Warded in TTSH: Day 12

I went on hospital home leave today to settle some personal admin. Had wanted to attend Easter service but I was a little under the weather and carrying the drainage pouch for the gall bladder was a hindrance.

I got home at about 7am and back to the hospital at about 4:30pm.

The duodenum stenting will be done tomorrow afternoon and in the meanwhile, rest and wait.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 11

It is yet another day with nothing new to report except for a big vomit to clear the stomach. Felt very uncomfortable the whole afternoon and knew that it was probably due to retention but I am much more comfortable now.


Will be going home for a short while tomorrow to clear some personal admin and hopefully feel well enough to attend Easter service.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 10

It was another one of those days with nothing much to report. The doctors came and check that everything is ok and went on their way. The duodenum stenting is on Monday but the time is not known yet. I had requested for home leave on Sunday so that I can do some personal admin and hopefully attend Easter service.

Praise God that all went well so far and that's all for today.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 09

Today was simply a recovery day and spent most of the day resting.

The Senor Consultant came around again and explained that actually the stent for the bile duct had not been inserted yet. What was done currently was to ensure that the bile duct is patent and the tube inserted was meant to drain the bile juice and dilate the bile duct for the stenting. The stenting for the bile duct will be done after the stenting of the small intestine that will be done on Monday.

Coming out of the procedure room after tube insertion for the bile duct, there was initially quite a fair bit of pain but it gradually got better during the day. There is still some pain but not as much and far more bearable.

God is good. He is watching over me. With the nutrient drip, I am picking up some strength.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 08

I got my prayer answer partially today. I had both the PTC and PICC line insertion done at the same time. The procedures went smoothly and there were no complications at all. Near towards the end of the PTC procedure, it was really quite painful and additional sedation had to be given. Lots of bile juice flowed out into an external bag and really yucky looking.

I am trying to rest now but quite difficult due to the pain from the PTC insertion point.


Pray for fast recovery and healing of the procedures' wound. Pray for easing of the pain too.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 07b

I have nothing much to add from this morning's post.

Forgot to mention that I was started on nutrient drip and the nutritionist came by this morning to ask questions about my diet so that they can customise my nutrient compounding. Once hooked up, my mobility is somewhat curtailed but it is a small price to pay in order to get nutrients into my body that I was not able to because of the small intestine (Duodenum) obstruction.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

"My Wished Fulfilled"

'My Wished Fulfilled'. That was the title of an article in The New Paper today, page 13. It is the story of Pastor Lau who had undergone a concurrent heart and liver transplant and passed away on Palm Sunday, 2 days ago.

The poignant thing for me about this article is the prayer of the Pastor's son who is 10 years old and to quote "... he would tell God that if it was better to take his father home "where there's no more suffering, He should do so." The daughter also said that "For him, suffering had never been an issue but finally his heart gave out. It was clearly God's will,.."

I thought of Nathan and remembered my desire for 21 years from the Lord. I think about suffering and it was also not an issue but truth be told, it is an issue. For the first time in my journey, there was persistent pain and discomfort. I would not say that it is “suffering” but it could be a foretaste of what the suffering might be and it is absolutely not pleasant. I refuse to accept the concept of misery because in God there is the assurance of grace and mercy but last night for the first time in a while I had pray directly for healing but I still cling on to the sovereign will of God and I commit my wellbeing to Him in the similarly ways like Pastor Lau's family, they have committed his life to God's will.

My line of thoughts is not in tune generally with the mainstream and some pastors, preachers or evangelists where they claim that healing is in God's intrinsic will and that we can “change” God's mind and uses Scripture where God seem to have “turned around” or again expound the concept of “allowed”. I am not saying that they are wrong as I almost had an argument last week with someone who insist that healing is in God's plan and that we can “change” God's mind not comprehending in their mind that I do believe in healing but that I also places God's sovereign will preeminently and thus my prayer is for the manifestation for God's will first and foremost before I pray for healing.

Last night's prayer is proof of that and I do believe that God will heal but I do not know the extent of that healing because as it is God had already granted me an extension on my life using medical science and for that I deeply grateful.

My brother- in-law who is also Pastor was here and he had come to understand and see my faith and also my position on God's will. He conducted communion for me and I am so blessed by it and I hope for him too.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 07a

The Senior Consultant came around this morning. He was a lot better in explaining the situation and making suggestions. The latest is this:

a)      The PTC will still be done on Wednesday unless Radiology has a slot that opens up today. I was asked if I want a permanent metallic or short term plastic stent. Opted for the permanent stent that is also the Consultant's recommendation.

b)      The PICC line insertion will be done on Thursday but this is not very crucial.

c)      As there is also absolutely no slot available on Thursday for the duodenum stenting, I have to wait till next week and hopefully a slot is available on Monday.

If you are praying, pray for earlier slots to be available.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 06b

Just found out not too long ago that the PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) is actually scheduled for 28^th Thursday and the PTC (Percutaneous Transhepatic Cholangiography) is scheduled for the 27^th Wednesday. Not sure why it is done this way and I'll be asking the doctors about it tomorrow. The PICC line is used for infusion and the PTC is for inserting the stent for the bile duct.

Again, all these means that I'll probably have to stay over the weekend to have the subsequent procedure to open up my small intestine (duodenum) done next week. I am so disappointed as this will mean longer stay in the hospital and postponement for the chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

I'm still hoping for a change and l ask that you pray with me for the change to happen so that all the procedures could be done quickly and that I can be discharged earlier and all the therapies would not be delayed further.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 06a

Today was really another day of waiting and I still was not able to have the procedure done. Tomorrow I will have a PICC line inserted for infusions and the actual procedure for stenting the bile duct on Wednesday. I am praying that the stenting for the small intestine could be done on Thursday.

That's about it. There is really nothing much to report today. I will probably be missing Good Friday and Easter services.

Hopefully I can get discharge in time to register Nathan for nursery class on 4^th April.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 05

Another uneventful day.

I got a lot of visitor which is good and bad at the same time. Good to see friends and relatives but you can't control the timing that they come by and so it was a little difficult to get some rest in the afternoon.

I was told that the slot for the procedure to open up the bile duct is on Wednesday. I will attempt to talk to the doctors tomorrow because the small intestine obstruction is getting worse and even fluids are having difficulty going down. Secondly, if the procedure is on Wednesday for the bile duct, not sure if they can have the procedure to open up the small intestine to be done on Thursday. If not, Friday is Good Friday and a public holiday, in other word, I will probably have to wait till the week after for the procedure and it also means that I have to stay in the hospital longer.

Currently everything is a waiting game even for my nutrient. The doctor ordered what is called "Total Parental Nutrient", i.e. nutrients that is infused directly into the blood but the order went out too late for the pharmacy to prepare the infusion over the weekend.

All these waiting also mean that my radiotherapy and chemotherapy are also postponed and I don't want that. I want to be able to go through the therapies in order to hit the tumor hard. Pray that I can have the procedure to open the bile duct on Monday.  If not, at least Tuesday and that the procedure will be successful and that there is no complication. Pray also that the liquid nutrients that I am drinking can be absorbed. Pray too for miracles and for God to be sovereign.

The Malaysian Gran Prix concluded today. My 2 favorite drivers are nowhere near the podium and what happened today between Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber is one reason why I absolutely do not support Sebastian. He is too arrogant and thought only for himself regardless of the team.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 04

Today was a relatively uneventful day. The only excitement was perhaps when the Senior Consultant came to make the morning rounds and managed to explain carefully what took placed on Friday and what is going to happen over the next few days. From his explanations, it is logical to try and open up the bile duct before trying to open the small intestine and because stenting of the bile duct could not be achieved via the endoscopy route, access will have to be through the abdomen externally. According to the Senior Consultant, the procedure is relatively straight forward but it is done but a Radiologist and for that, I'll have to wait till Monday for it to be scheduled. Once done, they will monitor the situation and then plan for opening the small intestine. There are a lot of technical terms but in the interest of the readers of my blog, I am trying to use as much layman terms as possible that may not provide an accurate picture of what actually is going on and what will be happening.

Anyway, with all these, I'll have to stay in the hospital for at least another 3 more days excluding Sunday.

I ask for prayer that the stenting of the bile duct can be successfully done on Monday followed by quick turnaround for the opening of the small ingesting to be done as soon as possible afterward.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 03

Today was kind of a letdown. I went for the procedure to try and unblock the bile duct but it was not possible due to complication in accessing the region where the stenting could be done. I was a little groggy coming out of the Endoscopy Room and so I did not really ask why the stenting could not be done both for the bile duct and the small intestine. I will try to ask when the Consultant when he comes around for his morning rounds.

I am a little upset because it means staying in TTSH over the weekend and wait for Monday to come along and plan for alternative method for inserting the stent for the bile duct and I was made to fast again because the doctor wanted fasting blood for some tests. This is part I got somewhat angry because why make me fast for one more day when they could have taken the blood this afternoon after the procedure because I was still fasting and had not consumed any food for more than 24 hours.

That is all for today. A friend from my old church came to visit and mentioned that he was quite encouraged by my blog and I was quite touched by his visit and encouragement. Anyway, I am placing everything in God's hands.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 02

Coming to a close for yet another day in TTSH.

Nothing much happened today and I did not have the MRI done as the doctor said that the information from the CT scan done on 6^th Feb was sufficient for the planning the stenting procedure tomorrow. The procedure should be done sometime in the afternoon to try and open up the bile duct but it will also depend on whether the scope can be inserted through the small intestine (duodenum) to access the bile duct. This is the part that I am concerned about because I know that the intestine blockage is really bad. Pray that the scope can be inserted through.

The doctor had allowed me to take some food but I know the stomach will not fully empty out before the procedure and so I may have to force myself to vomit again.

 
A couple came to pray for me today with some prophetic words. Won't be posting it now but will do so retrospectively as well as sharing the word that Vicar had shared on Tuesday's Communion.

I need to rest and for the stomach to clear before the procedure. Just ask that you pray for these two things.

In God We Trust
Hebrew 11:1

Warded in TTSH: Day 01

Sigh... I got warded in TTSH again. This time around it is on the advice of my Oncologist as my bilirubin level is getting higher and need to do something about it before going for radiotherapy. I will be going for a MRI tomorrow (hopefully) to ascertain how much obstruction there is in the bile duct and then plan for stenting.

There is also the obstruction of the small intestine that at the present moment the doctor is not able to determine if they can open it up with stenting.

Because I am not absorbing much nutrients from the food and also dehydrated, my potassium level is low they are infusing potassium. It is very painful.

End of this first night.

In God We Trust.
Hebrew 11:1

Radiotherapy: Pre-therapy #04

I am still waiting for TTSH to call me concerning my chemotherapy.

The last few days were a challenge for me. Trying to eat and I still can eat and some food does get past the stomach but a substantial quantity gets stuck in the stomach and these needs to be cleared every now and then. Vomiting is indeed a daily affair now and very often for several times a day. Drinking water is also a challenge as it adds to the bloated-ness but when I do need to vomit, water helps to push the yucky stuff out.

I can tell that I am losing fat and muscle mass and I lost another 1kg+ in the last one week. I may have to go on a higher sugar intake for the energy and to help to reduce the muscle mass lost.

The jaundice is not improving but that is to be expected from the obstructed bile duct. The eyes are more yellow now and the skin has a touch of yellow and fairly obvious.

Can wait for the radiotherapy to start on Wednesday because for now, that is the best solution to shrink the size of the tumor and relieve the pressure on the stomach and the bile duct. For the bile duct, a stent can be inserted to help with the flow but with my impending radiotherapy, not sure if that is an option for the immediate future. As for the stomach, I am not sure how to ease the pressure except to eat more soft diet or go on liquid supplement.

Spiritually, the challenge is to remain strong for the family and to God. Previously, it was easy to say the “good” things because you can see God working with general improvement in my condition. With the recent turn of event, the situation is different as I am undergoing actual “suffering” so to say and focusing on God becomes an effort rather than norm. I am kind of incline to think that God is also at work in this aspect because if things had been really “bad” from the start, would I have the mental clarity to develop the faith and dependency on Him? It is perhaps God’s grace and mercy at work here to strengthen me for the tougher journey ahead having taught me to regard Him in everything, the good, the bad, the highs and the lows. I have no doubt about God’s grace and mercy and my faith in Him. Although it is a challenge to maintain that faith but if I can get through this, knowing that God is with me, I know my faith would have weathered the storm and would be stronger. Therefore, as was the case in the past, it will be moving forward that in God we trust and I cling on to the assurance of things hoped for.

On a happier note, Formula1 started yesterday in Australia. So wonderful now that I can get it on Starhub TV and I am still boycotting Singtel Mio. My 2 favorite drivers, Kimi and Alonso were on the podium in 1^st and 2^nd place respectively. So happy… So much for Seb, he is good only in a good car, on equal footing, he can never be better than Alonso and the Iceman is just so cool.

In God We Trust

Hebrew 11:1

SARS

If you read the papers, Singapore is commemorating the 10^th Anniversary of SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) occurrence here. This brought back some memories of my time in TTSH as a staff in 2003. I was then under the employ of TTSH as an Operation Manager (Clinical Ops, Outpatient Services) in the Department of Infectious Diseases. Yes, I was right smack in the middle of it all.

One of my responsibilities was management of the Travelers’ Health and Vaccination Clinic in TTSH, the largest vaccination clinic in Singapore by volume. I still remember at that time there was the bird flu situation in China and so we at the clinic monitors the news feed closely for development of the situation in China closely as one of the services provided by the clinic was travel advice for people coming for vaccination.

During that time, we encounter all sorts of people who come to clinic for vaccination and advice. Prior to WHO declaring the SARS pandemic, I still remember families who came to the clinic asking about vaccinations for bird flu or what we know about the “new” flu as they had booked and paid for holidays to China. It was difficult managing these groups of people because there was really scant information available at that time and how do you then provide “proper” advice.

When SARS as “SARS” was announced and TTSH became the designated SARS hospital and we went into a kind of lock-down mode, I was assigned to CDC (Communicable Disease Centre) to provide operational support and there I stayed for 8 weeks. It was take the train to work in the morning and take the train home in the evening. Outside of work, there were zero social activities, no church and no unnecessary interactions. It was alright because it is a small sacrifice to keep Singapore safe. The only “bad” experience that came out of it was that I did not get to interact with my god-daughter who was very young at that time and by the time the self-quarantine was over and when I saw my god-daughter again, she refused to let me carry her. It was a sad moment but not anymore as she had grown up and still acknowledges this “god-pa”.

The nastiest experience during the 8 weeks was when an American girl was sent to CDC for quarantine and observation because she had developed a fever. She was sent to CDC accompanied by her parents. The girl was terrified as she had never been hospitalised and will be “isolated”. The father kept asking when they will know if their daughter will be alright and when they will get the call with information about their daughter’s condition to which the nurses replied that they will call the family as soon as they have information. This was obviously not sufficient for the father and he ranted that his daughter has not been away from them alone before and that he works for a big American firm (while pointing a finger at my face) and I was specifically threaten with lawsuit from his firm’s lawyer if anything untoward happened to his daughter. Here we are fighting a pandemic and the doctors, nurses, support staff and myself are putting our life on the line and I get threaten with a lawsuit! Such is the indulgence on individual rights over community rights and anyway, I would not know who the dude is going to sue if he does sue especially since he did not ask for my name but I was wearing my name tag and I was wearing a mask that might make recognition an issue.

I am proud of my contribution to TTSH and Singapore no matter how small that contribution might be. My name was not listed in the commemorative book published by TTSH the year after as I had left the employ of TTSH and so did my immediate operational boss and so there was no verifiable source of my participation in the SARS epidemic. If there is any consolation, in the book, there was a picture of me with CDC’s nurse manager and senior nurses during one of the morning’s briefing.

Here’s to all the Healthcare workers in Singapore, generally an underappreciated group of people.

Radiotherapy: Pre-therapy #03

I went to TTSH for my blood test yesterday. The results should be out by now and I am just waiting for my Oncologist to contact me concerning my chemotherapy in the coming week. Supposed to have my chemotherapy together with radiotherapy but I am not sure how the arrangement is supposed to be done. In any case, whether I can proceed with my chemotherapy is very much dependent on my blood tests result particularly my pancreatic and liver function. Previously, primary concern was my platelet count but now because the tumor is pressing against the liver, the results pertaining to my pancreatic and liver functions are also of concern. The wait for the call from my Oncologist is “killing” me (not literally).

I am jaundice due to obstruction of the bile duct. You can see from the pic the yellowing of my eyes. Easier to cope now that I know what I have to do. I spent about an hour this morning on a bench near my place just to sun myself and to help clear the jaundice.

Food is also retained in the stomach due to obstruction of the stomach outlet. This is the most comfortable part of my condition now as there is a feeling for bloatedness and my stomach is churning and having spasm in trying to push the food out. I had to force myself to vomit several times a day just to clear the retained food.  During the night, not only does this disturb my sleep, it disturbed Josie’s sleep as well as she is very concerned about me. This morning, at about 4am, I was trying to vomit and she knew about it from the noise and got ready a cup of warm water and waited for me to come out of the toilet. So touching and conscientious and the warm water really helped. Also easier to cope now that I sleep on an inclined position so that there will not be any reflux of the stomach content into the throat.  I managed to have a relatively good night rest this morning.

It is just a matter of resting and waiting. The waiting is the part that is agitating me as I wish that things can move along quickly. Hit the tumor and hit it hard. I can and will bear the side-effects from the therapies as God will give me the grace to bear it.

In God We Trust

Hebrew 11:1

Pain in the Heart

The situation is getting somewhat less bearable. It is not unbearable but just “less” bearable. Vomiting has become a constant affair since last Saturday as food keeps getting retained in the stomach and I need to vomit this retained food out just to make myself more comfortable. It also means that I probably am not getting sufficient nutrients into the body as I am losing weight and getting lethargic. Good thing I have a tin of the Glucerna nutrient supplement and I got another 5 more tins coming.

It pains me that I am shutting myself in the room because I really do not have the energy to play with Nathan. Hearing his voice through the room's door and forcing myself to stay in the room really pains me.

Last night after dinner (part of it I had just vomited a moment ago), Josie, Nathan and me, we took the train to City Square Mall to see the fountain as Nathan really gets the trill when the fountain is “performing”. We had walked around a little bit before settling ourselves down on a bench by the fountain and Nathan was wide eyed as the water sprouts does its performance. Part way through the performance, Josie leaned over and places her head on my shoulder and cried. I do not know exactly what was going through her mind but for me, it was a moment filled with deep pain and sorrow in my heart but as most man being man, I stopped myself from crying.

If you had been there, you will probably notice a tender picture of a child sitting on his mother’s lap watching the fountain as the mother leaned her head on the husband’s shoulder and the husband staring blankly ahead as he contemplates what does the future holds if God chose not to heal. So it was during that night, after reaching home that I took the resolve to pray for healing. If you understood where I am coming from, I would not have under normal circumstances pray directly for healing as I believe that God’s sovereignty and will is paramount and thus I pray according to His will which may or may not involves healing for my condition. Josie’s tears broke this resolve and I prayed then for healing but it is also more for the sake of Josie and Nathan.

I was in church this morning talking to the lady who looked after the welfare and visitation of the sick and ill in church. We spoke for about an hour and a half and I told her about what I had written in the above paragraph. I told her that in praying for healing, I do not just simply pray for healing but in the prayer, I also pray that God’s will be done because ultimately it is up to God what He wills. This lady said something that reminded me of what I had written before that for the will of God, it is “God’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. We cannot bend His will but I pray as Jesus had prayed, “If it be thy will”, take this cancer away from me.

She was also talking about journaling but in the more physical sense of using a pen and paper and that in journaling, there can be an avenue of release not just for the writer but also for the reader. She was saying these from the perspective of an after event whereas in my case, I’m doing it online and everyone gets to read the journal (blog as it is called in this case) now and not when I am gone. We continued talking and I was talking about my perspective on “Faith” and she spoke about my “testimony” and when you add 1 + 1, it could be that my testimony in this whole journey is about faith in God. Again, this is the subject for another blog entry.

If my entire blog was to be collected and printed into a book, it would be entitled:

There is no misery in the suffering

A journey of faith

In God We Trust

Hebrew 11:1

Radiotherapy: Pre-therapy #02

From now onward for the next 6 to 8 weeks, you will see a lot of entries with the “Radiotherapy” heading. This particular entry is entitled Pre-therapy Consult #2 because today was really the 2^nd consult and last Friday was the 1^st consult.

Last Friday’s consult was to determine if I should have radiotherapy and today’s consult was an assessment to determine if I can proceed with the therapy and take a CT scan for measurement, creating a mold for immobilisation during radiotherapy and planning.

My radiotherapy will start on 20^th March and it will go on for every day except weekends and public holidays for 30 sessions. At the same time, I will also have chemotherapy concurrently but whether chemotherapy can proceed will depend on my blood test results. The last chemotherapy could not proceed because initially my platelet count was low and subsequently there was some problem with my liver function and this was due in part to the bile duct been blocked indirectly by the pancreatic tumor. Due to this blockage, I am also beginning to have some jaundice and the “white” in my eyes are turning yellow.

The tumor is also blocking my stomach outlet causing food retention that also causes me to be bloated. Last Saturday’s night, I forced myself to vomit and huge amount of food came out and I can recognise some of the food as from Friday’s night dinner.  Today, the doctor was saying that with radiotherapy, if all goes well, I should be able to see improvement to my situation, i.e. less blockages and the jaundice should slowly fade and if the jaundice persist, may have to put in a stent to drain the gall bladder.

For now, I am just waiting for a call from TTSH to let me know when I should go from my blood test to determine if I can also proceed with my chemotherapy. The double-therapy is probably the best option at this point since surgery is out of the question and to hit the tumor hard with more aggressive dosing. As for the side effects, with the double whammy, not sure how “bad” the side effects will be as I will be having higher radiation dose for the radiotherapy but I may be placed on a less aggressive chemotherapy drug.

Over the next couple of weeks, I may just have to “drop off the face of the earth” temporarily but I could be found “online”. Pray for tolerance to the therapies’ side-effects and effectiveness of the therapy.

In God We Trust

Hebrew 11:1

Pain In the Journey

For the first time since the start of this journey, the pain has returned. As mentioned in the last post, the pain and spasm that I am experiencing is possibly due to the tumor pressing again the stomach and small intestine obstructing the stomach outlet and the bile duct. The feeling is not something to be taken lightly as it is constant and nagging.

The pain I can bear and tolerate as I am dependent on God for that. If I can bear 9 cycles of chemotherapy side effects, I can bear this “small” pain. How long I can continue to bear this pain is largely depending on how well the radiotherapy works in shrinking the tumor and on God’s grace that is the mainstay of my tolerance.

The part that I find it hard to bear is the emotional turmoil that comes with the discords and disharmony at home. I had and am still trying not to say too much about what is considered an “internal affairs” not be spoken or written publicly but I am at a stage where sometime death and escape is preferred. I had spoken constantly about the fact that in God there is no misery in the suffering and I still maintain that stand but then what do I call what I am going through right now, an aberration of grace? What I cannot bear is to lose is Josie and Nathan.

The real pain is not physical and for once doubt is creeping in and I pray for forgiveness. For once there is no desire for healing except for alleviation of the physical pain and for once I cannot in true honesty end this blog with my tagline.

Clinical Update, March 2013, #02 / Pre-Radiotherapy Consult #01

I saw the Radiotherapist today and this is basically what’s going to happened next.

The latest CT scan report indicates that the Liver is alright except that the common duct and some biliary ducts are dilated (bigger) but is not the cause of my stomach pain and spasm. Everything else concerning this scan remains the same as compared to the last scan but there is definitely a new tumor tissue growing in the head of pancreas region. The pain and spasm that I am experiencing is possibly due to the tumor pressing again the stomach and small intestine obstructing the stomach outlet and the bile duct and this may be related to my higher ALP number.

My Oncologist feels that the existing chemo-drugs used could be losing its effect and is causing neuropathy which could explain my continued numbness and tinkling in my fingers and toes.

Between the Oncologist and Radiotherapist, they both agree that I should move on to radiotherapy as soon as possible. Based on my age, past tolerance to therapy side effects as well as general improvement and depending on initial outcome and my liver function test, chemotherapy may be employed concurrently but with a different drug. Also they will be employing more aggressive treatment, i.e. higher dose of radiation that could be modulated if I do not tolerate it well.

There will be some side effects and because of the region treated, common side effects could be nausea, tiredness, diarrhea and darkening of the skin around the therapy region. Although rare, long term side effects could include perforation of the small intestine and damage to the liver.

The therapy will start very soon. As TTSH is under-capacity at this point because they are changing to a new machine, I am referred to NUH for my radiotherapy. I will be having a therapy planning CT scan done on Monday, 11 March and the actual therapy will start on 20 March for 6 weeks, Monday to Friday. Yes, you read it correctly, every day except weekends for the 30 days. The procedure is relatively fast lasting about 30-40 minutes from start of session till end.

Well, that is as much as I know and can share for now.

This is a new phase in the journey and there are relatively much unknowns. This creates a lot of uncertainty and confusion in terms of thoughts and feelings. In actual fact, I am not really uncomfortable with going for radiotherapy but it is the current pain and spasms that is bothering me and knowing that I have to live and cope with it until the therapy and hopefully some relief of the pain that is creating the anxiety. Mentally I am alright but like having anticipatory nausea from the chemotherapy, I think right now I am suffering from some form of anticipatory anxiety. I can’t put my finger to it but it could be that there was relatively little pain when I was going through chemotherapy that I was able to bold and stand firm in Jesus. Now with the constant pain and from it a lack of sleep, it is difficult to put a smile on the face.

Sometime I think God has a sense of humour and of course knows what we are and will be going through and had thus inspired my previous blog “By Faith Give All to Gain All”. I thought that my blog would be an instrument to encourage others but in this case, it is an instrument to encourage myself and help me to push on, reminding me of my faith in Him and to know that he will carry me through.

A few days ago, someone from church sent me an old song “He Will Carry You” by Scott Wesley Brown and how appropriate for this moment in my life and I believe too for Josie.

HE WILL CARRY YOU

Words and Music by SCOTT WESLEY BROWN

© Copyright 1982 Birdwing Music/Cherry Lane Music Publishing Co., Inc.

Verse:

There is no problem too big He cannot solve it,

There is no mountain too tall He cannot move it;

There is no storm too dark God cannot calm it,

There is no sorrow too deep He cannot soothe it.

Chorus:

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders,

I know my brother the He will carry you;

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders,

I know my sister that He will carry you.

Tag:

He said,

"Come unto Me all who are weary, and I will give you rest."

In God We Trust.

Hebrew 11:1

Clinical Update, March 2013, #01

Recently I have been having stomach spasm and pain after meals and as it was getting quite bad as it disturbed my sleep, I’d had requested for an urgent appointment with my Oncologist. I guess it was fortunate that I had “forced” my appointment in as we did a STAT CT scan yesterday and report is out today.

Initially, the suspicion was that the pancreas was trying to function and “push” enzyme out and thus causing part of the pain. Another suspicion was that there might be some stones in the biliary ducts causing partial blockages and because the duct is trying to push the bile into the gall bladder, that it was also causing the pain.

The scan report came out today and the liver is still ok as in there is not prominence of any cancer in the liver, there is also no stone in biliary ducts but the head of the pancreas where the tumor is bigger with a “spot” been observed. Part of the pain could be that the tumor is pressing against the stomach and that caused the spasm and pain. My Oncologist suspect that the chemo-drugs may be losing its effect and would like to move me to Radiation Therapy as soon as possible and an urgent appointment was arranged for me with the Radiation-Therapist for Friday morning to plan for the radio-therapy.

Based on the appointment with the Radiation-Therapist and subsequent consults, my Oncologist may still try Chemotherapy in conjunction with Radiation-Therapy.

Not so good news but it is also good news at the same time because the cancer is localised to the pancreas and planning for the therapy is more straight-forward and focused.

I still have full confidence is God’s grace and mercy and would like to reiterate that there is no misery in this suffering.

In God We Trust.

Hebrew 11:1

By Faith Give All to Gain All

Josie was away on a business trip last week from Tuesday evening till Friday morning. After picking her up at the airport, we went to the McDonald near our place for breakfast and as usual we talked. Interestingly, the first thing she asked me to do was to read from a passage from a devotional book “God’s Creative Power” about faith giving substance to hope and the reference was from Mark 5:25-35 and Hebrew 11:1.

Mark 5:25-35 (NASB)

²⁵ A woman who had had a hemorrhage for twelve years, ²⁶ and had endured much at the hands of many physicians, and had spent all that she had and was not helped at all, but rather had grown worse— ²⁷ after hearing about Jesus, she came up in the crowd behind Him and touched His cloak. ²⁸ For she thought, “If I just touch His garments, I will get well.” ²⁹ Immediately the flow of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction. ³⁰ Immediately Jesus, perceiving in Himself that the power proceeding from Him had gone forth, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My garments?” ³¹ And His disciples said to Him, “You see the crowd pressing in on You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’” ³² And He looked around to see the woman who had done this. ³³ But the woman fearing and trembling, aware of what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. ³⁴ And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction.”

Hebrews 11:1 (NASB)

¹ Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Recently, other than the tagline “In God We Trust”, we have grown and decided to accept Hebrew 11:1 as our tag-verse.  We were talking today and when we talk about “trust”, it is synonymous with belief and faith in God and you cannot dissociate “Trust” away from “Faith” or vice versa. They are truly integrated because how can you say you trust God but have no faith or how to have faith in God but no trust in Him?

The story of this women and Hebrew 11:1 resonated with me because in the small devotional book, the subject matter was “Faith Gives Substance to Hope” and it was further explained that for this women and quoting from the book “Her faith gave substance to and brought about the manifestation of healing that was already hers because of the covenant.” Thus we believe and trust and have faith that God will give substance to our hope and therefore give rise to our conviction of the things not seen.

And all this leads me to the following passage:

Philippians 3:7-11 (NASB)

⁷ But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, ⁹ and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, ¹⁰ that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; ¹¹ in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

It is as Brother Lawrence had said “So I made up my mind to give all to gain all,..” and further exemplified by Philippians 3:7 where it says “But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ.”

You might be wondering where the connection between Hebrew 11:1 and Philippians 3:7-11 is?

My view is that when we by faith allowed hope to take hold of our lives and we have the conviction of faith to grasp what is not seen, then we can give all in order to gain all for it is also through faith that we gain the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith as written in Philippians 3:9 ^“…and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith…”

Faith is the one substance that binds all for it is also by faith that we believe in Salvation bought through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross as it is written in Philippians 3:10-11 “¹⁰…that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; ¹¹ in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.” and is also an affirmation of John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” (NASB)

I leave you with one last quote from Brother Lawrence “That all things are possible to him who believes, less difficult to him who hopes, still less difficult to him who loves, and easiest of all to him who perseveres in all three virtues.”

In God We Trust.

Hebrew 11:1

Caregivers

On 15 February, I received a comment from a person named Cameron with somewhat of a cryptic message. I was somewhat hesitant to reply just in case he is a Phisher or Spammer and so I had set up an email account just for the purpose of communicating, receiving comments and tracking for my blog. I wrote to Cameron and to keep the long story short, Cameron is a caregiver as his wife Heather who had suffered and is a survival of Mesothelioma and I agreed to post a link to his blog at: http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/cameron

I may not agree with everything that he said nor endorse some of his thoughts but there are a lot of things in his messages that I can empathised with and at least one thing that I would agree with him is that the role of a Caregiver is not an easy one and entails huge amount sacrifices and if I can quote Cameron when he said:

“I know what it means to be a husband, a father, and a best friend, but the term caregiver still confuses me. Most people would define a caregiver as the unpaid loved ones who provide physical and emotional care to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer. Caregivers may be spouses, partners, family members, or close friends and most often they are not trained for the job. Caregivers are there for their loved one 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for months or even years. As well as physical and emotional support, a caregiver may help with finances, travel, meals, shopping, cleaning, bathing, daycare, and more. Caring for someone with cancer takes time and money and far too often it takes a toll on the caregiver’s health and well-being. Caregiving is a hard job!”

Therefore this post is dedicated to all Caregivers out there regardless whether the person(s) that they are caring for is suffering from cancer, diseases, dementia or any form of disabilities.

I know that some of you readers do not like long post but I ask that for this post that you bear with me and read till the end as I speak about Josie and her love for me.

To quote Cameron further:

“If I learned anything during this difficult time it was to accept the offers of help from others, and to take comfort in the fact that having the ability make choices, although extremely challenging, was a way for us to maintain a level of control during a time of such uncertainty.”

“While there are many things about my wife’s cancer that I am angry about, I’m no longer consumed by this emotion. I have made a decision to live not in fear, but to treat each day as special, a gift. I also use my time and energy to work toward an asbestos free world and better treatments for mesothelioma. I find I am both happier and more productive now that I am no longer in anger’s grasp, and I hope that for all those who find themselves overwhelmed with anger, that they find a way to move on to a happier more productive emotion.”

“I no longer place an emphasis on items that can be replaced. If something can be bought or built, it can be replaced. It‘s the things I can’t replace that I value. Friendship, love, and family just to name a few. One of the results of my new values is a greater emphasis on holidays and tradition.”

“Having had years to think about what is important to me after Heather’s diagnosis, I realize why that day means so much more to me. What I wasn’t seeing while I was sitting at the table being ashamed and feeling overwhelmed was the fact that I was surrounded by family, who on a moments notice dropped everything to be by our side. Family that was willing to help us out in any way the could. While my pride and hubris blinded me to this fact for years, it is something that I can see very clearly now. Since that day, Heather and I have been overwhelmed by all the support we received from family and friends, as well as complete strangers.”

Sound familiar?

For those who had been following my blog, you will know where I had placed my emphasis and some of Cameron’s thoughts do not differ very much from mine.

I had initially decided to hold off on this post as there were a few more things I would like to accomplish before coming back to this topic but last Sunday's was the Dioceses Women’s Sunday in our church and it gave the extra emphasis for me to start and quickly post this blog.

Ever since I was suspected of having Pancreatic Cancer in July 2012, Josie had been by my side as friend, lover and wife throughout my journey up till even two hours ago when we prayed together for God to remove the pain in my abdominal area. Without her I would not know how I would be able to cope emotionally as other than God and Jesus, Josie had been my physical pillar and comforter. Oh… the amount of tears she had shed for me and in her supplication to Jesus. More than that, the role she has to play as a mother to Nathan who was only 13 months old at that time and daughter-in-law and also continue to hold down her job despite the difficulties that she is facing at her workplace. There is much I can say but Cameron had said most of what I need to say about Caregiver with regards to this post.

I may sound like a broken record but PLEASE PLEASE cherish your loved ones, your spouse, your family, friends and those around you even if they are not close but are supporting you none the less and above all, give all to God so that you may gain all.

There is no misery in my suffering because I felt God’s love and the love of my wife and cherished ones.

In God We Trust.