Love God, Love One Another

The worship team went for their annual retreat last weekend. For obvious reason I am not able to join them although I would dearly loved to go.

A sister was kind enough to summarise the message that was given during the retreat. I’ve replicated it here with some minor editing:

“As you may be aware the retreat theme was "Love God, Love One Another". Very briefly, worship pastor spoke to us from John 15, Jesus' final words to His disciples before he went to the cross. He broke up the text into 3 parts:

1.      Our Relationship with God

2.      Our Relationship with One Another and

3.      Our Relationship with the rest of the world.

A)    Reminding us to remain in God and firmly grounded in His Word, then to obey His word, honouring Him, loving Him, loving and serving others; in this way we worship him with our lives in everything we do.

B)    Recognising our own role, the roles played by other members and supporting them. Recognising the devil's lies. Explaining why we need to love to be fruitful and effective. To be determined and fierce in wanting to love others; not a warm, fuzzy type of love. The stability of the ministry is based on LOVE.”

This sister added that:

“I dun think it’s anything you haven't heard of but for me it was a good reminder to all of us to be wary of the traps that the devil lays down to trip us and cause division.”

Although it is true that these aren't something that I have not heard of, she is also right that it is reminder to us all. As a recap, those who had followed my blog regularly will know that I stressed on relationship fairly often although it is mainly in the context of those around us. What I had not blogged extensively is the relationship with God although I had stressed on the sovereign nature of God.

Kind of make me feel bad that I had not dwell on the relationship with God as much as I should. It is something that I intend to change. For now, if you will indulge me as I expand on point A and B.

For Point A, I firmly believe that the only way we can manifest that ideal is through action. We can honour God by sitting at His feet but if that does not translate to action, how do we showcase that we honour God and how do we serve others.

James 2:18

But someone may well say, “You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works.” (NASB)

Hebrews 11:6

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. (NASB)

As for Point B, there is no greater example than 1 Corinthians 13, The Excellence of Love. However, I would like to point out that Love in this case, as the worship pastor had said is “not a warm, fuzzy type of love”. The love in this case, is actionable; it is something that we must put into practice in its true essence and not just paying lip service. Even for myself I am reminded of what love is in verse 4 to 6 because I am guilty of not practicing everything written there or only practicing it in parts selectively.

1 Corinthians 13

¹ If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, ⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

⁸ Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part; ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. ¹¹ When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. ¹² For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. ¹³ But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. (NASB)

As summary, this is Christ’s own word:

Matthew 22:37-40

³⁷ And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the great and foremost commandment. ³⁹ The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” (NASB)

Do I love Him? Yes

Do I show it all the time? No and guilty as charged. Need to change, need to love and need to show it.

In God I Trust that He will show me the way.

Sign of the Journey

Just thought I let you have peek at the sign of my journey.

Attached is a picture of my finger nails. If you will notice, there are 5 distinct horizontal lines across the nails. Each line corresponds to the 5 chemo-cycles that I had gone through.

For those CSI fans, you will know that each line represents the intake of “poison”, i.e. chemotherapy drugs.  There is a wider gap between the 3^rd line and the 4^th line from the finger tip and this correspond to the one week delay in therapy due to low platelet count.

Can I say “Enjoy”?

In God I Trust.

Inspiration

This morning, after completing my latest entry “Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Comment #03”, I was hoping to continue to blog but was too tired to continue and went to bed.

The subject matter was going to be about “inspiration” and recently, there seen to be a lack of inspiration on what to write and I was thinking of blogging that there is relatively less entry in my blog due to this lack.  God must have His sense of timing and humour because this morning, I received a sms and there was a comment posted on my blog. Both messages gave me the inspiration to post this entry.

I had signed in and posted a message on a church friend’s blog on Caringbridge.com. I was a little surprised to receive a message in response. No, no… there was no reproach or repercussion with regards to the messages but it was an open communication and very much appreciated as it is. When this friend’s little daughter was in hospital for cancer, it was a little tough for me because both Josie and me loves kids and at that point we didn’t have any. Therefore, to see the little girl the way she was in NUH was somewhat “heart wrenching”.

Sidetrack here:

I worked in the healthcare sector as a project manager and there are many places in the hospital that I have to go to as part of my work but there is always one place that if I can help it, I would not want to go and that is the Neonatal ICU. Seeing the tinny premature babies ALWAYS brings sad tears to my eyes. A close 2^nd place would be the Burns ICU.

PLEASE… PLEASE!!! Watch your child in the kitchen. I once had to witness a little girl having her wound cleaned in the hospital because she was scalded by hot water at home. For those that knows me, I’m not a “softies” but let’s just say her cries were something I could not stomach and I had to leave although I was providing support for the equipment in use

Back to this friend…

I used to be quite hesitant when it comes to socializing been lacking (in my personal opinion) in certain social skills and EQ. You will have noticed by now that I refers to Josie a lot in my blogs.  In many ways, she is my “saving grace” because without her, my social life would not have “improved”.  So it was a little awkward, at that time, in that I do not know what to do when I was in NUH and whether I should visit or not. Of course there were other considerations like I had go to ICUs and certain areas where construction are going on and so not really wise to visit a cancer patient after that not knowing if I am “clean”.  I know this friend don’t blame me if I did not visit but regardless, through this period, I know from personal experience that very often, it is the very small things that could mean the whole world to the family. The little gestures, the little word of encouragement, the little “look” to say “I am with you”, the messages or comments on the blog.

It is with Josie’s influence that I got a little “thick skin” and not be afraid of what others’ think but to do what would encourage others. Worse case is that the recipients do not appreciate the gestures but what lost is there for the giver?  For Christ also did not wait for willing recipients of His Grace and Mercy before he choose to become man to show us the fullness of His Grace and saved us.  Christ is the greatest example that we can follow.

Take time to love, take time to be with a friend, take time to empathies, visit those in need, help those that need help, make the telephone call, send a message BUT just be mindful and considerate to the recipients because we should love at the recipients’ convenience and not our own because if we do it at our own convenience, it is selfish and not selfless.

You may not think it, but these little things do matter to us and are appreciated.

The second message was a comment posted on my blog entry "牵我的手 主耶稣". I was again very surprised! Really did not know what I had done way back (I guess more that 9-10 years ago?) could have such outcome. It does show that the “little” things that we do sometime do go a long way.

What I wish to say in this case is that we are a community, not saying or doing anything does not improve anything. Saying or doing something may have negative impact but it also offers up the opportunities where lives could be touched. What’s the risk? The only risk is when you do what you do out of selfish concern rather than what Christ had taught. Let Christ show the way even as Christmas approaches, let Him come into your lives, dwell in you and in return, let His love flow to those around you.

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. (NASB)

Mark 12:31

The second is this, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” (NASB)

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (NASB)

He touched me, he sent others to touched me and In HIM I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Comment #03

It’s been 6 days since the start of the 6^th cycle of chemotherapy. The body is adjusting back to “normal” and because I am off the steroid medication (only has to take for the 1^st 4 days), the blood sugar level is getting easier to manage.

On the 4^th day of each cycle, I have to give myself a booster jab to boost my white cell count. I was told that the body may ache because of the jab. For the first 4 cycles, the ache wasn’t really pronounced and I get by not noticing the ache. The 5^th and 6^th cycle was different thought. These 2 cycles, the ache is more noticeable running down the neck to the back and shoulders. It is a bit irritating but no real hassle.

Saw my surgeon on Friday, not much to report here. It was just a regular follow-up and there is really nothing much to say since my cancer is still in-operable. The next visit will be at the end of the 12^th cycles and see what could be done then. There is a slight issue with the possibility of the bile duct showing early sign of occlusion but my liver function test/numbers is normal and I do not have jaundice. So, the advice is to monitor myself for signs of jaundice. Anyway, if the bile duct occlusion really does happen, the remedy is to have a stent inserted to open the bile duct. Surgeon did say I look quite well and advice me to keep a positive spirit.

The tongue, teeth and finger tips are getting more numbed but it is expected as part of my chemotherapy.

I am alright, just a little tired.

In  God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Comment #02

Not feeling too well today as I am somewhat more lethargic than yesterday.  Possible because the blood sugar level is not managed well. Going to “gate-crash” my specialist at 2pm today to see what could be done. Still a little dehydrated but other than that all is well.

For today I'll be sorting out some work and personal admin on my computer.

In God I Trust that all will be well.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Comment #01

Feeling well today except for the “normal” side-effect but it is not as bad as the previous cycles, possibly because the does is at 65% level.  The worse I am felling is the numbness in the tongue and teeth.

Appetite is still good but I have to control my diet more carefully for the next few days as I’m on steroidal medication to control the nausea.  These steroids will elevate the blood sugar level, for normal folks it is of no issue but for diabetic like me, I have to careful.

Quite dehydrated as well and so I got to drink a lot of water.

A few days ago, received a message from an old friend that had migrated to the US. On the day she sent the message, she had just completed a marathon that morning and saw some runners’ wearing t-shirts with the following verse “…let us run with endurance/patience the race that is set before us…”

The verse is from Hebrew 12:1-3 (Jesus, the Example)
¹ Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (NASB)

The verse was given to me to encourage me to persevere and run the good race as I was also told that my blogs does help to “encourage and put really important things into perspective. People will go through trials, gain some insight and realign their priorities. Only to forget, once things return to normal. So your blog I’m sure will remind some of what truly matters.”

What a perfect timing to remind me further of God’s grace and mercy towards me and it really encourages me to continue with the blog and hopefully there are those out there who will be touched and encouraged by my blog.

Furthermore, we are reminded of the sacrifice that Jesus had made for us on the cross. Therefore, considering that Christ had endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that we will not grow weary and lose heart.  It is such an encouragement for me to further endure and persevere, to set Christ as my example and also to lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith and my faith is set on His sovereignty over my life.

In Him I Truly Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Comment

I’m happy to report that the chemotherapy went ahead today as the platelet count went above 100 ×10⁹ per liter level. The actual platelet level is 112 ×10⁹ per liter level. The nurses at the clinic were surprised and joked with me how I got the level up.

I saw the Oncologist today as well and all is in order except for my platelet level.  In order to avoid future postponements, the chemo dosage level is reduced to 65% level. I guess because the drug dose is at 65%, the side-effects aren’t as strong and I feel fine except for the dehydration, very slight nausea and tinkling in the tongue and finger tips.

The other good news is that most of the lab results are better than last week. One significant improvement is that my haemoglobin is in the “normal” range. Red blood cell count is below normal range but only by just a little bit but still higher than last week. The liver function numbers are also in the normal and better range.

God is good and In Him I Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 Comment #02

Tomorrow I’ll be going for my 3^rd blood test for Chemotherapy Cycle #06. Hopefully the platelet count will be high enough for the therapy to proceed.

Last Thursday (15 Nov), I had an appointment with my doctor looking after my hypertension, hyper-cholesterol and diabetes.

a)      For hypertension, as a consequent of my chemotherapy, my blood pressure had dropped significantly but had remained constant so far and so I am told to continue to stop taking my hypertension medication.

b)      Similarly for hyper-cholesterol, my cholesterol level had dropped but in the most recent test, the cholesterol is borderline high but because my HDL (good cholesterol) level is high, I am told to continue to stop taking my cholesterol medication. Will have a test in 3 months time to see what the level is and if I need to restart my medication.

c)      For my diabetes, because my blood glucose level continues to be relatively high despite taking oral diabetes medication and short acting insulin, I was given additional insulin that is longer acting and I need not take the oral diabetes medication anymore. The last few days, the blood glucose level has come down to a level that is more ideal. Previously, I had to inject myself before every meal and since I do take supper, I had to inject myself 4 times a day. With the additional insulin, I have to continue to adjust the amount of the longer acting insulin in order to derive an ideal amount to inject. It is much better because with the new regime, I only need to inject myself twice a day before breakfast and dinner.

I’m praying that the platelet count will be high so that the chemotherapy will not be postponed anymore. Don’t know if I will need platelet transfusion if the count is still low tomorrow.

I trust God that He will do what is necessary and good for me.

In God I Trust.

牵我的手 主耶稣

Just Musing, Part 2

I was putting away some books that Josie was reading and I saw this book written by a church member concerning his life, I have not gone through the book but from just glancing through, it detailed his life’s journey, his career and his family. Let’s just say that he had a successful military career before been seconded to civil service and now he is fully retired.

He may have a successful career but life had also thrown and placed him in difficult position. One of his grand-daughter passed away from cancer at very tender age. His younger daughter had lymphoma but now fully recovered and has a baby girl that happens to have the same birthday as Nathan.

You must be wondering why I mentioned about this person?

It is because he epitomised some of the traits, successes and respects that I desired but could or did not have. When I was glancing through his book, it reminded me of the time when I was in the youth ministry and in later years when I was asked to move and help establish an extension centre. Throughout this period, those who knew me would know that I had put my heart and soul into services within the church but without going into lengthy dissertation, let’s just say that I remained in the periphery of the church social circles. I have to admit that my character and personality did not help in getting me to integrate into the “mainstream” social circle within the church. It brought back a lot of unpleasant memory in the extension centre/parish of how my request to be mentored was put aside because I was considered “un-teachable” or not been considered for any leadership role because there are always others who are more suitable. It took a long heart to heart talk with the pastor before the some thoughts and effort was placed to “rectify” the situation.

In all honesty, I was not an easy person to know or get along with in the first place. Therefore, such behavior or attitude towards me should not be unexpected. Few could or would be able to understand me but those that do have a life-long friend.

Anyway, circumstances, marriage and the need to bring my mother in law to a Hock-kian service caused me to move back to my “home” church (i.e. the church I was in before moving to the extension centre). Here is where Josie comes into the picture because there are those that told me that after marriage, I am more sociable and generous. All credit really has to go to Josie because she really did change me for the better.

I was told privately once that there are those in the extension centre who though that I am a miser and since this is my blog, I would like to take the opportunity to say that when I was in JC, the money that I have is my mother’s hard earned monies as a single parent. When I was studying in the Polytechnic, except for my school fees, every cent that I had to spent came from working part-time and giving tuition. I have neither ECA to talk about nor any school social life because almost every free daytime during the weekdays was spent working part-time in NUH or giving tuition.

Despite all these, God really has been good to me especially having given me Josie who changed my life for the better in more ways that I could describe. He also gave me Nathan who is such a joy. He gave me a good career in my present job as a project manager, respected by most customers (can’t pleased everyone) especially a few that says that they are comfortable as long as I am on the case (sorry, blowing my own trumpet).

By the way, it was a long wait for Josie to come into my life but the wait was very worth it.

Coming back to the book, I look at the life and career of this person and there is really nothing I could externally see that I would not want emulate. It is therefore with some sadness that the cancer happened to me at this stage of my life where I could start establishing myself within family, church and work. I have to take a backseat now and watch to a certain extent the world go by.

I am still a tough person to know and one that is still quick to judge and short tempered. There is still a long way for me to go before I can achieve what this person had achieved and this led me to the 2^nd part of this musing, of the time when Josie’s mother passed away.

During the wakes and funeral, this particular song was played over and over again as it was Josie mother’s favorite song.

It is in Hock-kian and I am translating as best as I can.

作主的门徒  (To be a disciple of the Lord)

By: 苏世民 (Kelvin Soh)

牵我的手   主耶稣, (Hold my hand Lord Jesus)

求你保守甲看顾 (Pray that You protect and watch over me)

保守阮的心   顾阮的脚步, (Protect my heart and watch over my steps)

忠心跟随你道路; (Whole heartedly following Your ways)

牵我的手   主耶稣, (Hold my hand Lord Jesus)

求你为阮来开路 (Pray that You will open the way)

一步搁一步   随你的脚步 (Step by step following after Your foot step)

唔惊路途多坎坷 (Not afraid of how difficult the journey is)

主耶稣  啊  主耶稣 (Lord Jesus Oh Lord Jesus)

阮欲作你的门徒 (I want to be Your disciple)

主耶稣  啊  主耶稣 (Lord Jesus Oh Lord Jesus)

阮欲作你的门徒 (I want to be Your disciple)

The song epitomised Josie mother’s attitude as a young Christian and during her last moments. On her death-bed, despite the pain she was going through, she has never denial God and in fact, called out to Jesus with every breadth she could muster.

I see her faith and I read the lyrics of this song you can say it can also be an anthem for me in my walk.  There is still a long way for me to go and grow, to change for the better as a Christian within the Christian circle, at the workplace and in general. As a person I am not perfect and therefore I should not judge including those things I had written here about others. I had written it here more as punch-point for this conclusion.

I pray that God will guide my path and walk with me for the remaining time I have on this earth, no matter how long he has given me, to love, to cherish, to give, to forgive and to ask for forgiveness those that is around me.

I pray that God will also protect and guide the path of Josie and Nathan. For Nathan, that he will grow up strong in stature and in the knowledge of God, faith and wisdom in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

In all these things, in Him I Trust and Obey.

Just Musing

Not much really to report but some good news on the physical level as the nose bleed is healing well and there was no bleeding for the last 5 days.

My blood sugar level is a little difficult to control since my appetite is good such that there is the tendency to eat “normally”, in other words, meaning eating a lot. I will be seeing my Specialist that is taking care of my hypertension, high cholesterol and diabetes and see what can be done via medication to control the blood sugar level. Giving higher dose of insulin will help but too high a dose runs the risk of hypoglycemia.

By this Saturday, from the completion of the last chemo cycle till now would be 3 weeks. Hope things will be ok despite missing the chemo although the duty oncologist says it is ok. I am having a bit of on and off abdominal pain for the last 3 days now but hope it is due to the gas in the digestive tract.

Josie had recently forwarded a testimony from the late Dr. Richard Teo who died from cancer. In the testimony, he mentioned that he heard directly from God and that was before his conversion. I was a little upset because, Dr. Teo, despite all his denial of God, he managed to hear directly from God and I don’t! I am not angry or blaming God or anything like that, just that I am wondering why I could not hear directly from God. In any case, my trust in God is unconditional, I still have the bible.

Josie was unconditional in her love and support of me in my current situation. As I had blogged before, she had to work and after coming home, have to take care of Nathan. There were moments of tension and disagreement but we managed to go through it together and come out stronger.

Nathan is a joy to both Josie and me. We often say “how to get angry with this boy?” when he gives you that innocent smile or that cheeky look although he was naughty.  During the initial phase of my chemotherapy, I was wondering why God gave Nathan to Josie and me and yet allowed me to have cancer. Then, after a while, I realize that Nathan is as much a support for me during this period as much as Josie is.  Although “rare”, I occasionally will bring Nathan out for a walk in his stroller as he is too heavy now for me to carry him for and extended period. During the walk, he will mumble to himself and often point to things he knows and named the things/items like butterfly, sun, motorbike, M (outside Macdonald) and when he turn around and call out “Pa Pa”, it is as one advertisement had presented all so correctly, it is “Priceless”!!

There were encouraging words from lots of people, some close, some not so close, some that I have not met or spoken to for a long time, some that I do not know but are Josie’s friends, some from church, from cell group, from colleagues and bosses and from Josie’s family.  So far, the transportations were taken care of by Josie’s family and our god-family. I could not have gone through my chemotherapy without their support.  This is why I had blogged about the importance of family.

There were those that made beef and black chicken tonic for me, gave me insulin needles, got me alcohol swops, help me get discount at TTSH pharmacy, help buy Glucerna diabetic milk powder at a huge discount, colleague from Taiwan who got Chrysanthemum flower for tea and almond powder, our god-family’s sister for the communion packs so that Josie, me and Nathan can have “private” communion as a family, church and pastor for the communions before every chemotherapy cycle, Josie’s family (three of whom are pastors) for prayer chain and the occasional communions, the lawyer that did our wills and prayed for me. For those that had helped but are not listed here, it is not that the things done are not important, just that there is so many that I could not remember all of them.

During the first 4 cycles of chemotherapy, God has been good as my appetite was good and in fact, I had gained about 2kg since the start of my chemotherapy.  My Oncologist says that he has patients who had lost all their hair by the end of the 4^th cycles but my hair are still there although a lot thinner.  My liver is getting better and on further analysis, I realize that my stomach is not churning anymore for about 2 weeks now. This is so much different from when I was first diagnosed with gastritis in March. Praise God, aye!!

I know what I had written here rather than encouraging readers may actually have the opposite effects, since there are especially so many things that God has blessed me with but I would like say that God can do the same for you. Just trust and obey, lean on Him and He will carry you. I say this from personal experience. God can really do all things and give good gifts as a Father would to His children.

Not all things are rosy as I had blogged previously.

a)      Complete healing had not occurred miraculously, my is a process and I really do not know how long the process will take.

b)      As I had not heard directly from God, I do not know if I will see Nathan reached 21.

c)      Could not claim some insurance as my cancer was discovered during the lock-out period.

d)     Platelet count was low after the 5^th chemo cycle and had my 6^th chemo postponed 2 weeks in a row.

e)      Lots of tension at home, when I tried to clear unused or old stuffs.

f)       Could not eat what I want and like not because of the chemotherapy but because of my diabetes.

g)      Could not join the worship team’s retreat next weekend.

All in all, can I complain and can I sulk? No, No…

God is good, God is carrying me, God is looking after Josie and Nathan and God will blessed those who had is their big and small ways blessed me, Josie and Nathan.

He deserves our love and trust.

In Him I put all my trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / 2nd Postponement

As a summary, I have completed 5 cycles of Chemotherapy. Suppose to have gone for my 6^th cycles last week but could not do so because my platelet level is too low. Was supposed to continue with the therapy this week but the platelet level did not did not go up to the level where the oncologist is comfortable with proceeding with the therapy.

Hopefully the platelet count will go above 100×109 per liter level, but minimally must be above 90 by next Monday.

The cancer had originally spread to the liver but based on the last CT scan, the cancer in the liver had regressed but the tumor in the pancreas is still there but it had not increased in size. So, overall, it is good news. I won’t know the prognosis until I see the oncologist the next time round.

I can only ask for your prayer that the platelet count will go up.

I am doing well, a little upset that the therapy could not proceed but not angry. I trust that God has His reason for the postponement.

In Him I Trust and will continue to do so.

Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Further Postponement / Updates

Today, in morning, I was having a little bit of sniffer but I’m feeling a lot better now. I had decided to head over to TTSH tomorrow and see if I can proceed with my therapy.  It will depend on the nurses, my oncologist and the platelet count if my therapy can proceed.

I guess I can only ask for prayer that my therapy can proceed because I do not wish for the delay or postponement so that the cancer does not have any chance to re-grow.

I’m trusting God to do what is best for me.

In Him I Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Further Postponement

Further bad news but there’s a silver lining too.

Looks like I will have to miss coming Monday’s Chemotherapy as I am coming down with flu.  2 weeks ago, Josie was having a cough but fortunately I did not catch that bug but this time around, it can’t be helped, I picked up the flu from my mom who started having the flu a few days ago.

My flu symptom is not severe but I guess this is probably because I had the flu vaccination before I started my chemotherapy. Flu vaccination does not protect again new strains of flu or all flu strains but cover most of the common flu stains. Should have taken Pneumococcal vaccination as well but forgot about it.

For those that do not vaccinate yourself against the flu, I strongly suggest that you do. It will save you a lot of hassle by preventing flu or reduce the severity of the flu symptom if you do catch one. Most GP would be able to provide flu vaccination but if you have the time, go to any of the travel and vaccination clinic in TTSH, NUH or SGH.  I personally will recommend TTSH as they are most experienced, with nurses who will counsel you before giving the vaccine and if you have any other vaccinations need, TTSH’s Traveler’s Health and Vaccination Clinic stocked the most comprehensive vaccines for adults.

The good news is that the platelet count is probably on the upswing as I can notice that the bleeding from the needle stick is stopping relatively faster but the blood is still a “running” so the platelet count is still not as high. The cut I had on my gum did not develop into an ulcer. My nose bleed is healing again but I am sneezing quite a bit from the flu and I hope the nose don’t bleed again.

If I miss the coming Monday’s chemotherapy, it will be 2 weeks that I had miss cycle 6.  I hope this will not give the cancer the chance to “re-grow”

That’s all for now and I will be posting some thoughts soon, just need to collect my thoughts and organise the information.

Cheers and In God I Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Postponed

The chemotherapy for today was postponed till next Monday.  My platelet count is too low at 66. 

Nothing can be done to boost the platelet count. The body will have to do the work to produce the platelet. If not, have to receive transfusion of platelet but my count is not that low as to resort to transfusion.

All my other results are either good or maintained at the same level as previous tests. My red blood cell and haemoglobin is below normal marginally but of no major concern.

I may suggest to the Oncologist to modulate the cycle of my therapies to 2 and 1/2 weeks instead of 2 weeks to give the body time to produce the platelet.

Please pray for the platelet count to increase by this coming Monday.

In God I Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 Comment #01 / Communion

Tomorrow is another day and another chemotherapy cycle. Looking forward to the session but I am afraid that the platelet count may be too low for the therapy to proceed.  How did I derive at this conclusion? While testing my blood sugar, I have to do finger prick but the bleeding was slow to stop.

I ask for your prayer that the platelet count would be high so that the therapy could proceed and that I can reach the 8th cycle as soon as possible for the next CT scan to be done and see what the outcome is.

Today, Pastor conducted communion for the family with 2 other church member in attendance. Due to the time (5pm but changed to 6pm), we did not really ask for the other family and cell group members to attend and so it was kind of a private communion.

I think because it was a small group, Pastor did not have a scripture or preached but simply prayed. Guess what? Read my last blog about “2 Sides To A Coin”. I do believe in coincidence but in this case I believe it is God’s plan because what Pastor prayed about was also what I had blogged about almost to the point except for the insurance bit. What specifically struck me was the point about being strong, me for Josie and Josie for me, about the length of my life and my desire to see Nathan grow up, appetite, etc.

Josie was really touched with the communion and the prayer and it gave her the added boost that she needed. Is it God’s providence? Absolutely!!!

How not to trust Him? Really!! How!!

In Him I, Josie and Nathan Trust!!!

Two Sides To A Coin

As I had posted in the previous blog “Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #05 Comment #04”, a lot of people had mentioned that I looked “well” and “normal” and I thank God for it because it is Him that is helping me. A lot of people also said that a lot of it also had to do with mental strength but I have a different opinion on that and this blog is meant to dispel the impression the all is rosy and that there seem to be no worries in my life.

Josie and I were having lunch on Sunday with our god-family and as with any lunches with friends and family, we got to talk and with this family, the talk is more casual and intimate at the same time due to closeness of the two families.

They were mentioning that most of my post were positive and that is good but whether I had considered that the posts were so good that some people might get turned off and maybe that’s why the recent posts did not get as many hits as the earlier posts as everything seem to be rosy and good and so what for continue to follow the posts.

Before I go into the “Dark Sides” of things, I have to mention that this blog was set up to document my journey and also to try and encourage those in the same situation as me. After thinking about what was mentioned to me, I realize that there are 2 sides to the coins. All the positive posts so far are the good side of the coin

It was suggested that maybe I should mention some of the “not so good things” as everything is not as rosy as it looks simply because I did not mention some of the major challenges of chemotherapy and the emotional toils it had created in me and in my family. I may look well and I may look normal but I am not. You may see me smile in church but you do not see the occasional frustration, the anger, the temper, the financial worries, the care for Josie and Nathan should God chose to take me home earlier that what I had asked for.

Last night, I had cut my gum while brushing my teeth and most certainly the cut will develop into an ulcer and the last ulcer I had took more than a month to heal, or that last night I had sneezed and the right nostril bled again. I can post in my blog that “oh… ulcer again, very painful, hard to eat my food…” or that God is good and helped healed the previous ulcer although it took more than a month. Which statement would do the greater good?

When the cancer was first diagnosed, I did some web search and depending  on which web-sites you go to or which studies you take the information from, the 5-year survival rate is anywhere from 1% to 10% and these are for people who had surgery done to get the tumor removed. In my case, the condition is inoperable and the surgeon and oncologist give about median survival of 22 months (in July), i.e. survival could be up to 5 years or more but all depends on the next seven cycles of chemotherapies. I leaned towards the scientific data due to my biotechnology background and work in the medical industry and had thus gauges survival initially base on scientific data. God of course worked on a totally different data-set.

Therefore, if I dwell on the “dark side” of the coin, I have anywhere from 9 months to maximum of about 5 years to live.

Anyway, the news was devastating for Josie and it was hard for her initially and my thought surprisingly was “who is going to change the light bulbs for her”. You may think it is funny but I am a very practical person and practically, how is Josie really going to cope without me especially since Nathan was only 14 months at that point. I trust and believe God will give me the time I asked for, no more, no less and on His grace and mercy I am depending on Him and God’s agenda in this case might be different from what medical sciences says.

About my chemotherapies, usually about 2 to 3 three hours after every chemotherapy session, I really do not feel well and the confession now (which Josie will get to read) is that in reality, I had put up a strong front, mustering as much strength as I could to lessen her worries. It does not mean that I am incapacitated, just that it takes some effort to remain strong for her and Nathan. For 3 to 4 days after chemotherapy, I am general weak and it really takes effort to get to a standing position from either sitting or lying down due to general weakness and low blood pressure.

There are challenges at home that I will not mention in detail as these are personal and to be kept within the house but I had to go through about 6 weeks of wrangling before certain things done and completed. In the process, there are all kinds of frustration the family had to go through. I get jumpy and occasionally, out of frustration and using politically correct terminology, I get into emotionally charged display of displeasure or I get into a display of discontent at the slightest disagreement.  Now! I have to add that in all of these displays, there is that one person who is so forgiving and enduring that more often than not, I feel ashamed. If you had followed my blog, you would know who the person I am talking about. Such love and patience…

Emotionally and mentally, the strength is not from me alone although I would say that as a very practical person, there is no use crying over what I cannot change but I looked to God for His grace and mercy to carry me through. Therefore, it is not that I am strong emotionally or mentally, but it is that I had released everything to God, "...to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, ²¹ to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21 (NASB)

I worry about work as I had expended all my medical and hospital leave allowance and not sure when I will have to be placed on no pay leave and that means no salary. My employer is good and very flexible with regards to my work but I worry none the less because there is just so much HR can bend before corporate policies have to take precedence.

The insurance monies had been paid out but it really isn’t much due to my late entry into the job market as a diploma holder at the age of 24 as a laboratory technologist with low average salary and hence the insufficiency in funds to purchase higher insurance coverage. Over the years, God had been good and I have a good career with decent salaries allowing me to purchased additional insurance coverage but it came at a much higher premium due to my age and pre-existing medical condition. God is good in that I have very low debt to service but anyway, the bottom-line is that I still need to manage my finances not for me but for Nathan.

When it came to insurance, there were a lot of missteps due in part to the agents and in part to the Insurance agency. Again, I will leave out the details but heed my words, look for a trustworthy insurance/financial advisor to go through your portfolio, make sure the new policies are documented and completed in a timely manner. Make sure you know what you are buying into and please do shop around.  I did not shop around, trusting an old friend when I brought policies from Company A for Nathan and ended up paying more for lesser coverage and one particular policy is actually “free” if I had brought my policies with Company B.

Now, I have make a disclaimer here, the fault is not completely on the part of the agent but in large part due to the agency’s procedure, policies and product availability.

You might ask why I am talking about insurance here and where is the “dark side” of all these?

When I brought the policies for Nathan, there were 2 exclusions for me as a payer due to my pre-existing medical conditions.  As I do not understand the 2nd exclusion since it was written in a complex legal terminology, I sought clarification from Company A but the company’s underwriter for some reason refuse to explain the legal clauses stating that those are standard exclusion clauses. Now, I did not disagree with the exclusion but only wanted to have a clearer understanding of the exclusion so that I can made an informed decision.  My mistake was buying the policy without buying the payer benefit component concurrently.  After 2 months of to and fro communication and wrangling, seeking clarification with Company A, finally, we got the policies signed but lo and behold, I was discovered with cancer and there is a 90 days lock-out period and I am not eligible to make a claim. If the clarifications had been concluded within 1 month, the 90 days lock-out period would have lapsed by the time my cancer was diagnosed and I could make a claim.

For Company B, the particular exclusion that I don’t understand is totally not present from the onset. Thus I say that Company B is so much better in terms of underwriting and premiums. Also it took only 5 days for the whole matter to be settled and policy signed (Really!!).

I have also been recalcitrant in terms of my diet because of my diabetes but my Oncologist and TCM doctor says to eat if I can but my blood sugar was very difficult to manage. I have to check my blood sugar and inject insulin before each meal, my fingers and tummy are full for holes from needles.

Poor Josie, she has to work and take care of Nathan after work, it really is tough on her but I suspect she is like me, putting up a strong front in order to be strong for me and the family. I still remember one of the TV advertisements on the family on by MCYS where the widow was giving a touching eulogy about her late husband and mentioned all the quirky things about the late husband but he was still her husband and she loved him despite the quirkiness. I thought about Josie and all the good things I can say and no, she does not farts the stinking fart like me but we do have our arguments and disagreements that you folks don’t get to see and this is the not so good side of the coin. Most time she gives in to me as husband and head of the house.

Husband, love your wife:

“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;” Ephesians 5:28 (NASB)

¹⁰An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. ¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. ¹²She does him good and not evil all the days of her life...” Proverbs 31:10-12 (NASB)

There is balance in life, there are good and there are bad but in all things:

“⁹He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him ¹⁰with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth. In Him ¹¹also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, ¹²to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory. ¹³In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, ¹⁴who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God’s own possession, to the praise of His glory.” Ephesians 1:9-14 (NASB)

How can we not trust in him then through the good times and the bad times?

As for me and my house, We Will Trust In Him.