For the first time since the start of this journey, the pain has returned. As mentioned in the last post, the pain and spasm that I am experiencing is possibly due to the tumor pressing again the stomach and small intestine obstructing the stomach outlet and the bile duct. The feeling is not something to be taken lightly as it is constant and nagging.
The pain I can bear and tolerate as I am dependent on God for that. If I can bear 9 cycles of chemotherapy side effects, I can bear this “small” pain. How long I can continue to bear this pain is largely depending on how well the radiotherapy works in shrinking the tumor and on God’s grace that is the mainstay of my tolerance.
The part that I find it hard to bear is the emotional turmoil that comes with the discords and disharmony at home. I had and am still trying not to say too much about what is considered an “internal affairs” not be spoken or written publicly but I am at a stage where sometime death and escape is preferred. I had spoken constantly about the fact that in God there is no misery in the suffering and I still maintain that stand but then what do I call what I am going through right now, an aberration of grace? What I cannot bear is to lose is Josie and Nathan.
The real pain is not physical and for once doubt is creeping in and I pray for forgiveness. For once there is no desire for healing except for alleviation of the physical pain and for once I cannot in true honesty end this blog with my tagline.
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