side effects but with God’s help, I persevered and God had helped me through. I try as far as possible to write positive things and to help encourage those that read my blog, to find strength in God, in Jesus, to know that He will carry us in the darkness moments of our lives and He never fails.

I’d sent 2 songs to the Worship Leaders in Church and one of them replied with a song by Matt Redman, Jason Ingram & Tim Wanstall by the title of “Never Once” and the chorus goes like this:

Never once did we ever walk alone,
Never once did You leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful.

Although I had replied that the words does not convey my feeling strong enough as He is far more to me than the words in this particularly song but at this particular moment, it does make sense.

Let’s just say that certain happened today that really made both me and Josie despaired and especially for me, I questioned whether I really want to live longer. It is not a good thought especially since God had been so good to me, Josie and Nathan.  It is probably escapism but sometime it is the only thought that can bring some relieved as in there is an “escape” route. BUT and I say BUT that is not the thought that God would want me to think. He is gracious and will not let me bear beyond what I can tolerate.

He is Good all the time and In Him We Trust

Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #02

Sorry, did not post last night about my chemotherapy.  Got home at about 3:00pm and I was quite tried and lethargic. Slept for about an hour, had dinner, watch a bit of TV and slept early.

This morning, I was feeling quite alright but a little slow. The blood sugar level is playing havoc again but it will go off after I stop my oral anti-nausea medication.  Sent Josie to work and headed to TTSH as I have a medical appointment with my Diabetes doctor.  All is well and I just need to monitor my blood glucose and diet.

The thing that really struck this morning was when I started the car and the 1^st words that came out of the CD play were “Faithful One”.  It is the starting line from a song by “The Royal Royal” and it really hit both me and Josie about how good God is and how He is the “Faithful One. I firmly believe that this is not a coincident as there is a short instrumental to this song but the very fact as soon as the CD player came one, it straight away played the words “Faithful One”.

HOW WONDERFUL
Words and Music by Gabriel Finochio, Nathaneal Finochio, Joel Augo and Matthew Crocker
© 2011 Sony/ATV Timber Publishing / NFinochio Music / The paradigm collective (SESAC).

Verse 1
Faithful One
My soul cries Faithful One
Holy One
You are the Holy One

Pre-Chorus
Greatest name
Unashamed I worship You with all I am
And all I am will sing to You

Chorus
How wonderful is Your name oh Lord
How beautiful is Your name oh Lord
All powerful is Your name oh Lord
I'll forever praise Your name oh Lord
And I'll worship, yes I'll worship You

Verse 2
Close to You
My heart draw close to You
Unto You
I lift my hands to You

Bridge
How wonderful
How glorious
How beautiful
Is Your name oh Lord

Have a listen on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9R5ybH3Q6I
The YouTube version is their off the cuff, unplugged version

I guess for this week, this song will be my heartbeat.

In God We Trust

Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #01

Being able to post "on the go" kind of have its advantage although I do not know it I will succumb to the temptation of posting what I will term "irrelevance". It would be a topic for another post.

Anyway, I'm having my chemotherapy now. Started at about 9:15am with inserting the lines and the prep but the chemo drugs were infused at about 10:10am. The nurses who knew about my improvements are happy for me.

It's the 9th cycle and this will be the last series of 4 cycles before the review. This battle can be said to be the final 'conventional' push as the focus is on the primary pancreatic tumor.

In God We Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #03

I went to TTSH for my blood test today and the result came out quite good.  The platelet count is 104 and so my 9^th chemotherapy can proceed on Monday. Ever since the 4^th cycle, this is the only the 2^nd time that the platelet count had gone above 100.  The last time was after the 5^th or 6^th cycles (can’t remember which) and that was only after 4 weeks break. This time, the break was only 3 weeks and added to it was the fact that I had just recovered from a bad flu.

I’ve learnt for practical purpose, it is good to have the blood test done at least one day in advance so that I know whether my chemotherapy can proceed on the next day. This way, I can have my therapy early in the morning and go home earlier. This is much better compared to the previous times where I go on the same day, do my blood test, wait for at least 1-2 hours for the result and if chemotherapy can proceed, to wait for the drugs, start the therapy a little later in the morning or early afternoon and end the therapy late in the afternoon.  

God is good and He upheld me and very grateful for the good news and good health considering my conditions.

In my last post, I had mentioned that Josie questioned “why, why I had cancer?” A bit of clarification about the statement because the question was not directed at God but was directed at herself as simply a “human” question. I guess at that point in our life, we were at a stage of our Christian walk that we did not question God on the “why”. We now seek his revelation as to the purpose and we continue to pray in that direction.

To Him we give thanks In Him we Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #02 / Communion

We went to church at about 6:50pm. Communion was at 7:00pm and we were joined by Josie’s eldest and 2^nd sisters.

The passage used for the communion was from 2 Chronicles 20. It is the story of Jehoshaphat and how he had triumph over the enemies of Judah when he placed his trust in the Lord. God had reassured the people of Judah and Jehoshaphat that He is with them and Jehoshaphat obeyed God and spoke to the people of Judah in 2 Chronicles 20:21 saying “Listen to me, O Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem, put your trust in the Lord your God and you will be established. Put your trust in His prophets and succeed.”(NASB) 

Jehoshaphat then proceeded to put “those who sang to the Lord and those who praised Him in holy attire” in front of the army and God granted to Judah victory over “the sons of Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir, who had come against Judah”.  In this passage, Jehoshaphat, by pacing the singer in front of the army was not only an act of faith, it is a declaration of faith and dependency on God.

The message is to trust in the Lord. For most of us, despite the reassurance from God, we tend to also make provision “just in case”. We may in times of need, hear from God and receive assurance from God or people who had received visions or word from God but somehow we act contrary to the promises of God but see the example of Jehoshaphat, see his act of faith and see how God honored that faith.

It is also interesting to note that the passage and message is in lined with what I had posted in my blog in the last few days, that all things have their purposes, how all things is from God, the victory over our enemies, how for me as a soundman is also a worshipper, is also a part of the worship team that stand in front of the army singing songs of praise to God.

We had communion and we ended the communion with a prayer for Josie as the care-giver. It was poignant as Josie had been so patient and strong through this period of supporting me while at the same time having to juggle the role of a wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law and staff in her company.

I had wanted her to write a blog entry but she was afraid to do so and also refuse to allow me to write the blog in proxy for her but I would still like to add the following on her behalf. When I was discovered as having Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer, Josie was in a state of shock and I knew that she was asking why, why I had cancer? She was totally heart broken when her mother passed away from cancer and she does not wish to lose her husband in similar way. We have in addition to our wedding vows always says to each other that we will grow old together and I intent to keep that promise by the grace of God.

God had granted me an extension with the regression of the cancer in the liver and stability of the pancreatic tumor.  The journey is not at an end in term of my life expectancy and also my battle for victory over the cancer. As in the case of Jehoshaphat, I will trust, I will put myself forward in front of the army and sing praises to God because he is with me and also as Josie had declared “just very thankful to GOD for His mercy and grace... lets believe His complete work in our lives and He loves us and never let go...”

In Him we Trust unconditionally.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #01

My next Chemotherapy is scheduled for Monday, 28 January.

After every 4 cycles of chemotherapy, I will undergo a CT-Scan to determine the efficacy of the chemotherapy.

After the 1^st 4 cycles, there was marked improvement to the liver function and on the CT scan, it showed that the cancer in the liver had regressed. After the 2^nd 4 cycles, in the words of the radiologist that did the CT report, “The previously noted hypodense liver lesion involving segments 3, 4 and 5 has largely resolved. The liver outline is smooth.” My oncologist is obviously quite happy with the outcome.

For the coming 4 cycles, you can say that it is a kind of milestone as it is the start of a new phase of battle to rid the body of the pancreatic tumor.

The church and Vicar is going to conduct communion for me and the family this evening and actually I was thinking of posting an entry only after the communion but Josie sent a message to me this morning and it says “just very thankful to GOD for His mercy and grace... lets believe His complete work in our lives and He loves us and never let go...” It is the trigger for me to want to make an “early” post before the communion.

It is true that we are very thankful to GOD (Capital letters) for His mercy and grace for without it I shudder to think how I might have tolerated the chemotherapies. To believe His complete work in our lives is by no mean an easy task considering the seriousness of Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer and the lack of or extremely low rate of success in treating this disease. To believe He loves us and never let go is in line with our trust in Him, His grace, His mercy and dependence on Him and His sovereignty.

This hymn comes to mind as I end this blog entry:

My Hope Is Built On Nothing Less

Author: Edward Mote (1834)

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness:

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' Name.

[Refrain]

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand:

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace;

In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;

When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound, O may I then in Him be found:

Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne.

Truly in Him we trust.

Do all to the Glory of God

In the last 1-2 months, I have some thoughts pertaining to my involvement in the Worship Ministry within the church as a musician and a soundman and so I thought I'll blog about it. For this blog, I will be focusing on the “job” as a soundman and hopefully it will help people see that the job of a soundman is not just pushing levers and adjusting knobs and only a means to an end.

As a Soundman, I had always believed and told my understudies that we are an integral part of the worship team except that our instrument is the soundboard and the various equipment connected to it like the Equaliser, Amps and Speakers. As the worship leaders and musician works with melodies or musical notes, the soundman works with sound. The aim is to deliver a worship experience in terms of “sonic” environment instead for musical or melodic experience and as much as the worship team wishes to deliver that “experience” of connecting with God, the soundman should also seek to create the environment where that experience can occur.

The soundman should try to create that environment by making sure that the sound “experience” allows for minimal distraction such as making sure that the sound is not too soft or too loud for all areas of the Sanctuary, that there should not be sonic feedback, that the instruments are blended to occupy the various sonic space and not jarring and that vocal are adjusted and blended in a manner where the one vocal is not overpowering the next, where as much as possible, the blend is such that there is “fullness” to the vocals that can be achieved and most importantly, that the words could be heard.

The soundman thus helps to create the “feeling” of connection, to enable the envelopment of the congregation in the musical experience that would extend that connection. The same thus applies to the worship leaders, back-up vocalists and musicians as to enable them to deliver that “experience” to the congregation. It is important to have a sonic environment that is conducive for the congregation as well as for the worship leaders, back-up vocalists and musicians on stage for the worship of God.

I always like and try to use the example of an album or music that a person liked and have that person listen to the music using a headphone and adjusting the volume to a level that is comfortable (not loud until you damage your ears) and try to “feel” the music.  That is essentially what I would try to create for the congregation using the audio equipment that is in the “House of Worship”. For the worship leaders, back-up vocalists and musicians, the requirement and demands are different but it should also be an environment where they can hear themselves and the specific blend that they would like on their monitors that would allow them to play in “tune” and in rhythm with the rest of the band. It is like eating a well prepared meal by an excellent chef where the various components and seasoning of the dish would complement each other, to bring out the flavours where one is not overpowering another, where there is a balance to the saltiness, sweetness, sourness or bitterness and also to enjoy the various textures of the ingredients.

It is therefore my believe that the soundman is not just a tool, a mean for delivering sound to the congregation or to the worship leaders, back-up vocalists and musicians. The soundman is as much an integral part of the worship team and plays an important role as much as the worship leaders, back-up vocalists or musicians. The soundman would thus need to have a desire to worship God and are given the instrument that is the soundboard (mixer) and various audio equipments. They should understand that in the “House of Worship” environment, doing sound is not just a job but that it is also an integral part worship to God. The worship leader leads, the back-up vocalist support the worship leader and the musician delivers the music and the soundman take all these and deliver it to the congregation where they sing praises to God.

Again, moving into the realm of political incorrectness… and no offence intended, the worship of God is as it says, is “the worship of God”! Everything that we do should then direct attention and focus onto God and not for self gratification. The adjustment of sound and the request for the sound to be adjusted in certain manner should be done in the spirit and desire to connect with God, not “Oh… the congregation must hear me” but the congregation must “hear God through me”. The soundman should not just think “the congregation can hear can already la…” but rather, “the congregation must hear God through the sound”.

As a disclaimer, not everyone is endowed with gifts to be a “good” singer, musician or soundman. The desire is to achieve the “best” for the Lord but we may not be the “best”. However, it should not be used as an excuse for mediocrity for the Lord sees the heart since “⁴⁵ The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Luke 6:45 (NASB)

What I do as a soundman or musician (I play the bass and electric guitar too but I'm really not very good at it), I do as worship onto God and to the best of my ability that may or may not be the “best” technically. This verse may not exactly be in context from the passage where it came from but the meaning is essentially the same when in 1 Corinthians 10:31, it says “Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (NASB)

In God We Trust

Creatures from 2 Worlds

Did not really quite want to blog today but I was also quite bored and so I thought I entertain myself by blogging.

Recently, I had lunch with a sister from church as she wish to share about a dream that she had about a month ago about me and coincidentally, I had wanted to share with her some thoughts that I have about worship ministry.

Anyway, this blog is about the dream.

She told me that she had this dream where she and bunch of other people were at my place. Could not remember what she said about what they were doing at my place but that was not the main focus of the dream. In the dream, I had 2 pets. They looked kind of like lobster with legs like centipedes and one of them was larger than the other. While they were at my place, these 2 creatures/pets started to have a fight and both for some reason were able to escape from their enclosure. Me and the folks that were at my place started to run after the creatures and tried to look for them. They ran up and down the apartments trying to looks for the creatures, someone saw the smaller creatures had ran into someone else’s apartment and this sister managed to spot the larger creature and notify me about it. When I reach where she is, somehow there is a container in my hand and I was able to coax the larger creature into the container that does not have a lid. I told the sister to look after the larger creature while I go look for the smaller ones. She was a little apprehensive as the container does not have a lid and the creature while calm for a period started to stir a little and attempted to escape but that’s when this sister woke up.

I told this sister that I do know have the gift for interpretation but may have to certain degree “understanding”. So as I thought about it, the following was what I could derive.

I am a huge fan for “Alien” and “Predator” so much so that the image on my mobile phone’s home screen is an “Alien” instead of pictures of Josie or Nathan. I guess that could be where the “creature” is in the dream came from, a reflection of my interest. Anyway, the 2 creatures could represent 2 different and opposite of aspects of my life. What they represent specifically I do not know as they could mean a lot of things that is held in conflict within me. Anyway, the size of the creatures represents the degree of importance or “hold” the creature have in my life. Whether the larger one is “good” or are the “better” things are indeterminate as the reverse could also be true depending on what the specific representations are. The fact that the 2 creatures been initially calm and had started to fight indicates co-existence with the occasional conflict and thus the “escape” and thus the period of turmoil. The fact that I was able to coax the larger creature into the containing indicates control over the creature but sadly, this was not repeated for the smaller creature but the dream also ended prematurely. The fact that the smaller creature escaped into another person’s home could indicate “slyness” or the ability to hide.

Here is what I can understand of the dream. The 2 creatures represent conflicting ideas or sentiments within me but regardless, they both are intrinsically part of me as they both are my “pets”. The larger creature is “manageable” whereas the smaller creatures need to be found to be controlled. As I reflect further, the larger creatures could also represent the ideas, thought and feeling that I have that are “open” and largely also spoken of in all my blog entries.  The smaller creature requires further management but is not largely “spoken” about in my thoughts and reflecting and an example is my anger and how it can create conflict with the larger creature and it can hide and difficult to find to control.

As with my other blogs and personal thoughts, all things happened for a purpose including this dream by this sister and although it does not have an “earth-shattering” impact on first encounter and even after reflecting on it, I find that the purpose could be for me to share the following that for every single one of us, we are a sum of all the various emotions, experiences, teachings, beliefs, etc that we have and embraced. Be emotions, experiences, teachings, beliefs, etc “good” or “bad” is immaterial as the larger creature represents that which are easier to manage and handle and are “nurtured” better and thus the larger size. It does sometime “escape” and that is when we lose control and we need to find it and bring it under control and back into our life. As for the smaller creature in your life, it is harder to fine (i.e. determine) and thus you will need to seek for it a lot harder as it “hid” well.

Complex?

I think so too but I guess this dream is a reflection about me with regards to the complex, intertwining emotions, experiences, beliefs, etc in my life.  However, I had learnt to embrace them as they are all part me and thus are my “pets” but I need to control them and nurture them so that they can grow stronger and bigger.  In the Alien(s) movies, the Aliens are intelligent and they work together, sometime sacrificing one for the greater good of the colony. And so, for my pets, I have to make sure that they complement each other rather than fight each other, as in, let the sum be greater than the individual.

This I believe is also a confirmation on what I had posted earlier about everything having a purpose and how I would need to pray to God for revelation concerning His will as the “vagueness” of the dream represent.

Hope you will find this blog interesting.

In Him We Trust

Things that Happy People Do

This blog is probably the least original of all my blogs because I am going to direct you to this site:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pressure-proof/201210/10-things-happy-people-do-differently

I find the article intriguing because large part of what had been said can really be common sense and another large part of it comes down to what we know would make us happy. Translated into a Christian perspective, I guess there is much in this article that is spoken of in one way or another in the bible.

I am going to digress from this article and ask what would really make me happy and I can tell you that sometime it could be the smallest things in life that we often don’t take notice of.

One of the things that I know that make me really happy is when Nathan wakes up, the first person he calls is “papa” and not “mommy”. I guess it broils down to being jealous of Josie such that whenever it happened, I feel a certain amount of smugness.

What really is happiness then?

Each one of us have different “trigger” that would cause a feeling of happiness to occur in us and generally speaking, for most of us, it could be receiving praise from other people for a job well done.  Therefore, my next question is what would you do to make others happy?

The verses that come to mind are:

Luke 6:30-32
³⁰ Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. ³¹ Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. ³² If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. (NASB)

I guess for me, this is one aspect of happiness that most people neglect, making others happy.

In the article by Paula Davis-Laack, it does say “They know it’s good to do good” and added that “Acts of kindness help you feel good about yourself and others”. Nothing wrong with the statement and premise but I would personally add that “They know it’s good to do good that makes other people happy”.

From the verses in Luke 6:30-32, wouldn’t you want other people to make you happy? Then make others happy! Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. I must confess that often, I make other people angry and I guess in return, I get angry as well and this is one aspect of my life that I would like to change but honestly, I find it very difficult to change. I am not trying to excuse myself but I really do find it difficult and it shows in the way I drive. I complain that people that don’t wave thank you when you give way to them on the road but should that be the reason for not giving way to people.

I guess if I really want to make myself happy, I should really make sure that I want to make others happy based on what is said in Luke 6:30-32.

Sigh… I got a lot of work to do then… but He will show the way.

In Him We Trust.

Clinical Updates

I saw my Oncologist this morning for review as I had completed 8 cycles of chemotherapy.

Last week was a scare but kind of a false alarm but all is well now. Recovering from the flu but up till now there are still some residual symptoms like phlegm in the chest.

Here are the latest updates and the good news.

1.      The cancer that had spread to the liver had regressed and functionally the liver is back to normal.

2.      The primary tumor in the pancreas is still there but it had not grown in size and is termed “stable”. As the tumor is in the part of the body that has multiple tissues/organs and the fact the tumor had attached itself to various organs make it difficult to distinguish specifically. In other word, the mass could also comprise of dead tumor cells alongside the live ones.

My Oncologist is “happy” as I’m one the few that responded to therapy and he is prescribing another 4 cycles of chemotherapy (had completed 8 cycles). He is also holding off on Radiotherapy until the chemotherapy option is exhausted.

I looked back on this whole period since last August and can't help but wonder how I had made it through.  There are many people to thank, from family to friends, church, colleagues and associates, everyone that supported me mentally, spiritually and other ways such that words cannot fully described my gratitude well enough.

My journey is not at an end there is still a distance to cover before this race is completed. 2 passages that come to mind when I reflect on my current status:

Hebrews 12:1-2
¹ Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (NASB)

2 Timothy 4:7-8
⁷ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; ⁸ in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing. (NASB)

These are verses are usually used in funeral services and eulogy but here I want declare God’s faithfulness towards me and the Grace that he had shown for I know I will complete the race regardless what the outcome might be and every steps that I had taken and the steps that I will continue to take in this race, I take them knowing the strength is from the Lord.

Many of us would know the peom/story of the footprint (http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php) but I say this, He is the ground on which I stood, the air that I breathe, the warmth that surrounded me, the hand that held mine, He does more than carried me, He sustained me.

In Him We Trust.

From God

On Thursday, I had breakfast with Josie that for now will be known as “an undisclosed location” and ate an item that I should avoid at that particular moment (not cannot consume but should just avoid given a choice) and consumed an amount that is more than I should.

Breakfast with Josie alone is a rarity nowadays after Nathan came to realize that “Hey, if I cry, make noise, call “mommy” and hold unto her, I can get all I want…” What a blackmail!…

We started talking and it started out as just any other general conversation and I asked her about the situation in her office and the things that she need to do considering that she had to go back to the office to settle several very important matters despite having the flu. The conversation slowing evolved and I don’t quite remember how it evolved but I (not we) end up talking about God allowing things to happen and the gist of my point was that everything are “From God”.

There is the school of thoughts concerning the “permissible will of God” and the “sovereign will of God” and there are those that say that disasters and calamities are not from God. For myself, I questioned why I had cancer? Did it come from God or did God allowed it or it did not originate from God at all? Is it from the devil, is it because I had sin and is it because of the sins of my forefathers? I am not attempting to answer all these questions for it is beyond me to comprehend all these complex intertwining ideologies, theories, doctrines, dogma, believes and most importantly, the mind and will of God. So then, why am I posing all these questions?

I believe in the sovereign God, His sovereign will, His omnipotence, omniscient and omnipresence. How I got the cancer, whether willed or permitted does not matter to me and it is from this perspective that I say all things comes “From God”, even my cancer.

Now hear me out.

If you believe that God is sovereign and is omnipotence, omniscient and omnipresence, then all things happened because He had willed it. You might argue that “No, He permitted it but did not willed it” but then if he permitted it, does it not also implies that it is within His will and thus it is permitted. You might also argue that “No, the devil had done it and not God” but can the devil act without God knowing and if God knew and allowed or permitted it, does it not imply that it is within His will?

I used to believed in the “permissible” will of God but there is really no “permissible” will, there is only one will, the sovereign will and therefore, if God is One and Sovereign and I thus cannot fathom nor “bend” His will anymore than I am able to block out the rays of light from the sun from reaching earth.

Can a king be a king and be sovereign if things happened around him that he has no control over?  Therefore, can God be God and be sovereign if things happened without His consent or if we are able to bend His “Sovereign” will? I believe it is oxymoronic to think that we are able to bend the “Sovereign” will of God and make it “Permissible”.

I have cancer and I have it because God allowed it, permitted it, willed it and bah… as I said, it does not matter to me. What matter is that He knew and has a purpose for everything that happened and what His will is in my case I do not know but does not everything that happened, happened for a purpose? I pray and ask that His name be glorified. If I am healed, His Name be glorified. If through my blog, you develop an undoubting faith in God, His Name be glorified. If you think my blog is junk, His Name be glorified. If I should perish, I perish knowing that He had given me an extra measure of time on this earth for without treatment (Chemotherapy), I should be dead or dying by now and so His Name be glorified.

I may or will offend certain people by saying that I still will not profess healing but that I will continue to profess God’s sovereignty because if He had allowed the cancer to happened in my life, He then has a plan for it be it healing or otherwise as we all prayed “Our Father in heaven… Your will be done, on earth as in heaven…” There is no “permissible” in this prayer, there is only “sovereign”.

Why do we wish to subjugate God’s will to ours? We should subjugate our will to His and thus pray for the revelation of His will and to understand His will and thus pray according to His will. For me, I can only continue to pray for revelation because I still do not know His will with regards to my cancer but I know He will let me know when the time and circumstances is right or ripe.

In Him We Trust.

Rewards in Heaven

In my previous blog, I spoke about the sacrifices that Josie had made in the last couple of days and about her rewards in heaven and this comes down to the purpose of this particular blog entry: Rewards in heaven.

There are generally 2 schools of thoughts, “degree of rewards” and “rewards of inheritance”.  I am not going into all the theological argument or justification to show which school or which teaching I subscribed to or to persuade you to believe in a certain doctrine. However, it is hard to write this blog without “straying” a little and hope against odds that I don’t offend anyone who believed in either one of these teachings.

You can choose to believe what you believe, know what you know, check with your pastors, read up books or search the internet on articles and studies pertaining to rewards. My purpose is to challenge and lay down what I believe and when it comes to “rewards in heaven” and my premise is that I seek none and expect none and I will not work simply because I want a reward in heaven. I may sound very high standing and pompous but truth be told, as a man, I do desire rewards, I do desire that praise from men, financial rewards and acknowledgement for a job well done.  Who don’t even if it is simply for self satisfaction? But with regards to rewards in heaven, my focus will come down to what we do for God and what we seek in return.

This is where the example of Josie comes into the picture.

Initially I was going to talk about all the rewards that Josie will get when she gets to heaven but then I thought about it over and over again and realized that Josie did what she did in the last couple of days not because she was expecting a reward from me or Nathan. She did what she did out of love for me and for Nathan and there was no expectation of rewards or compensation for the works done.

I would like to stress one very important point again.  Josie did not expect any rewards from me or Nathan (except maybe a break just to rest her body when we got through this period).

It is on this same example that I say that I do not seek, expect nor will I work simply because I want a reward in heaven. It is sufficient enough in the knowledge that I do what I need to do because God is pleased with it and I do it out of love for him. Am I perfect in what I do? No. Am I perfect in who I am? No. Therefore, if I am not perfect in who I am or what I do, what grounds do I have to seek and justify for my rewards. The ultimate reward had already been given in Salvation, the gift that God has given as an act of Grace through faith in Him.

The question I had asked myself before I started with this blog entry was why did I sought for rewards if I keep telling myself that I do whatever I do for God out of love and trust in Him and bam… it was like a lightning bolt striking my head and I spent the entire morning (except for the one hour when I had a walk with Nathan) thinking and trolling the internet for articles about it.  This is how I got to know about the 2 schools of thoughts on “rewards in heaven”. I thought further and realized that it was my premise all along but it had probably been pushed to the back of the mind or it had became a non-issue as far as I am concerned and thus was never really bothered by it.

Here, I will go slightly into the realm of political incorrectness by asking the following questions:

If you tithe because you loved God, is it important to you and expectant of God to return to you what you had tithes and in many folds?

If you served God in whatever capacity within the church environment because you loved God, Is it important to you and expectant from God His blessings as a direct result of your works?

If you obey the “laws” because you loved God, is it important for you to expect rewards for your obedience?

There are many more questions of similar nature that I could ask but the last question I have is whether loving God and obeying Him is more important than seeking His rewards and storing up treasures in heaven?

If you loved God and obey Him, will you not do whatever that pleases Him regardless of rewards?

If God do not reward me for my “works” so be it because He is sovereign and His will is what I seek. If God choose to reward me for my “works”, I thank Him for His bounty that he bestowed on me. Sufficient for me is the knowledge that He loved me and died for me and gave me eternal life.

There is no further reward I seek from Him for he had already given me the best reward there is, His Son.

He came, He died and He rose again and In Him We Trust.


As a footnote, I will reward Josie for her sacrifices.

As a 2^nd footnote, if you are curious as to which school of thoughts I subscribed to, not in its entirety but the majority of it, read the article in this link (all 26 pages of it): http://www.mountainretreatorg.net/bible/rewards.html

Flu and Fever (Recap)

Probably should not have said the last post will be the last one for “Flu and Fever” heading but this is definitely the last.

Although I went to TTSH on Saturday night, 12^th January, the story starts on Saturday, 5^th January.

On 5^th January, Josie and I wanted to head out to do some shopping and also to keep Nathan occupied but Josie wasn’t feeling too well and when Nathan started his afternoon nap, Josie, feeling a little tired slept as well.  I was quite free and decided to head over to church and hand around the worship folks who were having their music practice.

2 of the worship team member had the flu and I was advised to stay away from them.  Me been me and sometime been stubborn said that if I’m going to catch the flu I would have regardless because Josie is also having the flu and resting at home and how to avoid it at home.

Nathan and I were quite alright for the remaining of the week as Josie progressively show more and more of the flu symptoms and I continued to be alright until 12^th January when I started sensing the beginning of a flu coming. As a precaution, I called the Chemotherapy clinic to ask what I should do if I have the flu and was advised to see a GP and only head to TTSH if I develop fever. Then it hit in the afternoon about 3-4pm with low grade fever (< 38^oC). By late evening, the temperature hit 38^oC and after dinner, it was 38.5^oC and decided there and then to head over to TTSH’s Accident and Emergency.

At TTSH, the fever was around 38^oC and I was placed in the “fever” zone (a consequent of the 2003 SARS) and waited to see the doctor. The doctor saw me (that was about 9pm) and I explained to him about my condition, my chemo, etc and took a blood sample for analysis.  The result came back will elevated white blood cell count that is normally from 3.6 to 9.3 x10⁹/L. Mine reading was 28, I think?

Anyway, not knowing or conversant with the effect of GCSF for Chemotherapy patient, the doctor thought that I might actually may have bacterial infection in the blood (Sepsis) and took some blood for culture. While, the rest are in my blogs as I got warded and waiting until about 2am before I got a bed. Josie’s sisters are a wonderful bunch, they came to TTSH around 10pm and was with her until she left for home in the wee hours in the morning.

In the ward, the MO came, check on me, the Registrar came and also check on me and just to be on the cautious, took another blood sample from a “clean” site for blood culture and after that, I slept for the night.

In morning (Sunday), before the Consultant on roster came, the on-call housemen (a pretty lady with an Ang-Mo accent) came and talk to me and took notes and I suspect it is part of her duty. Poor lady, she was on call the entire night and now had to wait for the Consultant to come by before she can knock off and the Consultant did not arrive until about 11am as he had other wards to cover as well. Oh, before that, there was another doctor from the department who made a preliminary assessment before the arrival of the Consultant.
Nothing much happened after that, suspect that the fever is due to flu and high white blood count due to the GCSF but in their position, I would also be cautious and wait for review from my Oncologist. In the meanwhile, they loaded me with antibiotics as I definitely had chest infection and also just in case there is sepsis.

Not much to report except until the next afternoon (Monday) when my Oncologist came and reviewed my notes. He told me what the General Medicine team had done is correct for my condition but also mentioned that with GCSF, the white blood count could sometime go as high as 60. Hmmm… I guess good thing it wasn’t that high because I suspect there will be a big ruckus if it was.  The timing was also kind of coincidental and providential as my Oncologist just came back from his leave on Monday. My Oncologist kept me on antibiotics as he also had to wait for the blood culture result to be certain that I do not have septicemia.

As I was supposed to have a schedule CT scan done on the 17^th but since I am warded, he pushed forward my CT scan till Tuesday so that he can also make an assessment of my conditions.

Monday night and Tuesday morning were bad as far a sleep is concerned because there was an elderly man on my right that wasn’t too “clear” minded and made a lot of ruckus whenever the nurses comes and try to either get him to take his medication or change his diapers and beddings.  He was also a little aggressive towards the nurses and thus had to be tied down. On Tuesday morning (4am) there was also another old lady (warded on Monday afternoon) who for some reason refuses to sleep and was from what I overhear, disorientated and not know where she is and her family was not there!! This lady may be old but you cannot tell from her voice and the struggle the nurses had with her. Had only 2 hours of sleep and not a comfortable one because of the phlegm in my throat/chest.

Tuesday… The General Medicine folks came around and saw the notes from my Oncologist and the proceeded according to my Oncologist’s recommendation. I got my CT pushed forwarded to 11:30am that morning and hopefully, by the time the report is out and together with the blood culture results could decide on what to do next.

This is the one part of my stay that I was not very happy with.  My CT was supposed to be at 11:30am and as this is an abdominal scan, I had to fast for 3 hours before the scan to make sure my stomach is empty and so my last meal was at 8:30am. I know from past experience, there usually will be some delay in the schedule timing of the scan. By 12pm, no one from Diagnostic Imaging (X-Ray) Department came and fetch me for my scan and was told that someone would come within ½ hours. I am concerned because of my diabetic conditions, I cannot fast for too long and need to have some intake of food or else my blood sugar level goes too low that in turn will mean delay in getting the scan done. By 1:15pm, with no sign of people from Diagnostic Imaging, the nurse had to call them to tell them of the seriousness of the situation. Was told to wait another ½ hour but the porter actually came about 15 minutes later. By now, I had fasted for 5½ hours on a small breakfast. At Diagnostic Imaging Department, I was made to wait further as 3-4 (I could not remember) other outpatients got scanned before me. Complained to the nurse that I am diabetic and had fasted for 5+ hours already and was told “oh… we have patient who are diabetic also…” and I retorted that I had fasted for almost 6 hours and what happened if I crash from Hypoglycemia? Anyway, got my scan done after one more patient and on the way back, almost had to wait for another ½ hour before I can be sent back to the ward as there were “insufficient” porters. Made some noise and threaten to go back to the ward on my own and they “hijacked” a porter with an assigned job to send me back to the ward first. Lunch cannot be eaten because it is more the 2 hours old and a “fresh” meal had to be brought up from the kitchen. By the time I sat down for my lunch, it was 3pm.

I thought I had to stay for another night because I do not know if my report will be out in time for review by my Oncologist. It so happened that my Oncologist was at the ward and I spoke to him and he must have expedited something because by about 4:15pm, he got the preliminary CT scan report and told me that the cancer in the liver is gone and the pancreatic tumor is “stable” and he possible might plan for radiotherapy and I could be discharged.

My next appointment with my Oncologist is on Monday, 21^st January. By then the finalised CT-scan report would be available and planning for next course of therapy could be done.  I only pray that the therapy is not classified under “palliative”.

Got home by around 6pm and I was so tired and sleepy. The rest is as they say “history”.

I may have worked in the healthcare industry and may have some knowledge and understanding of the nurses’ work condition within the hospital but not until I was there for 3 nights did I realize that there are a lot more to what they do like changing the diaper and linen for the man beside me for 11 times within one day and the smell, oh my, the smell, having to restrain an old lady and make sure that patient who need to go to the toilet do not fall down, staying with frail patients as they shower, make sure we get our medication on time, etc, etc. It is an understatement to call them “angels”, they are more than that, they are angels, superman/women, nanny, sister, brother, temporary family member, butler and maid all rolled into one for that moment that a patient is in hospital. I pray that God will bless them richly.

In God we Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #08 (Final)

This will be the final post under the heading of 'Flu and Fever'.

By the time I got home last evening, it was about 6pm and I was so tired and sleepy. Broke my heart when I heard Nathan cried because it is the kind of cry/sound made by a sick child, so weak and pleading and yet so little I can do. Slept immediately after dinner at about 8pm. Woke up a few times in-between but generally had a very good rest. Nothing beats own bed and home.

I will post a recap but for now, the main thing is to rest and let the flu run its course. I still got infection in the chest and on antibiotic for one week.

My corporate phone died and needed to be sent for repair and I am supposed to rest... Sigh... Anyway, done that and found out that it was the battery that died and apparently it is quite common.

On the bright side, as mentioned in the last post, the preliminary indication/report from the CT scan is that the cancer in the liver that had spread from the pancreas is gone. As for the pancreatic tumor, it is still there and of the same size and I will know the next course of action on coming Monday.

You know the person that had the toughest time during this period is who?...  Josie. She has to juggle work, taking care of sick Nathan and worry about me and doing things for me and she is also sick. For her, I can't sweep it away and say that she will get her reward in heaven (a topic for another time).  However, I know God is good to us and will watch and take care of us and I ask for more of it for Josie. She is such a treasure.

He is good all the time and In Him We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #07

Results came in clean. Going through discharge procedure now and I'll be on the way home. I’m still having respiratory infection because of the flu and need to be on oral antibiotic for one week.

Had my CT done as well and preliminary report shows that cancer in liver is gone but it can only confirmed when the finalised report is out and I'll get to know when I see my Oncologist on Monday, 21^st January. Pancreatic tumor is 'stable' and my Oncologist will decide then what treatment to take. He says may go for radiotherapy.

Praise God and In Him We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #06

This flu bug is a tough one. Thought I should be cleared or on the way to been cleared by now as far as the chest is concerned and considering that I am receiving IV antibiotic but the phlegm keep coming back and I got so much of it that I could not sleep well lying down. Had to 'force' cough the phlegm out and sit upright on the bed to feel comfortable. Trying to sleep but having a neighbour that need to have his diaper changed every 2  hours or so and another commotion caused by an old lady at 4am plus my chest means I hardly slept for 2 hours since midnight.

If the blood culture result comes out clean, I just pray that the chest infection/flu would recover quickly.

Tired and sleepy but In God We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #05

My Oncologist came and saw me today. The timing was quite good as he also just came back from leave today.

He said that my blood test results with the elevated white cell count are expected as part of chemotherapy and injection of GCSF for boosting white cell production. He also did say that coming back to TTSH as I was having fever/flu is also good as it is also wise to exclude any major infection. If my blood culture results come back negative for bacterial infection, he will just prescribed oral antibiotic and send me home. The question is whether blood culture result will be out by tomorrow.

By all other indications I should be alright and since I am warded, arrangement will be made for my follow-up CT scan to be done tomorrow rather than wait until Thursday as he hopes I can be discharged tomorrow.

Pray for culture result to be clean and I'll be able to go home tomorrow.

Praise God and In Him We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #04

The fever is gone. Chest infection is still there but minor now and recovering. The phlegm is slowing turning whitish which means bacterial in control. Still have to wait for blood culture to be clear of infection before I can say everything is all clear.

Generally feeling well and will try to talk to my own doctors tomorrow. 

For those who had pray, Josie and I thank you and pray God's blessing on you.

In God We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #03

Things are looking up. Doctors are switching from IV antibiotic to IV and oral antibiotic. Main concern now is the platelet and not the white count. There'll be continuous blood test to be done and poor me, going to 'lose' some more precious blood.

Will call my Oncology clinic on Monday and see if my Oncologist needs to see me. Currently placed under General Medicine discipline and since I'm already under General Medicine care for my diabetes, follow up should be relatively straight forward and my next appointment is on 29th.

My next Oncologist appointment was supposed to be on 22^nd. So now I’ll see what arrangement I can make on Monday. Doctors say I look well and may not have any major complication but still need to monitor closely.

Nathan is also sick and Josie brought him to KKH to see doctor for the cough and cold. Sigh... the whole family is sick.

All will be well in Jesus' name and In Him We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #02

Warded in TTSH for observation and monitoring. Definite infection in the chest and have to wait for blood culture result to see if anything more serious which means staying in hospital for next 3-4 days. I will be on IV antibiotic for now.

Seen the Registrar and was told by him because of my chemo, I had injected growth factor to boost white count on Fri which could also explain the high white count in addition to the flu/infection.

In God we Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #01

White cell count had skyrocketed. Suspect septicemia and have to be warded in TTSH for observation. Need to do a whole host of tests, blood chemistry, blood culture, chest x-ray and be given antibiotic.

I believe and trust in Him. All will be well

Flu and Fever

For the 1st time I fell sick while on Chemo. I’m at TTSH now because I am down with flu and fever. Saw the doctor at A&E, got a blood test done to check white cell count and waiting for result. Hope the count is not too low particularly since I just had Chemo and my white count will be suppressed.

Sort throat started yesterday but fever only started this afternoon. Not too high, about 38^oC and after dinner, it was about 38.5^oC but that's probably because of the hot food. The body is aching from the booster jab and the flu and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable. A bit of yellowish phlegm and 1 may need antibiotic.

I am praying for God's protection and coverage.

In Him We Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #02

Had the pump removed today and it was a relatively uneventful event.

Generally feeling well today but I got heaps of hiccups.  Blood glucose level did not spike too much as the doctor had reduced the oral anti-nausea medication and one of them is a steroid that causes the spike. My stomach is growling a fair bit but trying to control intake of food so that the blood sugar do not spike too much and to slow down or halt the weight gain.

Just read an article on BBC news that says that taking anti-oxidant supplements like Vitamin A, C or E while undergoing chemotherapy may actually prevent the chemotherapy drug from doing its job.  When a person is healthy, taking anti-oxidant supplements is useful in neutralizing free-radicals in our body. Some chemotherapy drugs are free-radical based and so taking anti-oxidant supplements will neutralize the chemotherapy drugs and prevent the drugs from doing its job. Kind of logical but there is no concrete data on it yet.

Anyway, God has been good. The one extra week of rest I think did good and allowed me to tolerate the chemotherapy’s side effects better.

In God We Trust

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #01

I woke up this morning feeling “great”, no nausea, no uncomfortable feeling but then after breakfast the nausea slowing crept in. As the Doctor had reduced my nausea medication since I was able to tolerate the nausea, the blood sugar spike was easier to manage but started having hiccup again.

Beyond these, things are generally ok today. Appetite is still good although I am controlling the quantity food intake in line with Doctor’s advice.

Josie is slowly recovering from her flu and cough. I am so glad that myself and Nathan did not catch the flu. It would have been a very difficult situation if I were to catch the flu.

Tomorrow, I’ll be heading back to TTSH to remove the pump.

In God We Trust

Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #01

Finally, I got to proceed with the 8^th Chemotherapy. Platelet level is at 95 but happy to report that all the other test results are in the “normal” range include my red cell count and haemoglobin level that were is the past just below the normal readings.

There was a little hiccup with the lab results and the chemo started late.

The stomach is very queasy, more so than the past and not feeling too good in the intestine and bowels too. Blood glucose already spiked.

See how things are tomorrow.

In God We Trust

The Melancholy of David Yue and his weaknesses and fears

I got hit with another bout of melancholy again this morning. Not too sure why and started to think about and the following might be the reasons (not in any order of importance)

1)    I asked Josie if she would write an entry for my blog but she was pensive and refused. I told her I could help her with the editing but again she refused from lack of confidence in writing. So I told her I would write in proxy for her but I would let her read it before posting. This is not what is causing the melancholy but the fact that I will have to put myself in her shoe and write on her behalf. I would have to think of the things that make her happy and also the things that made her sad and of the sad things, the fact that her husband has cancer and her mother died from cancer, 2 of the closest persons in her life. Also, my “牵我的手 主耶稣” post had garnered the 2^nd highest numbers of pageview and in this post, I had mentioned about Josie’ mother.

2)    Had gone to SKS last Friday to buy some bible study materials for the cell group and when I was about to leave it started to rain heavily and so I was stuck in the shop. While waiting, started browsing and looking and finally bought some books and CDs. Joked with the staff at SKS that it was a good thing that it rained because it made me spent more money. Of course the cashier laughed about it. Of the few books I bought, one was the classic “Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence, a Carmelite monk. I already had a copy of the book but not too sure where it is. Probably had loan it out but forgot who I had loan it to. Anyway, status of the book had changed from “loan” to “gift” for the person who has it. I asked Josie to read the book but she was very tired from having the flu and so I had read it to her, of the 2 “conversations” that was read, it is filled with thoughts and ideas not too far from mine and is perhaps the reason why I am drawn to this book. There are several thoughts that were quite pertinent to me but I’ll just quote one.

“That we ought to give ourselves entirely to God, whether in temporal or spiritual concerns, and find our happiness in doing His will, whether He lead us by way of suffering or by the way of delight, for they are all the same to one truly resigned to Him”.

Profound? Josie though so and for me, it was in line of my trust in Him and yielding to His sovereignty and so saying realize that I am still a long way from achieving that goal of COMPLETE yielded-ness to Christ.

3)    Related to the 2^nd point above, there were 4 CDs that I bought. One was an instrumental and the other 3 are:

a)      Cornerstone, Hillsong Live

b)      The Narrow Road, Jared Anderson

c)      The Royalthy, The Royal Royal

I was never a big a fan of Hillsong except for the songs by Geoff Bullock and Darlene’s early songs but I took an exception to “Cornerstone” once I heard it. There is a “directness” to the songs that points and directs me to God and His God-hood.

For The Narrow Road, the songs or the lyrics rather were “simple” as in it is not complicated but is a very clear declaration of God, His salvation deeds for us, His greatness, grace and mercy.

The Royal Royal was a bit of fun buy as their music has a certain 70s and indie feels but there are a couple songs of that speaks volumes about God.

Again, why the “melancholy”? Because the words in some of the songs reminds and brings me back to the root, the root that is Christ Jesus, who died for us on the cross, the stripes, the piercings, the spilled blood, they all happened for our salvation and that I know He is with me through this period of testing, yielding and depending to Him but yet I have also not reach nor achieve that COMPLETE yielded-ness to Christ.

4)    Josie and I had a little bit of tiff concerning a certain person’s posts on Facebook. I was commenting like “what is person trying to say, what is he/she trying to accomplish by quoting someone else or by quoting some short verses?” Josie was not too happy and says that I am saying these things because I am negative towards the person. I have to admit that I am somewhat critical but I am more critical of quotes made without context and without direction to the reader. For the person, it may perfectly make sense as he or she may be going through circumstances where the quote or the bible verse means something but it could also be easily be taken out of context.  No doubt the person is well respected but I always am weary of people who take what these well respected peoples’ words at face value without understanding the context (if there is one) or what is the message trying to be in relation to the teachings in the bible. Therefore, other than providing a quote, a short insight or sharing would suffice in bringing the quotes into context and letting the reader know the direction the author is trying to take.

Anyway, won’t say too much more as I’m trying to stay away from “politics” but why is this causing me “grieve”? The fact that Josie immediately say I am “negative” when I shared with her but my tone did not help the situation. Sometime disagreement is healthy but disagreement over an immediate perception without further thoughts or insight does not bode well for further open discussion and I hope not for all situations.

5)    In my recent post “Trusting God and Letting Go”, I find myself still waiting for a reply that I said I am not expecting. It is really hard and I chide myself for not been able to let go and let God.  It was easy to say it and to send the mail saying I am not expecting a reply but the reality of it is totally different. It is perhaps God’s way of teaching me by withholding what I desired although I said I am letting go. It is really tough and perhaps one of the biggest challenges for me at this point.

6)    Josie is currently reading a book by a cancer survivor. The book is written in much the same way like this blog. I sort of told Josie that if I survive this cancer, to publish a book and if God don’t grant me my desire, to publish the book too. Kind of like make Josie go quiet in the car for a substantial moment. I think I don’t need to say why or too much on this point.

7)    Lastly, the delay in my Chemotherapy. It has been 4 weeks since my last cycle and I hope there will be no further postponement as I fear the tumor may “grow” again since it is such a long break in-betweens cycles. I may trust but I also fear that my body (on the inside) is getting weaker. The tips of my toes and fingers are numbed and tingles, my teeth and tongue are numbed too despite the 4 weeks break and if you have been following the blog, I worry about my platelet level.

Can I say that in Him I trust? The answer is yes! And yes, this is despite some of the issues I am facing now but the trust is also fundamental to allowing God to make the changes even if it might be painful.

I am implicit in my trust in Him but as Jesus had also mentioned about His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane, “the fresh is weak”. I may look well now and seem like a “normal” person but I fear about my “fresh”, whether I would be able to carry on much further physically once I hit the 10^th or 11^th cycles of my chemotherapy.

But still, In God We Trust!!