Solace in the Lord, Part II

Even as I search and take comfort in solace in the Lord, I was reminded of a Psalm and a quick search confirm that it is indeed the Psalm that the Lord had impressed upon me.

As a continuance to my earlier post, to me, it spoke of His ever-presence with me, of my whole being been made by Him. The pain and the discomfort are not getting better but I thank God that it is not getting worse either. How comforting when in verse 10 it says “Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me.” And the exhortation in verse 23 and 24 that says “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”

There was a song I wrote a while ago and it goes:

Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Praise to God who saves my soul,
Praise to God who holds me close.
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms,
Like a child I rest I Your arms.

I know I don’t have to
Worry about tomorrow.
Or be held back by my past
For God had set me free.

The stone that was rolled away
Is the start of the day I worship…

Note:
The stone referred to the stone that blocked Christ’s tomb. When it was rolled away, Christ had risen and if He is risen, then we are saved and thus the start of my worship.


Psalm 139 (NASB)

God’s Omnipresence and Omniscience.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

1 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Solace in the Lord, Part I

In the weeks where I was experiencing tremendous amount of pain and there seem to be no end to it, these verses were a solace to my soul, a constant reminder that the Lord is with me and will carry me through. He has and will continue to do so. Just look to Him and He is beside you.

Psalm 23:3-5 (NASB)

3 He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Philippians 4:4-9 (NASB)

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Psalm 116:5-7 (NASB)

5 Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;

Yes, our God is compassionate.

6 The LORD preserves the simple;

I was brought low, and He saved me.

7 Return to your rest, O my soul,

For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

Ephesians 3:17-19 (NASB)

17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,

18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,

19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NASB)

8 Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.

9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

There is this story about footprint in the sand. It is a well-known story and it spoke about how God carried us when it seems He was far from us. Although the story, its meaning and intentions were uplifting and is edifying to those who are seeking the Lord when they seem to be at a lost, I have another take on this story.

Whenever this story is told or whenever it comes to mind, the image that comes to me is not one where I am carried on the back of Jesus but rather there continues to be 2 pair of footprints. In instances where I needed Him, He is there, not carrying me but is beside me, walking with me, consoling me, uplifting me, talking to me, listening to me, one arm beneath my arm ready to support me when I stumble.

There were moments where there are knee prints and a set of footprint that are set deeper in the sand. That is when I stumbled and Jesus lifted me up leaving an imprint that is deeper in the sand. I know He is there all the time because He is beside me. Even when I sit down, He is there with me sitting beside me, looking at me. I have tears in my eyes but He has a smile on His face. I grimace from the pain in my abdomen but He is there holding my shoulder.

The Lord does not carry me. He upheld me and stood where I know He would be.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Happy Birthday Mr. Yue

Last Tuesday, 16 July was my 46^th Birthday. It was the 2^nd birthday since the discovery of my cancer. What a way to be celebrating my birthday! I had received a lot of messages from friends wishing me well with added notes of encouragement and support.

I had wanted to write something on that day or at least the next day but my constitution basically prevented me from having the desire to want to write. What you may not know is that whenever I sit down to work on my computer, especially in the last month or so when I had this problem with my stomach and the pain, sitting at the desk compresses and thus put additional pressure on the stomach and this increases the pain. I have to either lean back or sit ram-rod straight so that there is no additional pressure on the stomach but those positions are not really very comfortable over a long period of time.

As I had mentioned in my earlier post, the pain is easing with medication and knowing when to administer both the pain killer, the drug that decreases stomach acid production, antacid and food intake to reduce refluxes. During one of the prayer, I had received a prompter from God that I need to talk to Josie, to confess to her about a hidden sin of mine that I had kept from her. Strangely or should I say miraculously enough, when the prompter came and I who is no longer in a position to bargain with God in any case agreed to tell Josie, the pain started to ease off. It did not disappear but it eases quite a bit. Spoke to her yesterday and by God’s grace and mercy, things turned out better than I had expected and I thank God for his hands at work in this matter. No… It is not something that I will be writing about as it is a matter for me, Josie and God. If I can at least boast, I can boast that I have nothing else to hide from God and Josie. Kind of oxymoronic as we cannot really hide anything from God but my earlier statement is metaphorical anyway as far as God is concerned. I did not get to go scot-free though as according to Josie, I have to live longer than her in order to pay her back…

God is kind, God is gracious and God is full of whatever we would termed as “good” and He had given me Josie and whatever that may had transpired, Josie said that we are still in this journey together and God will carry us through.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Where Is The End?

I am sort of upset that in April, the blockages happened to the bile duct and the duodenum as this had delayed and postponed all the various therapy and treatments and all the pain and discomfort all started from that time. It is also considering that my treatment was progressing well up to that point. It gave the tumor the opportunity to regrow and metastasise. Even as I write this post, I have to stand up and walk around every few minute so because of the pain and it is really driving me up the wall.

In the last few weeks, as I was going through this harrowing period, I was constantly reminded of what I had written earlier where there is no misery despite the suffering that I am going through. However, with the constant pain it does seem like all I have to look forward to everyday is just more pain and discomfort and herein lays my dilemma of belief. Life indeed looks miserable from where I am now but there is always hope.

I found myself praying more and more simply for the pain to go away, the cries from a son to the Father. I found myself occasional telling myself that I want to “go home”, home where the Father is, where there is no pain and no suffering and just to be in His presence. I envision an angel sticking his hand into my abdomen and removing the tumor cells. Every song that I hear that spoke about the goodness of God, of His grace and mercy, of dwelling in His presence, of the untold blessings that He brings, etc will bring tears to my eyes for there is nothing else for me to look forward to.

What do I do now, what shall I do and where is the end?

It is hard, very hard but by the grace of God, there is always a silver-lining. We just have to know where to look, where to see and feel His presence and my heart cry is “Father, help me!”

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

What’s Next?

Psalm 23 (NASB)

1   The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

2   He makes me lie down in green pastures;

     He leads me beside quiet waters.

3   He restores my soul;

     He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

4   Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

     I fear no evil, for You are with me;

     Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5   You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

     You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

6   Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

     And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Truth be told, I do feel miserable currently but that do not translate into misery in my life and Psalm 23 still holds much truth for me despite the circumstances that I am going through.

I keep talking about my pains and discomforts and they were really a constant in my life for the last 2 weeks. Last night was quite bad and I hardly slept for about 3 hours intermittently despite the morphine. So what is next?

I won’t deny that in the last 2 weeks I have not thought too much about God as most waking moments had been locked up in trying to tolerate and finding means of easing the pain and discomfort. It thus makes me thinks about what happened to my belief and my effort to try and live a life where God is ever present and that He should not be far from my thoughts at all times. I admit that I was trying to fight this pain and discomfort on my own strength and also trying to see how far I could go on before I say “I give up, I surrender!”. Well… I am at that point now where there is really no one else I can really depend on except God.

God had been gracious and I know he will continue to be gracious despite my temporary loss of common sense and tried to depend on my own strength. How do I know that He is with me? Despite Nathan and Josie coming down ill a few times in that last few weeks, I was spared that illness that would have complicated my medical conditions. My last medical review was positive, Josie is holding up well and I know God was with her and strengthening her. Nathan saw a General Medicine Consultant today at KKH and we were told that his frequent illnesses were not unexpected since he started childcare and that he is holding up quite well actually. Nathan is also starting to “understand” things more and we are thankful that he slightly less (only slightly but better than no improvement) sticky and demanding and personally for me, that he will occasionally sit with me when mommy is busy. Ah… such heartwarming occasions.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Promises

I received a message from a fellow brother from church that my presence was missed in church camp. This reminded me that when Josie and I got married, we had promised ourselves that we will not miss any of the following:

a)      Christmas Service

b)      Good Friday Service

c)      Easter  Service

d)     New Years’ Eve (Watch-night) Service

e)      Church Camp

Already for this year, I had missed Good Friday Service, Easter  Service and Church Camp due to my condition. It was a situation that I am not fond of and the decisions weren’t taken lightly.

By the grace of God, I pray that I won’t have to miss anymore of the above services or church camp.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Closure

For those who were looking forward to reading some new posts, my apology if I have not posted regularly for the last week or so. Still trying to rebuild my strength and it has been hard with ups and downs (more downs than ups) occurring throughout the week and within the day.

In the last few days, a couple of thoughts kept popping up in my mind and I guess it is again one of those prompting that I cannot ignore. In fact, over the years these thoughts and feelings had occasionally cropped up but I had no means of addressing them but now that I have this blog, I guess I have an avenue to seek closure for these past events.

When I was studying in Saint Andrew’s Junior College (SAJC), I knew this guy who was in the same year as me and who was a member of my present church and who was also in the Senior Youth Fellowship. We were sort of close but not to the “best friend” extend. I was trying to get to know him and there was once I asked him if he would join me for a movie and he agreed. Can’t remember what we watched but I remembered that at the end of the movie, he got into a sort of altercation with the person sitting behind him as it seem that guy was continuously kicking my friend’s seat throughout the movie. What happened next is not what I was particularly proud of as I walked away while my friend was continuing with the “conversation” with the guy behind him. It was a cowardly act and over the years I was beating myself over my sort of “abandonment” of my friend. After we graduated, he for some reason also left church and we lost contact. I had not been able to trace him and had not been able to seek closure for my cowardly behavior then.

When I enlisted and was undergoing Basic Military Training (BMT), I wasn’t the strongest or fittest guy in my platoon. I weigh about 55kg and could hardly do 3 pull up and failed my 2.4km run several times. Physically, it was really difficult for me. There was once the platoon was punished for something that I forgotten what it was and the platoon was ordered to run up a small sloping track to a particular tree and touch the tree and run back to where we started. For those who had undergone BMT in the 80’s, you would know what I was talking about. The platoon was running together and obviously some were faster and some slower. There was a small group of guys led by this Eurasian chap who took it upon themselves to be the kind of “guardian” for the platoon and they held everyone back and got everyone to run as a group which was good in terms of “teamwork”. As I mentioned, I wasn’t the fittest guy and thus was one of the slowest but the pace these guys was leading the pack/platoon was so slow that I knew we would get some more punishment from our instructors. Wasn’t the brightest thing to do but I broke from the platoon and ran on ahead towards the tree and my thoughts then was that if majority of us could reach the tree quickly, the few who were fittest could always turn back to help the slower folks. Anyway, we did get it from our instructors for the slow pace regardless of the “teamwork”. Anyway, concerning this Eurasian guy, I got plenty of expletives that I can use on him and one of his mantra was “do onto others what you would not want others to do onto you”. He was a good looking guy, charismatic, well to do financially and he got a bunch of backers in the platoon. Needless to say, my life got pretty much unpleasant after that with cut boot and shoe laces, missing tower that I had to buy to replace, toothpaste in my boots, etc. Why you might ask why is this one of the closure I seek? I really don’t know because I don’t know if I had to go through the same thing again, will I still make the same decision? What I knew is that I had made the choice then based on what I could have tolerated physically but obviously, these are the least of concerns for those guys who put “teamwork” ahead of others physical suffering or tolerance. From BMT, I made it to Non-Commissioned Officer School and from there to Officer Cadet School (OCS). You can guess the surprise on this Eurasian guy’s face when he saw me in OCS. I did not make it through OCS though. I was so weak that I had a relapse of my asthma that was in remission since I was 14 and had to drop out of OCS.

That’s it. I know it is kind of a selfish post as I seek closure for myself.

Please pray for me as physically I feel worse now than when I was in BMT. My weight is lower at 53.7kg compared to my peak of 68kg.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Post Therapy Updates #01 and Thoughts

Radiotherapy is over. I kind of have a strange feeling because after 6 weeks of radiotherapy, I had gotten used to the routine of waking up early, getting prepared to go and beat the morning school traffic, go for breakfast and head to NUH. I just asked Josie what we are going to do tomorrow and I guess for her it was a relieved too of not having to wake up early anymore and she just gave a simple reply “I’ll send Nathan to school tomorrow”

I am still sort of recovering from the effects of radiotherapy and the sequence are generally great in the morning, slowing down in the afternoon, not so great in the evening and trying not to think too much about the discomfort before bed. I got craving for the sweet stuff but obviously I can’t indulge and for someone who used to love to eat, the smell of food sometime turns me off. Still got to eat and so nowadays, my diet is kind of boring as it usually comprises the same things that don’t turn me off.

In the last 2 days, honestly, I wasn’t thinking much about God and I feel guilty about it. Had wanted to go to church this morning but because I had an awful night last night, I had decided then not to go to church this morning. Anyway, Josie was still coughing.

I thought I’ll post something tonight and I guess since I am writing this post, I could not really “run away” from God and I remembered a programme on National Geographic Channel recently about the Yakuza (Japanese Gangsters). In it, there was a Yakuza member who was jailed for a petty crime and while in jail found God and when he was released, sought permission from his “Boss” to quit the gang. To cut a long story short, his boss allowed him to go and he is now a pastor of a small Baptist Church. In his church, there was also a young former yakuza member and he said something that is really at the core of Christian belief. He said “You cannot be loyal to 2 bosses. Either you are loyal to God or not”. There is nothing more I would like to add and just leave you with this to think about.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

A Broken Spirit

Yesterday, Vicar celebrated communion for us again. It is always something that I and Josie look forward to. I am putting myself out on a limb today by sharing something that would probably put me in a vulnerable position.

Recently, I found myself to be quite emotional and yesterday, prior to the communion there was a short worship and part-way through the worship, I could not help myself and started crying. It was a long hard cry and I do not recall when I had shed as much tears as I had yesterday. In fact, I find myself crying a lot recently whenever I enter into worship regardless whether it is in church or in the short communion. I asked what is all this about and the word that came to be was “A Broken Spirit”.

In my case, the specific references for the broken spirit were:

Psalm 34:18 (NASB)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 51:17 (NASB)

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

I guess you can say that I take comfort in my current state of brokenness as this is not about a spirit that was broken without hope but it is about a spirit broken before God in yielded-ness to Him. Therefore, the tears I shed, I had shed for Him and for the grace and mercies that He had shown me. Why you might ask? Because it has been 10 months since I received news of my cancer and the doctor told me that without treatment, I would only have 6 to 9 months to live. Therefore, I had crossed a milestone as the Lord and carried me beyond what the doctor said I would have although it was perhaps through the various treatments that my life was extended. Also my treatments were always with relatively few or less severe side effects as compared to most other patients with the same conditions or undergoing the same treatment as me.

Psalm 34:18 and Psalm 51:17 were quoted often enough but how many truly understand the meaning of broken-ness before the Lord and what is a broken and a contrite heart? I am not trying to be self-righteous and claim true knowledge in this respect but I know the love that God has for me and I know that I am broken before Him and this much I take consolation in, no more no less. The tears I shed therefore I shed readily to Him and for Him because He had brought me low so that I would put aside my pride and let Him be Him.

I still pray that “this cup” could be taken away from me but as I had said before, not my will be done but His will and His will alone on this earth and in heaven.

O what grace that save a wretch like me

What love and mercy pour out freely for me

The price that was paid without demand

But demand of my life it had

I thus yield to Him my all in all.

Not quite original but it is from my heart.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

The Body, The Temple

While I was warded in TTSH, I saw quite a few things about other patients that really made me angry. Not so angry such that I would “lose my mind” kind of angry but angry enough that it had been nagging at me and I just want to write about it.

I was in a ward that have patients hospitalised for various conditions that are seen by doctors from General Medicine, Gastroenterology (that’s the clinical discipline I was under), Rheumatology and Infectious Diseases. There was a patient warded for Asthma, a few for complication due to diabetes, one for dengue fever, one for gall stone, one for kidney stone, one for fever of unknown cause but not due to infection, one for fever that was finally diagnosed as cancer.

Recently, there were articles in the papers and letters in the forum page concerning the healthcare cost and integrated healthcare services but when I read all these articles and letters, rarely is there a call for patients to be responsible for their own heath, manage their own conditions so that they don’t need to come into the hospital or at least not as often as they need to be.

There was this patient who was hospitalised for a condition that I’m not aware of but who is also a diabetic but every morning and evening, he will head to the food court and buy additional food and these foods includes pastry and nonya kueh that are just so full of carbohydrate and sugars. There was another diabetic patient who was hospitalised for water retention and his legs were basically so swollen that he could not walk properly. His family will visit and bring him food that included tetra-pack drinks, pastry and strawberries, again, things that generally should be controlled because of the sugar content. The patient that was hospitalised for asthma and who is also a diabetic but he drinks about 2 bottles of beer a day, he will “disappear” for a smoke and comes back to the ward and goes on the nebulizer for his asthma…

These patients are a drain on the healthcare system especially since we were in a subsidised ward. Without taking care of their health, they would continually be hospitalised multiple times as they are not able to manage their medical conditions. Essentially they are drawing more resources in terms of monies used to subsidise their stay in the hospital, occupy beds that would otherwise be used for patient who really needs them and a drain on the hospital’s staff and resources as well.

When we as Christians talks about our body/bodies the 2 verses that are most commonly used are:

Romans 12:1 (NASB)

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

1 Corinthians 6:19 (NASB)

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?

I guess without going too much into details, you would probably know which direction I am going with regards to this blog entry.

Before I had this cancer, I would eat whatever I want, drink whatever I want (sugary and alcoholic drinks) and in quantity as I so desired. With this cancer, everything that I consume, I have to consume with care and in moderation. Zero alcohol, less sugary food and drinks, reduce fried and oily food and no raw and no fermented food especially during chemotherapy period. In the Singapore context, needless to say, it is a tough act to follow but I have generally been a “good boy” and only indulge myself very occasionally.

Coming back to our physical bodies. If we believe that whatever we have is a gift and provision from God, then that includes our bodies regardless of what was said in Romans 12:1 and 1 Corinthians 6:19. Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters, to be mindful of your bodies if we are to offer it as a sacrifice to God, to cherish it as a gift from God and maintain its well-being as a temple of God. As a temple of God, it need to be properly maintained or else through negligence and lack of maintenance, the building (Body) comes into disrepair and would breakdown and become unfit for human habitation and much less the Holy Spirit. The examples I gave of the patients in TTSH were clear examples of the disregards for the bodies. In my younger days, I have also disregarded the body as I was a heavy drinker, drinking up to 12 pints of beer minimally in a week. I guess what is happening today is a consequence of my indulgence during my youth despite been a Christian and understanding the concept of the body been a temple of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, in a way you can say that I was disrespectful to God back then.

Most of us enjoy good food and for some the occasional drinks. I not advocating total abstinence although that may be the calling for some but in view of the calling in Romans 12:1, I would urge you to consider God before you indulge and even then in moderation.

A healthy body also means that we are able to participate in activities for the glory of God. Having cancer and undergoing therapy means that there are activities that I could not participate in or participate in a much reduced capacity. An example is that I have to forgo the annual Church Camp and thus the fellowship with fellow Christian families as I am still undergoing therapy with the uncertainty of the future therapy schedules plus my reduced physical tolerance to travel.

Is it too late to change? With God, it is never too late. As long as we seek Him and place Him first. He is always there for us and in regards to service to Him, He will grant avenues and opportunities to serve Him and in my case, without the need for expending too much energy or the need to travel a lot.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #16

Other than the radiotherapy, today is also the review day by the Rad-Oncologist. There was a lot of information that I had provided in terms of how I feel, my general conditions, pain and observations. Not much else to report as everything seems to be within the “parameter” of my therapy. My only concern is that the expression of the Rad-Oncologist is not really positive but I could be overly sensitive as Josie does not feel the same way as I do.

What was not really spoken is the fact that the radiation dose that I am receiving is on the high side but the positive side is that I am not really experiencing many side effects except that nowadays, immediately after each radiotherapy session for about half an hour I do feel a little “bloated”. “Bloated” is not the most accurate description of the feeling but it is closes that I can think of.

The pain in the abdominal area immediately where the tumor is getting more obvious and it is even more so when I press lightly on that position. One thing the Rad-Oncologist and I did agree on is the need to change the pain management regime so that I could be less reliant on the morphine and more on the Fentanyl patch. Generally I am doing alright but it is a really a topsy-turvy journey and I notice my “down” period coincide with the “expiry” of the Fentanyl patch. This is what I meant by needing to change the pain management regime. It is a little harder to get myself going and moving about because of the discomfort, pain and lethargy. It could also be due to the chemotherapy drug I am taking that is making me “slow”.

I had mentioned this before but previously as I was getting better physically, I was able to interact with Nathan but now, I am sort of in 50% shut down mode and hard to find the energy to interact with him but there are a few bright moments. When Josie and I went to pick up Nathan yesterday from the Childcare Centre, the whole class was together as it was raining heavily and most of the parents delayed picking up their kids. Nathan was playing by himself and from the window I shouted “son” and he immediately looked up as he recognised my voice despite all the cacophony. It was a heart-warming scene for me.

I have a lot of time on my hand now but I have to blank my mind out most of the time so that my thoughts don’t stray too much. I may have written much about it but often, it is hard to focus on God. It is an exercise and lifestyle that I still have to practice, to really let God be within me every single moment, to practice His presence at all time but I know He comfort me with the occasional “appearance” liked during last Sunday’s service.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Belief and Failure

A funny thing happened today that tells me that I could not really “run-away” from God and when He gives you a prompting you jolly well follow it. The question of course is whether you can recognise the prompting as having come from God? Anyway, that’s not the topic for this blog entry.

Yesterday, for some reason, I was actually prompted to write about belief and failure and the example that came to me was a scene from Star Wars that by the way is one of my favorite science fiction series and I mean not just the movies but also the books and comics. Here’s the funny thing, when we went to church this morning, the article printed on the cover page of the newsletter was “Don’t use the Force” and it was peppered with terms and comparison with the myths of Star Wars and I sort of scratch my head and look to God and say “very funny”. So here’s what I was prompted to write:

In Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, Luke Skywalker was training under Yoda on the planet Dagobah. In one of the scene, Luke’s X-Wing fighter was sinking into the bog where he sort of crash landed. Using the “Force”, Luke attempted to lift the X-Wing out of the bog but failed and proclaimed “I can’t. It’s too big.” And when Yoda in using the Force, was able to lift the X-wing free effortlessly, Luke proclaim further “I don't believe it.” and Yoda retorted “That is why you fail.”

Think about it. How often have we attempted to do something especially something for God and we failed and we proclaim that either it was too difficult or that we are not equipped or we simply did not believe that it would work in the first place? This is the part that I probably will be very controversial because with my example, I would be implying that you failed because you don’t believe. In Hebrews 11, there are a lot of examples about faith or what about Matthew 17:20 “And said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you” or Luke 17:6 “And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and be planted in the sea’; and it would obey you.”

What was also nagging at me when the prompting came was the statement that I had made in my blog entry “Journey In Faith” posted on 28 April 2013 where I said “…but I know the “better” thing that God had provided in Christ His Son and to expand it further, when Christ ascended, He sent the Holy Spirit who will strengthen and comfort me and if the Spirit be willing, my healing.” So is it true that you failed because you don’t believe? Probably… but have we not all failed at one time of another? Even the great men in Hebrews 11 had failed at one time of another in their lives. Isn’t it also why God sent His Spirit and in today’s sermon in church the biblical reference was from John 16:7-15 but I want to go off context a little from today’s sermon by just quoting John 16:7 “But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you.”

The development of faith is a process and if you had followed my blog, you will also notice that my faith in God did not come overnight. It came because of a traumatic event, it came as God slowly revealed Himself to me, it came also as I choose to surrender to Him. The question is what you would do to allow God to work in you, to assist you with the aid of the Holy Spirit to develop that faith that in turn would allow you to say you believe even to the extent that you will continue to believe “even if  He does not” (Daniel 3:17-18).

My encouragement for you is that you remain strong in the Lord especially when someone else comes along and tells you that you lack faith or that your faith is not strong enough. Trust in the Lord, trust in His grace and mercy because the words of these people only seek to destroy and put people down when the word of the Lord says in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.”

It is a very difficult journey for me and when I was writing all my posts, it comes with some trepidation because I do not know if they are biblically sound or worse, bordering on heresy. Despite all these, I put my trust in God that He will lead me, that the Holy Spirit will inspire me in my writing. Going by the number of encouraging words that I had received concerning my blog and those that said that they were encouraged by my writing then, I believe God had worked. How difficult is my journey? I weighed myself this morning and I had lost another 200g. I tried to eat and the appetite is generally good but I have difficulty eating larger quantity of food. The pain although not extreme is disturbing enough that I am tripling my night time dose of morphine so that I can get some decent sleep. However, my trust is still in God.

A couple of days ago when I was helping to prepare the chords sheets for today’s worship in church, there was a song “10,000 Reasons” by Jonas Myrin and Matt Redman. Verse 3 of the songs was something that struck a chord with me but at that time, I did not think too much about it but during worship today, the words came back and it touched me deeply when it says:

And on that day, when my strength is failing,

The end draws near, and my time has come;

Still my soul will sing Your praise unending

Ten thousand years, and then forevermore!

Or the chorus to the song “Joy of My Desire” by Jennifer Randolph that says:

I worship You in spirit and in truth.

I worship You In spirit and in truth.

There will never be a friend as dear to me as You.

I was tearing and almost burst out in unrestrained cries but I was also trying to hold back my tears. When God touched you, you will know it. Although these two verse and chorus is more like a proclamation of the feelings that is within my heart but what I felt was that God had heard me, had reached out to me, had heard my prayer from 1 Kings 8:57-59 and is comforting me.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Testimony of the Journey In Faith

In my post “Journey in Faith” posted on 28 April, I spoke about faith, hope and the promise of the things to come. I sort of remembered a while back, I had posted in “Pain in the Heart” on 12 March that there was this thing Josie mentioned about the testimony and faith and that I told myself I should write about it.

Having re-read the post “Journey in Faith”, I thought the title for the post was quite accurate because this journey of mine is not just about the battle with this cancer that I wage against on a daily basis but it is also about a journey, a journey of faith that I would say I constantly learn new things about although not on quite a daily basis but I would say often enough.

The journey is not an easy one despite what I may have written about in this blog filled often with positive news and development. When I posted “Pain in the Journey” on 10 March, one of Josie’s good friend texted me to encouraged me and one of the things she said that this was one of the darkest post I’d made. Often isn’t it true that the physical pain is not the one that will literally bring us down but it is the emotional turmoil and pain that could destroy us completely and totally. I therefore say that it is an understatement to say that God will “carry us”, He will “see us through”, “pray to Him”, etc etc… Not unless you are truly willing to give all to Him. I may profess my faith but I am a long way from absolute, total and complete surrender to Him as can be seen from my occasional anger and my report for disharmony and such. Thus I say the development of faith is a journey and it never really ends; that despite whatever pain (physical and emotional), emotional turmoil, hurts, uncertainty and fear, we really need to seek Him, to depend on Him and look towards Him for the resolution of what we cannot resolve. It is at these times that He is strong as we are weak.

Back to what Josie mentioned concerning the faith and testimony. At the point we were talking and I was talking about my perspective on “Faith” and she spoke about my “testimony” and when you add them up, it could be that my testimony in this whole journey is about faith in God. You might ask what has the earlier paragraph to do with faith and testimony of faith. In my case, it has practically everything to do with it. What is there for me to depend on at this point other than God? I know that there are medical sciences but medical science do not have an answer for all the ailments in this world. There is no definitive cure for my type of cancer especially one that is non-resectable. Who else can I depend on when I am emotionally down? I know that Josie and friends are supporting me but there is just so much that they can do physically and practically but they cannot take away what is embedded in the head, in the heart, only God can.

In short, if you had read my blog, you will know that it is a record of my journey but it is more than that, it is also about my journey in faith and my testimony to God’s goodness and faith in Him. I pray that what I had written would be a legacy, a testimony about faith and that it will lead others to a stronger faith in God, a greater trust in Him and formation of the foundation of our hope.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Update #10

It was a regular radiotherapy session today. The only unpleasant part was the massive traffic jam alone AYE due to an accident at Penjuru Road. For those who drive and know where Penjuru Road is, you will know that the jam was indeed massive if the jam goes all the way from Penjuru to Tiong Bahru.

On the physical front, I was a little tired but that’s probably because we had to bring Nathan to the doctor after my therapy for his persistent cough and runny nose. Had to wait for more than 2 hours before we got to see the doctor and because of it, the timing of my meals for today was hay-wired. The pain is starting to creep in again since the “good” day yesterday but it is not so bad as yet but bad enough to prevent me from having a good nap in the evening before dinner.

On the emotional front, maybe because I did not get a good nap, I was really irritable and I jumped at both my mother and Josie over something that was kind of nagging at me for quite a while but they were also things that may seem trivial to you. The toll on the family is indeed great and it is no small matter for caregivers of cancer patient as they walk the journey together. You can perhaps say that I am fortunate to have a supportive family and a group of supportive friends but it still does not take away the angst of having to go through what I am going through and the feeling of anger of having cancer and to be very honest about it, sometime the anger extends even to God not because of the cancer but because I see what Josie had to go through just to support me.

During the drive, Josie also shared about the conflict that she is experience that on one hand she believes in the sovereignty of God and yet on the other hand, she could not reconcile that cancer could be healed. Anyway, this is again a topic for another post.

Because of the traffic Jam this morning, I reached the Radiotherapy Centre somewhat late and had to wait my turn but while waiting, I had the opportunity to continue to read the book by Bernard of Clairvaux and the chapter that I was reading spoke about the “modesty” in prayer; in the sense that we don’t pray for a specific item and in a lengthy way but in making a simple statement to God that contains the unspoken desire within us. As a personal example, I come to God and say “I am sorry” that I was angry at Him but unspoken in this statement is also the fact that I need his forgiveness for the sin of been angry with Him but also inquire of His grace and mercy to overcome the angst within me and also for His support of Josie. This too reminds me of 2 quotes that I had posted from Brother Lawrence where he says:

“That we ought to act very simply towards God, speaking frankly to Him, and asking His help in things as they occurred; in his experience, God never failed to give it.”

“I advise you to avoid much talking in prayer; long speeches often induce distractions.”

However, I do acknowledge that in corporate and group prayer, it is often necessary to be “lengthy” with our prayer so that others may know what was in our heart and thoughts when we prayed for how would people know that when I say “I am sorry” that it would also mean more than just the 3 words.

Therefore in conclusion, I further say that in Christ alone my hope is found and that there is no need for me to dwell deeply into the circumstances except to look to Christ who is my hope and thus so by faith I trust Him.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Journey In Faith

For those who had noticed, the tagline I used in my last 2 blog entry was “In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found”

It has been a while now since I had added Hebrews 11:1 as my tag-verse having seen the goodness of God and received the assurance that he had given me. Quite a number of weeks ago, Josie’s second sister also shared about her study of Hebrews 11 but her reading included verse 6 that says “And without faith it is impossible to please Him,..”

Hebrew 11:1 (NASB)

¹ Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:6 (NASB)

⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

Today, I noticed too that Hebrews 11:2 says “For by it the men of old gained approval.” (NASB)

There are 2 parts to what I wished to share in today’s entry and the first part is about faith and hope. What I had not realised back then when I first included Hebrews 11:1 as my tag-verse was that I had focused so much on the part about “faith” and “trust” that I had missed the part in the same verse about the “assurance of the things hoped for,..”. I had written much about hope; of my hope in Christ but I had not really link the matter of faith with hope except when I quote Brother Lawrence’s words in “By Faith Give All to Gain All” posted on 5 March 2013. I had said before that you cannot dissociate “Trust” from “Faith” or vice versa for they are integral because we cannot trust God but have no faith or to have faith in God but no trust in Him. In so saying, out of faith and trust derives hope because faith gave substance to hope. It is because of faith that there is hope and it is also because of hope that faith is strengthened.

Concerning Verse 2 and Verse 6 of Hebrews 11 and this is the second part of my sharing. Suffice to say that these 2 verses spoke of gaining approval and pleasing God. Why I had grossed over these 2 verses was because I had not come to believe in God, to have faith in him just so that I can please Him or seek His approval. My faith in God was regardless of whether I gained His approval or seeking to please Him. I do realise that this is a very dangerous statement to make because it can very easily be misconstrued and just to clarify; it does not mean that I do not seek His approval nor try not to please Him. On the contrary, by having faith in God, it also means that in everything that I do, I seek to please Him and also sought after His approval. It is again one of those situations where having faith in God, pleasing Him and seeking His approval goes hand in hand and one is not independent of the others. By Faith we believe and if we believe in God and who He is, aren’t we then bound to the desire to want please Him as God and as Sovereign? Also, if we seek to please Him and believe in His sovereignty, then needless to say we too seek to gain His approval as a son would of his father or a subject his king.

Therefore, in using the tagline “In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found”, I am also declaring that I seek after Him, after His approval and also to please Him.

  

This leads me to the final 2 verses of Hebrews 11, Hebrews 11:39-40 “³⁹ And all these, having gained approval through their faith, did not receive what was promised, ⁴⁰ because God had provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect.” (NASB)

Verse 39 hits me with a sort of a bang as it says “…did not receive what was promised…” If you read through the whole of Hebrews chapter 11, the word “promised” meant different things for the different people given as examples of their faith in God. In my reading, I had felt that God was speaking to me in this verse as if saying “David, you have not received what was promised but I am providing something better for you.” What this promise is that I am missing out on I do not know and but I know the “better” thing that God had provided in Christ His Son and to expand it further, when Christ ascended, He sent the Holy Spirit who will strengthen and comfort me and if the Spirit be willing, my healing.

It is thus that I pray the prayer in 1 Kings 8:57-59 but I had taken the liberty of changing the plural into singular and so prayed “⁵⁷ May the Lord my (our) God be with me (us), as He was with my (our) fathers (spiritual); may He not leave me (us) or forsake me (us), ⁵⁸ that He may incline my (our) heart(s) to Himself, to walk in all His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His ordinances, which He commanded my (our) fathers (spiritual). ⁵⁹ And may these words of mine, with which I have made supplication before the Lord, be near to the Lord my (our) God day and night, that He may maintain the cause of His servant and the cause of His people Israel, as each day requires,..”

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Pain In the Journey

Have I reached another milestone in my journey?

The title for this blog entry is that same as the one posted on 10 March but the difference is that this blog is about the physical pain in the journey.

God had been good to me as I was spared the suffering and the pain for about 8 months with the chemotherapy sessions. Since my last hospitalization for duodenum and bile duct obstruction, every single day are a constant struggle to get better and so was the pain. While in the hospital, I had experienced the most excruciating pain that I had ever known. Just to give you an idea of what it is like, for those of you who had the misfortune of been hit in the shin really hard by a hard object, you will know that it is one of the most painful experience that one can have. The pain that I had experienced in TTSH was worse, so far worse that I really needed strong pain killer (morphine) every 2 hours just to ease the pain and even then, the pain wasn’t totally removed. Ha!!… I thought I have a strong tolerance for pain and even one of the doctors in TTSH described me as “stoic” or the surprise from one of the nurses that was helping to flush the port used for my chemotherapy that I had never used local analgesic whenever the needle was inserted for chemotherapy.

When I was discharged, I thought that I would be alright as the pain was not too bad and that it was just a residue from the stentings. Oh how wrong I was. It has been 2 weeks since I was discharged and now the pain is not only constant and nagging but I can feel that it is progressively getting worse. I don’t think I can use “stoic” to describe myself anymore as I reach for the morphine bottle every night to help ease the pain so that I can sleep. At least for now, I had resisted the temptation to consume the morphine more than what was prescribed and in fact I am actually taking less.

In the last review with the Radio-Oncologist, I was told that the tumor will not shrink immediately and will normally be noticeable about 2 months after the end of the therapy. 2 months… I was kind of downcast when I heard that as I know that I will have to live with the pain for that much longer. I hope the chemotherapy can be restarted soon and even then, the therapeutic effect even if it is just palliative will also not be noticeable immediately.

What can I ask you to pray for? For now, at least:

a)      For the easing of the pain.

b)      For the tumor not to grow further.

c)      For the radiotherapy to work.

d)     For the chemotherapy to resume soon.

e)      For the sovereignty of God to be present in my life and for healing

Most importantly, pray for Josie as she is really the one that is bearing most of the burden at home, at work, for me and for Nathan. I can probably say that she is the stronger one at this point as I had not heard any complain from her. This is the emotional pain that I am feeling for her and from her I know that she is toiling through her own emotional pain too.

Having said all these, am I losing my faith in God? No… definitely not and I feel that God must have a purpose for putting me through all these. In one of my earlier blog, I had quoted from a book by Bernard of Clairvaux and I append it here again for your reference.

“‘A healthy man has no idea what an ill person is suffering, neither does a well-fed person know what a hungry person goes through.’ A sick person can feel for the sick, and a hungry person can understand the plight of the hungry, especially when those who suffer are in similar circumstances. Just as pure truth is only properly understood by the pure in heart, so a brother’s sadness is best understood by the sad in heart.”

Not only the pain but God is a constant as well in my life. I trust and believe that this phase of the journey is also something that God is allowing me to go through if I am truly to understand the pain of those that are suffering from illnesses and pains. I am not saying that it is a process for me to learn how to empathise but rather it is a process of gaining an understanding of what “sufferers” are going through and thus form the basis of where I hope I can help through my blog.

I am suffering but I maintained that there is no misery. How can there be misery when at every turn, I see the support from Josie who out of love for me is making the sacrifices that she is making. I know that there are those around me who are supporting me in whatever ways that they can and in the mails and messages that they sent. Furthermore, God had carried me so far and I know that He will carry me further.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1