Josie and I were having lunch on Sunday with our god-family and as with any lunches with friends and family, we got to talk and with this family, the talk is more casual and intimate at the same time due to closeness of the two families.
They were mentioning that most of my post were positive and that is good but whether I had considered that the posts were so good that some people might get turned off and maybe that’s why the recent posts did not get as many hits as the earlier posts as everything seem to be rosy and good and so what for continue to follow the posts.
Before I go into the “Dark Sides” of things, I have to mention that this blog was set up to document my journey and also to try and encourage those in the same situation as me. After thinking about what was mentioned to me, I realize that there are 2 sides to the coins. All the positive posts so far are the good side of the coin
It was suggested that maybe I should mention some of the “not so good things” as everything is not as rosy as it looks simply because I did not mention some of the major challenges of chemotherapy and the emotional toils it had created in me and in my family. I may look well and I may look normal but I am not. You may see me smile in church but you do not see the occasional frustration, the anger, the temper, the financial worries, the care for Josie and Nathan should God chose to take me home earlier that what I had asked for.
Last night, I had cut my gum while brushing my teeth and most certainly the cut will develop into an ulcer and the last ulcer I had took more than a month to heal, or that last night I had sneezed and the right nostril bled again. I can post in my blog that “oh… ulcer again, very painful, hard to eat my food…” or that God is good and helped healed the previous ulcer although it took more than a month. Which statement would do the greater good?
When the cancer was first diagnosed, I did some web search and depending on which web-sites you go to or which studies you take the information from, the 5-year survival rate is anywhere from 1% to 10% and these are for people who had surgery done to get the tumor removed. In my case, the condition is inoperable and the surgeon and oncologist give about median survival of 22 months (in July), i.e. survival could be up to 5 years or more but all depends on the next seven cycles of chemotherapies. I leaned towards the scientific data due to my biotechnology background and work in the medical industry and had thus gauges survival initially base on scientific data. God of course worked on a totally different data-set.
Therefore, if I dwell on the “dark side” of the coin, I have anywhere from 9 months to maximum of about 5 years to live.
Anyway, the news was devastating for Josie and it was hard for her initially and my thought surprisingly was “who is going to change the light bulbs for her”. You may think it is funny but I am a very practical person and practically, how is Josie really going to cope without me especially since Nathan was only 14 months at that point. I trust and believe God will give me the time I asked for, no more, no less and on His grace and mercy I am depending on Him and God’s agenda in this case might be different from what medical sciences says.
About my chemotherapies, usually about 2 to 3 three hours after every chemotherapy session, I really do not feel well and the confession now (which Josie will get to read) is that in reality, I had put up a strong front, mustering as much strength as I could to lessen her worries. It does not mean that I am incapacitated, just that it takes some effort to remain strong for her and Nathan. For 3 to 4 days after chemotherapy, I am general weak and it really takes effort to get to a standing position from either sitting or lying down due to general weakness and low blood pressure.
There are challenges at home that I will not mention in detail as these are personal and to be kept within the house but I had to go through about 6 weeks of wrangling before certain things done and completed. In the process, there are all kinds of frustration the family had to go through. I get jumpy and occasionally, out of frustration and using politically correct terminology, I get into emotionally charged display of displeasure or I get into a display of discontent at the slightest disagreement. Now! I have to add that in all of these displays, there is that one person who is so forgiving and enduring that more often than not, I feel ashamed. If you had followed my blog, you would know who the person I am talking about. Such love and patience…
Emotionally and mentally, the strength is not from me alone although I would say that as a very practical person, there is no use crying over what I cannot change but I looked to God for His grace and mercy to carry me through. Therefore, it is not that I am strong emotionally or mentally, but it is that I had released everything to God, "...to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21 (NASB)
I worry about work as I had expended all my medical and hospital leave allowance and not sure when I will have to be placed on no pay leave and that means no salary. My employer is good and very flexible with regards to my work but I worry none the less because there is just so much HR can bend before corporate policies have to take precedence.
The insurance monies had been paid out but it really isn’t much due to my late entry into the job market as a diploma holder at the age of 24 as a laboratory technologist with low average salary and hence the insufficiency in funds to purchase higher insurance coverage. Over the years, God had been good and I have a good career with decent salaries allowing me to purchased additional insurance coverage but it came at a much higher premium due to my age and pre-existing medical condition. God is good in that I have very low debt to service but anyway, the bottom-line is that I still need to manage my finances not for me but for Nathan.
When it came to insurance, there were a lot of missteps due in part to the agents and in part to the Insurance agency. Again, I will leave out the details but heed my words, look for a trustworthy insurance/financial advisor to go through your portfolio, make sure the new policies are documented and completed in a timely manner. Make sure you know what you are buying into and please do shop around. I did not shop around, trusting an old friend when I brought policies from Company A for Nathan and ended up paying more for lesser coverage and one particular policy is actually “free” if I had brought my policies with Company B.
Now, I have make a disclaimer here, the fault is not completely on the part of the agent but in large part due to the agency’s procedure, policies and product availability.
You might ask why I am talking about insurance here and where is the “dark side” of all these?
When I brought the policies for Nathan, there were 2 exclusions for me as a payer due to my pre-existing medical conditions. As I do not understand the 2nd exclusion since it was written in a complex legal terminology, I sought clarification from Company A but the company’s underwriter for some reason refuse to explain the legal clauses stating that those are standard exclusion clauses. Now, I did not disagree with the exclusion but only wanted to have a clearer understanding of the exclusion so that I can made an informed decision. My mistake was buying the policy without buying the payer benefit component concurrently. After 2 months of to and fro communication and wrangling, seeking clarification with Company A, finally, we got the policies signed but lo and behold, I was discovered with cancer and there is a 90 days lock-out period and I am not eligible to make a claim. If the clarifications had been concluded within 1 month, the 90 days lock-out period would have lapsed by the time my cancer was diagnosed and I could make a claim.
For Company B, the particular exclusion that I don’t understand is totally not present from the onset. Thus I say that Company B is so much better in terms of underwriting and premiums. Also it took only 5 days for the whole matter to be settled and policy signed (Really!!).
I have also been recalcitrant in terms of my diet because of my diabetes but my Oncologist and TCM doctor says to eat if I can but my blood sugar was very difficult to manage. I have to check my blood sugar and inject insulin before each meal, my fingers and tummy are full for holes from needles.
Poor Josie, she has to work and take care of Nathan after work, it really is tough on her but I suspect she is like me, putting up a strong front in order to be strong for me and the family. I still remember one of the TV advertisements on the family on by MCYS where the widow was giving a touching eulogy about her late husband and mentioned all the quirky things about the late husband but he was still her husband and she loved him despite the quirkiness. I thought about Josie and all the good things I can say and no, she does not farts the stinking fart like me but we do have our arguments and disagreements that you folks don’t get to see and this is the not so good side of the coin. Most time she gives in to me as husband and head of the house.
Husband, love your wife:
“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;” Ephesians 5:28 (NASB)
10An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12She does him good and not evil all the days of her life...” Proverbs 31:10-12 (NASB)
There is balance in life, there are good and there are bad but in all things:
“9He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him 10with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth. In Him 11also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, 12to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory. 13In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, 14who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God’s own possession, to the praise of His glory.” Ephesians 1:9-14 (NASB)
How can we not trust in him then through the good times and the bad times?
As for me and my house, We Will Trust In Him.
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