Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Treatment #02 / Follow-Up with Pallative Care Specialist

Last week was kind of a week that was difficult to get through. After the 2^nd Cycle’s 1^st treatment (Post-Radiotherapy), I had swelling (water-retention) is both legs for about 2 days. My whole constitution was quite messy as well. There was general pain in the abdominal area and it did not go away despite the Fentanyl patch and morphine. One of the side effects of the Fentanyl and morphine is constipation and it finally started to happen. I was not able to eat well and sleep well despite the lethargy.

On Thursdays (29^th August), I went for my blood test and the nurses also notice that I am generally not myself and they notice my tiredness too. This is in consideration that I am generally stoic and normally jovial whenever I go to the clinic.

That same day, I had an appointment with my Palliative Care Specialist and we reviewed my condition, my medication, dosages, etc. This was when I found out that part of the contributing factor towards the pain was probably the constipation and that I would need to start on my constipation medication and also to go back to the medication regime previously prescribed as on my part, I had try to reduce the dosage as much as possible. Out of a “no choice” situation, I had to stick with the original prescriptions/regime and also start on the laxative for the constipation.

As the blood test result was positive, the platelet count was 120+ and thus we proceeded with the chemotherapy on Friday (30^th August). God is good to me. Following the prescription and some precautionary steps, the water retention was really quite minimal (almost none). I was very tired for the first 2 days but today was kind of good and I was able to move about and spend some time with Josie and Nathan. I will have to monitor myself for the next few days and see how my constitution will be like and hopefully continue to be well enough for my 2^nd Cycle’s 3^rd treatment.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him, all creatures here below,

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Amen.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:10

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #02 Treatment #01b

Specifically for the Chemotherapy, there was no major hiccup this time round on 22^nd August (Thursday) and 23^rd August (Friday).

The week before, I had developed water retention and my feet and calves were swollen for about 2 days before subsiding. On Thursday, there was still some slight swelling but not sufficient enough to be of major concern. My platelet count was 188 but because of my low haemoglobin and red cell count and the swelling, the preparation of my drugs was held off unit Friday as the nurses would like to see what my actual conditions are on Friday.

Come Friday, the swelling is still slight but not sufficient to cause major concern and so the therapy proceeded. All went well and I was home by about 1:00pm in the afternoon. Seem like all good things comes to an end at one time or another as things took a tumble on Saturday when my abdominal area went into a tailspin and I was having bloated-ness, pain on the left side (Stomach region) and on the centre (tumor region), did not pass motion for 1 day although there wasn’t that constipated feeling. The feet and calves swelled with the swelling subsiding only on Monday evening. I slept for practically the entire day on Saturday literally despite the noise from Nathan.

Slightly better today as you can see since I am able to blog but I am “tahaning” the tiredness and minor pain despite the morphine. Have an appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist next week and let’s see what she says then.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Med-Oncologist Follow-up and Appointment with Palliative Care Specialist

Waited and tolerated all the pain and finally got to see my Medical Oncologist on 5th August (Monday).

Prior to all my appointment with my Medical Oncologist, a blood test will be done but the test consisted of more parameters than those needed for Chemotherapy. From the result, my haemoglobin and red cell count is somewhat on the low side and this is one reason why I am generally tired and “lack energy” and would tend to want to sleep.

With my Oncologist, we spoke, we talked and at one stage he used the word “palliative” again to describe my treatment and condition. In other word, he is treating me from the perspective of lengthening my life and making sure that I have at least some form of “quality of life”. In any case we have a different outlook with this regards. Anyway, we spoke also about the constant pain and he increased the dose of my Fentanyl patch to 75mcg. When I switched to this does, it does help somewhat but the pain did not go away, it simply was less intense. I had requested for a referral to a palliative care specialist and was careful not to “upset” his professionalism. He was very open about it and thought that it was probably a good idea to have the palliative care specialist assess and manage my pain situation.

The appointment with the Palliative Care Specialist was scheduled pretty quickly as I got a slot within a week of my follow-up with my Medical Oncologist on 15th August.

With the Palliative Care Specialist, we spoke a lot as I have to provide her with background information other than those that are already in my case-notes. She was patient and generally “affectionate” but then I was told all Palliative Care Specialist are generally such due to the type of patients that they attend to. To cut the long story short, she asked me about my pain, type, location, occurrences and morphine dosage. She did some quick calculation and I was told I could triple my morphine dose so that the pain could be effectively managed. Guess what? I tried it at home and it really helped. The pain was sort of “gone” for at least the full four hours in-between dose and for the week after that, life was sort of pleasant again. I was also given another pain killer that was supposed to help with the occasional sharp intense pain in the abdomen and that really helped too. Before this, the pain was simply a constant presence, always there and always disturbing. I was told just to watch out for constipation as both the Fentanyl and morphine has this side effect and also causes drowsiness.

Really thank God for this turnaround of event.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.
Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #02c

My apology for not posting anything closed to a month now especially to those who were following my blog regularly. There will be quite a number of updates and I will be posting them in separate entries in order to keep it in chronological sequences and short per entry so that it would be easier to track the sequence of events. As I am trying to remember as much as I can of the events that had occurred over the last one month, the details of which may not be accurate but I’ll try to recollect as much and as accurately as possible.

I had my blood test done on 18^th July (Thursday), the platelet count dropped to 94 x 10⁹/L. This result was kind of on the borderline and I was asked to have another blood test done on 19^th July (Friday) to see if the platelet count is on the uptrend or downtrend. The result on 19^th was 73 x 10⁹/L, too low for the chemotherapy to proceed. I’ll just have to rest one more week and see what happens next.

On the following week, I had my blood test done on 25^th July (Thursday) and the platelet count was 145 x 10⁹/L, good enough for the chemotherapy to proceed on 26^th July (Friday).

Nothing much to report specifically for the chemotherapy as everything was fine after the therapy and I was feeling relatively well except that it was also from here onward that I had stopped posting on my blog as a whole host of events occurred thereafter that really made me feel unwell so much so that I simply do not have the energy to do anything even blogging.

Anyway I was having constant pain in the abdominal region for about 2 weeks after the chemotherapy and that it really bothered me such that I could not eat much, sleep or focus on the things I wish to do. I was in a terrible mess, curling up to sleep, enduring the occasional sharp pain that would shoot up my abdomen and at one stage, the pain was so bad that I almost wanted to admit myself to TTSH. I had lost about 3kg of weight in the 2-3 weeks. However, God was good and He helped me endured that couple of weeks of occasional excruciating pain until 5^th Aug as the pain gradually eased off and I got to see my Medical Oncologist.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Post-Radiotherapy: Chemotherapy Cycle #01 Treatment #01

Last Friday was the first treatment for the first cycle of my first chemotherapy after my radiation-therapy. Went to the clinic not knowing what to expect but at least I know for the new regime, I do not have to carry a pump home and all the infusions are was done at the clinic.

Last week, I was progressively getting better from the Gastritis and started to feel and eat better although there were the occasional ups and downs. As I was sort of still recovering from the radiation induced gastritis, I was a bit apprehensive as to whether the chemotherapy would affect or make the gastritis worse. Therefore I was a little surprised that things turned out well enough on Friday and I was able to have a proper lunch and I was feeling well enough also in the evening. The next day though was another story. I was alright in the morning and went to Macdonald in the morning for Nathan’s weekly treat. A neighbor who is also a fellow church member was also at Macdonald and we had breakfast together and we chatted. That was around 10:00am in the morning. At around 11:00am, the side-effect (I assumed that it was the chemotherapy side effect) hit me like a ton of bricks and it was like a combination of all the things that I was suffering from in the last 3 weeks all coming together in that one moment. There was the pain, the bloated-ness, the feeling of wanting to vomit, the occasional sharp pain in the lower and upper abdomen, occasional sharp pain on the lower right chest where the liver is, the churning and spasm like those of gastritis. All in all, it was just bad, bad, bad… These lasted all the way through the day and into Sunday. Can’t eat but tried to and can’t sleep. Loaded myself with morphine but only helped moderately.

I am normally quite stoic but it was so bad on Saturday that I had resorted to “chanting” asking the Father in Jesus’ name to remove the tumor and pain and I kept repeating myself until I doze off at one stage.

Slightly better now but all the symptoms are still there but on a much reduced severity scale. Suspect that all these are part of the chemotherapy side-effects accentuated by the still recovering radiation gastritis. Suspect that the pain was that bad because I was also on the tail end (3^rd day) of the effectiveness of the fentanyl patch. Changed the patch last night and supplemented with morphine and overall I had a more comfortable night. At least I did not wake up from a sharp shock of pain from the abdominal region and I could sleep lying down instead of sitting.

Beyond these, I do now know if there is anything positive that I could report on but sadly I could really not think of any but the fact that I could still be writing now and report that I am doing better now compared to Saturday is a positive, that God is still with me and had helped carried me through the weekend. Last night, as my birthday is coming up, my mother cooked mee-suah in Bak-Ku-Teh soup base with pork ribs, kidney and liver, hard-boiled egg and Chai-Sin. Regardless of whether it is my birthday or not, that dish is one of my favorite and I guess it went in a great way towards opening up my appetite. Last night’s portion is roughly less than half of what I would normally had consumed when I am well.

What a way to celebrate my birthday but I am reminded of God’s goodness that I still have the opportunity to “celebrate” my birthday this year.

Yesterday, Josie received news that the sister of one of her closest friend was also diagnosed with Stage-IV cancer that had metastasised to multiple organ. Not certain what is the specific cancer but preliminary indication is pancreatic cancer but further test are been done. The metastasis is quite extensive and she is experiencing a lot of pain and I believe the pain is on a level that is far worse than mine. If you read this and have the time to pray for me, I ask that you pray for this sister as well, for God to comfort and sustain her and her family.

In God We Trust and in Christ alone my hope is found.

Hebrews 11:1

Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #04

I know I have not posted for the last 2 days.

Friday was not a terribly good day as for some reasons I was not able to sleep well on Thursday night. Slept at about 11:30pm but woke up at about 4:30am and could not get back to sleep. Went back to the office in the afternoon to submit my medical claims and at the same time meet my boss for my 2012 performance appraisal. I guess you can say that I was quite “stoned” by the end of the day. I had a good time in the office though, meeting up and chatting with colleagues. On the medical side, I was generally alright, appetite is again good but I had a bit of scare on Friday night when the blood glucose level was close to hypoglycemic at 4.7. Let’s just say I took the opportunity to gobble some sweets.

On Saturday, I had actually forgotten to take my last anti-nausea medication and I was none the worse for it which I guess is good. The only negative thing is that this time around, the tinkling and numbness in the fingers, toes and tongue is more pronounce than all the previous therapy cycles but I think I should be back to “normal” by Sunday and latest by Monday.

Based on the past and especially the last 2 days experience for which I will have to continue to monitor for the next few days, I might need to reduce my insulin injection in the evening as my blood glucose level at night is on the “low” side. Not a bad news.

This post will probably be the last of the “Post-Chemotherapy” updates for cycles 9 and I am looking forward to Chinese New Year.

He is really good to me and my family and so In Him We Trust

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #02

Had the pump removed today and it was a relatively uneventful event.

Generally feeling well today but I got heaps of hiccups.  Blood glucose level did not spike too much as the doctor had reduced the oral anti-nausea medication and one of them is a steroid that causes the spike. My stomach is growling a fair bit but trying to control intake of food so that the blood sugar do not spike too much and to slow down or halt the weight gain.

Just read an article on BBC news that says that taking anti-oxidant supplements like Vitamin A, C or E while undergoing chemotherapy may actually prevent the chemotherapy drug from doing its job.  When a person is healthy, taking anti-oxidant supplements is useful in neutralizing free-radicals in our body. Some chemotherapy drugs are free-radical based and so taking anti-oxidant supplements will neutralize the chemotherapy drugs and prevent the drugs from doing its job. Kind of logical but there is no concrete data on it yet.

Anyway, God has been good. The one extra week of rest I think did good and allowed me to tolerate the chemotherapy’s side effects better.

In God We Trust

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #01

I woke up this morning feeling “great”, no nausea, no uncomfortable feeling but then after breakfast the nausea slowing crept in. As the Doctor had reduced my nausea medication since I was able to tolerate the nausea, the blood sugar spike was easier to manage but started having hiccup again.

Beyond these, things are generally ok today. Appetite is still good although I am controlling the quantity food intake in line with Doctor’s advice.

Josie is slowly recovering from her flu and cough. I am so glad that myself and Nathan did not catch the flu. It would have been a very difficult situation if I were to catch the flu.

Tomorrow, I’ll be heading back to TTSH to remove the pump.

In God We Trust

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment #03

Hmm… skipping the anti-nausea medication may not be such a good decision after all. Feeling quite queasy for the last 2 days but blood sugar levels was good. So, it is a toss-up but I think “feeling-better” is preferable as I can control the blood sugar level with insulin.

On the 4^th day of my chemotherapy cycle, I have to inject a drug to boost my white blood cells production. I was warned that I might get some aches due to the action of the drug and I did not experience the aches in the first 4 cycles, but had them in the last 3. The current one is more obvious, my whole back is aching and it is like those aches you get when you have the flu.

Platelet level is probable dropping as I’m getting bruises where I am injecting my insulin. I’m also getting more tired and taking longer naps.

The body is getting weaker but God is my strength.

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment #02

Got the pump disconnected today and it was uneventful.

Was feeling under the weather but found out by accident that the anti-nausea pills was actually adding to my nausea rather than helping and so I am skipping the anti-nausea pills for now and pop them only if the nausea comes back.

Stopping the anti-nausea pill will help with regards to the blood sugar spike as it will mean that there is no steroids in my system that causes the sugar spike. Oh… switching to a new insulin injection regime helps too in controlling my blood sugar but doc is advising me not to go overboard as I may end up obese.

Nathan is getting more active and demanding more attention but always hard to give him time during the chemo days. Putting him in playgroup is hard too as they tend to bring illness home and I cannot afford to get sick.

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #07 Comment #01

I’m feeling much better this morning after a good night sleep. Restricted the amount of food I took for supper and that help controlled my sugar spike.

Already showing sights of the low platelet count but the bruises I have from a few bumps here and there. I got to be extra careful too about the higher numbers of mosquitoes as it is the rainy season. Placed insect repellent all over the house but does not seem to help. Might consider getting the mosquitoes repelling incense as experiences from the army days shows that it seem to work and I will head to Jalan Sultan to get the safety incense holder. Will help Nathan too as his skin is sensitive to mosquitoes bite and always get that big swelling that takes about 3 to 4 days to subside and about 2 weeks to fully heal.

A little dehydrated this morning and trying to replenish fluid in the body. I am talking Helmig’s Curcumin drink just to add flavor to the water. I got it not for its health benefit but because it taste good and uses artificial sweetener instead of sugar. Here’s the web-link if you are interested (http://www.helmigs.com/products.php?products=8). You can get the item in NTUC. Their Noni drinks taste quite good too but they are manufactured in Indonesia… Hmm…

In God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Comment #03

It’s been 6 days since the start of the 6^th cycle of chemotherapy. The body is adjusting back to “normal” and because I am off the steroid medication (only has to take for the 1^st 4 days), the blood sugar level is getting easier to manage.

On the 4^th day of each cycle, I have to give myself a booster jab to boost my white cell count. I was told that the body may ache because of the jab. For the first 4 cycles, the ache wasn’t really pronounced and I get by not noticing the ache. The 5^th and 6^th cycle was different thought. These 2 cycles, the ache is more noticeable running down the neck to the back and shoulders. It is a bit irritating but no real hassle.

Saw my surgeon on Friday, not much to report here. It was just a regular follow-up and there is really nothing much to say since my cancer is still in-operable. The next visit will be at the end of the 12^th cycles and see what could be done then. There is a slight issue with the possibility of the bile duct showing early sign of occlusion but my liver function test/numbers is normal and I do not have jaundice. So, the advice is to monitor myself for signs of jaundice. Anyway, if the bile duct occlusion really does happen, the remedy is to have a stent inserted to open the bile duct. Surgeon did say I look quite well and advice me to keep a positive spirit.

The tongue, teeth and finger tips are getting more numbed but it is expected as part of my chemotherapy.

I am alright, just a little tired.

In  God I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Comment #02

Not feeling too well today as I am somewhat more lethargic than yesterday.  Possible because the blood sugar level is not managed well. Going to “gate-crash” my specialist at 2pm today to see what could be done. Still a little dehydrated but other than that all is well.

For today I'll be sorting out some work and personal admin on my computer.

In God I Trust that all will be well.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #06 / Comment #01

Feeling well today except for the “normal” side-effect but it is not as bad as the previous cycles, possibly because the does is at 65% level.  The worse I am felling is the numbness in the tongue and teeth.

Appetite is still good but I have to control my diet more carefully for the next few days as I’m on steroidal medication to control the nausea.  These steroids will elevate the blood sugar level, for normal folks it is of no issue but for diabetic like me, I have to careful.

Quite dehydrated as well and so I got to drink a lot of water.

A few days ago, received a message from an old friend that had migrated to the US. On the day she sent the message, she had just completed a marathon that morning and saw some runners’ wearing t-shirts with the following verse “…let us run with endurance/patience the race that is set before us…”

The verse is from Hebrew 12:1-3 (Jesus, the Example)
¹ Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (NASB)

The verse was given to me to encourage me to persevere and run the good race as I was also told that my blogs does help to “encourage and put really important things into perspective. People will go through trials, gain some insight and realign their priorities. Only to forget, once things return to normal. So your blog I’m sure will remind some of what truly matters.”

What a perfect timing to remind me further of God’s grace and mercy towards me and it really encourages me to continue with the blog and hopefully there are those out there who will be touched and encouraged by my blog.

Furthermore, we are reminded of the sacrifice that Jesus had made for us on the cross. Therefore, considering that Christ had endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that we will not grow weary and lose heart.  It is such an encouragement for me to further endure and persevere, to set Christ as my example and also to lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith and my faith is set on His sovereignty over my life.

In Him I Truly Trust.

Two Sides To A Coin

As I had posted in the previous blog “Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #05 Comment #04”, a lot of people had mentioned that I looked “well” and “normal” and I thank God for it because it is Him that is helping me. A lot of people also said that a lot of it also had to do with mental strength but I have a different opinion on that and this blog is meant to dispel the impression the all is rosy and that there seem to be no worries in my life.

Josie and I were having lunch on Sunday with our god-family and as with any lunches with friends and family, we got to talk and with this family, the talk is more casual and intimate at the same time due to closeness of the two families.

They were mentioning that most of my post were positive and that is good but whether I had considered that the posts were so good that some people might get turned off and maybe that’s why the recent posts did not get as many hits as the earlier posts as everything seem to be rosy and good and so what for continue to follow the posts.

Before I go into the “Dark Sides” of things, I have to mention that this blog was set up to document my journey and also to try and encourage those in the same situation as me. After thinking about what was mentioned to me, I realize that there are 2 sides to the coins. All the positive posts so far are the good side of the coin

It was suggested that maybe I should mention some of the “not so good things” as everything is not as rosy as it looks simply because I did not mention some of the major challenges of chemotherapy and the emotional toils it had created in me and in my family. I may look well and I may look normal but I am not. You may see me smile in church but you do not see the occasional frustration, the anger, the temper, the financial worries, the care for Josie and Nathan should God chose to take me home earlier that what I had asked for.

Last night, I had cut my gum while brushing my teeth and most certainly the cut will develop into an ulcer and the last ulcer I had took more than a month to heal, or that last night I had sneezed and the right nostril bled again. I can post in my blog that “oh… ulcer again, very painful, hard to eat my food…” or that God is good and helped healed the previous ulcer although it took more than a month. Which statement would do the greater good?

When the cancer was first diagnosed, I did some web search and depending  on which web-sites you go to or which studies you take the information from, the 5-year survival rate is anywhere from 1% to 10% and these are for people who had surgery done to get the tumor removed. In my case, the condition is inoperable and the surgeon and oncologist give about median survival of 22 months (in July), i.e. survival could be up to 5 years or more but all depends on the next seven cycles of chemotherapies. I leaned towards the scientific data due to my biotechnology background and work in the medical industry and had thus gauges survival initially base on scientific data. God of course worked on a totally different data-set.

Therefore, if I dwell on the “dark side” of the coin, I have anywhere from 9 months to maximum of about 5 years to live.

Anyway, the news was devastating for Josie and it was hard for her initially and my thought surprisingly was “who is going to change the light bulbs for her”. You may think it is funny but I am a very practical person and practically, how is Josie really going to cope without me especially since Nathan was only 14 months at that point. I trust and believe God will give me the time I asked for, no more, no less and on His grace and mercy I am depending on Him and God’s agenda in this case might be different from what medical sciences says.

About my chemotherapies, usually about 2 to 3 three hours after every chemotherapy session, I really do not feel well and the confession now (which Josie will get to read) is that in reality, I had put up a strong front, mustering as much strength as I could to lessen her worries. It does not mean that I am incapacitated, just that it takes some effort to remain strong for her and Nathan. For 3 to 4 days after chemotherapy, I am general weak and it really takes effort to get to a standing position from either sitting or lying down due to general weakness and low blood pressure.

There are challenges at home that I will not mention in detail as these are personal and to be kept within the house but I had to go through about 6 weeks of wrangling before certain things done and completed. In the process, there are all kinds of frustration the family had to go through. I get jumpy and occasionally, out of frustration and using politically correct terminology, I get into emotionally charged display of displeasure or I get into a display of discontent at the slightest disagreement.  Now! I have to add that in all of these displays, there is that one person who is so forgiving and enduring that more often than not, I feel ashamed. If you had followed my blog, you would know who the person I am talking about. Such love and patience…

Emotionally and mentally, the strength is not from me alone although I would say that as a very practical person, there is no use crying over what I cannot change but I looked to God for His grace and mercy to carry me through. Therefore, it is not that I am strong emotionally or mentally, but it is that I had released everything to God, "...to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, ²¹ to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21 (NASB)

I worry about work as I had expended all my medical and hospital leave allowance and not sure when I will have to be placed on no pay leave and that means no salary. My employer is good and very flexible with regards to my work but I worry none the less because there is just so much HR can bend before corporate policies have to take precedence.

The insurance monies had been paid out but it really isn’t much due to my late entry into the job market as a diploma holder at the age of 24 as a laboratory technologist with low average salary and hence the insufficiency in funds to purchase higher insurance coverage. Over the years, God had been good and I have a good career with decent salaries allowing me to purchased additional insurance coverage but it came at a much higher premium due to my age and pre-existing medical condition. God is good in that I have very low debt to service but anyway, the bottom-line is that I still need to manage my finances not for me but for Nathan.

When it came to insurance, there were a lot of missteps due in part to the agents and in part to the Insurance agency. Again, I will leave out the details but heed my words, look for a trustworthy insurance/financial advisor to go through your portfolio, make sure the new policies are documented and completed in a timely manner. Make sure you know what you are buying into and please do shop around.  I did not shop around, trusting an old friend when I brought policies from Company A for Nathan and ended up paying more for lesser coverage and one particular policy is actually “free” if I had brought my policies with Company B.

Now, I have make a disclaimer here, the fault is not completely on the part of the agent but in large part due to the agency’s procedure, policies and product availability.

You might ask why I am talking about insurance here and where is the “dark side” of all these?

When I brought the policies for Nathan, there were 2 exclusions for me as a payer due to my pre-existing medical conditions.  As I do not understand the 2nd exclusion since it was written in a complex legal terminology, I sought clarification from Company A but the company’s underwriter for some reason refuse to explain the legal clauses stating that those are standard exclusion clauses. Now, I did not disagree with the exclusion but only wanted to have a clearer understanding of the exclusion so that I can made an informed decision.  My mistake was buying the policy without buying the payer benefit component concurrently.  After 2 months of to and fro communication and wrangling, seeking clarification with Company A, finally, we got the policies signed but lo and behold, I was discovered with cancer and there is a 90 days lock-out period and I am not eligible to make a claim. If the clarifications had been concluded within 1 month, the 90 days lock-out period would have lapsed by the time my cancer was diagnosed and I could make a claim.

For Company B, the particular exclusion that I don’t understand is totally not present from the onset. Thus I say that Company B is so much better in terms of underwriting and premiums. Also it took only 5 days for the whole matter to be settled and policy signed (Really!!).

I have also been recalcitrant in terms of my diet because of my diabetes but my Oncologist and TCM doctor says to eat if I can but my blood sugar was very difficult to manage. I have to check my blood sugar and inject insulin before each meal, my fingers and tummy are full for holes from needles.

Poor Josie, she has to work and take care of Nathan after work, it really is tough on her but I suspect she is like me, putting up a strong front in order to be strong for me and the family. I still remember one of the TV advertisements on the family on by MCYS where the widow was giving a touching eulogy about her late husband and mentioned all the quirky things about the late husband but he was still her husband and she loved him despite the quirkiness. I thought about Josie and all the good things I can say and no, she does not farts the stinking fart like me but we do have our arguments and disagreements that you folks don’t get to see and this is the not so good side of the coin. Most time she gives in to me as husband and head of the house.

Husband, love your wife:

“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;” Ephesians 5:28 (NASB)

¹⁰An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. ¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. ¹²She does him good and not evil all the days of her life...” Proverbs 31:10-12 (NASB)

There is balance in life, there are good and there are bad but in all things:

“⁹He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him ¹⁰with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth. In Him ¹¹also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, ¹²to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory. ¹³In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, ¹⁴who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God’s own possession, to the praise of His glory.” Ephesians 1:9-14 (NASB)

How can we not trust in him then through the good times and the bad times?

As for me and my house, We Will Trust In Him.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #05 Comment #04

This week, if my platelet count is in the 90 and above range, I would be undergoing my 6^th cycle of chemotherapy. I don’t know if will surprise you to hear that I am looking forward to it.  I am looking forward to completing the 8^th cycle so that I can go for the follow-up CT scan to see the improvement in the condition.

From about last Saturday onward, I feel more like normal and have been going through regular routings but I have also been napping in the afternoon to give my body some rest. The only drawback during this period if you can it that is that I am eating a lot per meal when I am supposed to be eating less per meal but more frequently in order to control my blood sugar level.

A lot of people had mentioned that I looked “well” and “normal” and I think God for it because it is Him that is helping me. A lot of people also said that a lot of it also had to do with mental strength but I have a different opinion on that. Please read my next blog, my take on this will be in there.

Today, a fellow worship team member sent me a Youtube link to a song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP2IzErAQPs&feature=related

The title of the song is “I look to you”.  The song was originally sung by Whitney Houston (written by R Kelly) but the Youtube link was sung by another person.

As I lay me down

Heaven hear me now

I'm lost without a cause

After giving it my all

Winter storms have come

And darkened my sun

After all that I've been through

Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you

I look to you

After all my strength is gone

In you I can be strong

I look to you

I look to you

And when melodies are gone

In you I hear a song, I look to you

About to lose my breath

There's no more fighting left

Sinking to rise no more

Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken

Led to my regret

And I don't know if I'm gonna make it

Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you

I look to you

And when all my strength is gone

In you I can be strong

I look to you

I look to you

And when melodies are gone

In you I hear a song, I look to you

My levee's have broken, my walls have come

Crumbling down on me

The rain is falling, defeat is calling

I need you to set me free

Take me far away from the battle

I need you, shine on me

I look to you

I look to you

After all my strength has gone

In you I can be strong

I look to you

I look to you

And when melodies are gone

In you I hear a song, I look to you

I may not agree with some of the words in the entire song as it is not a true or complete reflection of the situation or mental state that I am in but the chorus does ring a bell:

I look to you

I look to you

After all my strength has gone

In you I can be strong

I look to you

I look to you

And when melodies are gone

In you I hear a song, I look to you

If I were to translate the chorus into a more “Christian” song, it would be:

I look to You, Lord

I look to You, Jesus

After all my strength has gone

In You I can be strong

I look to You, Father

I look to You, Spirit

And when melodies are gone

In You I hear a song, I look to You

I look to Him and In Him I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #05 Comment #03

Today, I’m more or less back to normal.  In other, not so tired and although it is 1-2 days later than usual for the recovery, it is a recovery none the less and thank God for it.

My only concern now is for the body to recover as fast as possible before the next cycle on this coming Wednesday.  This time around though, I have one less day to recover because the last cycle started on Thursday instead of Wednesday.  The Oncologist wanted actually to continue with starting on Thursday moving forward but it will be difficult to manage because I will then need to go back to TTSH on Saturday instead of Friday to have the pump removed and it is usually at about 1-2 pm and Clinic would be closed.  So I stuck to Wednesday.

There's tingling feelings in the fingers and tongue is numbed and some food taste metallic. The taste buds are also a little off and cannot taste sweet and salty as well as usual.  Spices (chilies and peppers) are somehow is different and is accentuated and food with spices taste “stronger” but I liked it though.

Although I am not physically active in the worship ministry, I am still helping on the back end with lyrics and chords sheets.  During the last communion that that was conducted for me before the Chemotherapy, the song “In Christ Alone” was sung and I had blogged about it.  This week, I was informed by the worship leader that this song will be used during communion and I was quite touch because she mentioned that she read my blog about it and was touched.

If I can repeat, verse 4 of the song is:

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the pow’r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.

No pow’r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the pow’r of Christ I'll stand!

The entire verse 4 is a summary of all that I had posted so far in my blog; of my dependency in God, that in Him is stand, trusting Him in every way.

Particular significance is the line “From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.” This line speaks exactly of my personal proclamation of God’s sovereignty, that Jesus commands my destiny and hence there is no fear, not even death.

He is my all in all and truly I say that In Him I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #05 Comment #02

Perhaps posted a little too early for the last comment (#01).

The last 3 days was very draining and I found myself sleeping through almost the whole afternoon.  I guess it is good that I am finally taking some rest but a little distressing that I need to take such long rest when in all the previous cycles, I did not really need so much physical rest.

Generally, I am still ok with very good appetite.  The nose bleed is slowly healing and so are the ulcers. Still a good few days and I was still able to move around, going to the farms/wholesalers to buy fresh veggies, eggs and fishes.

 

Did not post much this time round as not much inspiration coming my way, don’t worry, something will crop up.

God is good and In Him I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #05 Comment #01

I did not post yesterday as I took the opportunity to rest a bit. Josie helped by bringing Nathan out in the afternoon for a long outing.

For this particular cycle, I believe God has been very good to me. The side-effects were not as potent and I was generally feeling very good.  The nausea was almost non-existence but the sugar level as usual spiked due to the steroids I’m taking.  Consequent to the higher blood sugar level, I have been going to the toilet more often and thus dehydrated despite drinking lots of water.  This is part and parcel of the diabetic condition and because of the dehydration, the blood pressure is low.

Don’t worry though as these conditions are no big deals when managed properly.

Going to TTSH later to have the pump removed.

God is good and In Him I Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #04 Comment #05

For those how are following the blog, apology is there were no posting over the last 2 days. From morale standpoint, a little disappointed that the blog following is petering off with lesser people reading the blog but no worries, sufficient is the knowledge that those who are concerned are still following the blog and I thank God and these folks.

I was at TTSH today to have a CT scan done to determine the progress of the therapy. I have to say that beyond what we know, believed and prayed and accept by faith, the chemotherapy is in the word of the oncologist “palliative” but God and can do far better. The next appointment with the Oncologist is on Wednesday, 24 October.  The CT report will be made known then.  As usual, Josie was by my side.

Have been feeling well this few days and the only drawbacks are the ulcers in the mouth, lots of wing, and still slight lethargy.

Believed God is doing a marvelous job in my life as most people I met say that I look well despite the chemotherapy. Of course they don’t know feelings from the looks but I am still thankful that I can engage in most everyday normal activities.

For these, I thank God and in Him I Trust.