I got hit with another bout of melancholy again this morning. Not too sure why and started to think about and the following might be the reasons (not in any order of importance)
1) I asked Josie if she would write an entry for my blog but she was pensive and refused. I told her I could help her with the editing but again she refused from lack of confidence in writing. So I told her I would write in proxy for her but I would let her read it before posting. This is not what is causing the melancholy but the fact that I will have to put myself in her shoe and write on her behalf. I would have to think of the things that make her happy and also the things that made her sad and of the sad things, the fact that her husband has cancer and her mother died from cancer, 2 of the closest persons in her life. Also, my “牵我的手 主耶稣” post had garnered the 2nd highest numbers of pageview and in this post, I had mentioned about Josie’ mother.
2) Had gone to SKS last Friday to buy some bible study materials for the cell group and when I was about to leave it started to rain heavily and so I was stuck in the shop. While waiting, started browsing and looking and finally bought some books and CDs. Joked with the staff at SKS that it was a good thing that it rained because it made me spent more money. Of course the cashier laughed about it. Of the few books I bought, one was the classic “Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence, a Carmelite monk. I already had a copy of the book but not too sure where it is. Probably had loan it out but forgot who I had loan it to. Anyway, status of the book had changed from “loan” to “gift” for the person who has it. I asked Josie to read the book but she was very tired from having the flu and so I had read it to her, of the 2 “conversations” that was read, it is filled with thoughts and ideas not too far from mine and is perhaps the reason why I am drawn to this book. There are several thoughts that were quite pertinent to me but I’ll just quote one.
“That we ought to give ourselves entirely to God, whether in temporal or spiritual concerns, and find our happiness in doing His will, whether He lead us by way of suffering or by the way of delight, for they are all the same to one truly resigned to Him”.
Profound? Josie though so and for me, it was in line of my trust in Him and yielding to His sovereignty and so saying realize that I am still a long way from achieving that goal of COMPLETE yielded-ness to Christ.
3) Related to the 2nd point above, there were 4 CDs that I bought. One was an instrumental and the other 3 are:
a) Cornerstone, Hillsong Live
b) The Narrow Road, Jared Anderson
c) The Royalthy, The Royal Royal
I was never a big a fan of Hillsong except for the songs by Geoff Bullock and Darlene’s early songs but I took an exception to “Cornerstone” once I heard it. There is a “directness” to the songs that points and directs me to God and His God-hood.
For The Narrow Road, the songs or the lyrics rather were “simple” as in it is not complicated but is a very clear declaration of God, His salvation deeds for us, His greatness, grace and mercy.
The Royal Royal was a bit of fun buy as their music has a certain 70s and indie feels but there are a couple songs of that speaks volumes about God.
Again, why the “melancholy”? Because the words in some of the songs reminds and brings me back to the root, the root that is Christ Jesus, who died for us on the cross, the stripes, the piercings, the spilled blood, they all happened for our salvation and that I know He is with me through this period of testing, yielding and depending to Him but yet I have also not reach nor achieve that COMPLETE yielded-ness to Christ.
4) Josie and I had a little bit of tiff concerning a certain person’s posts on Facebook. I was commenting like “what is person trying to say, what is he/she trying to accomplish by quoting someone else or by quoting some short verses?” Josie was not too happy and says that I am saying these things because I am negative towards the person. I have to admit that I am somewhat critical but I am more critical of quotes made without context and without direction to the reader. For the person, it may perfectly make sense as he or she may be going through circumstances where the quote or the bible verse means something but it could also be easily be taken out of context. No doubt the person is well respected but I always am weary of people who take what these well respected peoples’ words at face value without understanding the context (if there is one) or what is the message trying to be in relation to the teachings in the bible. Therefore, other than providing a quote, a short insight or sharing would suffice in bringing the quotes into context and letting the reader know the direction the author is trying to take.
Anyway, won’t say too much more as I’m trying to stay away from “politics” but why is this causing me “grieve”? The fact that Josie immediately say I am “negative” when I shared with her but my tone did not help the situation. Sometime disagreement is healthy but disagreement over an immediate perception without further thoughts or insight does not bode well for further open discussion and I hope not for all situations.
5) In my recent post “Trusting God and Letting Go”, I find myself still waiting for a reply that I said I am not expecting. It is really hard and I chide myself for not been able to let go and let God. It was easy to say it and to send the mail saying I am not expecting a reply but the reality of it is totally different. It is perhaps God’s way of teaching me by withholding what I desired although I said I am letting go. It is really tough and perhaps one of the biggest challenges for me at this point.
6) Josie is currently reading a book by a cancer survivor. The book is written in much the same way like this blog. I sort of told Josie that if I survive this cancer, to publish a book and if God don’t grant me my desire, to publish the book too. Kind of like make Josie go quiet in the car for a substantial moment. I think I don’t need to say why or too much on this point.
7) Lastly, the delay in my Chemotherapy. It has been 4 weeks since my last cycle and I hope there will be no further postponement as I fear the tumor may “grow” again since it is such a long break in-betweens cycles. I may trust but I also fear that my body (on the inside) is getting weaker. The tips of my toes and fingers are numbed and tingles, my teeth and tongue are numbed too despite the 4 weeks break and if you have been following the blog, I worry about my platelet level.
Can I say that in Him I trust? The answer is yes! And yes, this is despite some of the issues I am facing now but the trust is also fundamental to allowing God to make the changes even if it might be painful.
I am implicit in my trust in Him but as Jesus had also mentioned about His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane, “the fresh is weak”. I may look well now and seem like a “normal” person but I fear about my “fresh”, whether I would be able to carry on much further physically once I hit the 10th or 11th cycles of my chemotherapy.
But still, In God We Trust!!
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