Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Treatment #01a

I was supposed to have the first treatment of my 2^nd Cycle of Chemotherapy on 16^TH August and thus my blood test on 15^th August. However, on 15^th August morning around 5:00am, I developed a fever and it was as high as 39.5 ^oC. In actuality, as soon as I developed a high fever, I should have headed to TTSH’s Accident and Emergency Department to have a blood test done and for the observation but as with most of us including myself, I did what came purely automatically and popped 2 panadol and went back to sleep hoping that the fever will subside. The fever did subside and it was down to about 37.5^oC to 3.9^oC at around 8:30am.

There is an overlap to this entry as it happened on the same day as my appointment with my Palliative Care Specialist

Called the chemotherapy clinic at about 9:30am to update the nurses there and ask as to what I am supposed to do next and well… I got a ticking off from the nurse as I was not supposed to take the panadol. The simple reason been that the panadol could mask the primary cause of the fever and this would make follow-up and treatment difficult should the cause be something serious. It was also from here on that I had difficulty “restarting” posting on my blog as a whole host of events occurred that really make me feel unwell that I simply do not have the energy to do anything else especially blogging.

The nurse was “at a lost” as to what to do next and I told her that I have an appointment with the palliative care specialist that afternoon and thus I was told to proceed to TTSH anyway to have the blood test done and decide what to do next. Based on the blood test done on 15^th August, I should be able to proceed with the chemotherapy on 16^th August as my platelet count was very good at 250+. The first time it had hit 150+ since last August 2012. Long story short again, in the previous post, I had spoken about the situation and appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist, based on blood test result and consultation with Chemo-MO on duty, they will plan to proceed with my chemotherapy on 16^th August.

However on 16^th August, I was having this terrible backache like those that you get when you have a bad flu and you have aches all over your body especially the back. Checked with the Chemo-MO on duty and she checked with my Medical Oncologist and they concluded that better to be on the safe side and postpone my chemotherapy and put me on flu medical (i.e. Panadol and Antibiotic).

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #03

This entry is just going to be very simple and short. I had my blood test done on 1^st August (Thursday) and the platelet could was 188 x 10⁹/L. The result was good enough for the chemotherapy to proceed on 2^nd August (Friday).

There is still that pain in the abdominal region and I am just looking forward to my appointment with my Medical Oncologist and see what he can do to help with the pain.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02c

My apology for not posting anything closed to a month now especially to those who were following my blog regularly. There will be quite a number of updates and I will be posting them in separate entries in order to keep it in chronological sequences and short per entry so that it would be easier to track the sequence of events. As I am trying to remember as much as I can of the events that had occurred over the last one month, the details of which may not be accurate but I’ll try to recollect as much and as accurately as possible.

I had my blood test done on 18^th July (Thursday), the platelet count dropped to 94 x 10⁹/L. This result was kind of on the borderline and I was asked to have another blood test done on 19^th July (Friday) to see if the platelet count is on the uptrend or downtrend. The result on 19^th was 73 x 10⁹/L, too low for the chemotherapy to proceed. I’ll just have to rest one more week and see what happens next.

On the following week, I had my blood test done on 25^th July (Thursday) and the platelet count was 145 x 10⁹/L, good enough for the chemotherapy to proceed on 26^th July (Friday).

Nothing much to report specifically for the chemotherapy as everything was fine after the therapy and I was feeling relatively well except that it was also from here onward that I had stopped posting on my blog as a whole host of events occurred thereafter that really made me feel unwell so much so that I simply do not have the energy to do anything even blogging.

Anyway I was having constant pain in the abdominal region for about 2 weeks after the chemotherapy and that it really bothered me such that I could not eat much, sleep or focus on the things I wish to do. I was in a terrible mess, curling up to sleep, enduring the occasional sharp pain that would shoot up my abdomen and at one stage, the pain was so bad that I almost wanted to admit myself to TTSH. I had lost about 3kg of weight in the 2-3 weeks. However, God was good and He helped me endured that couple of weeks of occasional excruciating pain until 5^th Aug as the pain gradually eased off and I got to see my Medical Oncologist.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02b

I went to TTSH today for my blood test. The results came out alright and my platelet count was 145 and thus high enough for the chemotherapy to proceed tomorrow morning.

Yesterday, I wrote something about things happening that are just too good to be true, well… the pain was back. Not with a vengeance but sufficiently bad enough that I woke about 3 times this morning just to take in morphine to ease the pain. It was somewhat the same on the way to TTSH this morning for the blood test and currently the pain is still there but bearable but not sufficiently bearable that I could have a “wonderful” afternoon nap.

I ask that you continue to pray that:

a)      The pain and discomfort will stay away.

b)      For the chemo, that there will be no side effects nor add to the current pain.

c)      Nathan will behave so that Josie will have lesser things to hassle over.

d)     God will sustain Josie.

Kind of apprehensive as I am still fearful mentally and I am not really looking forward to the therapy but not having it is not an option either. The battle continues to be psychological and definitely far more difficult to adjust.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

What’s Next? Part II

Sometimes, things that happened are just too good to be true but in no way am I implying that God renegade on His promises. I thought I was on the mend as far as the pain and discomfort is concerned but 2 days ago, 22nd July, the pain came back with a vengeance and it was simply gnawing at me. The morphine did not help and I had doubled the amount of morphine that I was supposed to take. The antacid, other medications and various sitting and laying down postures did not help either. It was quite excruciating. I was on the verge of admitting myself to TTSH just because of the pain. Josie and I, we prayed and I prayed as well and I am not blaming God against anything but this time the pain simply did not go away or subside sufficiently for me to be marginally comfortable. Needless to say was that I hardly slept at all that day and it was not until about 5:00 am on 23rd July that the pain subsided sufficiently enough for me to have a half decent sleep.

Tuesday continued to be quite bad but I guess I had dosed myself sufficiently with morphine that I was able to manage some routine activities. Praise God that today was fantastic compared Monday but I do not wish to be overly optimistic at this point but to continue to monitor my condition especially since I am supposed to have my chemotherapy on Friday. From the lack of rest, I am not sure if the body had produced sufficient platelets for the chemo to proceed.

I ask that you pray that:
a) The pain and discomfort will stay away.
b) The body would product sufficient platelets so that chemo can proceed on Friday.
c) For the chemo, that there will be no side effects.
d) Nathan will behave so that Josie will have less things to hassle over.
e) God will sustain Josie.

God is good and I believe this is one instance where He really showed that He will not allow us/me to bear beyond what we could bear. I firmly believe that if the pain had not subsided on Tuesday, I would probably had collapse from the pain or at least admit myself into the hospital.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02a

I went to TTSH this week on Thursday to have my blood taken for tests in order to find out if I could proceed with round 2 of my Post-Radiotherapy Chemotherapy Cycle #01. Sadly, my platelet count dropped to 94 and I was asked to return to TTSH on Friday for a 2^nd test to see if the platelet count is on the upswing or downswing. The platelet count on Friday was 73, worse than Thursday and so I had to skip this week’s chemotherapy.

I guess it is just as well because mentally I was not really looking forward to the therapy and I told Josie just as much that I fear not been able to have chemo because it gives more chance for the cancer cells to grow and multiply but I fear having the chemo because I do not know how much it would add to existing pain and discomfort. The battle thus had entered into the psychological aspect and this form of battle is far more difficult to fight.

Things are getting slightly better though. The pain is easing with medication and knowing when to administer both the pain killer, the drug that decreases stomach acid production, antacid and food intake to reduce refluxes. At one stage, things were kind of bad that I had to ask Josie to pray for me immediately and over a few times a day especially at night when the pain is more pronounce and this became a regular thing that we did over the last one week with her praying for the easing of the pain whenever it became kind of unbearable.

I guess God knows because in the last few days, a few things had happened that makes things easier psychologically and spiritually and this allowed me at least the effort of looking forward to the next chemotherapy.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Radiotherapy: Pre-therapy #04

I am still waiting for TTSH to call me concerning my chemotherapy.

The last few days were a challenge for me. Trying to eat and I still can eat and some food does get past the stomach but a substantial quantity gets stuck in the stomach and these needs to be cleared every now and then. Vomiting is indeed a daily affair now and very often for several times a day. Drinking water is also a challenge as it adds to the bloated-ness but when I do need to vomit, water helps to push the yucky stuff out.

I can tell that I am losing fat and muscle mass and I lost another 1kg+ in the last one week. I may have to go on a higher sugar intake for the energy and to help to reduce the muscle mass lost.

The jaundice is not improving but that is to be expected from the obstructed bile duct. The eyes are more yellow now and the skin has a touch of yellow and fairly obvious.

Can wait for the radiotherapy to start on Wednesday because for now, that is the best solution to shrink the size of the tumor and relieve the pressure on the stomach and the bile duct. For the bile duct, a stent can be inserted to help with the flow but with my impending radiotherapy, not sure if that is an option for the immediate future. As for the stomach, I am not sure how to ease the pressure except to eat more soft diet or go on liquid supplement.

Spiritually, the challenge is to remain strong for the family and to God. Previously, it was easy to say the “good” things because you can see God working with general improvement in my condition. With the recent turn of event, the situation is different as I am undergoing actual “suffering” so to say and focusing on God becomes an effort rather than norm. I am kind of incline to think that God is also at work in this aspect because if things had been really “bad” from the start, would I have the mental clarity to develop the faith and dependency on Him? It is perhaps God’s grace and mercy at work here to strengthen me for the tougher journey ahead having taught me to regard Him in everything, the good, the bad, the highs and the lows. I have no doubt about God’s grace and mercy and my faith in Him. Although it is a challenge to maintain that faith but if I can get through this, knowing that God is with me, I know my faith would have weathered the storm and would be stronger. Therefore, as was the case in the past, it will be moving forward that in God we trust and I cling on to the assurance of things hoped for.

On a happier note, Formula1 started yesterday in Australia. So wonderful now that I can get it on Starhub TV and I am still boycotting Singtel Mio. My 2 favorite drivers, Kimi and Alonso were on the podium in 1^st and 2^nd place respectively. So happy… So much for Seb, he is good only in a good car, on equal footing, he can never be better than Alonso and the Iceman is just so cool.

In God We Trust

Hebrew 11:1

Radiotherapy: Pre-therapy #03

I went to TTSH for my blood test yesterday. The results should be out by now and I am just waiting for my Oncologist to contact me concerning my chemotherapy in the coming week. Supposed to have my chemotherapy together with radiotherapy but I am not sure how the arrangement is supposed to be done. In any case, whether I can proceed with my chemotherapy is very much dependent on my blood tests result particularly my pancreatic and liver function. Previously, primary concern was my platelet count but now because the tumor is pressing against the liver, the results pertaining to my pancreatic and liver functions are also of concern. The wait for the call from my Oncologist is “killing” me (not literally).

I am jaundice due to obstruction of the bile duct. You can see from the pic the yellowing of my eyes. Easier to cope now that I know what I have to do. I spent about an hour this morning on a bench near my place just to sun myself and to help clear the jaundice.

Food is also retained in the stomach due to obstruction of the stomach outlet. This is the most comfortable part of my condition now as there is a feeling for bloatedness and my stomach is churning and having spasm in trying to push the food out. I had to force myself to vomit several times a day just to clear the retained food.  During the night, not only does this disturb my sleep, it disturbed Josie’s sleep as well as she is very concerned about me. This morning, at about 4am, I was trying to vomit and she knew about it from the noise and got ready a cup of warm water and waited for me to come out of the toilet. So touching and conscientious and the warm water really helped. Also easier to cope now that I sleep on an inclined position so that there will not be any reflux of the stomach content into the throat.  I managed to have a relatively good night rest this morning.

It is just a matter of resting and waiting. The waiting is the part that is agitating me as I wish that things can move along quickly. Hit the tumor and hit it hard. I can and will bear the side-effects from the therapies as God will give me the grace to bear it.

In God We Trust

Hebrew 11:1

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #10 Comment #06 / Futher Postponement

There was a little bit of miscommunication last Saturday and actually I am not able to proceed with my chemotherapy today.

Usually before the chemotherapy session, blood tests are done in order to assess if I can proceed with my chemotherapy. Usually the platelet count is one of the key criteria but found out today that my liver panel if fairly important as well.

·         ALT (Alanine Aminotransferase) readings are typically used to detect liver injury or liver disease. Reference interval for ALT is 17-63 U/L. My reading is 519.

·         The ALP (Alkaline Phosphatase) reading is slightly elevated at 183 U/L. The reference range is 38-126 U/L.

·         The Bilirubin (Total) value was 38 umol/L with the reference range at 7-31 umol/L.

You can read more about it at: http://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/

All my other result are in the normal range except for the platelets and lymphocytes that are marginally low and of no major concern.

Kind of hard to determine what could be the as from the last CT scan, the cancer in the liver had regressed and although the report did indicate early sign of bile duct obstruction but it had been there for a long time and I am not suffering from jaundice. I am taking Augmentin (Antibiotics) due to the cut that I had a few days ago but unlikely to be cause by the antibiotic as I was on this antibiotics before during my therapy. I am off TMC for 1.5 weeks and so unlikely due to it.

My Oncologist is also not certain what might be the specific cause but it is known to occur for people undergoing chemotherapy with the drugs I am on. In this case I am perplexed as my previous readings were excellent indicating improving liver functions. My only take on this as I had explain to Josie is that God is allowing the earlier readings to show improvement in order to showcase healing and now that the liver is functioning as per normal, He is allowing the liver to function “as per normal” and be allowed to be affected by the chemotherapy drugs “as per normal”.

May need to go for a liver ultrasound scan after this coming week’s blood test but I am asking some colleagues to help with an “unofficial” scan.

I have been having stomach spasm, bloated-ness and indigestion for the last 2+ weeks. Not sure if this is related.

Generally disappointed but feeling more of apprehension and fear as I do not know exactly what is going on but Josie and I, we trust in God and perhaps it is His way of granting me more rest before embarking on the next phase of therapy.

In God We Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #10 Comment #05

I had gone to TTSH for my pre-chemotherapy blood test on Saturday, 2nd March at around 9:00am and received a call on the same day at 11:00am to say that I can proceed with my chemotherapy on Monday, 4 March.

For proceeding with the chemotherapy, the apprehension is gone and I look forward to observing how the body reacts to the 10^th Chemotherapy and reporting to my Oncologist on 1^st April. This will help determine the next course of action as in either continuing with chemotherapy, resting for a long period before resuming chemotherapy or moving straight to Radiation-therapy. However, I still have some apprehension as to how I will handle this coming therapy cycle as my body is not tolerating nor recovering from the effects of the chemotherapy drugs as well or as fast as when I first started my therapy.

In any case and in either ways, regardless of looking at this coming therapy cycle positively or with apprehension, I lift it up to God as I had quoted Brother Lawrence in my previous blog and also from Philippians (that is topic for another blog post).

“God often allows us to suffer somewhat in order to purify our souls, and so bring us nearer to Him. My own experience is such that I cannot understand how a soul that lives with God and desires only Him can be capable of misery. ”

(Referencing to my blog entry “Encouragement and the meaning of Life” posted on 03 February 2013)

Philippians 3:8-20 (NASB)

⁸ More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, ⁹ and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
¹⁰ that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; ¹¹in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
¹² Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. ¹³ Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,
¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you; ¹⁶ however, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained.

In God We Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #10 Comment #04 / Oncologist Appointment

I had an Oncologist appointment today and if I had proceeded with my chemotherapy today, he would have seen me at the therapy room instead of his clinic.

Seem what I am going through is not unexpected:

1)      The interval of the therapy is kept at 4 weeks due to my past platelet “recovery” pattern plus having reached the 10^th cycles, it is not at all unexpected.

2)      The persistence tingling and numbness in my fingers and toes again is not unexpected and due to one specific chemo-drug used in my therapy. He was telling me that some patient having reached this stage of their chemotherapy cannot even hold a pen with their fingers due to the numbness. I guess with me experiencing only tingling and numbness now is a good sign. If it persist and gets worse, my Oncologist may want to stop the chemotherapy and move on to radiotherapy or simply stop the chemo for a longer period before resuming chemotherapy.

3)      Currently, chemotherapy is the preferred therapy method and only when I completed 12 cycles would my oncologist move me to radiotherapy. However, if I am not able to tolerate my 10^th cycle, he may just request for a CT scan, check for progress and move me straight to radiotherapy and then possible back to chemotherapy.

4)      I am experiencing what is termed “Anticipatory Nausea”. Basically, I experience signs of nausea even before I start my chemotherapy. One of those psychological things. He is prescribing anti-nausea medication for me to take 2 days before my therapy is ease the symptoms.

5)      I have been experiencing “bloated-ness” and pain in my abdominal area after meals for the last 2 weeks. The bloated-ness could be due to greasy or oily food and the pain could be due to my pancreatitis as the pancreas is trying to work to digest the food and process the nutrients. The feeling is not pleasant. For a normal person, usually some antibiotics, rest and drips will help but in my case, not much could be done but I have to watch my diet and rest.

This is clinical update so far.

I ask for prayer that I can complete all 12 rounds of chemotherapy before moving to radiotherapy.  Might need a break but I’ll hear what the Oncologist advises.

I’ve gain another kilogram in the last one month but this is not really good. I got to wautch my diet and weight.

In Him We Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #10 Comment #03 / Postponed

Sigh… It is another one of those weeks where I am not able to proceed with my chemotherapy.

I went to TTSH on 23 February, Saturday for my blood test and the platelet count result was 82 which mean that I am not able to proceed to my next round of chemotherapy on 25^th February, Monday.  Somewhat upset as this time around, the Oncologist had planned for the cycle to proceeds at 4 weeks interval due to my past platelet count readings. It also means that when I am able to have my chemotherapy on 5^th March, it would be 5 weeks since the last therapy.

In my last blog, I may have confessed to some fear but I would rather be able to proceed with my therapy. Josie and I were talking about it and my platelet count could be low possibly due to my hectic activities during these 2 weeks of Chinese New Year and did not get sufficient rest. However, if I were to look at it from the perspective of God’s planning, it could be that He knows that Josie is traveling for work on Tuesday and back only on Friday morning and had thus planned the postponement so that I’ll have Josie around to take care of me during my therapy and also that she does not have to worry about me when she is away on her trip.

Thus when I thought about it, the postponement may not be a bad thing after all. I will get my rest in this coming week and Josie need not worry and I’ll be at home to look after Nathan as well.

He is good even when it comes to planning my therapy.

In Him We Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #10 Comment #02 / Communion

Our Vicar conducted communion for Josie and me on Thursday evening.

The passage chosen was from Psalm 108:1-6 (NASB).

God Praised and Supplicated to Give Victory.

A Song, a Psalm of David.

¹  My heart is steadfast, O God;

   I will sing, I will sing praises, even with my soul.

²  Awake, harp and lyre;

   I will awaken the dawn!

³  I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the peoples,

   And I will sing praises to You among the nations.

⁴  For Your lovingkindness is great above the heavens,

   And Your truth reaches to the skies.

⁵  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens,

   And Your glory above all the earth.

⁶  That Your beloved may be delivered,

   Save with Your right hand, and answer me!

The word was to be steadfast and when I read these verses, the first verse says “My heart is steadfast” and it was a reminder for me. In my last post, I said that I was getting scared but I have to remember that God was steadfast with me and had supported me since the day I was told I had cancer. I therefore need to be steadfast too with the Lord and the rest of the verses are reminders for me to worship and proclaim God’s goodness, lovingkindness and exalted position.

I was having coffee with our previous Vicar yesterday’s morning and his words were also a confirmation of this passage because he spoke about worship. It is one thing to proclaim and acknowledge God’s goodness and sovereignty but these proclamations need to be translated into worship of God and yet again God is leading me and it is no coincident the our previous Vicar spoke about the need for worship and our current Vicar chose these passages that spoke of worship too.

It reminded me of the song “Be Exalted O God”. The original bible reference is from Psalms 57:11 that reads “Be exalted above the heavens, O God; Let Your glory be above all the earth.” (NASB) and if you look at Psalms 108:5, they are similar.

Even as I desire to know His will, God once again is revealing His will to me.

In God We Trust.

BE EXALTED O GOD (I WILL GIVE THANKS TO THEE)

Words and Music by Brent Chambers

Copyright © 1977 Scripture in Song / Thankyou Music

Verse

I will give thanks to Thee.

O Lord, among the people.

I will sing praises to Thee among the nations.

For Thy steadfast love is great, is great to the heavens,

And Thy faithfulness, Thy faithfulness to the clouds.

Chorus:

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens.

Let Thy glory be over all the earth.

Chorus (Last Time):

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens.

Let Thy glory, let Thy glory,

Let Thy glory be over all the earth.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #10 Comment #01

My next chemotherapy session is on 25^th February. My Vicar will be conducting communion for me and family on 21^st February, Thursday.

I have to confess that I am getting more scared of chemotherapy as some of the side-effects immediately after the chemotherapy are getting stronger. Up till now, my fingers and toes are still a little numbed and tinkling. The numbness in the tongue only disappeared last week. Although the appetite is good and I can keep the food down but I was eating less and for the few days after the last chemotherapy I lost about half a kilograms but I had since gained this weight back.

The last few days, the blood sugar for some reason was a little difficult to manage and I had a big scare a few hours ago when the blood sugar level went down to 4.0 and basically I was in the hypoglycemic state and I was having cold sweat and trembling and forcing myself not to go to sleep. Had to down some sweet pastry to get some sugar into the system but I may have overdone it.

I may be scared but I have to remain strong not just for myself but for Josie and Nathan and my dependence on God has not waivered but I have to constantly remind myself of His Goodness, Mercy and Grace. This was why I was going through some of my old posts yesterday.

Yesterday I posed the hymn “How Great Thou Art” which was one the songs used my wedding. For these period though, as far as songs or hymns are concerned, I cling to “Blessed Assurance” where it says “Perfect submission all is at rest, I in my Savior am happy and blest; Watching and waiting, looking above, Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.”

Yes, I am happy and blest to be in Jesus.

In God We Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #03

I went to TTSH for my blood test today and the result came out quite good.  The platelet count is 104 and so my 9^th chemotherapy can proceed on Monday. Ever since the 4^th cycle, this is the only the 2^nd time that the platelet count had gone above 100.  The last time was after the 5^th or 6^th cycles (can’t remember which) and that was only after 4 weeks break. This time, the break was only 3 weeks and added to it was the fact that I had just recovered from a bad flu.

I’ve learnt for practical purpose, it is good to have the blood test done at least one day in advance so that I know whether my chemotherapy can proceed on the next day. This way, I can have my therapy early in the morning and go home earlier. This is much better compared to the previous times where I go on the same day, do my blood test, wait for at least 1-2 hours for the result and if chemotherapy can proceed, to wait for the drugs, start the therapy a little later in the morning or early afternoon and end the therapy late in the afternoon.  

God is good and He upheld me and very grateful for the good news and good health considering my conditions.

In my last post, I had mentioned that Josie questioned “why, why I had cancer?” A bit of clarification about the statement because the question was not directed at God but was directed at herself as simply a “human” question. I guess at that point in our life, we were at a stage of our Christian walk that we did not question God on the “why”. We now seek his revelation as to the purpose and we continue to pray in that direction.

To Him we give thanks In Him we Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #02 / Communion

We went to church at about 6:50pm. Communion was at 7:00pm and we were joined by Josie’s eldest and 2^nd sisters.

The passage used for the communion was from 2 Chronicles 20. It is the story of Jehoshaphat and how he had triumph over the enemies of Judah when he placed his trust in the Lord. God had reassured the people of Judah and Jehoshaphat that He is with them and Jehoshaphat obeyed God and spoke to the people of Judah in 2 Chronicles 20:21 saying “Listen to me, O Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem, put your trust in the Lord your God and you will be established. Put your trust in His prophets and succeed.”(NASB) 

Jehoshaphat then proceeded to put “those who sang to the Lord and those who praised Him in holy attire” in front of the army and God granted to Judah victory over “the sons of Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir, who had come against Judah”.  In this passage, Jehoshaphat, by pacing the singer in front of the army was not only an act of faith, it is a declaration of faith and dependency on God.

The message is to trust in the Lord. For most of us, despite the reassurance from God, we tend to also make provision “just in case”. We may in times of need, hear from God and receive assurance from God or people who had received visions or word from God but somehow we act contrary to the promises of God but see the example of Jehoshaphat, see his act of faith and see how God honored that faith.

It is also interesting to note that the passage and message is in lined with what I had posted in my blog in the last few days, that all things have their purposes, how all things is from God, the victory over our enemies, how for me as a soundman is also a worshipper, is also a part of the worship team that stand in front of the army singing songs of praise to God.

We had communion and we ended the communion with a prayer for Josie as the care-giver. It was poignant as Josie had been so patient and strong through this period of supporting me while at the same time having to juggle the role of a wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law and staff in her company.

I had wanted her to write a blog entry but she was afraid to do so and also refuse to allow me to write the blog in proxy for her but I would still like to add the following on her behalf. When I was discovered as having Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer, Josie was in a state of shock and I knew that she was asking why, why I had cancer? She was totally heart broken when her mother passed away from cancer and she does not wish to lose her husband in similar way. We have in addition to our wedding vows always says to each other that we will grow old together and I intent to keep that promise by the grace of God.

God had granted me an extension with the regression of the cancer in the liver and stability of the pancreatic tumor.  The journey is not at an end in term of my life expectancy and also my battle for victory over the cancer. As in the case of Jehoshaphat, I will trust, I will put myself forward in front of the army and sing praises to God because he is with me and also as Josie had declared “just very thankful to GOD for His mercy and grace... lets believe His complete work in our lives and He loves us and never let go...”

In Him we Trust unconditionally.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #01

My next Chemotherapy is scheduled for Monday, 28 January.

After every 4 cycles of chemotherapy, I will undergo a CT-Scan to determine the efficacy of the chemotherapy.

After the 1^st 4 cycles, there was marked improvement to the liver function and on the CT scan, it showed that the cancer in the liver had regressed. After the 2^nd 4 cycles, in the words of the radiologist that did the CT report, “The previously noted hypodense liver lesion involving segments 3, 4 and 5 has largely resolved. The liver outline is smooth.” My oncologist is obviously quite happy with the outcome.

For the coming 4 cycles, you can say that it is a kind of milestone as it is the start of a new phase of battle to rid the body of the pancreatic tumor.

The church and Vicar is going to conduct communion for me and the family this evening and actually I was thinking of posting an entry only after the communion but Josie sent a message to me this morning and it says “just very thankful to GOD for His mercy and grace... lets believe His complete work in our lives and He loves us and never let go...” It is the trigger for me to want to make an “early” post before the communion.

It is true that we are very thankful to GOD (Capital letters) for His mercy and grace for without it I shudder to think how I might have tolerated the chemotherapies. To believe His complete work in our lives is by no mean an easy task considering the seriousness of Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer and the lack of or extremely low rate of success in treating this disease. To believe He loves us and never let go is in line with our trust in Him, His grace, His mercy and dependence on Him and His sovereignty.

This hymn comes to mind as I end this blog entry:

My Hope Is Built On Nothing Less

Author: Edward Mote (1834)

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness:

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' Name.

[Refrain]

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand:

All other ground is sinking sand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace;

In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;

When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound, O may I then in Him be found:

Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne.

Truly in Him we trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #03

Waiting for Tuesday to come and if my platelet is up, I’ll have my 8^th Chemotherapy and it will be 4 weeks since my last therapy.

I suspect that the platelet level is not very high as from observing the “bleeding” time when I do my needle stick for glucose testing, it took a while before the bleeding stop. I hope that the platelet at least is at least above 90 x 10⁹/L. My red blood cell count is probably low as well from the “watery” consistency of my blood.

On the up side, controlling the blood sugar lever is getting easier now that I only have to inject insulin twice a day. Except during therapy period where I will need to supplement the insulin that I am taking now with more doses of short acting insulin to counter the sugar spike due to intake of steroid. Previously, I have to watch out for my blood sugar been too high but now I have to make sure it doesn’t get too low.  I received a scare twice recently when my blood glucose level went down to about 4.5mmol/L.

It is the time of the year when many folks are sick from Flu. There are some members from church and Josie who are down with Flu. I was told in church to be careful but even if I am careful in church, I still can’t totally avoid Josie at home. So far I am well and thank God for it but I will have to cautious too. I am thankful too that Josie despite been ill is still caring for Nathan and thus alleviating the need for me to “take over”.

Today, as part of Pastor’s sermon, he joked that we all wish each other “Happy New Year” when we cross into the new year but come 2^nd of January, there will be a lot of grumpy people because there will be one group that goes back to work and another group that goes back to school. It struck a chord with me because what does it really mean to be “Happy”? If you had read my entry “Thanksgiving for 2012 and Looking Forward to 2013”, you would know that there are many reasons for me to be happy about. Not everything is dark and gloomy as there are always many things that we can be thankful and happy about if we looked on the bright side of things.

I had helped with sound in church today as the worship leader is quite ill and have to do and see a doctor and her husband is the soundman.  Now, I could grumble that “why like that?” or “No one else can help?” but no, it is an opportunity to serve, to be of service and to help my fellow brother and sister who has a need and am very glad for it. I am not trying to gain credit for helping but for me, I am thankful that despite my cancer and treatment, I am at least well enough to be of service and help.

The New Year then is a happy year for God had seen me through 2012 and I know He will see me through 2013 and more.

A belated Happy New Year to all.

Happy New Year my Father and in You we trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #02 / New Year’s Eve

TTSH called and my therapy is postponed till next Tues, 8^th January 2013.

Today is also New Year’s Eve and the time of the year to reflect and look forward to a new year, a new beginning. What a year it has been for me and Josie but through it all, God had always been gracious, stood by us and carried us.

If I were to “leave” today, I would have no regrets as I have plan and settled most of things needed for Josie to take care of Nathan. I had made peace with whoever that I need to make peace with but the process had actually started last year. In a way, it showed me that God had started working in and on me even before I had cancer.

Having Josie by my side had also opened up many doors but along the way, there were some nagging too. For those who are already married, too bad, you have to live with the nagging. For those who are going to get married, understand that when your wife truly loves you, the nagging is just one of their ways of showing endearment and concern for you. Love them back in return as God had commanded and if it makes sense, change your ways so the wife will nag less and it is healthier for them too.

There are many things to thank God for and I have no regrets in believing and trusting Him. 2012 will go down in my life’s journey as a turning point and the most significant in terms of God’s presence in my life.

I thank Him and I trust Him.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #02 / Communion

On Wednesday, Vicar conducted communion for the family. It was a very small affair as only Vicar, one church staff, Josie and me were present. I had requested that Cell Group and friends not be informed so that they won’t be “pressured” to coming for the communion as it is at 6pm (delayed till 6:30pm because I was caught up is some matters) and just a day after Christmas.

Josie’s family could not make it as Josie’s grandmother is in hospital for an operation on the appendix and intestines and Josie’s father is in hospital for observation for suspected impending stroke (he did not have any stoke but potentially might have one at any time). A MRI was done for Josie’s father and we will know the result/report on Friday morning.  I ask that you pray for Josie’s grandmother and father.

For today’s communion, Vicar spoke from Psalm 131.

Psalm 131 (Childlike Trust in the Lord.)

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

 

A Song of Ascents, of David.

¹  O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,

   Or in things too difficult for me.

²  Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;

Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.

³  O Israel, hope in the Lord

From this time forth and forever.

How apt the scripture is to my current situation and the title given to this Psalm speaks volume in what I hope to achieve. Although I keep writing that I trust in God, I have missed out the “childlike” part of the trust in God. In reading this Psalm, it is an affirmation of my desire as described in this psalm. A childlike trust is unquestioning and a childlike faith is unwavering but how often we questioned God’s plan or action and how often we doubted Him.

Verse 3 issued a challenge to “hope in the Lord” and not only just hope but also “From this time forth and forever”. I think to hope in the Lord is the easy part but the “From this time forth and forever” will be a challenge for many as we are constantly bombarded with distractions and various priorities that we forget God and we say “later” to Him instead of “right now and forever”. I am guilty of that even now despite professing to trust in Him. There are the occasional doubts and there are times that I got distracted or I let my own personality or character rises to the fore and push God to the rear such that He does not take precedence anymore.

I don’t know how Vicar came about this scripture but I believe God has a hand in it either by inspiration or simply from Vicar’s knowledge of my desire. Regardless, to me, Verse 1 speaks of what I had learnt, Verse 2 on what I aspire to achieve and Verse 3, my faith and hope in God and thus I can proclaim:

In God I Trust.