Creatures from 2 Worlds

Did not really quite want to blog today but I was also quite bored and so I thought I entertain myself by blogging.

Recently, I had lunch with a sister from church as she wish to share about a dream that she had about a month ago about me and coincidentally, I had wanted to share with her some thoughts that I have about worship ministry.

Anyway, this blog is about the dream.

She told me that she had this dream where she and bunch of other people were at my place. Could not remember what she said about what they were doing at my place but that was not the main focus of the dream. In the dream, I had 2 pets. They looked kind of like lobster with legs like centipedes and one of them was larger than the other. While they were at my place, these 2 creatures/pets started to have a fight and both for some reason were able to escape from their enclosure. Me and the folks that were at my place started to run after the creatures and tried to look for them. They ran up and down the apartments trying to looks for the creatures, someone saw the smaller creatures had ran into someone else’s apartment and this sister managed to spot the larger creature and notify me about it. When I reach where she is, somehow there is a container in my hand and I was able to coax the larger creature into the container that does not have a lid. I told the sister to look after the larger creature while I go look for the smaller ones. She was a little apprehensive as the container does not have a lid and the creature while calm for a period started to stir a little and attempted to escape but that’s when this sister woke up.

I told this sister that I do know have the gift for interpretation but may have to certain degree “understanding”. So as I thought about it, the following was what I could derive.

I am a huge fan for “Alien” and “Predator” so much so that the image on my mobile phone’s home screen is an “Alien” instead of pictures of Josie or Nathan. I guess that could be where the “creature” is in the dream came from, a reflection of my interest. Anyway, the 2 creatures could represent 2 different and opposite of aspects of my life. What they represent specifically I do not know as they could mean a lot of things that is held in conflict within me. Anyway, the size of the creatures represents the degree of importance or “hold” the creature have in my life. Whether the larger one is “good” or are the “better” things are indeterminate as the reverse could also be true depending on what the specific representations are. The fact that the 2 creatures been initially calm and had started to fight indicates co-existence with the occasional conflict and thus the “escape” and thus the period of turmoil. The fact that I was able to coax the larger creature into the containing indicates control over the creature but sadly, this was not repeated for the smaller creature but the dream also ended prematurely. The fact that the smaller creature escaped into another person’s home could indicate “slyness” or the ability to hide.

Here is what I can understand of the dream. The 2 creatures represent conflicting ideas or sentiments within me but regardless, they both are intrinsically part of me as they both are my “pets”. The larger creature is “manageable” whereas the smaller creatures need to be found to be controlled. As I reflect further, the larger creatures could also represent the ideas, thought and feeling that I have that are “open” and largely also spoken of in all my blog entries.  The smaller creature requires further management but is not largely “spoken” about in my thoughts and reflecting and an example is my anger and how it can create conflict with the larger creature and it can hide and difficult to find to control.

As with my other blogs and personal thoughts, all things happened for a purpose including this dream by this sister and although it does not have an “earth-shattering” impact on first encounter and even after reflecting on it, I find that the purpose could be for me to share the following that for every single one of us, we are a sum of all the various emotions, experiences, teachings, beliefs, etc that we have and embraced. Be emotions, experiences, teachings, beliefs, etc “good” or “bad” is immaterial as the larger creature represents that which are easier to manage and handle and are “nurtured” better and thus the larger size. It does sometime “escape” and that is when we lose control and we need to find it and bring it under control and back into our life. As for the smaller creature in your life, it is harder to fine (i.e. determine) and thus you will need to seek for it a lot harder as it “hid” well.

Complex?

I think so too but I guess this dream is a reflection about me with regards to the complex, intertwining emotions, experiences, beliefs, etc in my life.  However, I had learnt to embrace them as they are all part me and thus are my “pets” but I need to control them and nurture them so that they can grow stronger and bigger.  In the Alien(s) movies, the Aliens are intelligent and they work together, sometime sacrificing one for the greater good of the colony. And so, for my pets, I have to make sure that they complement each other rather than fight each other, as in, let the sum be greater than the individual.

This I believe is also a confirmation on what I had posted earlier about everything having a purpose and how I would need to pray to God for revelation concerning His will as the “vagueness” of the dream represent.

Hope you will find this blog interesting.

In Him We Trust

Things that Happy People Do

This blog is probably the least original of all my blogs because I am going to direct you to this site:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pressure-proof/201210/10-things-happy-people-do-differently

I find the article intriguing because large part of what had been said can really be common sense and another large part of it comes down to what we know would make us happy. Translated into a Christian perspective, I guess there is much in this article that is spoken of in one way or another in the bible.

I am going to digress from this article and ask what would really make me happy and I can tell you that sometime it could be the smallest things in life that we often don’t take notice of.

One of the things that I know that make me really happy is when Nathan wakes up, the first person he calls is “papa” and not “mommy”. I guess it broils down to being jealous of Josie such that whenever it happened, I feel a certain amount of smugness.

What really is happiness then?

Each one of us have different “trigger” that would cause a feeling of happiness to occur in us and generally speaking, for most of us, it could be receiving praise from other people for a job well done.  Therefore, my next question is what would you do to make others happy?

The verses that come to mind are:

Luke 6:30-32
³⁰ Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. ³¹ Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. ³² If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. (NASB)

I guess for me, this is one aspect of happiness that most people neglect, making others happy.

In the article by Paula Davis-Laack, it does say “They know it’s good to do good” and added that “Acts of kindness help you feel good about yourself and others”. Nothing wrong with the statement and premise but I would personally add that “They know it’s good to do good that makes other people happy”.

From the verses in Luke 6:30-32, wouldn’t you want other people to make you happy? Then make others happy! Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. I must confess that often, I make other people angry and I guess in return, I get angry as well and this is one aspect of my life that I would like to change but honestly, I find it very difficult to change. I am not trying to excuse myself but I really do find it difficult and it shows in the way I drive. I complain that people that don’t wave thank you when you give way to them on the road but should that be the reason for not giving way to people.

I guess if I really want to make myself happy, I should really make sure that I want to make others happy based on what is said in Luke 6:30-32.

Sigh… I got a lot of work to do then… but He will show the way.

In Him We Trust.

Clinical Updates

I saw my Oncologist this morning for review as I had completed 8 cycles of chemotherapy.

Last week was a scare but kind of a false alarm but all is well now. Recovering from the flu but up till now there are still some residual symptoms like phlegm in the chest.

Here are the latest updates and the good news.

1.      The cancer that had spread to the liver had regressed and functionally the liver is back to normal.

2.      The primary tumor in the pancreas is still there but it had not grown in size and is termed “stable”. As the tumor is in the part of the body that has multiple tissues/organs and the fact the tumor had attached itself to various organs make it difficult to distinguish specifically. In other word, the mass could also comprise of dead tumor cells alongside the live ones.

My Oncologist is “happy” as I’m one the few that responded to therapy and he is prescribing another 4 cycles of chemotherapy (had completed 8 cycles). He is also holding off on Radiotherapy until the chemotherapy option is exhausted.

I looked back on this whole period since last August and can't help but wonder how I had made it through.  There are many people to thank, from family to friends, church, colleagues and associates, everyone that supported me mentally, spiritually and other ways such that words cannot fully described my gratitude well enough.

My journey is not at an end there is still a distance to cover before this race is completed. 2 passages that come to mind when I reflect on my current status:

Hebrews 12:1-2
¹ Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (NASB)

2 Timothy 4:7-8
⁷ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; ⁸ in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing. (NASB)

These are verses are usually used in funeral services and eulogy but here I want declare God’s faithfulness towards me and the Grace that he had shown for I know I will complete the race regardless what the outcome might be and every steps that I had taken and the steps that I will continue to take in this race, I take them knowing the strength is from the Lord.

Many of us would know the peom/story of the footprint (http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php) but I say this, He is the ground on which I stood, the air that I breathe, the warmth that surrounded me, the hand that held mine, He does more than carried me, He sustained me.

In Him We Trust.

From God

On Thursday, I had breakfast with Josie that for now will be known as “an undisclosed location” and ate an item that I should avoid at that particular moment (not cannot consume but should just avoid given a choice) and consumed an amount that is more than I should.

Breakfast with Josie alone is a rarity nowadays after Nathan came to realize that “Hey, if I cry, make noise, call “mommy” and hold unto her, I can get all I want…” What a blackmail!…

We started talking and it started out as just any other general conversation and I asked her about the situation in her office and the things that she need to do considering that she had to go back to the office to settle several very important matters despite having the flu. The conversation slowing evolved and I don’t quite remember how it evolved but I (not we) end up talking about God allowing things to happen and the gist of my point was that everything are “From God”.

There is the school of thoughts concerning the “permissible will of God” and the “sovereign will of God” and there are those that say that disasters and calamities are not from God. For myself, I questioned why I had cancer? Did it come from God or did God allowed it or it did not originate from God at all? Is it from the devil, is it because I had sin and is it because of the sins of my forefathers? I am not attempting to answer all these questions for it is beyond me to comprehend all these complex intertwining ideologies, theories, doctrines, dogma, believes and most importantly, the mind and will of God. So then, why am I posing all these questions?

I believe in the sovereign God, His sovereign will, His omnipotence, omniscient and omnipresence. How I got the cancer, whether willed or permitted does not matter to me and it is from this perspective that I say all things comes “From God”, even my cancer.

Now hear me out.

If you believe that God is sovereign and is omnipotence, omniscient and omnipresence, then all things happened because He had willed it. You might argue that “No, He permitted it but did not willed it” but then if he permitted it, does it not also implies that it is within His will and thus it is permitted. You might also argue that “No, the devil had done it and not God” but can the devil act without God knowing and if God knew and allowed or permitted it, does it not imply that it is within His will?

I used to believed in the “permissible” will of God but there is really no “permissible” will, there is only one will, the sovereign will and therefore, if God is One and Sovereign and I thus cannot fathom nor “bend” His will anymore than I am able to block out the rays of light from the sun from reaching earth.

Can a king be a king and be sovereign if things happened around him that he has no control over?  Therefore, can God be God and be sovereign if things happened without His consent or if we are able to bend His “Sovereign” will? I believe it is oxymoronic to think that we are able to bend the “Sovereign” will of God and make it “Permissible”.

I have cancer and I have it because God allowed it, permitted it, willed it and bah… as I said, it does not matter to me. What matter is that He knew and has a purpose for everything that happened and what His will is in my case I do not know but does not everything that happened, happened for a purpose? I pray and ask that His name be glorified. If I am healed, His Name be glorified. If through my blog, you develop an undoubting faith in God, His Name be glorified. If you think my blog is junk, His Name be glorified. If I should perish, I perish knowing that He had given me an extra measure of time on this earth for without treatment (Chemotherapy), I should be dead or dying by now and so His Name be glorified.

I may or will offend certain people by saying that I still will not profess healing but that I will continue to profess God’s sovereignty because if He had allowed the cancer to happened in my life, He then has a plan for it be it healing or otherwise as we all prayed “Our Father in heaven… Your will be done, on earth as in heaven…” There is no “permissible” in this prayer, there is only “sovereign”.

Why do we wish to subjugate God’s will to ours? We should subjugate our will to His and thus pray for the revelation of His will and to understand His will and thus pray according to His will. For me, I can only continue to pray for revelation because I still do not know His will with regards to my cancer but I know He will let me know when the time and circumstances is right or ripe.

In Him We Trust.

Rewards in Heaven

In my previous blog, I spoke about the sacrifices that Josie had made in the last couple of days and about her rewards in heaven and this comes down to the purpose of this particular blog entry: Rewards in heaven.

There are generally 2 schools of thoughts, “degree of rewards” and “rewards of inheritance”.  I am not going into all the theological argument or justification to show which school or which teaching I subscribed to or to persuade you to believe in a certain doctrine. However, it is hard to write this blog without “straying” a little and hope against odds that I don’t offend anyone who believed in either one of these teachings.

You can choose to believe what you believe, know what you know, check with your pastors, read up books or search the internet on articles and studies pertaining to rewards. My purpose is to challenge and lay down what I believe and when it comes to “rewards in heaven” and my premise is that I seek none and expect none and I will not work simply because I want a reward in heaven. I may sound very high standing and pompous but truth be told, as a man, I do desire rewards, I do desire that praise from men, financial rewards and acknowledgement for a job well done.  Who don’t even if it is simply for self satisfaction? But with regards to rewards in heaven, my focus will come down to what we do for God and what we seek in return.

This is where the example of Josie comes into the picture.

Initially I was going to talk about all the rewards that Josie will get when she gets to heaven but then I thought about it over and over again and realized that Josie did what she did in the last couple of days not because she was expecting a reward from me or Nathan. She did what she did out of love for me and for Nathan and there was no expectation of rewards or compensation for the works done.

I would like to stress one very important point again.  Josie did not expect any rewards from me or Nathan (except maybe a break just to rest her body when we got through this period).

It is on this same example that I say that I do not seek, expect nor will I work simply because I want a reward in heaven. It is sufficient enough in the knowledge that I do what I need to do because God is pleased with it and I do it out of love for him. Am I perfect in what I do? No. Am I perfect in who I am? No. Therefore, if I am not perfect in who I am or what I do, what grounds do I have to seek and justify for my rewards. The ultimate reward had already been given in Salvation, the gift that God has given as an act of Grace through faith in Him.

The question I had asked myself before I started with this blog entry was why did I sought for rewards if I keep telling myself that I do whatever I do for God out of love and trust in Him and bam… it was like a lightning bolt striking my head and I spent the entire morning (except for the one hour when I had a walk with Nathan) thinking and trolling the internet for articles about it.  This is how I got to know about the 2 schools of thoughts on “rewards in heaven”. I thought further and realized that it was my premise all along but it had probably been pushed to the back of the mind or it had became a non-issue as far as I am concerned and thus was never really bothered by it.

Here, I will go slightly into the realm of political incorrectness by asking the following questions:

If you tithe because you loved God, is it important to you and expectant of God to return to you what you had tithes and in many folds?

If you served God in whatever capacity within the church environment because you loved God, Is it important to you and expectant from God His blessings as a direct result of your works?

If you obey the “laws” because you loved God, is it important for you to expect rewards for your obedience?

There are many more questions of similar nature that I could ask but the last question I have is whether loving God and obeying Him is more important than seeking His rewards and storing up treasures in heaven?

If you loved God and obey Him, will you not do whatever that pleases Him regardless of rewards?

If God do not reward me for my “works” so be it because He is sovereign and His will is what I seek. If God choose to reward me for my “works”, I thank Him for His bounty that he bestowed on me. Sufficient for me is the knowledge that He loved me and died for me and gave me eternal life.

There is no further reward I seek from Him for he had already given me the best reward there is, His Son.

He came, He died and He rose again and In Him We Trust.


As a footnote, I will reward Josie for her sacrifices.

As a 2^nd footnote, if you are curious as to which school of thoughts I subscribed to, not in its entirety but the majority of it, read the article in this link (all 26 pages of it): http://www.mountainretreatorg.net/bible/rewards.html

Flu and Fever (Recap)

Probably should not have said the last post will be the last one for “Flu and Fever” heading but this is definitely the last.

Although I went to TTSH on Saturday night, 12^th January, the story starts on Saturday, 5^th January.

On 5^th January, Josie and I wanted to head out to do some shopping and also to keep Nathan occupied but Josie wasn’t feeling too well and when Nathan started his afternoon nap, Josie, feeling a little tired slept as well.  I was quite free and decided to head over to church and hand around the worship folks who were having their music practice.

2 of the worship team member had the flu and I was advised to stay away from them.  Me been me and sometime been stubborn said that if I’m going to catch the flu I would have regardless because Josie is also having the flu and resting at home and how to avoid it at home.

Nathan and I were quite alright for the remaining of the week as Josie progressively show more and more of the flu symptoms and I continued to be alright until 12^th January when I started sensing the beginning of a flu coming. As a precaution, I called the Chemotherapy clinic to ask what I should do if I have the flu and was advised to see a GP and only head to TTSH if I develop fever. Then it hit in the afternoon about 3-4pm with low grade fever (< 38^oC). By late evening, the temperature hit 38^oC and after dinner, it was 38.5^oC and decided there and then to head over to TTSH’s Accident and Emergency.

At TTSH, the fever was around 38^oC and I was placed in the “fever” zone (a consequent of the 2003 SARS) and waited to see the doctor. The doctor saw me (that was about 9pm) and I explained to him about my condition, my chemo, etc and took a blood sample for analysis.  The result came back will elevated white blood cell count that is normally from 3.6 to 9.3 x10⁹/L. Mine reading was 28, I think?

Anyway, not knowing or conversant with the effect of GCSF for Chemotherapy patient, the doctor thought that I might actually may have bacterial infection in the blood (Sepsis) and took some blood for culture. While, the rest are in my blogs as I got warded and waiting until about 2am before I got a bed. Josie’s sisters are a wonderful bunch, they came to TTSH around 10pm and was with her until she left for home in the wee hours in the morning.

In the ward, the MO came, check on me, the Registrar came and also check on me and just to be on the cautious, took another blood sample from a “clean” site for blood culture and after that, I slept for the night.

In morning (Sunday), before the Consultant on roster came, the on-call housemen (a pretty lady with an Ang-Mo accent) came and talk to me and took notes and I suspect it is part of her duty. Poor lady, she was on call the entire night and now had to wait for the Consultant to come by before she can knock off and the Consultant did not arrive until about 11am as he had other wards to cover as well. Oh, before that, there was another doctor from the department who made a preliminary assessment before the arrival of the Consultant.
Nothing much happened after that, suspect that the fever is due to flu and high white blood count due to the GCSF but in their position, I would also be cautious and wait for review from my Oncologist. In the meanwhile, they loaded me with antibiotics as I definitely had chest infection and also just in case there is sepsis.

Not much to report except until the next afternoon (Monday) when my Oncologist came and reviewed my notes. He told me what the General Medicine team had done is correct for my condition but also mentioned that with GCSF, the white blood count could sometime go as high as 60. Hmmm… I guess good thing it wasn’t that high because I suspect there will be a big ruckus if it was.  The timing was also kind of coincidental and providential as my Oncologist just came back from his leave on Monday. My Oncologist kept me on antibiotics as he also had to wait for the blood culture result to be certain that I do not have septicemia.

As I was supposed to have a schedule CT scan done on the 17^th but since I am warded, he pushed forward my CT scan till Tuesday so that he can also make an assessment of my conditions.

Monday night and Tuesday morning were bad as far a sleep is concerned because there was an elderly man on my right that wasn’t too “clear” minded and made a lot of ruckus whenever the nurses comes and try to either get him to take his medication or change his diapers and beddings.  He was also a little aggressive towards the nurses and thus had to be tied down. On Tuesday morning (4am) there was also another old lady (warded on Monday afternoon) who for some reason refuses to sleep and was from what I overhear, disorientated and not know where she is and her family was not there!! This lady may be old but you cannot tell from her voice and the struggle the nurses had with her. Had only 2 hours of sleep and not a comfortable one because of the phlegm in my throat/chest.

Tuesday… The General Medicine folks came around and saw the notes from my Oncologist and the proceeded according to my Oncologist’s recommendation. I got my CT pushed forwarded to 11:30am that morning and hopefully, by the time the report is out and together with the blood culture results could decide on what to do next.

This is the one part of my stay that I was not very happy with.  My CT was supposed to be at 11:30am and as this is an abdominal scan, I had to fast for 3 hours before the scan to make sure my stomach is empty and so my last meal was at 8:30am. I know from past experience, there usually will be some delay in the schedule timing of the scan. By 12pm, no one from Diagnostic Imaging (X-Ray) Department came and fetch me for my scan and was told that someone would come within ½ hours. I am concerned because of my diabetic conditions, I cannot fast for too long and need to have some intake of food or else my blood sugar level goes too low that in turn will mean delay in getting the scan done. By 1:15pm, with no sign of people from Diagnostic Imaging, the nurse had to call them to tell them of the seriousness of the situation. Was told to wait another ½ hour but the porter actually came about 15 minutes later. By now, I had fasted for 5½ hours on a small breakfast. At Diagnostic Imaging Department, I was made to wait further as 3-4 (I could not remember) other outpatients got scanned before me. Complained to the nurse that I am diabetic and had fasted for 5+ hours already and was told “oh… we have patient who are diabetic also…” and I retorted that I had fasted for almost 6 hours and what happened if I crash from Hypoglycemia? Anyway, got my scan done after one more patient and on the way back, almost had to wait for another ½ hour before I can be sent back to the ward as there were “insufficient” porters. Made some noise and threaten to go back to the ward on my own and they “hijacked” a porter with an assigned job to send me back to the ward first. Lunch cannot be eaten because it is more the 2 hours old and a “fresh” meal had to be brought up from the kitchen. By the time I sat down for my lunch, it was 3pm.

I thought I had to stay for another night because I do not know if my report will be out in time for review by my Oncologist. It so happened that my Oncologist was at the ward and I spoke to him and he must have expedited something because by about 4:15pm, he got the preliminary CT scan report and told me that the cancer in the liver is gone and the pancreatic tumor is “stable” and he possible might plan for radiotherapy and I could be discharged.

My next appointment with my Oncologist is on Monday, 21^st January. By then the finalised CT-scan report would be available and planning for next course of therapy could be done.  I only pray that the therapy is not classified under “palliative”.

Got home by around 6pm and I was so tired and sleepy. The rest is as they say “history”.

I may have worked in the healthcare industry and may have some knowledge and understanding of the nurses’ work condition within the hospital but not until I was there for 3 nights did I realize that there are a lot more to what they do like changing the diaper and linen for the man beside me for 11 times within one day and the smell, oh my, the smell, having to restrain an old lady and make sure that patient who need to go to the toilet do not fall down, staying with frail patients as they shower, make sure we get our medication on time, etc, etc. It is an understatement to call them “angels”, they are more than that, they are angels, superman/women, nanny, sister, brother, temporary family member, butler and maid all rolled into one for that moment that a patient is in hospital. I pray that God will bless them richly.

In God we Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #08 (Final)

This will be the final post under the heading of 'Flu and Fever'.

By the time I got home last evening, it was about 6pm and I was so tired and sleepy. Broke my heart when I heard Nathan cried because it is the kind of cry/sound made by a sick child, so weak and pleading and yet so little I can do. Slept immediately after dinner at about 8pm. Woke up a few times in-between but generally had a very good rest. Nothing beats own bed and home.

I will post a recap but for now, the main thing is to rest and let the flu run its course. I still got infection in the chest and on antibiotic for one week.

My corporate phone died and needed to be sent for repair and I am supposed to rest... Sigh... Anyway, done that and found out that it was the battery that died and apparently it is quite common.

On the bright side, as mentioned in the last post, the preliminary indication/report from the CT scan is that the cancer in the liver that had spread from the pancreas is gone. As for the pancreatic tumor, it is still there and of the same size and I will know the next course of action on coming Monday.

You know the person that had the toughest time during this period is who?...  Josie. She has to juggle work, taking care of sick Nathan and worry about me and doing things for me and she is also sick. For her, I can't sweep it away and say that she will get her reward in heaven (a topic for another time).  However, I know God is good to us and will watch and take care of us and I ask for more of it for Josie. She is such a treasure.

He is good all the time and In Him We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #07

Results came in clean. Going through discharge procedure now and I'll be on the way home. I’m still having respiratory infection because of the flu and need to be on oral antibiotic for one week.

Had my CT done as well and preliminary report shows that cancer in liver is gone but it can only confirmed when the finalised report is out and I'll get to know when I see my Oncologist on Monday, 21^st January. Pancreatic tumor is 'stable' and my Oncologist will decide then what treatment to take. He says may go for radiotherapy.

Praise God and In Him We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #06

This flu bug is a tough one. Thought I should be cleared or on the way to been cleared by now as far as the chest is concerned and considering that I am receiving IV antibiotic but the phlegm keep coming back and I got so much of it that I could not sleep well lying down. Had to 'force' cough the phlegm out and sit upright on the bed to feel comfortable. Trying to sleep but having a neighbour that need to have his diaper changed every 2  hours or so and another commotion caused by an old lady at 4am plus my chest means I hardly slept for 2 hours since midnight.

If the blood culture result comes out clean, I just pray that the chest infection/flu would recover quickly.

Tired and sleepy but In God We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #05

My Oncologist came and saw me today. The timing was quite good as he also just came back from leave today.

He said that my blood test results with the elevated white cell count are expected as part of chemotherapy and injection of GCSF for boosting white cell production. He also did say that coming back to TTSH as I was having fever/flu is also good as it is also wise to exclude any major infection. If my blood culture results come back negative for bacterial infection, he will just prescribed oral antibiotic and send me home. The question is whether blood culture result will be out by tomorrow.

By all other indications I should be alright and since I am warded, arrangement will be made for my follow-up CT scan to be done tomorrow rather than wait until Thursday as he hopes I can be discharged tomorrow.

Pray for culture result to be clean and I'll be able to go home tomorrow.

Praise God and In Him We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #04

The fever is gone. Chest infection is still there but minor now and recovering. The phlegm is slowing turning whitish which means bacterial in control. Still have to wait for blood culture to be clear of infection before I can say everything is all clear.

Generally feeling well and will try to talk to my own doctors tomorrow. 

For those who had pray, Josie and I thank you and pray God's blessing on you.

In God We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #03

Things are looking up. Doctors are switching from IV antibiotic to IV and oral antibiotic. Main concern now is the platelet and not the white count. There'll be continuous blood test to be done and poor me, going to 'lose' some more precious blood.

Will call my Oncology clinic on Monday and see if my Oncologist needs to see me. Currently placed under General Medicine discipline and since I'm already under General Medicine care for my diabetes, follow up should be relatively straight forward and my next appointment is on 29th.

My next Oncologist appointment was supposed to be on 22^nd. So now I’ll see what arrangement I can make on Monday. Doctors say I look well and may not have any major complication but still need to monitor closely.

Nathan is also sick and Josie brought him to KKH to see doctor for the cough and cold. Sigh... the whole family is sick.

All will be well in Jesus' name and In Him We Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #02

Warded in TTSH for observation and monitoring. Definite infection in the chest and have to wait for blood culture result to see if anything more serious which means staying in hospital for next 3-4 days. I will be on IV antibiotic for now.

Seen the Registrar and was told by him because of my chemo, I had injected growth factor to boost white count on Fri which could also explain the high white count in addition to the flu/infection.

In God we Trust.

Flu and Fever Update #01

White cell count had skyrocketed. Suspect septicemia and have to be warded in TTSH for observation. Need to do a whole host of tests, blood chemistry, blood culture, chest x-ray and be given antibiotic.

I believe and trust in Him. All will be well

Flu and Fever

For the 1st time I fell sick while on Chemo. I’m at TTSH now because I am down with flu and fever. Saw the doctor at A&E, got a blood test done to check white cell count and waiting for result. Hope the count is not too low particularly since I just had Chemo and my white count will be suppressed.

Sort throat started yesterday but fever only started this afternoon. Not too high, about 38^oC and after dinner, it was about 38.5^oC but that's probably because of the hot food. The body is aching from the booster jab and the flu and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable. A bit of yellowish phlegm and 1 may need antibiotic.

I am praying for God's protection and coverage.

In Him We Trust.

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #02

Had the pump removed today and it was a relatively uneventful event.

Generally feeling well today but I got heaps of hiccups.  Blood glucose level did not spike too much as the doctor had reduced the oral anti-nausea medication and one of them is a steroid that causes the spike. My stomach is growling a fair bit but trying to control intake of food so that the blood sugar do not spike too much and to slow down or halt the weight gain.

Just read an article on BBC news that says that taking anti-oxidant supplements like Vitamin A, C or E while undergoing chemotherapy may actually prevent the chemotherapy drug from doing its job.  When a person is healthy, taking anti-oxidant supplements is useful in neutralizing free-radicals in our body. Some chemotherapy drugs are free-radical based and so taking anti-oxidant supplements will neutralize the chemotherapy drugs and prevent the drugs from doing its job. Kind of logical but there is no concrete data on it yet.

Anyway, God has been good. The one extra week of rest I think did good and allowed me to tolerate the chemotherapy’s side effects better.

In God We Trust

Post-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #01

I woke up this morning feeling “great”, no nausea, no uncomfortable feeling but then after breakfast the nausea slowing crept in. As the Doctor had reduced my nausea medication since I was able to tolerate the nausea, the blood sugar spike was easier to manage but started having hiccup again.

Beyond these, things are generally ok today. Appetite is still good although I am controlling the quantity food intake in line with Doctor’s advice.

Josie is slowly recovering from her flu and cough. I am so glad that myself and Nathan did not catch the flu. It would have been a very difficult situation if I were to catch the flu.

Tomorrow, I’ll be heading back to TTSH to remove the pump.

In God We Trust

Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #01

Finally, I got to proceed with the 8^th Chemotherapy. Platelet level is at 95 but happy to report that all the other test results are in the “normal” range include my red cell count and haemoglobin level that were is the past just below the normal readings.

There was a little hiccup with the lab results and the chemo started late.

The stomach is very queasy, more so than the past and not feeling too good in the intestine and bowels too. Blood glucose already spiked.

See how things are tomorrow.

In God We Trust

The Melancholy of David Yue and his weaknesses and fears

I got hit with another bout of melancholy again this morning. Not too sure why and started to think about and the following might be the reasons (not in any order of importance)

1)    I asked Josie if she would write an entry for my blog but she was pensive and refused. I told her I could help her with the editing but again she refused from lack of confidence in writing. So I told her I would write in proxy for her but I would let her read it before posting. This is not what is causing the melancholy but the fact that I will have to put myself in her shoe and write on her behalf. I would have to think of the things that make her happy and also the things that made her sad and of the sad things, the fact that her husband has cancer and her mother died from cancer, 2 of the closest persons in her life. Also, my “牵我的手 主耶稣” post had garnered the 2^nd highest numbers of pageview and in this post, I had mentioned about Josie’ mother.

2)    Had gone to SKS last Friday to buy some bible study materials for the cell group and when I was about to leave it started to rain heavily and so I was stuck in the shop. While waiting, started browsing and looking and finally bought some books and CDs. Joked with the staff at SKS that it was a good thing that it rained because it made me spent more money. Of course the cashier laughed about it. Of the few books I bought, one was the classic “Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence, a Carmelite monk. I already had a copy of the book but not too sure where it is. Probably had loan it out but forgot who I had loan it to. Anyway, status of the book had changed from “loan” to “gift” for the person who has it. I asked Josie to read the book but she was very tired from having the flu and so I had read it to her, of the 2 “conversations” that was read, it is filled with thoughts and ideas not too far from mine and is perhaps the reason why I am drawn to this book. There are several thoughts that were quite pertinent to me but I’ll just quote one.

“That we ought to give ourselves entirely to God, whether in temporal or spiritual concerns, and find our happiness in doing His will, whether He lead us by way of suffering or by the way of delight, for they are all the same to one truly resigned to Him”.

Profound? Josie though so and for me, it was in line of my trust in Him and yielding to His sovereignty and so saying realize that I am still a long way from achieving that goal of COMPLETE yielded-ness to Christ.

3)    Related to the 2^nd point above, there were 4 CDs that I bought. One was an instrumental and the other 3 are:

a)      Cornerstone, Hillsong Live

b)      The Narrow Road, Jared Anderson

c)      The Royalthy, The Royal Royal

I was never a big a fan of Hillsong except for the songs by Geoff Bullock and Darlene’s early songs but I took an exception to “Cornerstone” once I heard it. There is a “directness” to the songs that points and directs me to God and His God-hood.

For The Narrow Road, the songs or the lyrics rather were “simple” as in it is not complicated but is a very clear declaration of God, His salvation deeds for us, His greatness, grace and mercy.

The Royal Royal was a bit of fun buy as their music has a certain 70s and indie feels but there are a couple songs of that speaks volumes about God.

Again, why the “melancholy”? Because the words in some of the songs reminds and brings me back to the root, the root that is Christ Jesus, who died for us on the cross, the stripes, the piercings, the spilled blood, they all happened for our salvation and that I know He is with me through this period of testing, yielding and depending to Him but yet I have also not reach nor achieve that COMPLETE yielded-ness to Christ.

4)    Josie and I had a little bit of tiff concerning a certain person’s posts on Facebook. I was commenting like “what is person trying to say, what is he/she trying to accomplish by quoting someone else or by quoting some short verses?” Josie was not too happy and says that I am saying these things because I am negative towards the person. I have to admit that I am somewhat critical but I am more critical of quotes made without context and without direction to the reader. For the person, it may perfectly make sense as he or she may be going through circumstances where the quote or the bible verse means something but it could also be easily be taken out of context.  No doubt the person is well respected but I always am weary of people who take what these well respected peoples’ words at face value without understanding the context (if there is one) or what is the message trying to be in relation to the teachings in the bible. Therefore, other than providing a quote, a short insight or sharing would suffice in bringing the quotes into context and letting the reader know the direction the author is trying to take.

Anyway, won’t say too much more as I’m trying to stay away from “politics” but why is this causing me “grieve”? The fact that Josie immediately say I am “negative” when I shared with her but my tone did not help the situation. Sometime disagreement is healthy but disagreement over an immediate perception without further thoughts or insight does not bode well for further open discussion and I hope not for all situations.

5)    In my recent post “Trusting God and Letting Go”, I find myself still waiting for a reply that I said I am not expecting. It is really hard and I chide myself for not been able to let go and let God.  It was easy to say it and to send the mail saying I am not expecting a reply but the reality of it is totally different. It is perhaps God’s way of teaching me by withholding what I desired although I said I am letting go. It is really tough and perhaps one of the biggest challenges for me at this point.

6)    Josie is currently reading a book by a cancer survivor. The book is written in much the same way like this blog. I sort of told Josie that if I survive this cancer, to publish a book and if God don’t grant me my desire, to publish the book too. Kind of like make Josie go quiet in the car for a substantial moment. I think I don’t need to say why or too much on this point.

7)    Lastly, the delay in my Chemotherapy. It has been 4 weeks since my last cycle and I hope there will be no further postponement as I fear the tumor may “grow” again since it is such a long break in-betweens cycles. I may trust but I also fear that my body (on the inside) is getting weaker. The tips of my toes and fingers are numbed and tingles, my teeth and tongue are numbed too despite the 4 weeks break and if you have been following the blog, I worry about my platelet level.

Can I say that in Him I trust? The answer is yes! And yes, this is despite some of the issues I am facing now but the trust is also fundamental to allowing God to make the changes even if it might be painful.

I am implicit in my trust in Him but as Jesus had also mentioned about His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane, “the fresh is weak”. I may look well now and seem like a “normal” person but I fear about my “fresh”, whether I would be able to carry on much further physically once I hit the 10^th or 11^th cycles of my chemotherapy.

But still, In God We Trust!!

Pre-Chemotherapy Cycle #08 Comment #03

Waiting for Tuesday to come and if my platelet is up, I’ll have my 8^th Chemotherapy and it will be 4 weeks since my last therapy.

I suspect that the platelet level is not very high as from observing the “bleeding” time when I do my needle stick for glucose testing, it took a while before the bleeding stop. I hope that the platelet at least is at least above 90 x 10⁹/L. My red blood cell count is probably low as well from the “watery” consistency of my blood.

On the up side, controlling the blood sugar lever is getting easier now that I only have to inject insulin twice a day. Except during therapy period where I will need to supplement the insulin that I am taking now with more doses of short acting insulin to counter the sugar spike due to intake of steroid. Previously, I have to watch out for my blood sugar been too high but now I have to make sure it doesn’t get too low.  I received a scare twice recently when my blood glucose level went down to about 4.5mmol/L.

It is the time of the year when many folks are sick from Flu. There are some members from church and Josie who are down with Flu. I was told in church to be careful but even if I am careful in church, I still can’t totally avoid Josie at home. So far I am well and thank God for it but I will have to cautious too. I am thankful too that Josie despite been ill is still caring for Nathan and thus alleviating the need for me to “take over”.

Today, as part of Pastor’s sermon, he joked that we all wish each other “Happy New Year” when we cross into the new year but come 2^nd of January, there will be a lot of grumpy people because there will be one group that goes back to work and another group that goes back to school. It struck a chord with me because what does it really mean to be “Happy”? If you had read my entry “Thanksgiving for 2012 and Looking Forward to 2013”, you would know that there are many reasons for me to be happy about. Not everything is dark and gloomy as there are always many things that we can be thankful and happy about if we looked on the bright side of things.

I had helped with sound in church today as the worship leader is quite ill and have to do and see a doctor and her husband is the soundman.  Now, I could grumble that “why like that?” or “No one else can help?” but no, it is an opportunity to serve, to be of service and to help my fellow brother and sister who has a need and am very glad for it. I am not trying to gain credit for helping but for me, I am thankful that despite my cancer and treatment, I am at least well enough to be of service and help.

The New Year then is a happy year for God had seen me through 2012 and I know He will see me through 2013 and more.

A belated Happy New Year to all.

Happy New Year my Father and in You we trust.

Trusting God and Letting Go

Before I carry on and if you have been following my blog and supporting me in prayer, Josie, Nathan and me thank you.

I had updated my post “Thanksgiving for 2012 and looking forward to 2013” with some amendments and additional thoughts and reflections. This blog entry is a follow-up on the “Thanksgiving for 2012 and looking forward to 2013 (Updated)” post.

This blog entry is primary a reflection of my trust in God.  In most of my blog entries that speaks about trusting and believing in God, you would know where my stand is, that there is no looking back as far as believing in God is concerned and that there is no doubts with regards to trusting Him. However, in the last 2 days, I am questioning my trust but before you think that I am beginning to “distrust” God, no, that’s not it. The problem I have is in “letting go”.

On New Year’s Eve, I had written an email to one of the church staff and without going into the details of the mail, I had ended the mail by saying that I am leaving the matter (about what I had wrote to this church staff member) to God and will not actively pursue the matter further. However, over the last 3 days, I was quietly hoping for a response and will check my mails to see if there is one.  It is this morning, while sending Josie to work and while talking to her in the car and about my last post that I started realized that I had not really let go, despite me saying so. It was kind of like been struck by lightning (not that I ever got struck by one and so I do not know what the feeling is like) and I held myself back a little and contemplated this “revelation”. Have I really trusted in God and if I had, then why is it so hard to let go of something that I had said I will place at feet of God?

I can’t put my finger to it but I believe it is because of our human frailty, emotional weakness and need for affirmation that we sought to get that affirmation or positive response from others. Some needs it more and some needs less and I probably belong to the “more” category. For me, it is to get that “reply” that I said I am not expecting. Such a shame that having written so many posts and having said that I trusted in God that this “revelation” finally came. All is not lost though because as the title of this blog site says it, that it is
“My Journey” and this revelation is part of the journey of discovery and understanding.

I have to let go and let God. I can pray about it but I have to trust God to do what is in His will and to experience Him as such, in total and unrestrained trust.

Ending this blog entry in the same way as the last post by repeating that all these also mean a whole new level of trust and this is what I am looking forward to in 2013. When I am weak, He is strong and His grace is sufficient for me and I will also add that to be happy in Jesus, it is to trust and obey and from this day forward, I declare that as a family, Josie, Nathan and me will trust in God.

In God We Trust.

Thanksgiving for 2012 and Looking Forward to 2013 (Updated on 2 Jan 2013)

I know it is already 2 days into the New Year but it is never too much or too late to continue to give thanks for the good things in life and for what the Lord had given.

On New Year’s Eve, Josie, Nathan and I attended Watch Night (Thanksgiving) Service. It is the time of the year where we give thanks to God for the good things that he had done and given. After meeting and gotten married to Josie, I had decided that every year, on Watch Night Service, I would give thanks to God no matter how minor of insignificant the thing might be. Last year, the obvious thanks were the arrival Nathan. Now that Nathan is close to 20 months old and starting to have a mind of his own, he can be quite a handful but whenever he is asleep and I looked at him and see how peaceful he looked, I cannot but continue to give thanks for the precious life that God had bestowed to me and Josie.

This year, the thanksgiving was also a kind of testimony as I spoke about my cancer, I had thought and had sort of prepared in my head what I would say but this time, as the testimony and thanksgiving are a lot longer than my usual thanksgiving, a lot of what I would like to say did not quite come out or came out differently. I hope therefore to use this blog to reproduce the thanks. A lot of what I would like to give thanks for was already posted in this blog in one entry or another but like I’d said, it’s never too much or too late to give thanks to God.

I had categorised my thanksgivings into 3 categories:

1)    For myself and despite my therapy and I had undergone 7 cycles of chemo therapy, I am generally well. The things to be thankful for:

·       According to my Oncologist, most of his patients would have lost their hair after 4 cycles of chemotherapy but for me, I had lost some hair but not all and recently, some hairs had re-grown!!

·       Since March this year, I had lost 10kgs but in the last 2 months, I had regained about 6kgs and the situation is such that the Consultant taking care of my Diabetes tells me to watch my diet so that I don’t go overboard and get obese as the body absorbed too much glucose (that will be converted to fat) from the insulin I am injecting.

·       Initially, I had to inject myself 4 times a day with short acting insulin and take 2 oral diabetes medications. About a month and a half  back, the Consultant had switch me a combination of short and long acting insulin and taken me off the oral medication but as I was not able to control the food intake and insulin very well, I still had to inject myself 4 times a day. I the last 1-2 weeks, somehow, the body seem to be “recovering and now I only had to inject myself twice a day.

·       I am also thankful that I could practically eat almost anything that I liked.

·       This is the one thing that is most important and I had missed it out and that’s to mention that the cancer had regressed in my liver and my liver panel readings are normal and overall, the signs are on the positive side.

2)    For the people around me.

·       My greatest thanks is for Josie who stood by me despite the difficulties and sometime “tahan-ing” my nonsense. She is my physical and emotional pillar.

·       For Nathan because God had put him in my life and the joy that Nathan brought.

·       For Josie’s family who were extremely supportive and who had been my providing my transportation needs during my therapies.

·       Associates of Josie’s family and Josie’s colleagues and their friends, Josie’s friends and friends from her former church for their prayer and encouragement.

·       Our god-families for their support too.

·       For the Cell Group (Eureka Extra) and people in church that stood by me, supported me, prayed for me and some also either bought or prepared items that are useful for my health.

·       My workplace for the work arrangement where I am relieved of most of the tedious responsibilities and well wishes from colleague.

·       There are many others that had also been helpful or had contributed in some ways towards my wellbeing either physically or mentally. One person I would like to mention is our lawyer who did our will. He prayed for us and helped us tremendously with the drafting of our will. I would gladly recommend him to anyone who may need his services.

3)    To God; Father, Son and Holy Spirit for the blessings that He had and continues to pour into our life, His sustenance, His provision, His guidance and so much more of everything that makes life so meaningful. Through this period, he had transformed my thinking, my mindset so much so that I can truly say that not only do I believe in Him but I trust Him fully. I’d mentioned and asked whether we really know the meaning of and believe in “hope”, “trust” and “fear” of Him? I’m not boosting but I say that I do. Cancer and facing the prospect of death do change one’s outlook and perspective about life and the hope and thus the trust and fear in God.

Josie and myself were talking a couple of hours ago and she mentioned that whether people know what they are asking for when they say that they want to have a closer walk with God, to trust him and to know him more?

Well… I added that from what I know, in the bible, all those who had a close or closer walk with God always undergo certain trials and pains in their life. Therefore, can those who ask for “a closer walk with God, to trust him and to know him more” understand what they are asking for? That it means that God will have to make or create that change and mold us so that we can be closer to Him. The questions are:

·         Are we willing to be molded by Him in order to be like Him?

·         Are we willing to accept the pain in the process of been molded to God’s image?

·         Can we accept the trials?

·         Can we accept that we will have to confess our sins and really make that 180 degree turn-around?

·         Can we accept that we have to make that lifestyle change to suit God’s ways rather than the world’s way?

I had asked for this and perhaps this is why my condition is God’s way of answering my prayer. I have no regrets though in having asked for a closer walk with God.

BUT!! Josie also reminded me that we should not stop asking, fearing the change or to face the pain or the trials but to continue to press on for in 2 Corinthians 12:9, it says:

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. (NASB)

Closing off my thanks giving, I mentioned that I will continue to pray, to ask for healing and that I want to see Nathan grow up, to see him graduate, to see him get married. I had initially asked to see Nathan reach 21 years old but too see him graduate and get married; it will mean that I have to ask for more than the 20 years.

Lastly, all these also mean a whole new level of trust and this is what I am looking forward to in 2013. When I am weak, He is strong and His grace is sufficient for me and from this day forward, it is not only I who trust but Josie and Nathan too and so I will sign my blog as:

In God We Trust.