Radiotherapy: Update #01

I was at NUH today for my 1^st session of radiotherapy.

As the radiotherapy simulation/planning was done about 4 weeks ago before I got warded for the duodenum and bile duct obstruction, the Radiotherapy Centre’s folks did a dry run just to determine if the therapy could proceed. Sadly, as I had lost too much weight in the interim (7kg) which is more that 10% differential and I got 2 stents near the region of interest for the therapy, therefore, the previous planning is no longer accurate. I will have to go back to NUH tomorrow at 11:30am for another round of CT simulation/planning to be done and for the radiotherapy to be restarted on Thursday, 18^th April. I had expected as much that re-simulation and re-planning had to be done but I went today to NUH in the hope that the therapy could proceed anyway.

My Radio-Oncologist and the staff at the Radiotherapy were quite appreciative of the situation that I am in and that my therapy should not be delayed further. As such, the re-simulation slot tomorrow was a forced-in as well as the actual therapy on Thursday.  My Radio-Oncology would able be working “overdrive” to get the planning done in time for the therapy done on Thursday. I will provide further updates after the session tomorrow.

The pain is not too bad with the pain medication but I ask that you continue to pray for speedy recovery for the stomach as it is churning a lot and causing a lot of discomfort.

As a note of thanks to God, the situation described in the paragraphs above can be said to be extra-ordinary and out of the norm. While warded in TTSH and precisely because I was in TTSH, my Radio-oncologist’s team sent a doctor from NUH to TTSH to assess my condition before my discharge. While warded in TTSH, the bile duct stenting was done by the most experienced Radiologist that they have for the procedure. My duodenum stenting was done by the Director of the Endoscopy Center. The In-house Gastroenterology doctor who is taking care of me had experience in palliative and pain management and managed my pain pretty well when I was there and prescribed pain medication for my home use that is very handy now. God is good and despite me been a subsidised patient, I got great care.

In God We Trust

Hebrews 11:1

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #03

I went to TTSH for my blood test today and the result came out quite good.  The platelet count is 104 and so my 9^th chemotherapy can proceed on Monday. Ever since the 4^th cycle, this is the only the 2^nd time that the platelet count had gone above 100.  The last time was after the 5^th or 6^th cycles (can’t remember which) and that was only after 4 weeks break. This time, the break was only 3 weeks and added to it was the fact that I had just recovered from a bad flu.

I’ve learnt for practical purpose, it is good to have the blood test done at least one day in advance so that I know whether my chemotherapy can proceed on the next day. This way, I can have my therapy early in the morning and go home earlier. This is much better compared to the previous times where I go on the same day, do my blood test, wait for at least 1-2 hours for the result and if chemotherapy can proceed, to wait for the drugs, start the therapy a little later in the morning or early afternoon and end the therapy late in the afternoon.  

God is good and He upheld me and very grateful for the good news and good health considering my conditions.

In my last post, I had mentioned that Josie questioned “why, why I had cancer?” A bit of clarification about the statement because the question was not directed at God but was directed at herself as simply a “human” question. I guess at that point in our life, we were at a stage of our Christian walk that we did not question God on the “why”. We now seek his revelation as to the purpose and we continue to pray in that direction.

To Him we give thanks In Him we Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #09 Comment #02 / Communion

We went to church at about 6:50pm. Communion was at 7:00pm and we were joined by Josie’s eldest and 2^nd sisters.

The passage used for the communion was from 2 Chronicles 20. It is the story of Jehoshaphat and how he had triumph over the enemies of Judah when he placed his trust in the Lord. God had reassured the people of Judah and Jehoshaphat that He is with them and Jehoshaphat obeyed God and spoke to the people of Judah in 2 Chronicles 20:21 saying “Listen to me, O Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem, put your trust in the Lord your God and you will be established. Put your trust in His prophets and succeed.”(NASB) 

Jehoshaphat then proceeded to put “those who sang to the Lord and those who praised Him in holy attire” in front of the army and God granted to Judah victory over “the sons of Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir, who had come against Judah”.  In this passage, Jehoshaphat, by pacing the singer in front of the army was not only an act of faith, it is a declaration of faith and dependency on God.

The message is to trust in the Lord. For most of us, despite the reassurance from God, we tend to also make provision “just in case”. We may in times of need, hear from God and receive assurance from God or people who had received visions or word from God but somehow we act contrary to the promises of God but see the example of Jehoshaphat, see his act of faith and see how God honored that faith.

It is also interesting to note that the passage and message is in lined with what I had posted in my blog in the last few days, that all things have their purposes, how all things is from God, the victory over our enemies, how for me as a soundman is also a worshipper, is also a part of the worship team that stand in front of the army singing songs of praise to God.

We had communion and we ended the communion with a prayer for Josie as the care-giver. It was poignant as Josie had been so patient and strong through this period of supporting me while at the same time having to juggle the role of a wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law and staff in her company.

I had wanted her to write a blog entry but she was afraid to do so and also refuse to allow me to write the blog in proxy for her but I would still like to add the following on her behalf. When I was discovered as having Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer, Josie was in a state of shock and I knew that she was asking why, why I had cancer? She was totally heart broken when her mother passed away from cancer and she does not wish to lose her husband in similar way. We have in addition to our wedding vows always says to each other that we will grow old together and I intent to keep that promise by the grace of God.

God had granted me an extension with the regression of the cancer in the liver and stability of the pancreatic tumor.  The journey is not at an end in term of my life expectancy and also my battle for victory over the cancer. As in the case of Jehoshaphat, I will trust, I will put myself forward in front of the army and sing praises to God because he is with me and also as Josie had declared “just very thankful to GOD for His mercy and grace... lets believe His complete work in our lives and He loves us and never let go...”

In Him we Trust unconditionally.

Clinical Updates

I saw my Oncologist this morning for review as I had completed 8 cycles of chemotherapy.

Last week was a scare but kind of a false alarm but all is well now. Recovering from the flu but up till now there are still some residual symptoms like phlegm in the chest.

Here are the latest updates and the good news.

1.      The cancer that had spread to the liver had regressed and functionally the liver is back to normal.

2.      The primary tumor in the pancreas is still there but it had not grown in size and is termed “stable”. As the tumor is in the part of the body that has multiple tissues/organs and the fact the tumor had attached itself to various organs make it difficult to distinguish specifically. In other word, the mass could also comprise of dead tumor cells alongside the live ones.

My Oncologist is “happy” as I’m one the few that responded to therapy and he is prescribing another 4 cycles of chemotherapy (had completed 8 cycles). He is also holding off on Radiotherapy until the chemotherapy option is exhausted.

I looked back on this whole period since last August and can't help but wonder how I had made it through.  There are many people to thank, from family to friends, church, colleagues and associates, everyone that supported me mentally, spiritually and other ways such that words cannot fully described my gratitude well enough.

My journey is not at an end there is still a distance to cover before this race is completed. 2 passages that come to mind when I reflect on my current status:

Hebrews 12:1-2
¹ Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (NASB)

2 Timothy 4:7-8
⁷ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; ⁸ in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing. (NASB)

These are verses are usually used in funeral services and eulogy but here I want declare God’s faithfulness towards me and the Grace that he had shown for I know I will complete the race regardless what the outcome might be and every steps that I had taken and the steps that I will continue to take in this race, I take them knowing the strength is from the Lord.

Many of us would know the peom/story of the footprint (http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php) but I say this, He is the ground on which I stood, the air that I breathe, the warmth that surrounded me, the hand that held mine, He does more than carried me, He sustained me.

In Him We Trust.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #03

Waiting for Tuesday to come and if my platelet is up, I’ll have my 8^th Chemotherapy and it will be 4 weeks since my last therapy.

I suspect that the platelet level is not very high as from observing the “bleeding” time when I do my needle stick for glucose testing, it took a while before the bleeding stop. I hope that the platelet at least is at least above 90 x 10⁹/L. My red blood cell count is probably low as well from the “watery” consistency of my blood.

On the up side, controlling the blood sugar lever is getting easier now that I only have to inject insulin twice a day. Except during therapy period where I will need to supplement the insulin that I am taking now with more doses of short acting insulin to counter the sugar spike due to intake of steroid. Previously, I have to watch out for my blood sugar been too high but now I have to make sure it doesn’t get too low.  I received a scare twice recently when my blood glucose level went down to about 4.5mmol/L.

It is the time of the year when many folks are sick from Flu. There are some members from church and Josie who are down with Flu. I was told in church to be careful but even if I am careful in church, I still can’t totally avoid Josie at home. So far I am well and thank God for it but I will have to cautious too. I am thankful too that Josie despite been ill is still caring for Nathan and thus alleviating the need for me to “take over”.

Today, as part of Pastor’s sermon, he joked that we all wish each other “Happy New Year” when we cross into the new year but come 2^nd of January, there will be a lot of grumpy people because there will be one group that goes back to work and another group that goes back to school. It struck a chord with me because what does it really mean to be “Happy”? If you had read my entry “Thanksgiving for 2012 and Looking Forward to 2013”, you would know that there are many reasons for me to be happy about. Not everything is dark and gloomy as there are always many things that we can be thankful and happy about if we looked on the bright side of things.

I had helped with sound in church today as the worship leader is quite ill and have to do and see a doctor and her husband is the soundman.  Now, I could grumble that “why like that?” or “No one else can help?” but no, it is an opportunity to serve, to be of service and to help my fellow brother and sister who has a need and am very glad for it. I am not trying to gain credit for helping but for me, I am thankful that despite my cancer and treatment, I am at least well enough to be of service and help.

The New Year then is a happy year for God had seen me through 2012 and I know He will see me through 2013 and more.

A belated Happy New Year to all.

Happy New Year my Father and in You we trust.

Thanksgiving for 2012 and Looking Forward to 2013 (Updated on 2 Jan 2013)

I know it is already 2 days into the New Year but it is never too much or too late to continue to give thanks for the good things in life and for what the Lord had given.

On New Year’s Eve, Josie, Nathan and I attended Watch Night (Thanksgiving) Service. It is the time of the year where we give thanks to God for the good things that he had done and given. After meeting and gotten married to Josie, I had decided that every year, on Watch Night Service, I would give thanks to God no matter how minor of insignificant the thing might be. Last year, the obvious thanks were the arrival Nathan. Now that Nathan is close to 20 months old and starting to have a mind of his own, he can be quite a handful but whenever he is asleep and I looked at him and see how peaceful he looked, I cannot but continue to give thanks for the precious life that God had bestowed to me and Josie.

This year, the thanksgiving was also a kind of testimony as I spoke about my cancer, I had thought and had sort of prepared in my head what I would say but this time, as the testimony and thanksgiving are a lot longer than my usual thanksgiving, a lot of what I would like to say did not quite come out or came out differently. I hope therefore to use this blog to reproduce the thanks. A lot of what I would like to give thanks for was already posted in this blog in one entry or another but like I’d said, it’s never too much or too late to give thanks to God.

I had categorised my thanksgivings into 3 categories:

1)    For myself and despite my therapy and I had undergone 7 cycles of chemo therapy, I am generally well. The things to be thankful for:

·       According to my Oncologist, most of his patients would have lost their hair after 4 cycles of chemotherapy but for me, I had lost some hair but not all and recently, some hairs had re-grown!!

·       Since March this year, I had lost 10kgs but in the last 2 months, I had regained about 6kgs and the situation is such that the Consultant taking care of my Diabetes tells me to watch my diet so that I don’t go overboard and get obese as the body absorbed too much glucose (that will be converted to fat) from the insulin I am injecting.

·       Initially, I had to inject myself 4 times a day with short acting insulin and take 2 oral diabetes medications. About a month and a half  back, the Consultant had switch me a combination of short and long acting insulin and taken me off the oral medication but as I was not able to control the food intake and insulin very well, I still had to inject myself 4 times a day. I the last 1-2 weeks, somehow, the body seem to be “recovering and now I only had to inject myself twice a day.

·       I am also thankful that I could practically eat almost anything that I liked.

·       This is the one thing that is most important and I had missed it out and that’s to mention that the cancer had regressed in my liver and my liver panel readings are normal and overall, the signs are on the positive side.

2)    For the people around me.

·       My greatest thanks is for Josie who stood by me despite the difficulties and sometime “tahan-ing” my nonsense. She is my physical and emotional pillar.

·       For Nathan because God had put him in my life and the joy that Nathan brought.

·       For Josie’s family who were extremely supportive and who had been my providing my transportation needs during my therapies.

·       Associates of Josie’s family and Josie’s colleagues and their friends, Josie’s friends and friends from her former church for their prayer and encouragement.

·       Our god-families for their support too.

·       For the Cell Group (Eureka Extra) and people in church that stood by me, supported me, prayed for me and some also either bought or prepared items that are useful for my health.

·       My workplace for the work arrangement where I am relieved of most of the tedious responsibilities and well wishes from colleague.

·       There are many others that had also been helpful or had contributed in some ways towards my wellbeing either physically or mentally. One person I would like to mention is our lawyer who did our will. He prayed for us and helped us tremendously with the drafting of our will. I would gladly recommend him to anyone who may need his services.

3)    To God; Father, Son and Holy Spirit for the blessings that He had and continues to pour into our life, His sustenance, His provision, His guidance and so much more of everything that makes life so meaningful. Through this period, he had transformed my thinking, my mindset so much so that I can truly say that not only do I believe in Him but I trust Him fully. I’d mentioned and asked whether we really know the meaning of and believe in “hope”, “trust” and “fear” of Him? I’m not boosting but I say that I do. Cancer and facing the prospect of death do change one’s outlook and perspective about life and the hope and thus the trust and fear in God.

Josie and myself were talking a couple of hours ago and she mentioned that whether people know what they are asking for when they say that they want to have a closer walk with God, to trust him and to know him more?

Well… I added that from what I know, in the bible, all those who had a close or closer walk with God always undergo certain trials and pains in their life. Therefore, can those who ask for “a closer walk with God, to trust him and to know him more” understand what they are asking for? That it means that God will have to make or create that change and mold us so that we can be closer to Him. The questions are:

·         Are we willing to be molded by Him in order to be like Him?

·         Are we willing to accept the pain in the process of been molded to God’s image?

·         Can we accept the trials?

·         Can we accept that we will have to confess our sins and really make that 180 degree turn-around?

·         Can we accept that we have to make that lifestyle change to suit God’s ways rather than the world’s way?

I had asked for this and perhaps this is why my condition is God’s way of answering my prayer. I have no regrets though in having asked for a closer walk with God.

BUT!! Josie also reminded me that we should not stop asking, fearing the change or to face the pain or the trials but to continue to press on for in 2 Corinthians 12:9, it says:

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. (NASB)

Closing off my thanks giving, I mentioned that I will continue to pray, to ask for healing and that I want to see Nathan grow up, to see him graduate, to see him get married. I had initially asked to see Nathan reach 21 years old but too see him graduate and get married; it will mean that I have to ask for more than the 20 years.

Lastly, all these also mean a whole new level of trust and this is what I am looking forward to in 2013. When I am weak, He is strong and His grace is sufficient for me and from this day forward, it is not only I who trust but Josie and Nathan too and so I will sign my blog as:

In God We Trust.

Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #02 / New Year’s Eve

TTSH called and my therapy is postponed till next Tues, 8^th January 2013.

Today is also New Year’s Eve and the time of the year to reflect and look forward to a new year, a new beginning. What a year it has been for me and Josie but through it all, God had always been gracious, stood by us and carried us.

If I were to “leave” today, I would have no regrets as I have plan and settled most of things needed for Josie to take care of Nathan. I had made peace with whoever that I need to make peace with but the process had actually started last year. In a way, it showed me that God had started working in and on me even before I had cancer.

Having Josie by my side had also opened up many doors but along the way, there were some nagging too. For those who are already married, too bad, you have to live with the nagging. For those who are going to get married, understand that when your wife truly loves you, the nagging is just one of their ways of showing endearment and concern for you. Love them back in return as God had commanded and if it makes sense, change your ways so the wife will nag less and it is healthier for them too.

There are many things to thank God for and I have no regrets in believing and trusting Him. 2012 will go down in my life’s journey as a turning point and the most significant in terms of God’s presence in my life.

I thank Him and I trust Him.

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #01

It’s Christmas Day. We went for Christmas service this morning. The hall was packed with people as all the various services in Church came together for a combined service. I was very much encouraged by the people that came up to me after service top speak with me and provided words of encouragement.

Tomorrow, Vicar will be conducting communion for me and the family as preparation of my next chemotherapy scheduled on 31^st Dec, New Year Eve.

As the New Year approaches, there is much to be thankful for as listed in my previous blog “The melancholy of David Yue and his gratefulness”. I had just listed the items in broad general categories but in each of them, there are specific instances of the various things that people had done for me that showed-case their love, care and concern. These are precious moments to be remembered and cherished.

I looked back and know that every moment, every single days, hours, minutes and seconds in 2012 was granted to me by God and I forward to the New Year and know that I get to see 2013 because of His grace, mercy and sustenance.

In God I Trust.

The melancholy of David Yue and his gratefulness

Its Christmas eve… what a time of the year and every Christmas eve and New Year, I always get melancholic. This year, the melancholic feeling is somewhat mixed with other feelings.

What a year…!!

I wrote about sacrifice yesterday and one of the reasons for the melancholy is that I always think about Christ during Christmas Eve and New Year Eve. I cannot put a finger to the specific reason for the feeling but it is the fact that Christmas is not just about the birth of Christ but it is also the start of the redemption story that culminated in the crucifixion. I am not trying to be “Holy” about it because mixed with the knowledge of the birth and sacrifice of Christ¸ I always felt I had not live up to the “standard” that Christ had either taught or shown. I am reminded that my life is not perfect and that it will never be and that it is the grace and mercy of God that allowed me to continue on my Christian walk despite my failings.

This year though the melancholy is further exacerbated but my cancer. Don’t flame me when I say that I had never blamed God for my condition. You may not believe it but it is the truth. From the day I knew about my condition till now, it was a journey of reflection and discovery. Oh… How good God had been to me and how I had often been ungrateful when I analyse it deeply enough. I blog about the grace and mercy of God and I hope it will go some way into sending the message that God had and is always with me despite my failings and now I often grateful about it.

Why “often” and not “All the time” about been grateful? It is because there is still a long way for me to go in my journey of discovery about God and for me to fully allow Him to change me as there are still recesses in my life that has not been brought before Him.

It is also a time to reflect on the good things too. I may sound like a broken record but God had taught me to be grateful and I will continue to write about it even though I may have repeated these more than once.

I think about Josie and how she had stood by me ever since our marriage and more so now.

I think about Nathan and I think how God had been good to Josie and me for giving him to us.

I think about my cancer and chemotherapy and how God had sustained me.

I think about my mother and how despite her weak frame, is taking care of me as any loving mother would although there are time of tensions as some mother/son relationship are.

I think about the support and joy from Josie’s family.

I think about the extended family (friends that are very close to us so much so that I call them family) that supported me and upheld me.

I think about the friends around me that lend their encouragement and those that went the extra mile with their provisions and stuff they either prepared or brought for me.

I think about the people in church, the clergy, staff and fellow church member for their prayer, the clergy and pastoral staff that arrange for communion before every chemotherapy session.

My work place for their support as well.

I will probably say all these things again come New Year’s Eve or New Year day but indulge me this day, on the eve of the remembrance of Christ’s birth that it is never too much or too often to continue to give thanks and to acknowledge those who stood by me.

Today, not only do I trust Him but I also entrust my life and those around me to Him.

Have A Blessed Christmas.

Life’s Little Things

The last few days brought new meaning to life’s little things for me.

Josie recently celebrated her birthday and due to my chemotherapy, we could not really celebrate her birthday on the actual day itself but we managed to have lunch on Friday (21^st Dec) at a friend’s French restaurant who is also chef of the restaurant. Needless to say, we had a wonderful time and the food was excellent and I’m saying this not because the restaurant belongs to a friend but because the food is really good. The last 3 times I was there (twice I was just visiting to collect or pass some stuff), the restaurant was full and I mean not only was the restaurant simply fully booked, all the seats were occupied!! Anyway, at the end of lunch, I asked for the bill and was presented with an empty folder, i.e. the lunch was a treat from the owner/chef and her wife because it was also a gift for Josie’s birthday. Knowing my condition, I was given certain treat like instead of the regular starters on the menu, a special pasta (home-made) was served that is in my personal opinion one of the best pasta I ever had and the sauce was excellent. Given a chance, I could and would easily have had another 3 to 4 more portions of the pasta except that my blood sugar would hit the roof because of the carbohydrate in the pasta.

By the way, I had started a new blog (http://davidyuefavoritemakan.blogspot.sg/) listing my personal favorite makan places and hawker stalls. The blog is not meant to list “the best” but “my favorite”. There are very few entries in the blog for now. This French restaurant is listed there.

On Saturday night, 2 of Josie’s good friend had also invited us for dinner and we ate at an Italian restaurant at MBS. The restaurant was really nice in terms of the ambiance, food and services. Again, we had a good time with excellent food, company of friends and the exchange of gifts. Josie received a jacket that I have to say that it is really very nice jacket. I got a belt, a very good and expensive one. On the way home, I reminded Josie of what I had told her regarding one of the things that I would buy when I am well and it is a good and expensive belt. I don’t know if it is prophetic or just a coincident but this belt do tell me that God had used Josie’s friend’s to send a message to me, that He is watching over me and granted my desire in advance of my own planning.

The last 2 days were also difficult time for Josie in her office because of a current situation but in the midst of the situation, God had allowed these 2 events, the lunch on Friday and the dinner on Saturday to lift her spirit.

In my last blog “What I know and what I believe”, I wrote about the decision to remain in TTSH for my treatment. Guess what? On the next day after I wrote the blog, I received a called from a former colleague in TTSH asking me how I am and this person is also the Nurse Manager in charge of the Operating Theater. We spoke for a while and again, it could be God’s providence or it could just be a coincident but for me, it reinforces the sense that God is with me and guiding me along a certain path. By the way, this person don't read my blog and so did not call me because of what I had posted.

Why am I writing these “little” things, things that some folks would post on Facebook?

These little things showed me that God is with us, not just in the “big” things but also in the little things in our life and on reflection, there are many little things (some not so little or small) that I can talked about like:

·         The small pat on the back from folks who are concerned.

·         The little words of encouragement.

·         The extra opportunity to spend with Nathan

·         The firm support from family

·         The strong support from friends

·         The unseen support from bosses and colleagues

·         The providence in financial stability

·         The time available to blog

I looked back and on reflection, there were many instances where God really showed himself although on many occasions, the manifestation is so subtle that we do not notice it. God don’t intrude but He is always there, He will not barge in but will always enter when we open our hearts to him.

Relook and reflect on the past, recount the occasions where you think God might be there. I bet you will be surprise by the number of times God had manifested Himself but we never really took notice of it.

He is with me and He made His presence known to me. I don’t hear or see Him but He was always there if we choose to take notice of Him and so, In God I Trust.

In God We Trust / Gathering of Friends and Prayer

Last night, a gathering was organised by our God-family and a few friends to come together to have fellowship and also to pray for me and my treatment. Some were not able to make and we miss their presence. By coincident, I am halfway through my treatment cycles.

We had a good time sharing both food and chit chat.

Why am I sharing these?

Because more than once, I am told I am loved and this event showcases that love.

A leaflet was printed for the occasion and on the cover is printed my signature for my blog.

Just Musing

Not much really to report but some good news on the physical level as the nose bleed is healing well and there was no bleeding for the last 5 days.

My blood sugar level is a little difficult to control since my appetite is good such that there is the tendency to eat “normally”, in other words, meaning eating a lot. I will be seeing my Specialist that is taking care of my hypertension, high cholesterol and diabetes and see what can be done via medication to control the blood sugar level. Giving higher dose of insulin will help but too high a dose runs the risk of hypoglycemia.

By this Saturday, from the completion of the last chemo cycle till now would be 3 weeks. Hope things will be ok despite missing the chemo although the duty oncologist says it is ok. I am having a bit of on and off abdominal pain for the last 3 days now but hope it is due to the gas in the digestive tract.

Josie had recently forwarded a testimony from the late Dr. Richard Teo who died from cancer. In the testimony, he mentioned that he heard directly from God and that was before his conversion. I was a little upset because, Dr. Teo, despite all his denial of God, he managed to hear directly from God and I don’t! I am not angry or blaming God or anything like that, just that I am wondering why I could not hear directly from God. In any case, my trust in God is unconditional, I still have the bible.

Josie was unconditional in her love and support of me in my current situation. As I had blogged before, she had to work and after coming home, have to take care of Nathan. There were moments of tension and disagreement but we managed to go through it together and come out stronger.

Nathan is a joy to both Josie and me. We often say “how to get angry with this boy?” when he gives you that innocent smile or that cheeky look although he was naughty.  During the initial phase of my chemotherapy, I was wondering why God gave Nathan to Josie and me and yet allowed me to have cancer. Then, after a while, I realize that Nathan is as much a support for me during this period as much as Josie is.  Although “rare”, I occasionally will bring Nathan out for a walk in his stroller as he is too heavy now for me to carry him for and extended period. During the walk, he will mumble to himself and often point to things he knows and named the things/items like butterfly, sun, motorbike, M (outside Macdonald) and when he turn around and call out “Pa Pa”, it is as one advertisement had presented all so correctly, it is “Priceless”!!

There were encouraging words from lots of people, some close, some not so close, some that I have not met or spoken to for a long time, some that I do not know but are Josie’s friends, some from church, from cell group, from colleagues and bosses and from Josie’s family.  So far, the transportations were taken care of by Josie’s family and our god-family. I could not have gone through my chemotherapy without their support.  This is why I had blogged about the importance of family.

There were those that made beef and black chicken tonic for me, gave me insulin needles, got me alcohol swops, help me get discount at TTSH pharmacy, help buy Glucerna diabetic milk powder at a huge discount, colleague from Taiwan who got Chrysanthemum flower for tea and almond powder, our god-family’s sister for the communion packs so that Josie, me and Nathan can have “private” communion as a family, church and pastor for the communions before every chemotherapy cycle, Josie’s family (three of whom are pastors) for prayer chain and the occasional communions, the lawyer that did our wills and prayed for me. For those that had helped but are not listed here, it is not that the things done are not important, just that there is so many that I could not remember all of them.

During the first 4 cycles of chemotherapy, God has been good as my appetite was good and in fact, I had gained about 2kg since the start of my chemotherapy.  My Oncologist says that he has patients who had lost all their hair by the end of the 4^th cycles but my hair are still there although a lot thinner.  My liver is getting better and on further analysis, I realize that my stomach is not churning anymore for about 2 weeks now. This is so much different from when I was first diagnosed with gastritis in March. Praise God, aye!!

I know what I had written here rather than encouraging readers may actually have the opposite effects, since there are especially so many things that God has blessed me with but I would like say that God can do the same for you. Just trust and obey, lean on Him and He will carry you. I say this from personal experience. God can really do all things and give good gifts as a Father would to His children.

Not all things are rosy as I had blogged previously.

a)      Complete healing had not occurred miraculously, my is a process and I really do not know how long the process will take.

b)      As I had not heard directly from God, I do not know if I will see Nathan reached 21.

c)      Could not claim some insurance as my cancer was discovered during the lock-out period.

d)     Platelet count was low after the 5^th chemo cycle and had my 6^th chemo postponed 2 weeks in a row.

e)      Lots of tension at home, when I tried to clear unused or old stuffs.

f)       Could not eat what I want and like not because of the chemotherapy but because of my diabetes.

g)      Could not join the worship team’s retreat next weekend.

All in all, can I complain and can I sulk? No, No…

God is good, God is carrying me, God is looking after Josie and Nathan and God will blessed those who had is their big and small ways blessed me, Josie and Nathan.

He deserves our love and trust.

In Him I put all my trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #05 Comment #01

I did not post yesterday as I took the opportunity to rest a bit. Josie helped by bringing Nathan out in the afternoon for a long outing.

For this particular cycle, I believe God has been very good to me. The side-effects were not as potent and I was generally feeling very good.  The nausea was almost non-existence but the sugar level as usual spiked due to the steroids I’m taking.  Consequent to the higher blood sugar level, I have been going to the toilet more often and thus dehydrated despite drinking lots of water.  This is part and parcel of the diabetic condition and because of the dehydration, the blood pressure is low.

Don’t worry though as these conditions are no big deals when managed properly.

Going to TTSH later to have the pump removed.

God is good and In Him I Trust.

Doctor's Appointment on 24 Oct / CT and Lab Results

Saw the Oncologist today.

Originally, the cancer had spread to the liver. The CT scan last week showed that the cancer in the liver had regressed. This is backed up by the Liver Panel lab test that showed that my liver function is back to normal. Not totally out of the wood yet though and will see the outcome after another 4 cycles of chemotherapy.

The pancreatic tumor at the head of the pancreas is still there and is still the same size as before. It is a good sign though as the tumor had not increased in size which means that the chemotherapy is keeping it in check.

Other morphological report includes the following:

·       The hepatic portal vein is totally occluded but new blood vessels had grown around it from the intestine to the liver.

·       The remaining part of the pancreas (body and tail) is still enlarged but this is no change from before the start chemotherapy. Again at this stage no change is good news.

·       The spleen is enlarged but this is because part of the blood vessels supplying blood to the spleen is occluded but the Oncologist says it is of no concern at this point. I will verify it with my general medicine specialist and my surgeon in mid-November.

·       There is early indication of possible occlusion of the bile duct but physical observation and lab result does not support this conclusion.

All my other lab result is within the expected ranges with only the red blood cell and platelet count been below optimal level. The Oncologist is not concerned about the red blood cell count but is monitoring the platelet count closely.

Bottom-line... I am doing well.

Praise God for carrying me so far and I thank God too for Josie, the family, cell members, church members and colleagues for the support.

In God I Trust.

The happenings on Sunday, 7 Oct 2012

As I had said before, having cancer really does change a person’s perspective in life.

Went to church today and was greeted by a lot of people, people who knew about my circumstances and situation. Very thankful to God that he had placed so many people around me who are concerned and are praying.

When I reached church and was at the car park, met a lady from church who said that she has a word from the Lord for me and had wanted to tell me about it but wasn’t sure if I’ll be in church today. And… I was there! She said that she was impressed by the Lord to tell me to read the Gospels, not sure which one but the impression was to first read Gospel of John.

During worship, various songs were sung but the one that stood out for me was ‘Hosanna’ by Paul Baloche & Brenton Brown. The pre-chorus goes like this:

Pre-Chorus:

'Cause when we see You,

We find strength to face the day

In Your Presence all our fears are washed away,

Washed away.

© 2006 Integrity's Hosanna! Music and Thankyou Music

I had highlighted the portion that held significant for me as indeed the Lord gave me strength to face the day and in His presence all my fears are washed away.

I had mentioned it in one of my earlier blog that there was no fear of the chemotherapy for God had granted me the grace and strength to go through it.

I was passing by The Central at Clark Quay about a week ago and saw a Chilis restaurant there. We had a wonderful experience when the family went to the Chilis at Tanglin Mall a couple of weeks ago and so decided to try the Chilis at The Central. Felt well enough back then to have a family outing but the main purpose was to go to Market Place at Tanglin Mall to buy Flaxseed oil that I could not find in NTUC. Subsequently found out that it was also available at Cold Storage.

Went to The Central early so that we can reserve a table and then go shopping (eh… to entertain Josie and Nathan…). When we reached the restaurant, found out that they are officially opened only on 10 Oct. I was initially disappointed but bumped into this guy who apologises about the restaurant opening and I explained that I drove by and saw the restaurant and had purposely came to have a meal there with the family. Guess what? It so happened that this guy is the restaurant manager and he informed us that today was their trial day for the restaurant and guests were invited to try the food and comment about the restaurant and since we had purposely came to restaurant, we were then “invited” to the restaurant trial. What it means basically was that we had our dinner for free except for the alcoholic beverages that Josie and my mom ordered since we pia-seh that we ate for free. We had to give feedback though and I was quite honest with my feedback and the restaurant manager was quite appreciative of it.

The nose bleed finally stopped!!!

The not so good things about today was that there was a minor altercation at home about some arrangement in the kitchen, not going to say too much as there is a Chinese saying that says, “the ugly things of the house should not be spread outside the house” and I think this saying also have significant in Christian living for we must learn to tolerate and forgive one another within the house for from the Father, every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.

For as stated in Ephesians 3:14-19:

14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Since generally I feel well, I need to be reminded constantly of God's grace and mercy lest I stray away from Him. There is already that temptation.  Perhaps that's the reason for the reminder to read the Gospel. Of course the remaining verses from Ephesians 3:14-19 held such significant for me as this passage contained uplifting words and that it also formed the lasting word that I had for Nathan and I trust God to grant to me as well what is spoken of in verse 16 to 19.

And thus In God I Trust

By the way, Alonso (Ferrari) crashed out on Lap 1 of the Suzuka Japanese Gran Prix… so sad. But Massa came in second… it’s a consolation. I support Alonso, not Ferrari. I had stopped supporting Ferrari ever since Michael Schumacher drove for Ferrari and if you are wondering, yes, F1 is my favorite sport. All time favorite drivers (living ones) are Mika Häkkinen, Fernando Alonso and Kimi Räikkönen in that order. Had the opportunity to work for the Singapore F1 GP in 2009 as Gate Manager and all thanks to another lady in church.