Pain in the Heart

The situation is getting somewhat less bearable. It is not unbearable but just “less” bearable. Vomiting has become a constant affair since last Saturday as food keeps getting retained in the stomach and I need to vomit this retained food out just to make myself more comfortable. It also means that I probably am not getting sufficient nutrients into the body as I am losing weight and getting lethargic. Good thing I have a tin of the Glucerna nutrient supplement and I got another 5 more tins coming.

It pains me that I am shutting myself in the room because I really do not have the energy to play with Nathan. Hearing his voice through the room's door and forcing myself to stay in the room really pains me.

Last night after dinner (part of it I had just vomited a moment ago), Josie, Nathan and me, we took the train to City Square Mall to see the fountain as Nathan really gets the trill when the fountain is “performing”. We had walked around a little bit before settling ourselves down on a bench by the fountain and Nathan was wide eyed as the water sprouts does its performance. Part way through the performance, Josie leaned over and places her head on my shoulder and cried. I do not know exactly what was going through her mind but for me, it was a moment filled with deep pain and sorrow in my heart but as most man being man, I stopped myself from crying.

If you had been there, you will probably notice a tender picture of a child sitting on his mother’s lap watching the fountain as the mother leaned her head on the husband’s shoulder and the husband staring blankly ahead as he contemplates what does the future holds if God chose not to heal. So it was during that night, after reaching home that I took the resolve to pray for healing. If you understood where I am coming from, I would not have under normal circumstances pray directly for healing as I believe that God’s sovereignty and will is paramount and thus I pray according to His will which may or may not involves healing for my condition. Josie’s tears broke this resolve and I prayed then for healing but it is also more for the sake of Josie and Nathan.

I was in church this morning talking to the lady who looked after the welfare and visitation of the sick and ill in church. We spoke for about an hour and a half and I told her about what I had written in the above paragraph. I told her that in praying for healing, I do not just simply pray for healing but in the prayer, I also pray that God’s will be done because ultimately it is up to God what He wills. This lady said something that reminded me of what I had written before that for the will of God, it is “God’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. We cannot bend His will but I pray as Jesus had prayed, “If it be thy will”, take this cancer away from me.

She was also talking about journaling but in the more physical sense of using a pen and paper and that in journaling, there can be an avenue of release not just for the writer but also for the reader. She was saying these from the perspective of an after event whereas in my case, I’m doing it online and everyone gets to read the journal (blog as it is called in this case) now and not when I am gone. We continued talking and I was talking about my perspective on “Faith” and she spoke about my “testimony” and when you add 1 + 1, it could be that my testimony in this whole journey is about faith in God. Again, this is the subject for another blog entry.

If my entire blog was to be collected and printed into a book, it would be entitled:

There is no misery in the suffering

A journey of faith

In God We Trust

Hebrew 11:1